"36 questions you can use, to fall in love with anyone" - 10 Feb 2015

 What are "36 questions you can use, to fall in love with anyone":

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

4 Feb 2011

I have heard, "Still waters run deep."

...however, another part of me is beginning to wonder if "Still waters beget stagnation"...

...I suppose the crux of the difference is the presence or absence of a purpose in one's (e.g. "my") life.

4 Feb 2020

 I'm shaming myself with words like,

"You shouldn't be stressed out about this. The tasks before you are small potatoes. It's all just first world issues."

I'm trying to minimize - fuck, three tries to spell the word minimize and my mind casts up the spectre of alzheimer's.

I think I'm falling apart in old age, because I can't sustain the level of effort that I used to do, effortlessly.

So, I crave death because I fear a lot of future failures.

3 Feb 2017

 Let us be happy,

Let us be peaceful,

Let us be free from suffering,

Let us be full of loving kindness...

3 Feb 2018

 Years ago, I hit this point where I fully conceded to myself that dating is entirely in the control of the women I know. Basically, so many guys, myself included, have fucked dating up that I had no business attempting to go there, anymore. Besides, women have much, much more at risk with sex; so they should rightfully have complete control over how it proceeds, if at all.

I don't know if that makes sense to any of y'all, especially my fellow men. But, that's my two cents, for now...

1 Feb 2020 - post 2

 To jump on another trend, in social media:

Sure, I run dialogues in my head - more often not. Yes, I often mulling over words in my mind.

It does not happen at all times... well, excepting manic episodes... but it does help me think through ideas I’m contemplating.

I suspect it is a learned behavior, following from being an avid reader as a youth. I suspect this is just one plank of evidence for Gardner’s Multiple Intelligences Theories...

I do note that it is much rarer that I think musically or physically, as I’m not as practiced with those arts. Also, my math/science backgrounds can influence the tone and timbre of my thoughts...

1 Feb 2020

 I do want to lay blame out, like some sputtering flame thrower.

I see my mind, twisting up in strange trips. It's like I went into a back alley and got mugged by Greed, Envy, and the Green-eyed Monster... and the venomous tongue, whispering:

"Every time that YOU try to rally a group together, you're left alone at the party... nobody wants YOU... nobody values YOU..."

In my heart, I know it's repetitive, negative thoughts.... I know that I'm suffering from some myopia - but my poor heart gets so bullied around by my brain.

Chalk up another post under, "The sky is falling", or "the boy who cried wolf", if you will. Or, perhaps, "over-zealous attention hog"... Part of me wishes that I wouldn't try to predict how negatively you view me and my writings, that I wouldn't try to assign words and motives to your actions, or inactions.

Yet.... I do. Now, I have to untangle what's false from what's true. ...and I wish words were not wielded like such weapons, trying to cut through reality in the search for simple explanations.

I'm killing myself slowly with chaos and confusion. I'm dying by dealing in delusion.

29 Jan 2012

 "Touch not a catt bot a targe..."

...at one point, when I was working at PCL, shelving books, I took a look at my family ancestry. I like to joke now that I'm cousins to McBeth...

The first line above is the MacBean clan motto: Don't touch a cat without a shield.

Finally, I just learned that Bean goes back to the Gaelic word meaning "the lively one"... A little ironic considering my family's recent entanglements with bipolarism...

28 Jan 2013

 If I try to define God, then I limit God.

Yet, if I don't try to define God, then I have a much harder time communicating with God - how do I align myself with an unknown will?

...or... I may miss those Higher Powers acting on my life, chalking experiences up to coincidence, instead of considering possible causes and effects.

And further yet, I keep writing and theorizing... My imperfect attempts to try discern how those Powers greater than me may be operating in the Universe..

25 Jan 2020

 I'm writing and revising what I'm writing, right now, over and over, in my mind.

I do not want to be melodramatic; I do not want to exaggerate, or otherwise dress up the words to create an impact.

Yet, I have this horrible feeling that I'm no more than a failure. I can't shake the sense that I can't thrive, much less survive in this world. (...and as I write that, I start to predict different people's different comments...)

I am going to try to take a nap, and hope that can shift my mood, ever so slightly.

I want to believe that the world wants me in it, yet I demand to see tangible proof. Even if it doesn't want me in it, I'm at a loss to figure out what to do, since I already am in it. (and I don't want to fake it, and simply act, "as if...")

dentist: 18 Jan 2020

about 18 hours later, and I have some jaw pain developing... I still feel poorly treated by the dentist - probably fueled by some shaky expectations on my part.

It frustrates me that yesterday was the 3rd visit in 4 weeks in the same problem, and what felt like a resolution was dangled before me, only to be yanked away. On the first two visits, practically nothing happened: "dentist stuck her gloved hand in my mouth for a minute to take a look at the trauma, then sends me on my way with a $5 copay. Tells me to gargle with salt water, at home." (both of the first 2 visits)

Today, they were claiming they would get a biopsy, and sand down some of the bone, for a nice $600 charge (with insurance considered)... (like night and day?)

But.... as I'm living paycheck to paycheck, in a non-glamourous job; and it seems impossible to set aside savings - I couldn't pay even the down payment on the credit line offered to cover the expenses. I couldn't pay anything, actually, because my account had overdrafted during the previous night.

I was kind of hoping that I would get some consideration as a returning patient, who had successfully completed a dental credit line, before. Nope, no favoritism here, no consideration of past transactions.

I know it's small beans compared to some people's medical nightmares; but it still feels like I was led on and then uncermoniously let go. ...and I still have to deal with whatever untreated gum condition has been causing me much concern over the last month.

I guess I'll just gargle salt water. It'll be like I'm swimming in the ocean, eh?

15 Jan 2017

It doesn't make sense. My mind is screaming at me to change the way it feels, or just put an end to it all. I want comforts, and yet I don't see the easy paths to reaching them. Food, company, alcohol, sex, drugs - or oblivion... I just don't want to wait this poverty out. I fear some of my relationships have gotten twisted off, too... I'm worried about my friend(s)...? I'm all sorts of anxious about the future. Yet, my circumstances are mostly going to improve in a short period of time? Part of me wants to write it all off as my bipolar brain in transition from mania to depression. Seems so simplistic, though...

