28 Feb 2020

 The shadows in my mind refuse to be trapped and caged in understandable speech. With that ambiguity, they can harness the power of my fears, and leave me babbling in what might possibly the early stages of dementia. Oh, how I've tried to express the concerns to others, yet the oppressive silence that I receive back makes me question the very fabric of my reality.

"Am I making sense, or just written off as phantasmal nonsense?"

Would we understand the fears and anxiety better, if we moved their targets from inside my head onto some of the more heinous acts being committed in this modern world? ...or would you argue that such outward-directed hysteria might be explained as, or by clever gaslighting?

...and another consternation appears, torn from the pages of "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance": Would I let myself stay paralyzed by trying to make sweeping statements about the town's walls, when it would be far more useful to focus in on one brick?

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• Lisa Warfield Monk

  I still say take all these ponderings and put in a book format. Then get a marketer or editor to help you arrange it in a marketable format. It’s an opportunity to get some validation.

  You speak intimately and vulnerably, which is fabulous yet noneth… 

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  • Jody Bean

    Lisa Warfield Monk

     I have been trying to collect my various posts into my blog. Not always able to catch every day’s memories; because I can get too busy to check Facebook...

    

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  • Jody Bean

    Lisa Warfield Monk

     haven’t done much along the lines of publisher research yet - would probably try for an e-book, though

    

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  • Jody Bean

    Lisa Warfield Monk

     in any case, I appreciate your comments, they are motivational..

24 Feb 2013

 I wonder if people treat me poorly, because they don't think I'll try to retaliate..

23 Feb 2012

 “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

22 Feb 2020

 My inner child, my innocent self, and the person I would be if I were unencumbered...

whatever we call it - it's thoroughly bewildered by this "modern world" that it's having to navigate. I feel like a mechanical clock, or even a sundial, trying to keep up with all of the digital watches. My stories to live by have become so distorted, so polluted with garbage that I question if there ever was a fairytale ending.

and yet, i create more trash talk...

i'm suffocating under blankets of anxiety, and it feels like I'm dismissed as just a silly ghost.

i don't know how much of the above I really believe, and how much is me trying to play with words, hoping for some dramatic effect. i do feel out of place, in the present world, more often than not, though...

21 Feb 2018

 In 1982, I was in a bad car accident, where I wasn't wearing my seat belt. I hit the windshield fairly hard with my forehead - at least, hard enough to leave lots of tiny glass shards in my forehead that were dug out over the next six months.

I always have assumed that I came back to consciousness after that event... or after several other losses of consciousness that have happened since.

Still, a delusion, fueled by the various simulated reality stories put forward by the media: "Is it possible that I didn't regain consciousness? ...that I'm caught in some strange simulation, designed to keep my mind stimulated, while medical science is working to find a way to bring me back to health?"

21 Feb 2019

 I’ve been plagued by feelings of worthlessness, this week; brought on by little to no social contacts. I’ve been brought to tears, at least 4 times, over the last 48 hours.

A friend mentioned that I’m the only one who needs to value my life on a previous post; but to what end, if no one else cares to have me around? I imagine if I felt more self-reliant, than I wouldn’t care as much about being in a community...

As near as I can tell, I’m grieving the loss of absent friends..,? Or, I’m just stressed by a more demanding life? I don’t know... it’s got me flustered, though.

21 Feb 2020

 Part of me keeps trying to convince my saner, more rational parts that death would be such bittersweet relief. It's the part that gets irritated at the slightest discomforts, that feeds on annoyance and resentment...

I don't really want to die, though. A filter dropped at the noon meeting, and, if I had been allowed to share (another side resentment, there) - I think I would have shared about getting robbed at the 7-Eleven on an overnight shift (about 8-10 years ago?) at gunpoint. I followed the standard practice, and gave the guy the money in the register. Thankfully, with good cash drop practices, it was only about $30 that he got from my drawer.

That incident spun me out for a good 2 weeks, trying to think of ways that I could have fought, instead. So, it quickly turned into a resentment, dominating my thinking... basically until I found out that the serial robber had finally been caught, after robbing another 10-15 stores.

