16 Feb 2020

 experiencing an anxiety like writer's block..?

that uncertainty about who the audience is, and what they would like to read...

it recalls university days, and being afraid to write a long paper analyzing Harlan Ellison's "Theme for English B" (which I might have just screwed up on the reference) [no, I am not currently crafting an elegant, well-researched document]

...analyzing the poem for an English professor in modern poetry.

but, here, now, this writer's block...

afraid, more and more with each post, to be vulnerable - to expose my fears and my uncertainties and my feelings... because I do not like to be torn apart by the wolves. Also, I do not consider how best to consider the comments - what is expected of me, in social media, in the pleasantries of the South...?

One careless slip of the tongue, and I'm licking my boots, again.

so, there's a part of me that just wants a silent audience... that wants to write, with the knowledge that this will be read; and the hope that the comments do not become attacks, (or perceived as attacks) on both sides of the conversation; because, I'm afraid of so many things

I'm afraid because I woke up an hour ago with a bad acid reflex, feeling the bile burning the back of my throat.

I'm afraid that our nation's politics do not "act in the interest of the greater good" (I don't want to be exploited)

Can I speak candidly about sex? I've seen people demonized around sex; so I sigh a long sigh, and (writer's block)

Is there still such a thing as discretion? Seeing some of the posts here, some of the ads on TV, some movies; and I wonder. Earlier, today, I wanted to comment how I feel that our current culture cultivates confrontation (thinking especially about reality TV and roasts?)

I do not claim to have a head full of answers. I know some interesting math facts, a little science, and not much else.

I would like to know more.... but I don't want to bury myself in books, just to be able to boast.

I'm afraid that I'm not enough. That my skill set, and my mental flaws, and my lack of physical training have created nothing more than a corporate drone, consigned to a life of minimum wage jobs, and stuck living in rented rooms.

That no lady would accept me as a viable partner, because I do not measure up to some societal standard(s) that she's carrying around with her. ....and, yes, I know, that I could date men, too; but my personal taste does not desire that.

I don't think my gender comes across as "alpha male".... not very dominant, and not very tied up in the stereotypes that get trotted out in the media. I start writing a list, and people shoot it down, but: "likes to watch sports, likes to work with his hands (cars, construction), has a short temper, ..." (who knows, maybe there's a list built by folks in gender studies about activities commonly associated to just men or just women)

I'm hoping the bile has settled enough now, that I can sleep. I know that I wrote another text wall, and I probably didn't say much that's interesting... but if you've read this far, thank you for taking the time to hear me out, as I babble at the computer...

16 Feb 2017

 This week, I've made some poor choices; and I'm not sure how easy it will be to repair the damage. I'm still sober, but I don't think I'm acting sanely.

I'm reaching a tipping point, where I have to ask, "Do I want to hold on to my old (mostly night) schedule built heavily on games? ....Or do I pursue a career where I don't feel comfortable with meeting the work expected of me?"

I'm rebelling, because I don't want to be stupid, boring, and glum - processing forms all day, 6 months out of the year. Yet, it's an opportunity to improve my finances, and to free up my fall.

I just don't want to give up my old lifestyle, in order to make sane schedules around my new career.

Oh, and I decided to back out of SXSW volunteering last night. I like doing it, but I don't like the amount of time it takes out of my schedule...

Val lament: 13 Feb 2015

 More than likely, no one will show me a token of their love and/or admiration on Valentine's Day. I base this on my past years' experiences, when nothing unusual happened on past Valentine's Days.

Part of that's because I don't go out of my way to observe the holiday, too...

I may not show it often enough, but I do love, respect, and admire most of my friends. So, thank you all, for being a part of my life, another traveller I can find comfort in, during what can sometimes be a very lonely journey.

High School Memories - 12 Feb 2009

 High School Memories.. (Tag-chain)

High School Questions

Share the facebook spam way - tag 25 people including the person who tagged you... ;P

1. Did you date someone from your school?

On graduation night, I started dating Jessi Parker, and the relationship lasted about a month. At the same time, I was contacted by Lori Villarreal, a lady in Tivoli, TX who remembered me from student council camp the summer before - we spent several months writing long letters back and forth to each other and actually met up a couple of years later at UIL State One-Act Play competition.
Now, I did have lots of fantasies all through high school, and middle school, and even elementary... You know - the cheerleaders, the ladies in my catechism class, some of the ladies who went to the math contests, Ms. Ackerman... :D

2. Did you marry someone from your high school?
I haven't married anyone yet. I've been lucky when my relationships lasted three months. I still haven't figured THAT one out.. :(

3. Did you car pool to school?
I'd catch rides in with Robert Russell who lived down the street from me. I would also bike on some days, and walk on some days (30 minute walk)...

4. What kind of car did you have?
Mongoose..? Diamondback..? Can't remember what type of bicycle it was... I did learn to drive a little in my dad's VW bug, but mostly in my step-mom's Oldsmobile...

5. What kind of car do you have now?
Capital Metro..? ..or some bike I don't know the brand of.
I actually kind of like not having a car, although it takes a bit more time planning.