14 Jan 2016

Remember: Some who live by a religion may be quite peaceful and mild-mannered, while some may be extremists... The religion does not create the crackpots.

10 Jan 2012

Random thoughts that distracted me tonight: "Have I really let my H.P. into my life? Prayer is a weak area for me. However, I've always had a strong personal moral code..." "I find it difficult to ask for help from friends and family, but I'm perfectly willing to tap into government aid. I have mixed feelings about doctors..." ...and towards the end, I was thinking about the Seven of Cups (although I actually had the Five's image in mind) and the Nine of Swords from the Rider-Waite deck... Yep. Just a sample of the twists and turns my mind will wander... ----------------comment one ------------------------- Why do i think prayer is weak? People talk about foxhole prayers, but honestly I've never used them. On the other hand, there have been a couple of "G. Damn It"'s sprinkled in my past... I've only had a few short periods where I pray every night, and usually those periods pull from memorized prayers. I think there's a part of me that doesn't believe prayers to the air will be answered, at least in a manner that I can easily correlate. Then again, part of the power of prayer is that it helps redirect my mind, and refocus it on goals -ya know, like affirmations.. I think this thread ties back more to Sunday morning than to last night... --------------- sub-comments on comment 1 -------------- Jody Bean Correction to first line: Why do I think MY prayer is weak?… See More · Reply · 9y Summer Harris Prayer really does help but if u dont belive in what your praying to it wont! I have been looking at praying more like meditation. Taking my time with it an not rushing helps. · Reply · 9y Don Herminghaus your life will tell you the answer to that · Reply · 9y Jody Bean If one's life is chaos and one doesn't pray, then perhaps there's a connection between the two? I would say the better approach would be to compare one's life before prayer to one's life after prayer... · Reply · 4y Shawn Bean What if ones life is chaos and one *does* pray? Or, what if one doesn't pray but ones life is wonderful? Like Summer Harris mentioned above, most people who try to convince me of the power of prayer tell me I must believe in order for prayer to work. I've believed in many things over the course of my life. I've believed in Christianity, and in the dogma of the Roman Catholic Church (and fair warning to anyone who wants to claim that the Roman Catholic Church isn't Christian: you'd better be able to show me your degree from a Seminary before you make that claim, or you're just going to be dismissed straight out of hand.) I've believed in Buddhism, and that chanting "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo" to a parchment scroll could bring happiness. I've believed that holding onto a funny-shaped rock of the most common mineral in Earth's crust while thinking about a particular color could cure everything from the common cold to stage 4 cancer. I've believed in angels and in aliens. I've believed some things that even schizophrenics suffering from their worst hallucinations would tell you is pure bunk. And I've also believed -- and still do believe -- that the human mind is one of the most sophisticated thinking things that can possibly exist. That's what makes all of those disparate beliefs work, to whatever extent they work. We don't live in any sort of "real" world; our consciousness is confined to the subjective world of our own thoughts and perceptions. And it turns out that is a pretty malleable world where belief and denial can become forces to be reckoned with. So, where does that take us? What works for you -- if you'll excuse the tautology -- is what works for you. It may not work for anyone else, but that's not the point; the point is *your* happiness, *your* contentment, *your* ability to live a good life. If right words, right thoughts, and right deeds coupled with meditation and reflection bring you acceptance and peace with your life, then do you *need* prayer? I once heard it explained that prayer directs outward from ourselves what meditation directs inward from ourselves (bear in mind, it was a Zen teacher who said this, so I haven't the foggiest clue what she meant by "ourselves." Nor "outward" or "inward", for that matter. But there is good Zen there, nonetheless.) So, in that light, prayer and meditation are the same thing, just focused differently. Prayer supposes a personal deity, and meditation supposes an illusory self. But they both seek to provide comfort, strength, resilience, acceptance -- all aspects of turning discontent with our own lives into harmony. (Oh, yeah, and I've believed in Taoism, too; still do, to be honest.) When we look at it like that, the form our comfort takes really becomes secondary to the all-consuming question of: does it work *for you?* If so, then you're doing it right. If not, then, try something else! · Reply · 4y · Edited Summer Harris Everyday I have with him is a blessing. He has so many challenges and never complains he has taught me alot. Image may contain: 2 people, people smiling · Reply · 4y

2 Jan 2017

As the ice melted, The bitter tang of iced tea Dulled, the past vanished... Since I was a teen, I've guzzled tea after tea, And found water "meh"... Yet, a curse chases: Thirst unquenched, puking begins Without alchohol... This saddens me so - How my stomach tells me, "no"; Yet, my brain: "go.. GO!!"

For what it's worth, I began pickling vegetables to hopefully prolong their edible period. I've done cucumbers, onions, carrots, bell pepper, and radishes in various combinations, so far.
Today, I thought that I would drain off the brine and reuse it on celery, onions, and jalapenos - hoping for a kind of spicy Cajun mix.
However, I'm rather exhausted, right now, so I'm going to table the repack until tomorrow.

Sinking into a steaming pile of envy...
The feelings burn, yet have no warmth.
Why would we not be thankful
For surviving, so far, on what we have?
Some wolf pulled the wool over our eyes,
And left us so unsatisfied....
Society is rife with fairy tales,
Built up like that fabulous bean stalk,
To put our head deep into these clouds,
And to leave us thirsty, even when it rains.
Trying to paint images in these short bursts,
I'm still relying on too much green -
"The Old Ways die hard,
And I have no moral to relate...
Is that another danger
Of jaded sight, Of blind eyes,
Or of hungry hearts snatching with hate?"

(attempted 2nd take on an earlier post)
I do not love you,
Because you are absolutely perfect...
I love you,
Because I believe it's best -
The best Way to transcend our flaws.
...and when our love wanes,
And our minds' eyes see only wrongs...
I hope our hearts, like warm ember coals
Sustained through "campfire songs",
Will melt away shoulders grown cold
To massage away the trouble,
In the hope that it is but a trifle.