I have not shared much about this incident since - mostly because I was still in a lot or retail jobs, and I did not want to paint myself as "an easy mark".

Yet, when under real threat of pain or death, I did not joyfully run towards the possibility.

Still, I think there is a part of me that would really like a solid retreat or vacation... that would like to put the modern world on hold for a few weeks, just to disentangle myself from so many financial and physical discomforts. The possibility of a weekend trip came up for this weekend; but on such short notice, that I had already made solid work plans and could not easily cancel them.

There's a part of me that would love to go back to Shoal Creek or even ASH, just to have the epitomal "three hots and a cot" of the hospital environment. I don't think jail would be so great, though. I also hesitate at this strange plan, because I don't want to feel like I'm trapped in a confinement type of situation.

Basically: "Stop the World! I want to get off!" is the sentiment.

I feel so exhausted by living in this first-world hustle that we live in.

19 Feb 2020

 Note: I'm going to talk about some physical health issues, below.

On Sunday night, I woke up, almost puking. I'm thinking it was acid reflex, where it felt like there was bile in my throat. I had such little sleep that I could not stay awake on Monday, if I sat still too long...

I'm not sure how connected the two conditions are... I'm reminded that my doctor thinks that I might have sleep apnea - where I stop breathing in my sleep. That, in turn, can be worsened by being overweight...

I do know that it's been a fairly long time since the last dream that I remembered... and that being so exhausted that my body tries to nod off has been a symptom for years, now. When I worked for the IRS for a month, a large part of my decision to quit was fueled by these episodes of falling asleep, if not kept active.

So, I'm worried that today might be a rough patch, as I again had several moments, last night (Tuesday night) where I woke up, feeling the bile coming up the back of my throat. (Hence, not much deep sleep)

I am afraid of dying by choking on my own food, to some degree. I would really like to invest in the sleep apnea investigation procedures, to see if that can turn around these sleeping problems.

*** edit: I also notice that I have allergy symptoms, usually concurrent with high cedar or mold counts. So, I'm not able to breathe well, due to those, too...

*** another edit: I also have a fairly pronounced addiction to caffeine. sigh.

Thank you for taking the time to read my vent. I'm hoping there may be many kittens and tasty meals in your immediate Facebook feed future....

18 Feb 2015

Y es, I think everyone should have access to quality education.

However, I don't think our current system has enough qualified educators to meet the demand. I also don't think students can afford to foot the bill, if we want to attract educators with good pay and good technology. So, part of me wonders, how are we going to pay our teachers?

Education is a field that I don't think meshes well with profit-driven capitalism.

Just thinking aloud... (It's possible a similar scenario could be in health care, and quality doctors)

1Caite Brooks

16 Feb 2020

 experiencing an anxiety like writer's block..?

that uncertainty about who the audience is, and what they would like to read...

it recalls university days, and being afraid to write a long paper analyzing Harlan Ellison's "Theme for English B" (which I might have just screwed up on the reference) [no, I am not currently crafting an elegant, well-researched document]

...analyzing the poem for an English professor in modern poetry.

but, here, now, this writer's block...

afraid, more and more with each post, to be vulnerable - to expose my fears and my uncertainties and my feelings... because I do not like to be torn apart by the wolves. Also, I do not consider how best to consider the comments - what is expected of me, in social media, in the pleasantries of the South...?

One careless slip of the tongue, and I'm licking my boots, again.

so, there's a part of me that just wants a silent audience... that wants to write, with the knowledge that this will be read; and the hope that the comments do not become attacks, (or perceived as attacks) on both sides of the conversation; because, I'm afraid of so many things

I'm afraid because I woke up an hour ago with a bad acid reflex, feeling the bile burning the back of my throat.

I'm afraid that our nation's politics do not "act in the interest of the greater good" (I don't want to be exploited)

Can I speak candidly about sex? I've seen people demonized around sex; so I sigh a long sigh, and (writer's block)

Is there still such a thing as discretion? Seeing some of the posts here, some of the ads on TV, some movies; and I wonder. Earlier, today, I wanted to comment how I feel that our current culture cultivates confrontation (thinking especially about reality TV and roasts?)

