"Job Worries" (P.o.t.D. 7/27/15, no rev)

Stayed in bed today...
Afraid to face unknown Ways
Of earning good pay?

"Two minutes, Twice" (P.o.t.D. 6/23/15, no rev)

Two minutes: Go!
How fast can I type?
How fast can I think?

Of course, my critics
Will tear this idea apart -
Saying where's the flow of ideas..
Silly rule you're using..
and so on..

I do not know what
Will come from the race,
But an attempt to stream,
To bring the thoughts

Talking about what i want to talk about

...and timer rings.

So.. update my phone app,
For the next quest,
And I start the timer again.

Time is trickling past,
Sometimes roaring like rapids -
Eating away at the thread
Woven for my path
By the Three Fates

Time is one of my
Most valuable assets -
If I give you my time,
My attention,
my devotion..

then - damn. two minutes gone again.

"Expectations" (P.o.t.D. 1/28/15 rev 1/28/17)

If I could be a free spirit,
Living in the moment
From moment to moment,
With no chains linking
My past deeds to future expectations,

THEN...
Then...
then...
I live!
...without worries, in each
Moment lived so free.

Yet, Chains do bind!
The past makes promises
And people predict
"Great Things" to come,
Because I did so well
At my challenges undone.

In school, I was a scholar
Who excelled,
Who bubbled to the top.
I did quite well
In science and math.

Was this why they voted me
"Most Likely to Succeed"?

Twenty-five years later,
I'm no rocket scientist
Nor a genius programmer.

Instead, I sling beer and smokes,
Earning a paltry eight dollars per hour...

My inner voice trilly chides me:
"Such a disappointment..."

On another set of scales,
I'm coming up short:
No marriage, no kids, no house, no car,
NO...
No...
no...
"American Dream"
Perpetuated by Big Media
Over and over and over again.

...and paranoia would have me believe,
That I'm my friends' disappointment, too.

Fed by these futile frustrations,
I want to turn my back
On our measures of success.

I hear whispers in my ear,
When I lay down, troubled:
"Give it all up,
Find the Tao,
BE...
Be...
be...
One, like the monks.
A humble life is the best life."

"Job Worries" (P.o.t.D. 7/27/15)

Stayed in bed today...
Afraid to face unknown Ways
Of earning good pay?

"Two minutes, Twice" (P.o.t.D. 6/23/15)

Two minutes: Go!
How fast can I type?
How fast can I think?

Of course, my critics
Will tear this idea apart -
Saying where's the flow of ideas..
Silly rule you're using..
and so on..

I do not know what
Will come from the race,
But an attempt to stream,
To bring the thoughts

Talking about what i want to talk about

...and timer rings.

So.. update my phone app,
For the next quest,
And I start the timer again.

Time is trickling past,
Sometimes roaring like rapids -
Eating away at the thread
Woven for my path
By the Three Fates

Time is one of my
Most valuable assets -
If I give you my time,
My attention,
my devotion..

then - damn. two minutes gone again.

Conflicting goals... (life/work plans)

"...what is really important...?"

To predict..? To create..? To interpret..? To model..?

What was the appeal underlying studying math? Why do I enjoy science? ...and yet, there's an artist inside of me who wants to write, draw, act, and make music; because I'm drawn to the fantastical, too - and sometimes, art does NOT imitate reality.

I was thinking about this (a touch) when I revived my case at DARS. I would love to write, or at least, I've enjoyed some of the writing I've done in the past. Perhaps one career path is to become a textbook writer, or a popular science writer. Then again, it could be interesting to critique food and entertainment. Heck - who's to say I can't do both...

I have a voice. I want to shout from the mountaintops, and whisper in the valleys, that I may be a channel for my and others' meager understanding(s) of this great big universe. That, I think, is the appeal of teaching; and yet I detest having to constrict myself to a set of standards like the TEKS.

Note to the reader: This is a first draft, and may not be grammatically correct, or even well-organized; as I'm writing on the fly and partially streaming my conscious thoughts. A weakness and a strength, perhaps?

So, I have enjoyed tutoring immensely, although I don't think tutoring or teaching are high-profit fields, monetarily. I did not enjoy admin/clerical work, thus far, as it seemed to be so much rote document production without creative outlets. I liked writing for the Wylie News, and I've liked writing on topics that interest me... however, still not sure how to impose the discipline to even become 1/100th as successful as Asimov or Bradbury.