Why do I love you,
Even if we’re strangers?
Why do I believe
That there are no dangers?
Honestly?
The unknown casts up so many threats -
Intentional, or accidental wrought..
So, it’s quite possible that my love can hurt,
Even when simple friendship is sought...
Yet... “A burden shared is halved,
And a joy shared is doubled.”
So, if I treat all, alike,
With love and openness -
Hopefully, together,
We can lessen the pains
That we create when we’re alone.
That’s why I love this universe,
And all the lives in it -
Because there’s comfort found,
In knowing that I’m
Part of something big.

so, i'm dissatisfied with the last 24 hours. I wish there had been more company about - most of the time was either spent tutoring or doing stuff by myself.
maybe, it's that I wanted to learn something new, and feel some intellectual stimulation? Like.. why is tutoring not enough to fill the company void? why is reading, whether online or in paper, or even TV shows - why do they not fill the need (to be honest, I did not try much of media, today)
perhaps, meditation could do the trick, too?
i wonder if this is still not 100% accurate. Maybe the unmet need is to feel valued in others' eyes - to have some type of validation outside of myself that I'm actually being useful in society. (even if that society would just be a nuclear family of my own)
If I'm forced to seek solutions (like our society tries to imprint on all men), there's the resounding cry to be of service and/or contact: - to structure the day so that some of my activities include and value others. "it's not enough to vainly hope that others will come to me"
Yet, that "insert yourself into others' lives" strategy seems to be at direct odds with the "respect our privacy" current. In one example, I do not want to compliment women because I don't want to be accused of harassment - providing unwanted attention. Another example would be to "not call after 2 a.m., because most people would like to sleep then"
So, I often talk myself out of attempting to contact and include others; because I have a lot of fear around upsetting or annoying them.
Even the simple events of trying to organize meetups, or offer movie passes, or suggest going to dinner - more often than not, they turn into abyssmal failures where nobody joins in. (If other people create events, there's great turnout - I just seem to have the black thumb of event fizzles)
Perhaps there's some weird conditioning, back in my past, that's created this craving for company. Perhaps, I'm just living under past expectations of how to conduct my day.
it still leaves me restless on many a night... feeling unfulfilled... and ultimately questioning my existence.

While perusing my memories, today, for the big port-out, I noticed Damaris Taylor had liked one of them. I spent some time, visiting her page, remembering what an awesome soul she is, and I paused to reflect on her last writings, here. She said some really powerful stuff... but there's no longer a share button, so I'll leave it on her wall...

Will anyone treat me to a meal, and their company?
...or even...
I've got some coupons from my past year's film fest volunteering. Does anyone want to help me use them?
---------------------
passive-aggressive me was hoping that somebody, anybody would make the offer, based on my week of misery posts, this week. No nibbles, there.
Part of me hoped the offer would be extended to join the 5:30's First Friday meal, yesterday; and another part was hoping that some group would meet up after this morning's 8:30 Western Trails meeting. Yet, maybe those are false expectations, considering how little interaction I have, outside of meeting times.
Another part of me questions if Facebook is even a viable communication medium, any more. Either their algorithms don't highlight their posts, or my past angry posts have put me on multiple block lists, or people just don't use it any more because of all of the bad political posts that they've had to put up with.
Then there's the basic circumstances of my life. I don't have a car, so you'd have to wait for me to bus to you; or you'd have to trouble yourself to come pick me up from Southeast Austin. I only have a couple of coins in my wallet and a negative bank balance - hence the week of misery posts - so I certainly can't pay for my food at the moment. (I could offer to give you plenty of food out of my pantry - I could even offer to make you dinner, if you don't mind eating neighborhood pantry fare...)
Oh, and I imagine that most people write me off as boring, or unable to hold up my end of an interesting conversation. I think some people think that I'm silent and moody; or lost in mathematical thinking.
-----------
Still, I wonder if anyone would care to share a meal and their company with me...

Now, I balk at going to the gym, because it's nearby the I-35 overpass. My mind is in this repeat cycle: "You should jump. You should just go out there and jump. Fuck the collateral damage!"
It's wondering if overdosing on my prescriptions would be toxic enough to kill me - that wasn't the case, back in '98....
All the justifications revolve around how little evidence there is, that I have any value in others' lives. I know the justifications aren't correct, because I'm still appreciated by my supervisor, and I'm invited to the weekly board game night.
My mind does not want to deal with living on a negative bank balance, for a week. It does not want to consider cancelling appointments, like with my therapist, because the money's just not there. It does not want to face starvation, because I end up lacking the time to make a meal, or not have the money to buy one.
It's spinning out, because of poverty, again. Then it gets slapped with the harsh reality that it does not know how to reach out. It does not believe there's any support network out there, for me.
That combination of isolation and poverty bring up all the suicidal specters... brings up those harsh self-judgements that I'm not appreciated, wanted, desired - "just some bore who can't get over hearing himself speak".
I don't know how to speak. I'm often the silent one in the group conversations. I don't go out of my way to impose myself into your lives, and start digging for juicy gossip bits. I would love to know all of you a bit better, but I don't want to force myself to do so.
So, I'm stuck with my suicidal thoughts, beating them back as best as I can. I have that paranoid fear to reveal that I'm having them, out of fear of getting locked up in ASH for a few weeks. Also, out of fear that everyone will trot out the simple answers to "check your meds" or "talk to your therapist" - all the while, while they're busy scrolling through Facebook, on their phones... instead of trying to connect outside of the internet. "Yes, I can see the irony that I'm writing that of Facebook...."
As I said in a post, an hour ago, I'm gravely afraid of making the calls, because I do not like the reactions that I'm already projecting on y'all. "People will scoff, at my peanuts of problems; and others will try to write me off as an attention-seeking clown." ...or.... they're just too busy to take the call, now, and they'll delay the return call, indefinitely.
Maybe, I'm typing all of this, because it's easier for me to process by typing instead of speaking - you know, there's that record of what's been said, whether it's shadows or harsh truths... Maybe, I should try Don E.'s "write with your non-dominant hand" to try to cut through superfluous phrasings...
At this point, I'm backing off from going to the gym, tonight. I'm going to try to focus on getting a better second job. Perhaps the venting has helped subdue the stinking thinking, for the moment.