6. It's Friday night...where are you? (then)
Maybe the football game. Most weekends, though, a group of us (the Keys, the Beans, the DeMasters, the Fosters, and I think Robert Russell) would get together and watch movies - most often, the movie was either Pink Floyd's "The Wall" or Monty Python's "The Search for the Holy Grail". There was some hard alcohol to be found every once in a while - one of the advantages of having a brother 5 years my elder.

7. It is Friday night...where are you? (now)
Probably at an AA Meeting, with possible get-togethers at a restaurant afterwords...

8. What kind of job did you have in high school?
working as unskilled labor for a house builder one summer (might have been middle school), at Wylie Supermarket another summer as a bagger, at The Wylie News another summer as a photographer/reporter (my second most favorite job of all time), and at McDonald's another summer - which I quit when they wouldn't let me have my birthday off.

9. What kind of job do you do now?
Well, I counted 12 jobs in the last year, many of them temporary in admin/clerical work. Currently, though, I am a Texas Works Advisor II for the Texas Health and Human Services Commission, which means I'll be trying to fix food stamp and Medicaid applications over the phone, once I get out of training.

10. Were you a party animal?
Noooo... not really... I got caught by my parents in 9th grade after a night out smoking pot (evil influences of my cousin) and run through after-school drug rehab classes, so I laid pretty low through the rest of high school - I could probably count the times I got drunk each year using only my hands. Now, once college came around.. ahem!
11. Were you considered a flirt?
Oh, gosh, no. I was (and still am, to a lesser degree) afraid of "creating friction", i.e. saying something that was taken inappropriately and losing a good friend - we did live in the era when sexual harassment at work found the national spotlight after all...

12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?
Choir in 9th grade, Drama throughout high school, in bit roles.

13. Were you a nerd?
Let's look at the facts - the school gave me 60+ plaques and the first letter jacket for high achievement in academic competition. I also graduated Salutatorian of the class. My parents also had no idea what to do with the 4 or 5 boxes of trophies picked up over the years from math and science competitions. OH - and I was the President of the Math and Science clubs at some point during high school... and Double OH - I was cast as the school nerd when we did "Grease" as the high school musical.
Nah, I wasn't a nerd, not at all.. ;P
By the way, the letter jacket presentation, the Salutatorian speech, the math/science trip where I got tied up to a seat in the back of the bus -- those were all quite memorable moments for me...

14. Did you get suspended or expelled?
no.

15. Can you sing the fight song?
I could probably sing it a fraction of a beat after everyone else, because I'd "remember" the words then...

16. Who was/were your favorite teacher(s) in high school ?
For challenging me to think about stuff - Natale and Wyskup. Natale's grammar lessons were a hoot, and I still remember a lot of the class discussions we had wondering if there's such a thing as unconditional love. Wyskup just had evil tests, and extensive outlines to follow.
For cool field trips and neat exotic animals - Hibbitts.
I liked the fact the Frank (Bruno) was so proactive about math competitions, but I don't remember his classes very well, as I tended to spend the time taking Number Sense tests.
Mrs. Truesdell was cool (I took choir from 7th thru 9th grade), and Mr. Muncy was cool (I saw him a few years later when he brought his new school to state One-Act), and Mrs. Austin was cool - I wonder if she remembers getting me to "pull it together" the hour before "The Boys Next Door"..?

17. Where did you sit during lunch?
I sat with band people the first couple of years, and I think I took advantage of off-campus lunch the last couple of years...

18. What was your school's full name?
Wylie Senior High School

19. When did you graduate?
1990... and boy did that wind blow my cap around. Also, it's kind of funny now, thinking about the torrential downpours following graduation where you couldn't see more than 2 inches past the windshield..

20.What was your school mascot?
Pirate

21. If you could go back and do it again, would you?
I'm fairly happy with my high school experience. I wish I had dated more, though...

22. Did you have fun at Prom?
I went stag to one of the two proms, and I want to say it was the Junior one that I helped on the planning committee with, so, yeah, it was fun seeing the final product of all that planning. I don't think I got any dances, though, and I know I didn't get any invites to after-parties, so that kind of blew chunks.
I also think it was the Junior prom, because I decided to opt out of a prom to go to UIL State the other year.

23. Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom with?
Oh yeah, all the time. Walking down the street, when I'm perplexed by something, or late at night, when I'm lying in bed trying to get sleep... Thankfully, I keep most of the conversations in my head, and I've never answered back... although I have thought about possible conversations with other people, and how they might respond to what I want to say...

24. Are you planning on going to your next reunion?
80% certain that I will go - just got to find transportation (recall the car questions)..

25. Do you still talk to people from school?
Only on facebook and myspace - oh wait, Tina Sampica (Chaffin) did call me once over the last year... I am absolutely HORRIBLE with staying in touch with people if they don't live next door to me.

10 Feb 2011

 On empathy and 'identification':

I am not a doctor. So, I must remember that, based on your external symptoms, I am not at liberty to diagnose your internal condition(s). So, I can not peg you as bipolar, or paranoid, or OCD, or alcoholic, or . . . even though your symptoms seem to be matching my own.

