16 June 2019

 I look at all the bits of my brain,

Scattered like a 5000 piece jigsaw -

Can not even comprehend

How to Humpty Dumpty them...

can not

make sense, si, naught...

bad bit down, drawn

pensieve thread

jangled memories,

confused thoughts,

betrayed trusts

this virtual blood!

"Out, damn Spot! Out..."

Or do I quote the King,

and give homage to that role I played,

transposed in time?

Or, do I let the dog leave the house?

16 Dec 2018

I see both a mania and a depression bubbling to the surface of my consciousness...

and I see the (possibly environmental) triggers, aggravated as hell, with no "easy solutions"...

...and rational Bean is screaming in terrified agony at how helpless he feels, at how much damage is building upon the horizon, at how "life is heading straight down the toilet, AGAIN..."

...and so, the suicidal thoughts start to crowd in, and so the desire to escape or run away pulls at me, and so the urge to drown out my sorrows in addictive behaviors around food, sex, gambling, and drugs come rushing in -- Just throwing distractions at my life, while my mind crumbles and caves in, which is really just expressing the mania..?

...the frantic racing to find some easy solution, the grasping at straws in the hopes that one will give me breathing room, again. Yet, as the neurons burn themselves to ashes - *SNaP* - and now the brain wants to turn away from the world, to rest and recover and try to regain strength. Unfortunately, it's still burning away, obsessing over the problems, even as I cower under the bed covers.

Looking for excuses, for explanations, for escapes - some sort of hope that it could all be fixed away. Looking for some sort of support, as my world crumbles away. But, there is no easy solution presenting, "No fucking manifestation of my desires"...

Hoping the switch doesn't flip, where, instead, I look for oblivion. 

16 Dec 2018

 courtesy of my dad's joke files:

-----

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

15 Dec 2009

 Ah, me! I'm blowing out yellowish snot from my left nostril... methinks an infection has invaded my inhaler... (grrrr.. :$ ) [...and I can imagine some of you out there saying, "TMI!!"]

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15 Dec 2017

 ote: I consider myself "un-dateable" because:

1) My income's been so pitifully poor for my adult life, that I can't "treat myself to special events", much less anyone else - like a live arts show, or a dinner, or other costly outings (guess it's time to think outside the box)

2) I'm not very physicallyattractive - dough boy body - and I'm not terribly interested in spending time on diet and exercise to become so

3) After the various harassment incidents in the news, since the 1980's, I'm very hesitant to try to initiate dates with women. There's this message I picked up from the media, "don't bother us women with your various advances because we're getting far too many of them from boys in general" (I note that, as a man, I do not sense advances towards me from women for an overwhelming majority of my time) ...so, I'd rather put the ball back in the women's court to start up dating. (Unfortunately, women are very wary of initiating any advances, due to repeated burns by bad men in their past) <this is my perspective, mind you, and not a formal psych study>

4) Most of the women I've been interested in, have been work associates or church or AA or social groups - so... there's another hesitation about trying to date in those spheres, in case the relationship gets awkward and disrupts the group in which we know each other. I've broken this rule a couple of times, with the corresponding disastrous results when the relationship got awkward. (I've also attempted online dating, but that's led to some strange stories of it's own. I will not repeat them on Facebook.)

5) I also don't think I fit the media's portrayal of the All-American Guy that everyone wants to be around. I'm not athletic, extroverted, decisive, handy, touchy-feely (see 3 for why) etc etc... (I am fairly intelligent, and playful around friends, and...????)

Might be able to flesh this out more, if I thought more about it... but I'll stop on that. (cross-posting to my timeline)

15 Dec 2018

 Wanderlust ...

15 Dec 2018

I think me, personally, eating poorly, for the last couple of days, has me craving Whataburger... or maybe Appleby's...

Yet, I think I just get out of the house; and yet... I do not want to do the big social gathering, today. (I'm pretty tapped out by crowds, following a large game night, last night.)