I've heard the advice in the recovery community, over the years, that, when I'm this "discombobulated", I need to just pick up the phone and start calling people.
Yet, I'm still afraid that I'll get a lot of cold shoulder responses... or maybe it's ugly pride that I don't need to make those calls, because I still think I can weather this by myself. Maybe it's a forlorn hope that Facebook still works as a mass broadcast.
On a darker vein, I'm afraid that I will start to manipulate people, especially in writing monologues like these. "If I'm just passive-aggressive enough, I'll eventually get a response, right?" (Probably not the best response, but it's better than a vacuum.)
I also think on all the broken promises, on both sides of the street - "I'll call you in an hour", "Let's do lunch!", "That sounds like a great idea, and I'll get right on it", and probably countless others. I don't want to hold them over other people's heads like some guilt trip, but it certainly erodes at my trust that I can depend on that relationship. I would hazard that's true, even if I'm the one breaking the promise, because that shows that I'm not willing to take that commitment seriously, right?
I'm thinking that I'll head to the gym, for some late-night exercise. It's only one of the 3 days that I committed to, this week; but it's a start, right?
I once heard that the worst day to post on Facebook is Fridays, because of the end of the work week and all. Not sure how backed that is by scientific research, but most stuff here is not well-researched.

For the next week, I'm relying on my food pantry, and neighborhood food pantries, in order to be fed.
Part of me wants to finally settle down, and see if I can salvage anything usable from the wilted greens, and get to work pickling the various other veggies. I'm leaning towards some sort of grilled veggies mix.
Another part of me doesn't know if I have the energy to spend 1-2 hours in the kitchen, right now; pulling it all together. It's the part that just wants to crawl back under the bed covers again, feeling so defeated by this week, and so afraid that my future budget won't ever be able to recover.
I guess the second option is better than facing that nagging voice in my head that tells me I'm an ill-equipped failure, unable to deal effectively with society's struggles on the path to success. It wants to remind me, painfully, how I've lived like a poor college student since 1990, how I never can get my debts under control, how I can't save for retirement or even entertainment without seriously jeopardizing my essential expenses like food, housing, and medical care.
It's the part that constantly chastises me when I realize that I can't follow through with even simple commitments. It's the anxiety, gripping at my chest, trying to tighten up my heart to the inevitable point of a stroke or heart attack.
It measures me against everyone I see, and against what I've been told to expect; and finds all sorts of ways that I don't measure up... some times, painfully echoed in the criticisms, or even just the avoidances, brought on by the people around me.
Now, that I've had my little scream, I'm going to try to nap for an hour. Hopefully, that'll reset me enough to get to work on those wilted greens...

“My difficulties, my joys, my life do not register as needing your attention.”
- me, stirring my pity pot
...and so, I said nothing about them in my meeting share, today.

I want to post something, because I don't want to call anyone.
...so, there's a desire to talk with anyone, to try to hash out my current fears and frustrations - to attempt to be vulnerable?
...but there's also a filter telling me not to bother anyone at odd hours of the night, not to bother people who I don't normally interact with... basically, some weird polite/paranoid filter, I guess.
I'm really tired of "trying to figure out this life stuff", all on my own. I'm tired of not seeing a support network that I can lean in to. I'm tired of being pushed towards therapists - it's the modern age version of "locking undesirables up in asylums".
I'm sick that I still want to use the "angry white guy" reflex... so many people tell us it's inherently unhealthy for society.
(...and, with me all along, the thought, "Why not end it all?"... because I've been worn out by years of pain and struggle, even if a good bit of it is self-inflicted.)
My paranoid self thinks all this is mute, because no one wants to listen or reply. It tries to convince me that most people have written me off as worthless. It builds its case on the absence of prior contacts, or even the broken promises to stay in touch. It feeds on false expectations of how we're supposed to interact, made all the more false as the digital age mutates communication standards...
I don't know. I'm writing conjectures and such, because I don't know how to connect.

My day starts off with bad tax return news.
Coupled with bitter cold, gloomy weather,
All I wanted to do was stay in bed...
Now, future anxiety lights a fuse -
As our Senate shows its party tether...
Power abuse fears arise in my head.

Second note: (about 2020)

I'm not going to try to capture every post that I put up, in 2020, to Facebook, on this transferal run. I might occasionally add a post, if it seems particularly interesting (or poetic)...

I am having a vision coalesce (possibly as a revision at WordPress - Ha! ):
The decade, 2010-2019, as seen through a Facebook text lens (to avoid having to learn how to move memes around in the various media)...

I question, though, if I can be consistent enough, to capture *EVERY* post that I made, and keep them preserved, or if I might take some editorial license.

blank space: 1/27/20 to 1/30/20.

I know life got pretty busy this week, with a resurgence in game activities and with the start of college classes for tutoring... I"m pretty sure that this time frame was about when I pissed off Dana, too.

So, we did not keep up with checking the Facebook memories, and there might be some missing posts, left on Facebook. Then again, my prior runs at trying to transfer over to here might have caught some posts from earlier years.

Do I need “a cause to believe in”?
...doubtful, as I think I have a handful...
No... I need “a cause that believes in me”.
Perhaps it’s a weakness, but I need to be reminded, regularly, that someone’s, somewhere feels that I add value to their lives. Right now, those reminders are few and far in between the long stretches of silence, exclusion, and general lack of input.
How much of that falls back on my shoulders? Chided for not reaching out to others first, pursuing solitary interests, angry manic outbursts,...

vague feelings of exclusion
a desire to make broad, sweeping generalizations
when contradictory evidence has been presented
the vagueness of vague book
the frustration and despair
as i see old relationships withering away,
as i listen to the crypt-like silence
of a phone that only offers games from company,
the horrible self-image
that i have nothing to offer,
which other people would desire...
feeling like a village elder
who was abandoned when he could no longer hunt...
or a gen x with woefully poor tech skills,
or an unskilled laborer in a world
filled with master carpenters...
Fuck.
Death's Draw is heavy upon my breath, tonight.
perhaps that's why i attempt to write...
perhaps i just wanted company, today -
some attention from the crowd,
some recognition
i don't know what i want
i want my teeth to go back to normal.
i want my muscles to stop their spasm.
i want to forge bridges to cross the chasm
that keeps you and i apart,
even though we have a common heart.
it was a beautiful day,
yet i was in real pain
and i was in psychic pain...
makes ye yearn for a cleansing rain.