Damned if I don't try, though...

10 feb 2012

 The thought, dominant in my mind,

Blotting out all, besides its kind

Is of intense pain, centered in my right thigh -

It feels like stabbing needles...

I can not think, for too long, on poetic form

Before another jolt brings me back - to forewarn?

I can hear the clock ticks, ever marching on

I feel a neck itch, begging to be scratched...

It's all me, me, me, right now -

I'm so wrapped up in the aches and pains;

I'm only vaguely aware of talks in the Ukraine.

Yesterday, there was a brief glimmer, writing about the cat -

A forlorn desire, to write without wearing the Jody hat.

That's the challenge, really, you see

Not to write about me, me, me -

To create a world fantastic, or sci-fi, or other

With enough clarity to appeal to another...

Yet, hold the ring of truth,

Not just whimsies on the screen.

Writing about writing again - that's another fallback;

Like status updates that only say,

"I'm checking my Facebook feed, see!"

This poem started crippled,

With pain interfering at every turn,

And trying to follow forms of rhyme and meter,

And now, digressing on how to write...

Perhaps tomorrow,

The pain will be less,

The form - not so followed -

And the Scene laid before you all

Without the little devil constantly criticizing...

"36 questions you can use, to fall in love with anyone" - 10 Feb 2015

 What are "36 questions you can use, to fall in love with anyone":

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

4 Feb 2011

I have heard, "Still waters run deep."

...however, another part of me is beginning to wonder if "Still waters beget stagnation"...

...I suppose the crux of the difference is the presence or absence of a purpose in one's (e.g. "my") life.

4 Feb 2020

 I'm shaming myself with words like,

"You shouldn't be stressed out about this. The tasks before you are small potatoes. It's all just first world issues."

I'm trying to minimize - fuck, three tries to spell the word minimize and my mind casts up the spectre of alzheimer's.

I think I'm falling apart in old age, because I can't sustain the level of effort that I used to do, effortlessly.

So, I crave death because I fear a lot of future failures.

3 Feb 2017

 Let us be happy,

Let us be peaceful,

Let us be free from suffering,

Let us be full of loving kindness...

3 Feb 2018

 Years ago, I hit this point where I fully conceded to myself that dating is entirely in the control of the women I know. Basically, so many guys, myself included, have fucked dating up that I had no business attempting to go there, anymore. Besides, women have much, much more at risk with sex; so they should rightfully have complete control over how it proceeds, if at all.

I don't know if that makes sense to any of y'all, especially my fellow men. But, that's my two cents, for now...

1 Feb 2020 - post 2

 To jump on another trend, in social media:

Sure, I run dialogues in my head - more often not. Yes, I often mulling over words in my mind.

It does not happen at all times... well, excepting manic episodes... but it does help me think through ideas I’m contemplating.

I suspect it is a learned behavior, following from being an avid reader as a youth. I suspect this is just one plank of evidence for Gardner’s Multiple Intelligences Theories...

I do note that it is much rarer that I think musically or physically, as I’m not as practiced with those arts. Also, my math/science backgrounds can influence the tone and timbre of my thoughts...

1 Feb 2020

 I do want to lay blame out, like some sputtering flame thrower.

I see my mind, twisting up in strange trips. It's like I went into a back alley and got mugged by Greed, Envy, and the Green-eyed Monster... and the venomous tongue, whispering:

"Every time that YOU try to rally a group together, you're left alone at the party... nobody wants YOU... nobody values YOU..."

In my heart, I know it's repetitive, negative thoughts.... I know that I'm suffering from some myopia - but my poor heart gets so bullied around by my brain.

Chalk up another post under, "The sky is falling", or "the boy who cried wolf", if you will. Or, perhaps, "over-zealous attention hog"... Part of me wishes that I wouldn't try to predict how negatively you view me and my writings, that I wouldn't try to assign words and motives to your actions, or inactions.

Yet.... I do. Now, I have to untangle what's false from what's true. ...and I wish words were not wielded like such weapons, trying to cut through reality in the search for simple explanations.

I'm killing myself slowly with chaos and confusion. I'm dying by dealing in delusion.

29 Jan 2012

 "Touch not a catt bot a targe..."

...at one point, when I was working at PCL, shelving books, I took a look at my family ancestry. I like to joke now that I'm cousins to McBeth...

The first line above is the MacBean clan motto: Don't touch a cat without a shield.

Finally, I just learned that Bean goes back to the Gaelic word meaning "the lively one"... A little ironic considering my family's recent entanglements with bipolarism...

28 Jan 2013

 If I try to define God, then I limit God.

Yet, if I don't try to define God, then I have a much harder time communicating with God - how do I align myself with an unknown will?

...or... I may miss those Higher Powers acting on my life, chalking experiences up to coincidence, instead of considering possible causes and effects.

And further yet, I keep writing and theorizing... My imperfect attempts to try discern how those Powers greater than me may be operating in the Universe..

25 Jan 2020

 I'm writing and revising what I'm writing, right now, over and over, in my mind.

I do not want to be melodramatic; I do not want to exaggerate, or otherwise dress up the words to create an impact.

