"Questions Never Asked.."

You have an interesting lisp, dear sir -
Do you affect it, as a type of lure?

For which class are those papers you're grading,
Sends my heart in a spiral debating,
And what is the college subject you teach,
In that sultry voice so lustrous and deep?

Who, oh who, are you trying to impress
With that high, slinky, black and white print dress,
That you keep pulling to cover your thighs,
While through the windows, you gaze with your eyes?

Really, I must know, what are you reading,
To ease your pains of our common seating?

What are you muttering, under your breath -
Locked as you are in a fight to the death,
With hidden demons prowling in your mind -
Your utterances, a strange madness sign?

Only question I ask, aloud, once more
Is this - only this: "Bus Driver! Back Door?"

--------------------- Below this line, posts have been revised, and are finished ------------------------

:)

hmm.. 5-variable relationship test

My Five Variable Love Profile:

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is high.
You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person.
And in return, you expect the same from who you love.
Any sign of straying, and you'll end things.

Experience Level:

Your experience level is medium.
You probably have had a couple significant loves.
And you may have even had your heart broken.
But you haven't really dated a wide variety of people.

Dominance:

Your dominance is low.
This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced.
You know a relationship is not about getting your way.
And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom.

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is medium.
You'd like to believe in true and everlasting love...
But you've definitely been burned enough to know better.
You're still an optimist, but you also are a realist.

Independence:

Your independence is medium.
In relationships, you need both "me time" and "we time."
You usually find it easy to be part of a couple.
But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered.

"'Alone!', he wails..." (P.o.t.D. 4/13//08)

Restrain tongue and pen, in work and play --
Emotions checked, yet obsession
Simmers, seeking say.
Public and private perspectives and perceptions
Entwined, interwoven, in a tangled skein.
Confusing courage with cries of caution,
Tangled again,
I am, in deontic ties that bind.
Now... is it time to cross antiquated fences,
Gaining insight, challenging fears, in my mind?

Before, I would "sit in solemn silence",
Overcome my feelings, yet... highstrung... tense.
Untold wreckage building upon my soul,
Never once did I feel complete and whole.
Dwelling in a pristine ivory tower,
And discontent... alone... each midnight hour.
Reason only took me farther - too far -
Inside self, loves buried in aching heart,
Encamped, enclosed, entrapped, entombed "in a
Steel cage" - a lean role sans sensual sin.

Inhibitions... to be respected? ...to be overcome?
Noble confidence separates the true fears from the sum.

Look... Listen... Love... and the world unfolds,
Infinite nuances will be revealed,
From which billions of stories can be told -
Experiences that can truly heal.

Everyone has a story to tell;
Stories so deep, they cause my heart to swell.
Pensive, I will miss these insights around
Even though, like armies, do they surround.
Circled by artisans, artists, arsons;
Igniting passion, felt by all senses.
Against that prison of independence
Lies the world's lie of self-sufficience;
Leading me to forget growth from "my mind,
Your mind, learning when they are intertwined".

Ignoring others, I suddenly find I do become
Narcistic, self-sadistic, pessimistic... my thoughts, numb.

Life is too short to live in a ship's hold;
Overcome, I must, these imagined seals!
Voyeuer, no more - engage others, be bold -
Enrich my life, sharing others' ordeals!

Dream (4/12/08): a tango..?

3 scenes from a dream this afternoon, and a pondering about who she is:

The lady is slender and tall, with shoulder length red hair, and some amount of fame and possible notoriety associates with her. Who she is, is up for interpretation, but I feel her fame needs to proceed her, as the events described attach themselves easily to the price of fame?

When I first encounter her, she is pouring her man into the back seat of a black luxury car, as he is so far gone from some active addiction that he has lost all faculty of movement. I pause in my walk along the street, puzzled by this scene, and ask her, "Why are you still with him?"

At which point, she turns, with a tear on her cheek, and recounts a story from ten or more years gone by, and the scene in the dream dissolves into scenes from that story.

The two are seen on a stage, he in a formal black tuxedo, and she in a flowing white dress; they are practicing dance movements haltingly and stutteringly. Then, all of a sudden, as their eyes meet, or perhaps as his hand provides a strong anchor of support, something clicks. She begins to move freely with him, falling into the tempo of a tango, letting go of all worries of the outside world and the audience filtering in.

Several hours later, I now see her backstage, wrapped in nothing but the black tuxedo coat, positively beaming. He is tending to her needs, still dressed in all but the coat, and soaked thru and thru. I want to say that there's blood on his lips, too.

I'm thinking the tango turned into a bit of burlesque, and I want to associate this with a pivotal moment of overcoming stage fright, where the lady surrendered to this man.