Today I learned that January 6th is celebrated as "Bean Day" in various locales. This brought a smile to me...

finding direction for the next decade

With 48 hours until 2020, I wonder what intentions I want to take into the next decade?
- Take better care of my physical health by changing diet and exercise routines
- Become more in tune with my mental health, by renewing my meditation practice...
- ...and by strengthening and nurturing my communication network
- Start planning for old age, through retirement investments
- Plan for my eventual death by drafting legal documents and setting aside the resources, so that my friends and family have clear instructions on what my wishes are
===========
On a small scale, I really should
- plan for at least one interesting vacation,
- gain a master's or higher degree, to better...
- ...position myself to be able to teach college courses,
- try to find reasonable housing? (section 8? another city?)
- Better develop my known hobbies, including graphic art, writing, acting, "parlour games", and possibly dancing (need to get limber first)
- explore other hobbies, like crafting, gardening, cooking
I'll leave at that, as I have to go check on a big pot of black eyed peas....

I tried to hawk some future poems,
Through these bland pages of Facebook:
"For any donations you'd give,
Some crafty lines I'd try to cook!"

Alas, I'm not a gourmet school trained chef;
My cooking mimics what I learned from Dad...
As my writing right hand copies his left!
...And his speech is like a Michigan lad...

Whether I'm mincing or blending phrases,
I must admit, I can hear Dad's stories -
Not the Texan's Tall Tales in those spaces -
Just some under-stated humble glories...

Note: I consider myself "un-dateable" because:
1) My income's been so pitifully poor for my adult life, that I can't "treat myself to special events", much less anyone else - like a live arts show, or a dinner, or other costly outings (guess it's time to think outside the box)
2) I'm not very physicallyattractive - dough boy body - and I'm not terribly interested in spending time on diet and exercise to become so
3) After the various harassment incidents in the news, since the 1980's, I'm very hesitant to try to initiate dates with women. There's this message I picked up from the media, "don't bother us women with your various advances because we're getting far too many of them from boys in general" (I note that, as a man, I do not sense advances towards me from women for an overwhelming majority of my time) ...so, I'd rather put the ball back in the women's court to start up dating. (Unfortunately, women are very wary of initiating any advances, due to repeated burns by bad men in their past)
4) Most of the women I've been interested in, have been work associates or church or AA or social groups - so... there's another hesitation about trying to date in those spheres, in case the relationship gets awkward and disrupts the group in which we know each other. I've broken this rule a couple of times, with the corresponding disastrous results when the relationship got awkward. (I've also attempted online dating, but that's led to some strange stories of it's own. I will not repeat them on Facebook.)
5) I also don't think I fit the media's portrayal of the All-American Guy that everyone wants to be around. I'm not athletic, extroverted, decisive, handy, touchy-feely (see 3 for why) etc etc... (I am fairly intelligent, and playful around friends, and...????)
Might be able to flesh this out more, if I thought more about it... but I'll stop on that. (cross-posting to my timeline)

some strange self-confession at 1 a.m.
there's a desire to confide in somebody -
or just talk honestly with them about my confusions -
yet I have lost so much trust in "that process"...
i have my regular one-on-one therapy, this morning.
i still chafe at the idea of paying somebody,
so that they will listen to my problems.
i have to remind myself,
"I am paying for their training in listening skills,
I am paying them because they have better awareness
Of bipolar, and social services, and so much more
That most of my friends have
Only limited knowledge to draw upon."
i can imagine people in AA saying,
"What about a sponsor, eh?"
After 10+ sponsors in 14 years,
I want to laugh that idea down:
"If they are a good sponsor,
Then they can show how
They use the Steps in their own lives...
...Most people, though, are not good sponsors -
At least, good by that definition."
I want to confide in others,
But I'm afraid of the shaming,
And I'm afraid of the fear,
And I'm afraid of the advice
That would get stirred up.
Are these phantasms in my mind?
Fantasies with no basis in reality?
Because I've seen the shaming, the fear, the advice
Heaped upon others who spoke out -
Because I've seen how my past posts got treated -
Because I'm afraid I've called wolf too many times...
"No, I would have to say,
There's some evidence
For me to be wary of being open, anymore."
And, yet, I suffer in silence.
I want to speak out,
But I'm afraid I've been
Written off for saying too much.
Another fear lurks in the background:
All these delicate matters,
All these resentments,
All this paranoia --
They have wormed and knotted their way
Through my mind,
Adding on the fears as they go,
Until what I want to say...?
I no longer know.

so... i vomit out all the bad stress in my life, and appear to be whining and complaining. I imagine some will then hide my posts or block me, because they don't want to see that stream of negativity.
I did get to enjoy a couple of good meals, today; and most of the tutoring was not difficult to explain, yet it still had nuances of challenge. I was rather upset that the student/tutor ratio was awfully high - not enough tutors to meet the students' demands...
I am rather concerned by my pseudo-narcolepsy... just nodding off to sleep at all times of the day, under all sorts of caffeine levels. It makes me suspect that I might be falling out of balance on vital minerals and nutrients - especially as that has happened in my past.
yet... the nihilistic ennui? yes, I could strive for a healthier, more balanced life, with lots of abundance. Yet, I suspect there is an extreme amount of stress to take on, to get there, especially as a single-income household. So, the thought of suicide tries to present itself as an attractive alternative to all of that stress.
This rat race - it's just so dehumanizing.... so unsatisfying. There has got to be a better model of society that would make lives pleasant for a much larger majority. How can we make this world a much better place for all who live on it?