Yet, I have this horrible feeling that I'm no more than a failure. I can't shake the sense that I can't thrive, much less survive in this world. (...and as I write that, I start to predict different people's different comments...)

I am going to try to take a nap, and hope that can shift my mood, ever so slightly.

I want to believe that the world wants me in it, yet I demand to see tangible proof. Even if it doesn't want me in it, I'm at a loss to figure out what to do, since I already am in it. (and I don't want to fake it, and simply act, "as if...")

dentist: 18 Jan 2020

about 18 hours later, and I have some jaw pain developing... I still feel poorly treated by the dentist - probably fueled by some shaky expectations on my part.

It frustrates me that yesterday was the 3rd visit in 4 weeks in the same problem, and what felt like a resolution was dangled before me, only to be yanked away. On the first two visits, practically nothing happened: "dentist stuck her gloved hand in my mouth for a minute to take a look at the trauma, then sends me on my way with a $5 copay. Tells me to gargle with salt water, at home." (both of the first 2 visits)

Today, they were claiming they would get a biopsy, and sand down some of the bone, for a nice $600 charge (with insurance considered)... (like night and day?)

But.... as I'm living paycheck to paycheck, in a non-glamourous job; and it seems impossible to set aside savings - I couldn't pay even the down payment on the credit line offered to cover the expenses. I couldn't pay anything, actually, because my account had overdrafted during the previous night.

I was kind of hoping that I would get some consideration as a returning patient, who had successfully completed a dental credit line, before. Nope, no favoritism here, no consideration of past transactions.

I know it's small beans compared to some people's medical nightmares; but it still feels like I was led on and then uncermoniously let go. ...and I still have to deal with whatever untreated gum condition has been causing me much concern over the last month.

I guess I'll just gargle salt water. It'll be like I'm swimming in the ocean, eh?

15 Jan 2017

It doesn't make sense. My mind is screaming at me to change the way it feels, or just put an end to it all. I want comforts, and yet I don't see the easy paths to reaching them. Food, company, alcohol, sex, drugs - or oblivion... I just don't want to wait this poverty out. I fear some of my relationships have gotten twisted off, too... I'm worried about my friend(s)...? I'm all sorts of anxious about the future. Yet, my circumstances are mostly going to improve in a short period of time? Part of me wants to write it all off as my bipolar brain in transition from mania to depression. Seems so simplistic, though...

14 Jan 2016

Remember: Some who live by a religion may be quite peaceful and mild-mannered, while some may be extremists... The religion does not create the crackpots.

10 Jan 2012

Random thoughts that distracted me tonight: "Have I really let my H.P. into my life? Prayer is a weak area for me. However, I've always had a strong personal moral code..." "I find it difficult to ask for help from friends and family, but I'm perfectly willing to tap into government aid. I have mixed feelings about doctors..." ...and towards the end, I was thinking about the Seven of Cups (although I actually had the Five's image in mind) and the Nine of Swords from the Rider-Waite deck... Yep. Just a sample of the twists and turns my mind will wander... ----------------comment one ------------------------- Why do i think prayer is weak? People talk about foxhole prayers, but honestly I've never used them. On the other hand, there have been a couple of "G. Damn It"'s sprinkled in my past... I've only had a few short periods where I pray every night, and usually those periods pull from memorized prayers. I think there's a part of me that doesn't believe prayers to the air will be answered, at least in a manner that I can easily correlate. Then again, part of the power of prayer is that it helps redirect my mind, and refocus it on goals -ya know, like affirmations.. I think this thread ties back more to Sunday morning than to last night... --------------- sub-comments on comment 1 -------------- Jody Bean Correction to first line: Why do I think MY prayer is weak?… See More · Reply · 9y Summer Harris Prayer really does help but if u dont belive in what your praying to it wont! I have been looking at praying more like meditation. Taking my time with it an not rushing helps. · Reply · 9y Don Herminghaus your life will tell you the answer to that · Reply · 9y Jody Bean If one's life is chaos and one doesn't pray, then perhaps there's a connection between the two? I would say the better approach would be to compare one's life before prayer to one's life after prayer... · Reply · 4y Shawn Bean What if ones life is chaos and one *does* pray? Or, what if one doesn't pray but ones life is wonderful? Like Summer Harris mentioned above, most people who try to convince me of the power of prayer tell me I must believe in order for prayer to work. I've believed in many things over the course of my life. I've believed in Christianity, and in the dogma of the Roman Catholic Church (and fair warning to anyone who wants to claim that the Roman Catholic Church isn't Christian: you'd better be able to show me your degree from a Seminary before you make that claim, or you're just going to be dismissed straight out of hand.) I've believed in Buddhism, and that chanting "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo" to a parchment scroll could bring happiness. I've believed that holding onto a funny-shaped rock of the most common mineral in Earth's crust while thinking about a particular color could cure everything from the common cold to stage 4 cancer. I've believed in angels and in aliens. I've believed some things that even schizophrenics suffering from their worst hallucinations would tell you is pure bunk. And I've also believed -- and still do believe -- that the human mind is one of the most sophisticated thinking things that can possibly exist. That's what makes all of those disparate beliefs work, to whatever extent they work. We don't live in any sort of "real" world; our consciousness is confined to the subjective world of our own thoughts and perceptions. And it turns out that is a pretty malleable world where belief and denial can become forces to be reckoned with. So, where does that take us? What works for you -- if you'll excuse the tautology -- is what works for you. It may not work for anyone else, but that's not the point; the point is *your* happiness, *your* contentment, *your* ability to live a good life. If right words, right thoughts, and right deeds coupled with meditation and reflection bring you acceptance and peace with your life, then do you *need* prayer? I once heard it explained that prayer directs outward from ourselves what meditation directs inward from ourselves (bear in mind, it was a Zen teacher who said this, so I haven't the foggiest clue what she meant by "ourselves." Nor "outward" or "inward", for that matter. But there is good Zen there, nonetheless.) So, in that light, prayer and meditation are the same thing, just focused differently. Prayer supposes a personal deity, and meditation supposes an illusory self. But they both seek to provide comfort, strength, resilience, acceptance -- all aspects of turning discontent with our own lives into harmony. (Oh, yeah, and I've believed in Taoism, too; still do, to be honest.) When we look at it like that, the form our comfort takes really becomes secondary to the all-consuming question of: does it work *for you?* If so, then you're doing it right. If not, then, try something else! · Reply · 4y · Edited Summer Harris Everyday I have with him is a blessing. He has so many challenges and never complains he has taught me alot. Image may contain: 2 people, people smiling · Reply · 4y