I wonder who might have ideas about a career in writing and/or teaching? I'll tag my first suspects...

Reflecting on Past / Thinking about next 5 years...

When I came to Austin, to attend university, I had the major dilemma - as in, "What's my major going to be?"

Some of the ideas I tossed around:
- attending seminary, to become a priest,
- studying journalism, to continue my forays in that field
- acting, because I had done a bit of that too
- engineering, to better apply my scientific expertise (specifically chemical engineering)

What happened was that I started school as a double major in math and physics. I think I added math to meet the requirements of an Air Force ROTC scholarship, as I was more interested in science than in math...

However, after one year of school where I had a great calculus teacher and yet a poor electro-magnetics teacher, I changed to being just a math student. My later experiences with tutoring led me to consider a teaching certificate, too.

However, I was still actively engaged with the sciences, and some acting on the side, and more non-class activities. I think that because I didn't stay focused on math, I got off track, and took much longer than normal...

----------------------------------------------

So, what DO I want to do with the next five years of my life?

Part of me feels a creativity void, causing me to crave making art. Whether that be drama, or writing, or graphic arts, or a mix - I'm not sure. However, looking for a creative outlet has motivated prior career searches, and yet..? Those led to admin/clerical jobs which didn't have much deviation from "filling out forms" or other mundane work.

I'd consider teaching and/or tutoring, too. I've been trying to get tutoring rolling, but there hasn't been a lot of online student leads generated from the web site I'm trying, so I probably have to rethink how I'm marketing myself. I could probably substitute teach, although I'm not sure about summer hours. Getting a certificate requires some extra education, and that, in turn, requires extra money -difficult when my student loans have gone into default.

I'm not thrilled with the wide world of retail. Honestly, I don't want to try to sell you on the linear consumer economy, where we're making stuff just to throw it away in a year or two. :(

I'm curious how to connect with food, a la grocers and restaurants...

Getting sleepy. Going to bed. Be back at it in 5 hours... Ciao!

"Do you have any hobbies?"

"Do you have any hobbies?", Dominique asked me, tonight..



"Wouldn't mind getting back into acting," I replied.



Digging a little deeper, I voiced some interest in drawing, and maybe a sport like volleyball.. soccer.. hiking.. biking.. I also mentioned that I've thought about dance classes, but I'm a little put off by 'limited funds'. I was also sharing some pictures I have of art that I did in high school, but... that was, what, 20 years ago? I think this all got sparked by talking about our days, today, as I had mentioned too much time spent playing Pocket Frogs on my phone.



So, I have a collection of interests I've gathered over the years, and it seems that there's a thick layer of dust settling upon them. Part of me wants to blame lack of transportation, as I'm relying on the buses - even though I have a perfectly functional bicycle. Part of me wants to blame lack of finances, as I've been living from paycheck to paycheck for YEARS, now. ...and then there's the observation that the addict, or maybe bipolar, mind rears up, focusing all of my energy on one thing, leaving no time for the others.



I admire Len, as he seems to have a career where he can practice his art. I think that, ideally, we should all have careers where we get to explore our hobbies and interests, where we actually enjoy the labor we get paid to do. Out of the long laundry list of careers I've had, I would have to say I most enjoyed being a newspaper reporter/photographer for the local newspaper in my home town and tutoring college mathematics. There's an element of social interaction in both, but there's also some creative work in writing articles and some intellectual challenge in trying to find a mathematical explanation that's easily grasped by the struggling student. Also, with teaching, there's definitely a creative element in finding a good presentation of the material, although I'm a little wary of my ability to do so, based on past 'guffaws'. Thinking towards the next few months, I'm considering a career change, but I'd like to be a little more selective in my search, looking for careers that could give some vent to my creativity, whether that be teaching, or writing, or drawing, or . . .



So, "What are my hobbies?"



Can I gain some insight, based on past experiences, like from my high school activities, or collegiate pursuits? Anyone who knew me back then knows that I did lots of stuff. During high school, I was active in drama, in math and science contests, in choir... and that was when I wrote for the paper - a job I got because I did an awesome job reporting for the Math Club while I was their secretary. Also, my family knows that I read quite a bit, and had a fondness for computer games. Moving on to college, I dabbled a little more in acting, attended quite a lot of independent films and Performing Arts Center events, and spent a bit of time volunteering in the community. John could attest, too, to the continuing infatuation with all sorts of games.