15 Dec 2020

 If you can not honor your word with your actions, then why would I place my confidence with you? I do not enjoy doubting and deceptions.

15 Dec 2020

I’m wide awake at 1:14 a.m.

I’m also angry.

;

15 Dec 2020

 “Why do I feel abandoned and isolated?”

Can that break down to types of interactions that appear to be missing in my life? Maybe they’re being sent along the wrong communication channels - not to disparage the Facebook like, or anything...

I recall asking for praise a couple of days ago, to help build myself up - and not a one had registered in my memory... if they were even provided.

I worry that my past self-pity posts have put me on a Facebook watch list - like the AI is sending the post to a anonymous moderator before it gets put into my friends feeds

Outside of the computer, I’m not used to using the phone. Life’s great if I have a couple of friends that I can regularly be around. Life gets miserable if I’m separated from that small company. Is that an extrovert after all? I don’t know. Or is that my small town heritage?

Slowly venting off steam....

going back to lunch.

15 Dec 2020

 I don't like how I'm feeling about myself, tonight.

I really don't like how that projected out into (mostly inner) criticism of my friends.

(Like, I don't want to believe that I am entirely to blame for my mistakes, this week, this month, this fall... Yet, I don't want to voice any criticisms - mostly because they are not being requested.)

Maybe, I'll attempt a gratitude list, after a shower? ...or maybe I'll take the time to review class notes, so that I'm better prepared for tutoring, tomorrow?

10 people I'm grateful for, this pandemic: (not tagging)

Teresa, Jimmy, Theresa, Bert, Tiffany,

Jack, Emily, Deryl, Alicia, Jeff...

but there's many more: Dad, Shawn, Nora, Alice, Emily, Mary, Jeff, Marilyn, Muse, Nancy, Carolyn, Jessica, ...

No, it's not an exhaustive list of names, by any means. It reminds me that so many people are still interacting with me, even when we're isolated. It reminds me how powerful a community can be, and how even small actions can create lasting impacts.

I apologize if I have been mean and hurtful to anyone, by way of my comments or actions. I would like to take suggestions as to what the damages have been, and what actions could repair them. Because some situations might be sensitive, I would prefer communications by DM or phone calls, rather than by comments, here.

Maybe it's an attempt to better express how I'm feeling that would work. Yet, please understand, that I do have feelings, and they do not always make rational sense (or seem connected to current events).

I'm still in a lot of pain from feelings of failure, this week. I would still appreciate being reminded how you do NOT think I'm a failure, if that be the case.

14 Dec 2010

 The Facebook games lost their appeal. The spam-orific onslaught of gaming allies' pleas just got ooooold... Realized I was wasting my time trying to track people who I only vaguely know, too.

Thus, after about two hours of work, my friends' list has been slashed in half, and my app authorizations have been trimmed down.

Congratulations! You made the cut...

Describing others? 14 Dec 2010

 "-1: yep. you're less than zero... mysterious, too, as it took the Greeks forever to come to grips with you." (had to throw in a number joke, just for fun...?)

6969: I haven't forgotten about you - I'd just like to poke around your profile to get to know you a little better. My plan is to poke, tomorrow afternoon, and then post what I can.

14 Dec 2013

 Looked over the Christmas cards at Walgreen's, and only a couple jumped out as Jody-caliber... Maybe...

I'm going to go downtown on Monday, if Emerald's is still around, to see if they (or maybe Whole Foods) have any cards that can give me a good belly laugh.

Yes, I really do spend hours searching for Christmas cards...

14 Dec 2018

I find my mind in a really dark place, this morning.

"It's like I have the Cacas Touch - everything I touch turns to shit. Honestly, I can't seem to "get it together", to actually succeed at life, for a change..."

...perhaps fueled by being isolated from my family, in the current times of need and times of joy. Seeing the family game night posted, this week, (with me absent) is like a rusty nail, pounded into my heart...