2 Jan 2017

As the ice melted, The bitter tang of iced tea Dulled, the past vanished... Since I was a teen, I've guzzled tea after tea, And found water "meh"... Yet, a curse chases: Thirst unquenched, puking begins Without alchohol... This saddens me so - How my stomach tells me, "no"; Yet, my brain: "go.. GO!!"

For what it's worth, I began pickling vegetables to hopefully prolong their edible period. I've done cucumbers, onions, carrots, bell pepper, and radishes in various combinations, so far.
Today, I thought that I would drain off the brine and reuse it on celery, onions, and jalapenos - hoping for a kind of spicy Cajun mix.
However, I'm rather exhausted, right now, so I'm going to table the repack until tomorrow.

Sinking into a steaming pile of envy...
The feelings burn, yet have no warmth.
Why would we not be thankful
For surviving, so far, on what we have?
Some wolf pulled the wool over our eyes,
And left us so unsatisfied....
Society is rife with fairy tales,
Built up like that fabulous bean stalk,
To put our head deep into these clouds,
And to leave us thirsty, even when it rains.
Trying to paint images in these short bursts,
I'm still relying on too much green -
"The Old Ways die hard,
And I have no moral to relate...
Is that another danger
Of jaded sight, Of blind eyes,
Or of hungry hearts snatching with hate?"

(attempted 2nd take on an earlier post)
I do not love you,
Because you are absolutely perfect...
I love you,
Because I believe it's best -
The best Way to transcend our flaws.
...and when our love wanes,
And our minds' eyes see only wrongs...
I hope our hearts, like warm ember coals
Sustained through "campfire songs",
Will melt away shoulders grown cold
To massage away the trouble,
In the hope that it is but a trifle.

Why do I love you,
Even if we’re strangers?
Why do I believe
That there are no dangers?
Honestly?
The unknown casts up so many threats -
Intentional, or accidental wrought..
So, it’s quite possible that my love can hurt,
Even when simple friendship is sought...
Yet... “A burden shared is halved,
And a joy shared is doubled.”
So, if I treat all, alike,
With love and openness -
Hopefully, together,
We can lessen the pains
That we create when we’re alone.
That’s why I love this universe,
And all the lives in it -
Because there’s comfort found,
In knowing that I’m
Part of something big.

so, i'm dissatisfied with the last 24 hours. I wish there had been more company about - most of the time was either spent tutoring or doing stuff by myself.
maybe, it's that I wanted to learn something new, and feel some intellectual stimulation? Like.. why is tutoring not enough to fill the company void? why is reading, whether online or in paper, or even TV shows - why do they not fill the need (to be honest, I did not try much of media, today)
perhaps, meditation could do the trick, too?
i wonder if this is still not 100% accurate. Maybe the unmet need is to feel valued in others' eyes - to have some type of validation outside of myself that I'm actually being useful in society. (even if that society would just be a nuclear family of my own)
If I'm forced to seek solutions (like our society tries to imprint on all men), there's the resounding cry to be of service and/or contact: - to structure the day so that some of my activities include and value others. "it's not enough to vainly hope that others will come to me"
Yet, that "insert yourself into others' lives" strategy seems to be at direct odds with the "respect our privacy" current. In one example, I do not want to compliment women because I don't want to be accused of harassment - providing unwanted attention. Another example would be to "not call after 2 a.m., because most people would like to sleep then"
So, I often talk myself out of attempting to contact and include others; because I have a lot of fear around upsetting or annoying them.
Even the simple events of trying to organize meetups, or offer movie passes, or suggest going to dinner - more often than not, they turn into abyssmal failures where nobody joins in. (If other people create events, there's great turnout - I just seem to have the black thumb of event fizzles)
Perhaps there's some weird conditioning, back in my past, that's created this craving for company. Perhaps, I'm just living under past expectations of how to conduct my day.
it still leaves me restless on many a night... feeling unfulfilled... and ultimately questioning my existence.

