So, I find myself in a quandary.
How can I unify my life better?
I can see that I wear different hats at work, at play, around adults, and around children - perhaps adapting to a situational behavior standard? What personality hats do I usually wear? I am, in no particular order:
- a scientist,
- an artist,
- a boy scout,
- a follower,
- a gentle leader,
- an empathizer,
- a listener,
- obsessive at times,
- manic too,
- hyper-critical,
- super-cooperative,
- a sampler,
- open-minded...
I could brainstorm tons of hats; but backing them up with actual experiences, though, could be a bit more difficult. "Is that one more periphereal or hardware, Mr. B?"
Suppose a man is seen as one personality at the job, but a totally different man comes out at home, a la Jekyll and Hyde, if you wish -- I DO NOT want to be that type of man! It's distressing that life gets so modular, what with my family interactions, work interactions, AA interactions, online interactions, school interactions (now gathering dust) - all of which don't seem to interact much with each other.
Spheres of acquaintances - that recalls another time... I was trying to graph out the groups of people I've interacted with, a la Venn diagrams, and trying to figure out what was in common, what was different between them... and wondering how on earth to get them more "concentric"? At the time, I was thinking about what is revealed to each circle too. Who am I in front of a stranger, an acquaintance, a close friend, a lover; and how can I behave so that the orbits are more well-defined?
What's really frustrating? Overcoming barriers between two or more groups.
Examples:
"Oh, she's sooo beautiful! How I want to.. wait a sec, I'm at work - can't go there..."
...or...
"Well, this friend has one set of interests, but that one is like the polar opposite - can I get them to see eye to eye? Moreover, what might happen when they realize I share in both interests?"
...or even...
"Gee, I can see that I can communicate fairly well in writing - why doesn't that transfer easily over easily into speech?"
(Thinking on this last one, there are different rules underlying each communication, e.g. it's far more acceptable to interrupt while chatting online then it is in person. ...and I think this "different settings, different rules" argument underlies why our lives separate in the first place.)
Thinking back to flirting in the store, suppose three lovely women come into the store over the course of a night, and I choose to comment on their beauty. It's quite possible that one gives me her phone number, another gives me a stern lecture on the spot, and the third walks away seeming to be interested but follows up with a sexual harassment complaint to the manager... Without having known more about their personal backgrounds, I could not have predicted these outcomes. That's why I suppress my flirt at work. That or there's these competing ideas - "sexual attraction", "respect for work's code of conduct", "desire for my privacy and respecting others' privacy" - an example that given scenarios use conflicting and/or cooperating social rules.
It could be worthwhile to explore that idea of "different settings, different rules". To be realistic, I think adapting to the situation is actually a strength, but it has to be tempered with sticking to core principles.
You know, on the Chinese zodiac, I'm a Rat; and we're not known for long-lasting friendships... Unfortunately, I HAVE let far too many close friendships of the past drift away with time and distance. It feels like I've briefly passed through all these lives and organizations that I highly valued at the time, but that I am no longer in touch with - and that annoys me! Hence, one thought that this page could be an attempt at reconnecting with people I've lost. One day, I plan to journal my life's chronology using a list of the groups I've interacted with; but even that might be broken down into pieces, focusing on one sphere at a time (work, friends, lovers)...
All that being said, here are the visions I have for my blogs:
- where I can find and share my core values and interests,
- where I can say something once, and everyone can see it,
- where I can explore others' lives,
- and, hopefully, where I can bring together many of the people I value in my past and present and possible futures.
It would be nice to be a trulyopen book. However, I must admit there are some experiences:
- not meant to be shared with children
- ...mostly because they might not understand
- or with the total stranger
- ...out of fear of how they will use that information
- or even in a public forum of close friends
- ...due to some of the possible fallouts resulting.. recall AA's 9th step: "..except when to do so would injure them or others"
So, I will exercise a little restraint and confidentiality, not revealing all; even though that could be construed as lying by omission. Such is the sacrifice of writing in public.
Oh, but wait...! I'm reminded a line from "Dreams with Sharp Teeth":
Don't be afraid to go there.