In some twisted concept of being helpful, my mind thinks, "Perhaps I could go somewhere, where they could end my life, painlessly and peacefully; and then harvest my organs to help those who could better use them." I'm reminded of the blank spot, when under anasthesia, during last year's colonoscopy...

"You could just send the cremated ashes and any proceeds generated to help work down my debt, and hopefully help out my family."

(There was a more sinister variety of this particular morbidity, earlier this year, when I wondered how easy it would be to track down a snuff film, in production, on "the dark web". Not that I'm aware of any connections I might have to that, but... similar sentiments of "just process my body, like a cow, and be done with it.)

-------------

I can not see the hope and joy, in my life, right now. It's not that it's not there - it's just that I'm in this ever-constricting tunnel vision that's focusing in on the pain and isolation and immobility and fucking oubliette that I'm walling myself into.

It's an intense anxiety that has me afraid to get out of bed - it took me half an hour of paralyzed crying there to muster the courage to write this... afraid to get out and do positive things, because I'm not certain that I won't instead do something incredibly stupid. "oh, sure. 512-472-HELP" ...but I'm so tired of "being processed by our mental health care system"...

I can not see the help being offered, if it's even there. ...and I try to step past the very real boundaries and limits that keep that help healthy, if those are there.

now, i'm just rambling and making excuses, and trying to "dull the blade"... I keep piling more poo upon the pile.

because i want to talk myself out of the pity pot I'm in? because I want to lash out, instead of trying to run away?

i don't know. i really don't know.

when i turn to face reality, I hate the grotesque mask of fantasy that peers back at me...

14 Dec 2018

 Stealing this from David Jackson:

HOW TO BE UNHAPPY - BY EMMET FOX

Sit down quietly where you are not likely to be disturbed. Relax the body - and begin to think about yourself. Every time your thought wander to something higher, bring it back gently but relentlessly.

Think about the past. Think over all the mistakes you have made, going right back to childhood. Think over all the opportunities you have missed and the time you have wasted. Especially think of all the occasions upon which you have been badly treated.

Think about your body and wonder if your age or your job or the climate isn't beginning to tell. See if you cannot discover a pain or an ache somewhere.

Think about finances and if they are going well now, insist that this is probably too good to last.

In any case, think about yourself, that is the main point, and if you will keep this up faithfully for fifteen or twenty minutes, there can be no doubt about the result.

"Seest thou a man wise in his own conceit? There is more hope of a fool than of him." (Proverbs 26:12)

14 Dec 2019

 When I’m wallowing in my pity pot, it’s really difficult to bring back to consciousness the better times of a few hours, weeks, or years ago. I just latch on to the idea that I’m invisible, ignored, and disrespected...

...which does bring to mind some concrete examples of “where I’m at fault” / “where I’m not living up to another’s expectations”

...or, in the AA context, brings to mind inventory items

But, I also don’t think of completely healthy amends, either. Some times, my desires are at odds with “what society desires”... but more often than not, I still opt for the latter; even if it kills a part of my soul.

Yes, I am rambling aloud, to the air, while waiting, alone, at the bus stop. It might have some vagueness and/or drama sprinkled in the above

13 Dec 2009

 spent the afternoon moving to the room upstairs, so he's pretty tuckered out. I still have to print off some forms for the IRS job, but, true to my procrastination streak, I'm going to catnap for four hours then print them out. (Gives me two to four hours to fill them out before I have to go to turn them in - plenty of time, right??

)

13 Dec 2018

It's like I'm not one of the main actors in anyone's movie, but my own...

just a character sketch brought in for comic reflief, or perhaps tragic effect...

Do I have any visible development, which others can easily see? ...or am I some strange "man of mystery"...?

13 Dec 2018

Gods! I'm in a funk, this morning... "Ozymandius Syndrome", perhaps?

The ennui is thick, the pointlessness is all around. ...and the blame is getting thrown around like an abandoned doll caught up in a cat 5 hurricane....