While perusing my memories, today, for the big port-out, I noticed Damaris Taylor had liked one of them. I spent some time, visiting her page, remembering what an awesome soul she is, and I paused to reflect on her last writings, here. She said some really powerful stuff... but there's no longer a share button, so I'll leave it on her wall...

Will anyone treat me to a meal, and their company?
...or even...
I've got some coupons from my past year's film fest volunteering. Does anyone want to help me use them?
---------------------
passive-aggressive me was hoping that somebody, anybody would make the offer, based on my week of misery posts, this week. No nibbles, there.
Part of me hoped the offer would be extended to join the 5:30's First Friday meal, yesterday; and another part was hoping that some group would meet up after this morning's 8:30 Western Trails meeting. Yet, maybe those are false expectations, considering how little interaction I have, outside of meeting times.
Another part of me questions if Facebook is even a viable communication medium, any more. Either their algorithms don't highlight their posts, or my past angry posts have put me on multiple block lists, or people just don't use it any more because of all of the bad political posts that they've had to put up with.
Then there's the basic circumstances of my life. I don't have a car, so you'd have to wait for me to bus to you; or you'd have to trouble yourself to come pick me up from Southeast Austin. I only have a couple of coins in my wallet and a negative bank balance - hence the week of misery posts - so I certainly can't pay for my food at the moment. (I could offer to give you plenty of food out of my pantry - I could even offer to make you dinner, if you don't mind eating neighborhood pantry fare...)
Oh, and I imagine that most people write me off as boring, or unable to hold up my end of an interesting conversation. I think some people think that I'm silent and moody; or lost in mathematical thinking.
-----------
Still, I wonder if anyone would care to share a meal and their company with me...

Now, I balk at going to the gym, because it's nearby the I-35 overpass. My mind is in this repeat cycle: "You should jump. You should just go out there and jump. Fuck the collateral damage!"
It's wondering if overdosing on my prescriptions would be toxic enough to kill me - that wasn't the case, back in '98....
All the justifications revolve around how little evidence there is, that I have any value in others' lives. I know the justifications aren't correct, because I'm still appreciated by my supervisor, and I'm invited to the weekly board game night.
My mind does not want to deal with living on a negative bank balance, for a week. It does not want to consider cancelling appointments, like with my therapist, because the money's just not there. It does not want to face starvation, because I end up lacking the time to make a meal, or not have the money to buy one.
It's spinning out, because of poverty, again. Then it gets slapped with the harsh reality that it does not know how to reach out. It does not believe there's any support network out there, for me.
That combination of isolation and poverty bring up all the suicidal specters... brings up those harsh self-judgements that I'm not appreciated, wanted, desired - "just some bore who can't get over hearing himself speak".
I don't know how to speak. I'm often the silent one in the group conversations. I don't go out of my way to impose myself into your lives, and start digging for juicy gossip bits. I would love to know all of you a bit better, but I don't want to force myself to do so.
So, I'm stuck with my suicidal thoughts, beating them back as best as I can. I have that paranoid fear to reveal that I'm having them, out of fear of getting locked up in ASH for a few weeks. Also, out of fear that everyone will trot out the simple answers to "check your meds" or "talk to your therapist" - all the while, while they're busy scrolling through Facebook, on their phones... instead of trying to connect outside of the internet. "Yes, I can see the irony that I'm writing that of Facebook...."
As I said in a post, an hour ago, I'm gravely afraid of making the calls, because I do not like the reactions that I'm already projecting on y'all. "People will scoff, at my peanuts of problems; and others will try to write me off as an attention-seeking clown." ...or.... they're just too busy to take the call, now, and they'll delay the return call, indefinitely.
Maybe, I'm typing all of this, because it's easier for me to process by typing instead of speaking - you know, there's that record of what's been said, whether it's shadows or harsh truths... Maybe, I should try Don E.'s "write with your non-dominant hand" to try to cut through superfluous phrasings...
At this point, I'm backing off from going to the gym, tonight. I'm going to try to focus on getting a better second job. Perhaps the venting has helped subdue the stinking thinking, for the moment.

I've heard the advice in the recovery community, over the years, that, when I'm this "discombobulated", I need to just pick up the phone and start calling people.
Yet, I'm still afraid that I'll get a lot of cold shoulder responses... or maybe it's ugly pride that I don't need to make those calls, because I still think I can weather this by myself. Maybe it's a forlorn hope that Facebook still works as a mass broadcast.
On a darker vein, I'm afraid that I will start to manipulate people, especially in writing monologues like these. "If I'm just passive-aggressive enough, I'll eventually get a response, right?" (Probably not the best response, but it's better than a vacuum.)
I also think on all the broken promises, on both sides of the street - "I'll call you in an hour", "Let's do lunch!", "That sounds like a great idea, and I'll get right on it", and probably countless others. I don't want to hold them over other people's heads like some guilt trip, but it certainly erodes at my trust that I can depend on that relationship. I would hazard that's true, even if I'm the one breaking the promise, because that shows that I'm not willing to take that commitment seriously, right?
I'm thinking that I'll head to the gym, for some late-night exercise. It's only one of the 3 days that I committed to, this week; but it's a start, right?
I once heard that the worst day to post on Facebook is Fridays, because of the end of the work week and all. Not sure how backed that is by scientific research, but most stuff here is not well-researched.