I gave a presentation today, to about 30 fellow tutors, on trying to understand Number Sense shortcuts. People claim they thought everyone was interested through it all.
I feel that it ended up being incredibly disorganized, with poor notes to follow up on.
I feel a bit ashamed at how chaotic it was, like I was doing a horrible disservice to teaching, to The Number Sense contest, to my own abilities...
I guess I have to wait for the evaluations, yet it feels like “shades of 2003”, when I had a meltdown during student teaching.
The impending sense of doom, this week, gelled into very palpable, tangible doom.

Left to spend another night alone,
With aching back pains galore;
But not willing to dial the phone,
For fear of being a bore...
Not willing to accept calls, either -
I need my sleep, tonight.
already burned out, barely one week in?
(f*ing two-job society...)
(f*ing manic swings...)
Angry that the computer is not typing back,
I'm all up in arms and wanting to f* all this..
Maybe the irish had it best
With a good meal and a long nap?

I’ve been plagued by feelings of worthlessness, this week; brought on by little to no social contacts. I’ve been brought to tears, at least 4 times, over the last 48 hours.
A friend mentioned that I’m the only one who needs to value my life on a previous post; but to what end, if no one else cares to have me around? I imagine if I felt more self-reliant, than I wouldn’t care as much about being in a community...
As near as I can tell, I’m grieving the loss of absent friends..,? Or, I’m just stressed by a more demanding life? I don’t know... it’s got me flustered, though.

Tears came thrice, today;
Hot, intense tracks crossed my cheeks...
Yet, unknown - my pain....

Still screaming, my mind...
Despaired by this stressful life,
No exits - harsh lights.

This Is Just To Say
BY WILLIAM CARLOS WILLIAMS
I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox
and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast
Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

another moment of existential ennui..
My muscles and joints have been aching all night -
I cancelled plans to meet friends...
...which makes this a week of non-socialization?
I just want all the pining,
and all the pains
to evaporate?
No, I really just want
To sleep soundly,
In the hopes
That dreams can fix me?

it feels like my resolve ran out.
my mind just wants to rebel.
it's an ugly mixed episode feeling,
where I want to go manically spend;
yet there is no money,
and even walking around seems treacherous,
due to inclimate weather...
so, it's cabin fever?
perhaps a bit...
and the attempts to distract my mind,
and the hope to be distracted,
Just are not working:
So, suddenly it starts throwing suicidal ideas up -
Trying to tempt me to really give up...
part of me wants to throw up.
it's just an ugly evening,
a horrible reminder
that i don't feel comfortable yet,
especially in my own home;
but also in my current life choices.
the immediate irritants
could take me out?
in the middle of an insane desire
to have peace and comfort again,
...everything could be thrown away...
"such reckless abandon,
such unfeeling selfishness"
Again, I attempt to sleep it off,
to hope for more than an hour nap...

The frantic man
Screamed at the wall,
Hoping the silent bricks
Would sing sweet melodies
About how they all came together...
Alas!
The only voices heard, that night,
“We’re terrible whispers -
Drones deep inside your head;
Built out of your failures,
And cemented together
By your frenzied flights
In fancy and in ‘keeping busy’...”
A man can die
From only a dozen
Deadly bee stings -
He can also die
If he jumps, thinking,
“This time, I can fly!”

I felt so isolated today;
And, even now, I still feel that way...
It stirs up all sorts of fears...
...that I'll trip on my wanderlust,
And get horribly lost.
...or, thinking I will be alone forever,
I'll opt to opt out,
To end it all,
To avoid a prolonged misery of invisibility.
"Sorry, Dad, it's not a happy poem, yet..."
...just let me choke on my pride
and wallow in my piss pool of regrets..
Considering the isolating cause of my distress,
This IS my pitiful cry out for attention,
In the hopes that it will stave off my duress.
But I'll probably half-heartedly cry myself to sleep,
Shooting astral daggers at all, while I weep,
With the thoughts stirred up in my mind's dungeons,
"Fuck Facebook and all its false views of friendship..."

I am hitting that point of resistance.
I do not want to sit in my room, and draft up the presentation on number sense tricks. (procrastination in action)
I do not want to go stomping around in the wintry mix of weather, mostly because I can not think of a destination I want to go to, that I can currently afford.
I am not thrilled at the idea of calling people, or even online chats... partly because I can't think of anything that I would enjoy talking about?
the games on the phone... either played out for the day, or just so much grind fest.
I will probably ending up, lying down, with the radio playing, for a two hour nap. then i will be faced with restlessness at 8:30 pm.
sure...I could flesh out the various one-sentence paragraphs, but my manic mode wants to bounce instead of focus.

My non-specific request for a ride to AA, tonight:
1 - keep in mind that I live in SE Austin, near Bluff Springs and I-35
2 - I was hoping to attend an AA meeting, tonight...
3 - My preference would be for 1313, or the 5:30 12@12, but that’s not required...
4 - The skies have been slinging sleet and ice at us, today - not the best weather to walk, bike, or bus within...
Would anyone like to provide me a ride to and from an AA meeting, tonight? Best way to respond is probably through Facebook Messenger...