I'm not too sure if that gives a complete picture of my past pursuits, or, especially, how much time was often devoted to them. As I hinted earlier, it's real easy for an activity to dominate my schedule if I enjoy doing it, with hours of each day spent in that arena.



Part of me feels like I'm drifting into my okcupid profile in what follows, but I'll go ahead and sketch what I find interesting (in no particular order, just what's coming to mind, first). I'm thinking aloud, too, wondering about a good career fit for these interests:



- I love attending movies and plays, and, to a lesser degree, live music. Perhaps I could be a critic?

- I've been known to act, and even sing, and people like to tell me "You sound like a radio announcer."

- I enjoy reading, but dislike the time investment that could require. Is that an editor?

- Athletically? I like to hike, or bike, or run long-distance... but not too sure if there's a good payoff besides better physical health.

- I'm kind of interested in learning how to dance better - Marissa (I think) once suggested I look into Body Choir after seeing me dance. Eh. Maybe. ..or maybe Flamenco, 'cause that seems like a style I drift towards. ..or maybe Ballroom, but I think that's motivated by a pining heart?

- I'm an avid fan of all sorts of games.. I think they appeal to my mathematical/logical mind, while still having some social context, too. Perhaps some sort of modeling/simulation career could tie in to that? ..or maybe a career in game design or game testing?

- I enjoy writing, and several people in the past have complimented me on my writing ability. What's kind of crazy is that almost all of my writing to date has usually been a first draft with minimal editing. Well, I should say, "editing while writing".. This is one reason I've been trying to revive my blog, and one reason why I feel most comfortable talking to people via email. Although, I'm decent at carrying on a conversation, one-on-one - just gets a lot harder in groups.

- I'm pretty good at drawing, too, although I need to work at my skills of drawing from live subjects (instead of pictures, or graphic design)



Not much else is jumping to mind as relates to particular pursuits. Currently, I think I'm spending a lot of time on the computer, divided between games, social networking, and writing. If I'm not at home, I'm probably at work, or at a meeting, or in transit. I'd like to get to the point where I have a better career, better suited to my interests, and with much more disposable income... but I know that's going to take some legwork on my part. Because I have to tend to that legwork, I'm much less likely to have some time to devote to the hobbies. I don't know - it just seems like this vicious cycle right now, but I believe there's a much better life available if I just "DO the Work".

another random listing.. this time - goals (from 2008, updated in 2009)

I wrote the following at the beginning of 2008, and I'm adding "progress updates" in italics, now at the beginning of 2009:

Over the next year, I plan to:

• change careers to one that better uses my B.S. in Mathematics from UT Austin,
  So, I'm doing "easy" tech support, at least for a couple of months, now - a little closer.. took 12 jobs to reach it...
  
• become more involved in community volunteering, starting with Reading for the Blind and Dyslexic and SXSW,
  I think I volunteered 4 hours with RFBD last year, 'cause I was derailed by job instability. I did earn a platinum badge at SXSW (80+ hours)
  
• develop a meditation/exercise practice, drawing on Zen Buddhism, yoga, and Tai Chi,
  Since this summer, I've been attending an un-ritualized Buddhist sitting group (Dharma Punx) on a fairly regular basis -- still, I'm only on a weekly sitting practice, and not yet up to a daily practice
  
• reconnect with my Catholic heritage,
  eh... I think I can count the number of masses I attended last year on one hand. I got to be the train conductor at the church's Fall Festival, though.. ;P
  
• expand my circle of friends in South Austin, (one reason for internet dating)
  I expanded my circle of friends, but mostly through my connection with AA
  
• look up some old friends who I've lost touch with,
  I have reconnected with some high school classmates, primarily through facebook... would still like to find former French House members...
  
• become a better player of Texas Hold'Em,
  I placed sixth in the city-wide tournament at the beginning of the year, but have not really played regularly since...
  
• and get out to see more movies, music, and plays.
  Here's where that unstable job situation blind-sided me again. ...that, and my dad moved to Houston, so I lost my primary "movie bud" **SIGH**
  

In five years, I would have liked to:

Errr... one year down, four to go...? (No significant progress made yet in any of the following...)