For the next week, I'm relying on my food pantry, and neighborhood food pantries, in order to be fed.
Part of me wants to finally settle down, and see if I can salvage anything usable from the wilted greens, and get to work pickling the various other veggies. I'm leaning towards some sort of grilled veggies mix.
Another part of me doesn't know if I have the energy to spend 1-2 hours in the kitchen, right now; pulling it all together. It's the part that just wants to crawl back under the bed covers again, feeling so defeated by this week, and so afraid that my future budget won't ever be able to recover.
I guess the second option is better than facing that nagging voice in my head that tells me I'm an ill-equipped failure, unable to deal effectively with society's struggles on the path to success. It wants to remind me, painfully, how I've lived like a poor college student since 1990, how I never can get my debts under control, how I can't save for retirement or even entertainment without seriously jeopardizing my essential expenses like food, housing, and medical care.
It's the part that constantly chastises me when I realize that I can't follow through with even simple commitments. It's the anxiety, gripping at my chest, trying to tighten up my heart to the inevitable point of a stroke or heart attack.
It measures me against everyone I see, and against what I've been told to expect; and finds all sorts of ways that I don't measure up... some times, painfully echoed in the criticisms, or even just the avoidances, brought on by the people around me.
Now, that I've had my little scream, I'm going to try to nap for an hour. Hopefully, that'll reset me enough to get to work on those wilted greens...

“My difficulties, my joys, my life do not register as needing your attention.”
- me, stirring my pity pot
...and so, I said nothing about them in my meeting share, today.

I want to post something, because I don't want to call anyone.
...so, there's a desire to talk with anyone, to try to hash out my current fears and frustrations - to attempt to be vulnerable?
...but there's also a filter telling me not to bother anyone at odd hours of the night, not to bother people who I don't normally interact with... basically, some weird polite/paranoid filter, I guess.
I'm really tired of "trying to figure out this life stuff", all on my own. I'm tired of not seeing a support network that I can lean in to. I'm tired of being pushed towards therapists - it's the modern age version of "locking undesirables up in asylums".
I'm sick that I still want to use the "angry white guy" reflex... so many people tell us it's inherently unhealthy for society.
(...and, with me all along, the thought, "Why not end it all?"... because I've been worn out by years of pain and struggle, even if a good bit of it is self-inflicted.)
My paranoid self thinks all this is mute, because no one wants to listen or reply. It tries to convince me that most people have written me off as worthless. It builds its case on the absence of prior contacts, or even the broken promises to stay in touch. It feeds on false expectations of how we're supposed to interact, made all the more false as the digital age mutates communication standards...
I don't know. I'm writing conjectures and such, because I don't know how to connect.

My day starts off with bad tax return news.
Coupled with bitter cold, gloomy weather,
All I wanted to do was stay in bed...
Now, future anxiety lights a fuse -
As our Senate shows its party tether...
Power abuse fears arise in my head.

Second note: (about 2020)

I'm not going to try to capture every post that I put up, in 2020, to Facebook, on this transferal run. I might occasionally add a post, if it seems particularly interesting (or poetic)...

I am having a vision coalesce (possibly as a revision at WordPress - Ha! ):
The decade, 2010-2019, as seen through a Facebook text lens (to avoid having to learn how to move memes around in the various media)...

I question, though, if I can be consistent enough, to capture *EVERY* post that I made, and keep them preserved, or if I might take some editorial license.

blank space: 1/27/20 to 1/30/20.

I know life got pretty busy this week, with a resurgence in game activities and with the start of college classes for tutoring... I"m pretty sure that this time frame was about when I pissed off Dana, too.

So, we did not keep up with checking the Facebook memories, and there might be some missing posts, left on Facebook. Then again, my prior runs at trying to transfer over to here might have caught some posts from earlier years.

Do I need “a cause to believe in”?
...doubtful, as I think I have a handful...
No... I need “a cause that believes in me”.
Perhaps it’s a weakness, but I need to be reminded, regularly, that someone’s, somewhere feels that I add value to their lives. Right now, those reminders are few and far in between the long stretches of silence, exclusion, and general lack of input.
How much of that falls back on my shoulders? Chided for not reaching out to others first, pursuing solitary interests, angry manic outbursts,...

vague feelings of exclusion
a desire to make broad, sweeping generalizations
when contradictory evidence has been presented
the vagueness of vague book
the frustration and despair
as i see old relationships withering away,
as i listen to the crypt-like silence
of a phone that only offers games from company,
the horrible self-image
that i have nothing to offer,
which other people would desire...
feeling like a village elder
who was abandoned when he could no longer hunt...
or a gen x with woefully poor tech skills,
or an unskilled laborer in a world
filled with master carpenters...
Fuck.
Death's Draw is heavy upon my breath, tonight.
perhaps that's why i attempt to write...
perhaps i just wanted company, today -
some attention from the crowd,
some recognition
i don't know what i want
i want my teeth to go back to normal.
i want my muscles to stop their spasm.
i want to forge bridges to cross the chasm
that keeps you and i apart,
even though we have a common heart.
it was a beautiful day,
yet i was in real pain
and i was in psychic pain...
makes ye yearn for a cleansing rain.