Acting from a position of power and security to cause duress and pain to those less fortunate spawns all sorts of abuses. It is at the heart of racism, sexism, classism, and various other ism's...
Yet, I get the impression that many people would discount my personal opinions about such behaviors, because I have never been on their receiving end of the ism abuses (at least, that's how they feel, from their perspective) (since, I am a white, middle-class male, native US, Christian citizen.)
Or... some people feel that because I'm in that position of power, I need to actively counter-act others' abuses by personally providing "favored treatment" to the affected populations. I have mixed opinions about this, but... "queue the 3 people at the fence, standing on different size blocks". To me, it really depends if those amends are helping to accommodate and heal the disability created by the ism, or if they are just trying to cover up continued abuses.
Unfortunately, though, even if I try actively to look beyond the protected characteristics, to try to be a better human... there are deeply seated behaviors in my interactions that still can get triggered. One thing that comes to mind is expressing my physical attraction (or the frustration created by not doing so)... Another I can think of is the difference in tutoring presentations depending on my first impressions of different students...There's probably some fear, too, built around living and walking around in barrios and how that can affect my interactions with strangers I pass on the street.
It's disheartening, really. I am taught by my culture, from an early age, unhealthy behaviors towards others. Even when I try to act against that grain, my little protest can easily be lost when others still see the "single, white man".

this is me,
trying to force out my writing...
i want to avoid
ruminating on the negatives;
i want to embrace
the beauty, the simple, the elegant...
will my mind cooperate?
not without many inner lashings and reprimands,..
you see..or, rather, let me explain...
it sees a problem to solve,
a thing creating disease --
and, focusing and magnifying on that -
all the butterflies and bees
are pushed aside with the flowers and trees...
to make room for nothing more than fleas.
I end up, picking at scabs
That have not an ounce of itchy pain,
IN some forlorn hope
That my skin will be smooth, again.
and... alas, infection is more likely.
noting, now, how negative this turned -
I refrain from banging my head upon the keyboard,
and crying, in desparation,
"Why, God? Why does it go down the drain?"
...yet i will not flush this post,
and I will probably never come back to revise it..
So, it will bleach into the white page,
Like some sort of dog scat,
Left to bake on a friendly Texas sidewalk.

Random strangers are starting to talk with me, during my daily travels. I try to be pleasant and attentive...
Although I do wonder what may be the sparks that lit up all this chit-chat...

May this be happy,
And may it be peaceful...
That the fury and futility subside;
In hopes that life becomes joyful.
It is hard to deny that the fears gnaw upon my bones;
And a challenge to spy gathered birds and bees, not alone.
I am grateful for...
Loving friends and family,
Relative peace in the city;
A cupboard that is not empty;
The company of pets
To bring me back to here and now...
I have some regrets,
Some words harshly spoken,
Lashing out at the world
When fear gripped my throat,
And made me weep for my uncertain future...
Yet, that fear...?
It's the fear of losing something we have, no?
Or is it karma's bitter reminder
That we will receive that which we have sewn?
I must try to sleep, now;
As an early morning approaches -
Beginning a new job,
And continuing an old one;
With the later evening spent
Over board games with friends.
May the sleep be restful,
May the dreams flow from the gate of truth,
And may tomorrow bring us all
Some small measure that life's joys
Are in our pudding's proof..?
Have I had enough meat, yet?

Still picking at a sore, here...
It is not so much the isolation
That comes from being alone,
But the abandonment
When the frenzy of former friendships fizzles,
And I become neglected and abandoned
Like a Jack-o-Lantern on Thanksgiving Day?
"oh, the old patterns! Oh, the old sayings!
Oh, the trouble of being inconvenienced..."
When no longer in fashion,
Must I adopt a new vogue?
Or become a two-bit character actor,
Playing to scripts unseen?

Words are like water,
Slipping through the chasms of my mind.
I want to make sense.
I want to be well understood.
It's a desire for connection,
Or perhaps respect due an elder.
And, yet, my mirror has been shattered,
And my feeble attempts to articulate
Are ending in grotesque tragedies
I flail at my circumstance,
Or I try to whip up
Some sympathetic frenzy
and paranoia tells me
that you hear me crying
too many wolves
...or that no one is left in this empty room.
every poem creates a sad water color
every post gets casually liked, then passed over
every meeting, i climb upon a soapbox
only to be shunned as a dirty heathen.
I float adrift, in this plastic choked sea
stripped of all the stories that lend identity.

My motivation has eroded away,
Drained by lonely day after lonely day;
And this winter's horrible, intermittent pay.
Stuck in a virtual tunnel,
Staring down the fear train,
And I've already been spread a mile thin
Across the rusty, overgrown tracks.
I would love to be happy again.
I would be happy to love again.
...alas, I feel so invisible, most days;
written off as unimportant.. or negative.. or Eeyore..
Or just another hyper-critical Virgo?
'Tis hard to say, "What should I say?"
'Tis hard to believe
That entertainment reigns supreme,
And if my stories bore you or confuse you,
Then my fate will be to speak to empty rooms.
The lingering thought, the past remark
That I'm just another autism spectrum,
With some narrow intelligence...
The confusion and bewilderment
That I'm still single, after all these years,
Because I refuse to play
Into those dating modes
That "everyone" claims to hate...
And I wax on and on,
Building another text wall,
And I leave the phone off
Because who **really** wants a 2 a.m. call?

"My mind is a dangerous neighborhood" -
A saying that I've often heard,
Sitting in various AA settings...
True, my mind thinks that getting more
Will just increase my pleasures,
Without regard to the havoc
Set upon my poor over-loaded organs -
Or so much, much more time,
Chasing after that fleeting, ever-fleeting high,
Instead of gritting my teeth
And facing all the fears of mine...
Oh, but the danger is a bit more insidious,
Because...
My Brain..?
...it's not satisfied with same, old, same...
It wants continuous affection,
It wants an ego-stroking spotlight
Of epic proportions!
It scoffs and guffaws at the pale painting
Of an ordinary, sunny day
Working in an ordinary brick and mortar,
At an ordinary 9-5 grind of a job...
Remember - my mind wants to be entertained,
And it will go to insane lengths,
Just to lose touch with my reality.
An aside...
"i wonder if they knew,
Back in middle school G/T,
The chaos that would ensue
By having me brainstorm every little thing?"
...and that is how this beleagured brain
Tries to shake off responsibility
And cast far and wide,
All sorts of others to blame.