Now, this is a dream, so who the lady is, is still up for interpretation. My first association actually thought maybe this was Lucille Ball, and correspondingly Desi Arnez. Then, I thought maybe it could be Cher..? Most likely, though, thinking about her physique, I probably modeled her after a real-life burlesque performer (who was incredibly hot) I saw during the Texas Burlesque Review at South by SouthWest.

Separate Lives [Third draft]

Note - The following is a revision of one of my earlier posts at Yahoo 360:

So, I find myself in a quandary.
How can I unify my life better?

I can see that I wear different hats at work, at play, around adults, and around children - perhaps adapting to a situational behavior standard? What personality hats do I usually wear? I am, in no particular order:

• a scientist,
• an artist,
• a boy scout,
• a follower,
• a gentle leader,
• an empathizer,
• a listener,
• obsessive at times,
• manic too,
• hyper-critical,
• super-cooperative,
• a sampler,
• open-minded...

I could brainstorm tons of hats; but backing them up with actual experiences, though, could be a bit more difficult. "Is that one more periphereal or hardware, Mr. B?"

Suppose a man is seen as one personality at the job, but a totally different man comes out at home, a la Jekyll and Hyde, if you wish -- I DO NOT want to be that type of man! It's distressing that life gets so modular, what with my family interactions, work interactions, AA interactions, online interactions, school interactions (now gathering dust) - all of which don't seem to interact much with each other.

Spheres of acquaintances - that recalls another time... I was trying to graph out the groups of people I've interacted with, a la Venn diagrams, and trying to figure out what was in common, what was different between them... and wondering how on earth to get them more "concentric"? At the time, I was thinking about what is revealed to each circle too. Who am I in front of a stranger, an acquaintance, a close friend, a lover; and how can I behave so that the orbits are more well-defined?

What's really frustrating? Overcoming barriers between two or more groups.

Examples:
"Oh, she's sooo beautiful! How I want to.. wait a sec, I'm at work - can't go there..."
...or...
"Well, this friend has one set of interests, but that one is like the polar opposite - can I get them to see eye to eye? Moreover, what might happen when they realize I share in both interests?"
...or even...
"Gee, I can see that I can communicate fairly well in writing - why doesn't that transfer easily over easily into speech?"
(Thinking on this last one, there are different rules underlying each communication, e.g. it's far more acceptable to interrupt while chatting online then it is in person. ...and I think this "different settings, different rules" argument underlies why our lives separate in the first place.)

Thinking back to flirting in the store, suppose three lovely women come into the store over the course of a night, and I choose to comment on their beauty. It's quite possible that one gives me her phone number, another gives me a stern lecture on the spot, and the third walks away seeming to be interested but follows up with a sexual harassment complaint to the manager... Without having known more about their personal backgrounds, I could not have predicted these outcomes. That's why I suppress my flirt at work. That or there's these competing ideas - "sexual attraction", "respect for work's code of conduct", "desire for my privacy and respecting others' privacy" - an example that given scenarios use conflicting and/or cooperating social rules.

It could be worthwhile to explore that idea of "different settings, different rules". To be realistic, I think adapting to the situation is actually a strength, but it has to be tempered with sticking to core principles.

You know, on the Chinese zodiac, I'm a Rat; and we're not known for long-lasting friendships... Unfortunately, I HAVE let far too many close friendships of the past drift away with time and distance. It feels like I've briefly passed through all these lives and organizations that I highly valued at the time, but that I am no longer in touch with - and that annoys me! Hence, one thought that this page could be an attempt at reconnecting with people I've lost. One day, I plan to journal my life's chronology using a list of the groups I've interacted with; but even that might be broken down into pieces, focusing on one sphere at a time (work, friends, lovers)...

All that being said, here are the visions I have for my blogs:

• where I can find and share my core values and interests,
• where I can say something once, and everyone can see it,
• where I can explore others' lives,
• and, hopefully, where I can bring together many of the people I value in my past and present and possible futures.

It would be nice to be a trulyopen book. However, I must admit there are some experiences:

• not meant to be shared with children
• ...mostly because they might not understand
• or with the total stranger
• ...out of fear of how they will use that information
• or even in a public forum of close friends
• ...due to some of the possible fallouts resulting.. recall AA's 9th step: "..except when to do so would injure them or others"

So, I will exercise a little restraint and confidentiality, not revealing all; even though that could be construed as lying by omission. Such is the sacrifice of writing in public.
Oh, but wait...! I'm reminded a line from "Dreams with Sharp Teeth":

Don't be afraid to go there.