Today I learned that January 6th is celebrated as "Bean Day" in various locales. This brought a smile to me...

finding direction for the next decade

With 48 hours until 2020, I wonder what intentions I want to take into the next decade?
- Take better care of my physical health by changing diet and exercise routines
- Become more in tune with my mental health, by renewing my meditation practice...
- ...and by strengthening and nurturing my communication network
- Start planning for old age, through retirement investments
- Plan for my eventual death by drafting legal documents and setting aside the resources, so that my friends and family have clear instructions on what my wishes are
===========
On a small scale, I really should
- plan for at least one interesting vacation,
- gain a master's or higher degree, to better...
- ...position myself to be able to teach college courses,
- try to find reasonable housing? (section 8? another city?)
- Better develop my known hobbies, including graphic art, writing, acting, "parlour games", and possibly dancing (need to get limber first)
- explore other hobbies, like crafting, gardening, cooking
I'll leave at that, as I have to go check on a big pot of black eyed peas....

I tried to hawk some future poems,
Through these bland pages of Facebook:
"For any donations you'd give,
Some crafty lines I'd try to cook!"

Alas, I'm not a gourmet school trained chef;
My cooking mimics what I learned from Dad...
As my writing right hand copies his left!
...And his speech is like a Michigan lad...

Whether I'm mincing or blending phrases,
I must admit, I can hear Dad's stories -
Not the Texan's Tall Tales in those spaces -
Just some under-stated humble glories...

Note: I consider myself "un-dateable" because:
1) My income's been so pitifully poor for my adult life, that I can't "treat myself to special events", much less anyone else - like a live arts show, or a dinner, or other costly outings (guess it's time to think outside the box)
2) I'm not very physicallyattractive - dough boy body - and I'm not terribly interested in spending time on diet and exercise to become so
3) After the various harassment incidents in the news, since the 1980's, I'm very hesitant to try to initiate dates with women. There's this message I picked up from the media, "don't bother us women with your various advances because we're getting far too many of them from boys in general" (I note that, as a man, I do not sense advances towards me from women for an overwhelming majority of my time) ...so, I'd rather put the ball back in the women's court to start up dating. (Unfortunately, women are very wary of initiating any advances, due to repeated burns by bad men in their past)
4) Most of the women I've been interested in, have been work associates or church or AA or social groups - so... there's another hesitation about trying to date in those spheres, in case the relationship gets awkward and disrupts the group in which we know each other. I've broken this rule a couple of times, with the corresponding disastrous results when the relationship got awkward. (I've also attempted online dating, but that's led to some strange stories of it's own. I will not repeat them on Facebook.)
5) I also don't think I fit the media's portrayal of the All-American Guy that everyone wants to be around. I'm not athletic, extroverted, decisive, handy, touchy-feely (see 3 for why) etc etc... (I am fairly intelligent, and playful around friends, and...????)
Might be able to flesh this out more, if I thought more about it... but I'll stop on that. (cross-posting to my timeline)

some strange self-confession at 1 a.m.
there's a desire to confide in somebody -
or just talk honestly with them about my confusions -
yet I have lost so much trust in "that process"...
i have my regular one-on-one therapy, this morning.
i still chafe at the idea of paying somebody,
so that they will listen to my problems.
i have to remind myself,
"I am paying for their training in listening skills,
I am paying them because they have better awareness
Of bipolar, and social services, and so much more
That most of my friends have
Only limited knowledge to draw upon."
i can imagine people in AA saying,
"What about a sponsor, eh?"
After 10+ sponsors in 14 years,
I want to laugh that idea down:
"If they are a good sponsor,
Then they can show how
They use the Steps in their own lives...
...Most people, though, are not good sponsors -
At least, good by that definition."
I want to confide in others,
But I'm afraid of the shaming,
And I'm afraid of the fear,
And I'm afraid of the advice
That would get stirred up.
Are these phantasms in my mind?
Fantasies with no basis in reality?
Because I've seen the shaming, the fear, the advice
Heaped upon others who spoke out -
Because I've seen how my past posts got treated -
Because I'm afraid I've called wolf too many times...
"No, I would have to say,
There's some evidence
For me to be wary of being open, anymore."
And, yet, I suffer in silence.
I want to speak out,
But I'm afraid I've been
Written off for saying too much.
Another fear lurks in the background:
All these delicate matters,
All these resentments,
All this paranoia --
They have wormed and knotted their way
Through my mind,
Adding on the fears as they go,
Until what I want to say...?
I no longer know.