Thoughts on income, careers, jobs, and gigs...
I recently heard that we are moving into a gig-based economy, in the sense that people are getting paid for completing a series of short projects.
In the tech industry, this would be akin to developing a computer program that fulfills one need, then moving on to complete a different computer program for a second set of possibly wildly different needs, and so on. You could also be a festival rat, volunteering at multiple festivals throughout the year, with each one only lasting up to a week. There's also the Favor/Uber model, where you are paid by delivering x, and only paid by the delivery, not by the time that you're on the clock.. or even commission sales..?
So, there's this sense that a job is not a continuous activity, but rather a series of short activities with various lengths of down time between them. The employer model then turns into "we will only pay you when your skills are needed", and you then become responsible for budgeting your money to last through the periods of down time.
Now, some jobs still require a more continuous type of activity. K-12 teachers are basically asked to watch over children while we work, emergency services are paid to protect life and property, people have to gather and prepare food, and some folks are asked to watch over the stores where stuff is sold. Yes, I know that this is a gross over-simplification. I also realize that even these jobs are not asked of individuals 24/7/365...
We could also look at how expertise influences income and careers. Basically, if you can find a niche in the economy that's not easily filled by anyone else - like being a brain surgeon, or being a computer programmer in the 80's and 90's, - then you hopefully have secured a demand for your skills, and will be paid well for it.
Usually, it is not the same person paying you for the rest of your life, but rather great multitudes that come to you for your great knowledge. Since there are so few brain surgeons, parents push their children to become brain surgeons so as to secure a non-competitive income. Except... it's really difficult to become a brain surgeon, and that's probably why there's so few of them to begin with. (Not so much, anymore, with computer programming - and, ironically, we are reaching the point where computers can be taught to be brain surgeons)
An often overlooked part of the ecological niche idea is that skilled trades are just as well paid, but usually not as difficult to acquire. They usually have less appeal, though, due to the physical demands of their work, or health risks? (Like carpenters and mechanics and policemen and garbagemen and...) It's possible they are paid slightly less, because there are more people working in that trade? Although I would think this would be like forgetting about the nurses when you're talking about the brain surgeons, while simultaneously forgetting about the master carpenters while talking about their apprentices.
So... recap. Most jobs are really paying by the gig, and careers with more specialized skill sets reduce their workforce and thereby increase the number of people each specialist needs to serve.
Now, there are other ways of making money that often are not talked about. One that immediately comes to mind is property - we can rent or sale the "things we own" like land or tools, and thereby earn money through those things instead of through our individual person's presence.
I'm thinking another income stream comes through insurance and interest ideas. We pay part of a cost of something that may or may not happen, over a length of time; to defray the cost should it actually happen (insurance) - so the insurance agent actually has use of a pool of money until said event happens. Or... we can not pay all of the costs up front, so we pay a little extra to a lending institution in order to better secure their trust that we will pay everything after an extended time (interest)
However, who is it that really determines the intrinsic value of a good or service? (Well, I guess that treads into economics) Why is it that Uber and Lyft can jack up prices during high traffic periods (fixed supply but increased demand, right?) ? Why is that a cashier with 10 years of experience could demand more wages than an entry-level one (supposedly, because they have less need for training)? Why is it that rent in a metropolitan area is higher than that in a rural one (less goods and services available in the latter?)?
I'm probably drifting, now...
The thought that got me wondering about all this;
"Is my skill set limited, and no longer in demand?"

A good friend complained that I did not believe she was “being there for me”:
Note that there are various degrees of acquaintance, like:
- family of origin
- Family by marriage
- Significant other
- Best friends
- Work buddies
- Activity buddies
- Co-habitants
- Like-minded individuals
- Trustworthy individuals
- People with wealth and property
- Celebrities
- Disreputable folks
- Emotional vampires
So, i have different ideas about how to interact with people from different circles. Or, even, i May interact with a person differently when I’m working with them then when I’m at an activity with them. Now, Since some people can fall into multiple categories, friendship is not a linear scale, ranging from loved one to enemy.
I note that we have some ideas being sold to us by societal norms and media, saying that “true friends should act like _____” or “everyone should get married and have kids”. My complaint is that very few people live up to the cookie cutter molds that are trying to be sold, especially if you consider how they interact with **everyone** they encounter (and not just the people they favor). A common example is in families, where we have favorite childs, but also disowned relatives... Even though the media image wants a family to be fully functional, most families are a bit dysfunctional.
So, when I complain that I do not think people are being friendly enough with me, what I’m really complaining about is that people are pushing a media image of friendship, while not actually living it in our interactions. Yes, this is a broad generalization and I have seen various exceptions. And yes, I am quite guilty of not being the type of friend(s) that I want in my life.
At another level, for which I am partly responsible, when I consider all the types of acquaintances that I could maintain; I bemoan the fact that I am lacking some, like the family by marriage (or just the significant other)... I also try not to distrust anyone or shun anyone, yet there have been a handful of individuals who have done actions that justify that level of avoidance.
So, I am not saying that everyone has to be my significant other, behaving like the image of that, which we’re fed by various media. What I am saying is that I don’t have a significant other in my life - i don’t even feel like I have the Circle of Five for some circumstances. Like, I do not know who I could feel safe about asking for financial assistance, I do not have a good idea of who would be willing to help me move, I do not know who might be sexually attracted to me (or if it’s mutual), I do not know if anyone would serve as a caregiver... I can almost imagine one of those 20-question surveys that tries to scale a friendship or a Cosmo survey...
Although it’s distressing that I do not feel integrated into a strong community (and how much of that is based in my own fears, instead of reality?), “it’s not your job to take care of me”... (at least, that’s a takeaway from the “every man for himself” idea that we learn in capitalism, right?)
What concerns me, though, is that I’m probably not the only person who’s felt more and more isolated, as he’s aged through the stages of life. Also, without any community, how are people going to start treating each other? Without the love and respect built through community building, what are the chances that people will turn to crime, abuse, and violence? Or... scaling down... to dismissing each other, or cultivating stranger danger?
Yet, many would rather live in the fantastical stories touted by the media, instead of taking the time to honestly try to connect with their neighbors. When we make our neighbors invisible, then it’s easier for those neighbors to live counter to our ideals... or for us to paint them as doing so...
Another long text wall. Yay.
(There’s probably a whole other spinoff about taking care with the words I use, especially being much more specific instead of broad generalizations... but, these are not hard facts, just starting hypotheses)