• spend at least one month in another country,
  
• found a fulfilling relationship with a lady I could grow old with,
  
• earned a master's or doctorate degree, most likely in the cognitive sciences.
  Well... I have been looking into furthering my education here and there...
  

Separate Lives [Third draft]

Note - The following is a revision of one of my earlier posts at Yahoo 360:

So, I find myself in a quandary.
How can I unify my life better?

I can see that I wear different hats at work, at play, around adults, and around children - perhaps adapting to a situational behavior standard? What personality hats do I usually wear? I am, in no particular order:

• a scientist,
• an artist,
• a boy scout,
• a follower,
• a gentle leader,
• an empathizer,
• a listener,
• obsessive at times,
• manic too,
• hyper-critical,
• super-cooperative,
• a sampler,
• open-minded...

I could brainstorm tons of hats; but backing them up with actual experiences, though, could be a bit more difficult. "Is that one more periphereal or hardware, Mr. B?"

Suppose a man is seen as one personality at the job, but a totally different man comes out at home, a la Jekyll and Hyde, if you wish -- I DO NOT want to be that type of man! It's distressing that life gets so modular, what with my family interactions, work interactions, AA interactions, online interactions, school interactions (now gathering dust) - all of which don't seem to interact much with each other.

Spheres of acquaintances - that recalls another time... I was trying to graph out the groups of people I've interacted with, a la Venn diagrams, and trying to figure out what was in common, what was different between them... and wondering how on earth to get them more "concentric"? At the time, I was thinking about what is revealed to each circle too. Who am I in front of a stranger, an acquaintance, a close friend, a lover; and how can I behave so that the orbits are more well-defined?

What's really frustrating? Overcoming barriers between two or more groups.

Examples:
"Oh, she's sooo beautiful! How I want to.. wait a sec, I'm at work - can't go there..."
...or...
"Well, this friend has one set of interests, but that one is like the polar opposite - can I get them to see eye to eye? Moreover, what might happen when they realize I share in both interests?"
...or even...
"Gee, I can see that I can communicate fairly well in writing - why doesn't that transfer easily over easily into speech?"
(Thinking on this last one, there are different rules underlying each communication, e.g. it's far more acceptable to interrupt while chatting online then it is in person. ...and I think this "different settings, different rules" argument underlies why our lives separate in the first place.)

Thinking back to flirting in the store, suppose three lovely women come into the store over the course of a night, and I choose to comment on their beauty. It's quite possible that one gives me her phone number, another gives me a stern lecture on the spot, and the third walks away seeming to be interested but follows up with a sexual harassment complaint to the manager... Without having known more about their personal backgrounds, I could not have predicted these outcomes. That's why I suppress my flirt at work. That or there's these competing ideas - "sexual attraction", "respect for work's code of conduct", "desire for my privacy and respecting others' privacy" - an example that given scenarios use conflicting and/or cooperating social rules.

It could be worthwhile to explore that idea of "different settings, different rules". To be realistic, I think adapting to the situation is actually a strength, but it has to be tempered with sticking to core principles.

You know, on the Chinese zodiac, I'm a Rat; and we're not known for long-lasting friendships... Unfortunately, I HAVE let far too many close friendships of the past drift away with time and distance. It feels like I've briefly passed through all these lives and organizations that I highly valued at the time, but that I am no longer in touch with - and that annoys me! Hence, one thought that this page could be an attempt at reconnecting with people I've lost. One day, I plan to journal my life's chronology using a list of the groups I've interacted with; but even that might be broken down into pieces, focusing on one sphere at a time (work, friends, lovers)...

All that being said, here are the visions I have for my blogs:

• where I can find and share my core values and interests,
• where I can say something once, and everyone can see it,
• where I can explore others' lives,
• and, hopefully, where I can bring together many of the people I value in my past and present and possible futures.

It would be nice to be a trulyopen book. However, I must admit there are some experiences:

• not meant to be shared with children
• ...mostly because they might not understand
• or with the total stranger
• ...out of fear of how they will use that information
• or even in a public forum of close friends
• ...due to some of the possible fallouts resulting.. recall AA's 9th step: "..except when to do so would injure them or others"

So, I will exercise a little restraint and confidentiality, not revealing all; even though that could be construed as lying by omission. Such is the sacrifice of writing in public.
Oh, but wait...! I'm reminded a line from "Dreams with Sharp Teeth":

Don't be afraid to go there.