I do not claim to have a head full of answers. I know some interesting math facts, a little science, and not much else.

I would like to know more.... but I don't want to bury myself in books, just to be able to boast.

I'm afraid that I'm not enough. That my skill set, and my mental flaws, and my lack of physical training have created nothing more than a corporate drone, consigned to a life of minimum wage jobs, and stuck living in rented rooms.

That no lady would accept me as a viable partner, because I do not measure up to some societal standard(s) that she's carrying around with her. ....and, yes, I know, that I could date men, too; but my personal taste does not desire that.

I don't think my gender comes across as "alpha male".... not very dominant, and not very tied up in the stereotypes that get trotted out in the media. I start writing a list, and people shoot it down, but: "likes to watch sports, likes to work with his hands (cars, construction), has a short temper, ..." (who knows, maybe there's a list built by folks in gender studies about activities commonly associated to just men or just women)

I'm hoping the bile has settled enough now, that I can sleep. I know that I wrote another text wall, and I probably didn't say much that's interesting... but if you've read this far, thank you for taking the time to hear me out, as I babble at the computer...

16 Feb 2017

 This week, I've made some poor choices; and I'm not sure how easy it will be to repair the damage. I'm still sober, but I don't think I'm acting sanely.

I'm reaching a tipping point, where I have to ask, "Do I want to hold on to my old (mostly night) schedule built heavily on games? ....Or do I pursue a career where I don't feel comfortable with meeting the work expected of me?"

I'm rebelling, because I don't want to be stupid, boring, and glum - processing forms all day, 6 months out of the year. Yet, it's an opportunity to improve my finances, and to free up my fall.

I just don't want to give up my old lifestyle, in order to make sane schedules around my new career.

Oh, and I decided to back out of SXSW volunteering last night. I like doing it, but I don't like the amount of time it takes out of my schedule...

Val lament: 13 Feb 2015

 More than likely, no one will show me a token of their love and/or admiration on Valentine's Day. I base this on my past years' experiences, when nothing unusual happened on past Valentine's Days.

Part of that's because I don't go out of my way to observe the holiday, too...

I may not show it often enough, but I do love, respect, and admire most of my friends. So, thank you all, for being a part of my life, another traveller I can find comfort in, during what can sometimes be a very lonely journey.

High School Memories - 12 Feb 2009

 High School Memories.. (Tag-chain)

High School Questions

Share the facebook spam way - tag 25 people including the person who tagged you... ;P

1. Did you date someone from your school?

On graduation night, I started dating Jessi Parker, and the relationship lasted about a month. At the same time, I was contacted by Lori Villarreal, a lady in Tivoli, TX who remembered me from student council camp the summer before - we spent several months writing long letters back and forth to each other and actually met up a couple of years later at UIL State One-Act Play competition.
Now, I did have lots of fantasies all through high school, and middle school, and even elementary... You know - the cheerleaders, the ladies in my catechism class, some of the ladies who went to the math contests, Ms. Ackerman... :D

2. Did you marry someone from your high school?
I haven't married anyone yet. I've been lucky when my relationships lasted three months. I still haven't figured THAT one out.. :(

3. Did you car pool to school?
I'd catch rides in with Robert Russell who lived down the street from me. I would also bike on some days, and walk on some days (30 minute walk)...

4. What kind of car did you have?
Mongoose..? Diamondback..? Can't remember what type of bicycle it was... I did learn to drive a little in my dad's VW bug, but mostly in my step-mom's Oldsmobile...

5. What kind of car do you have now?
Capital Metro..? ..or some bike I don't know the brand of.
I actually kind of like not having a car, although it takes a bit more time planning.

6. It's Friday night...where are you? (then)
Maybe the football game. Most weekends, though, a group of us (the Keys, the Beans, the DeMasters, the Fosters, and I think Robert Russell) would get together and watch movies - most often, the movie was either Pink Floyd's "The Wall" or Monty Python's "The Search for the Holy Grail". There was some hard alcohol to be found every once in a while - one of the advantages of having a brother 5 years my elder.

7. It is Friday night...where are you? (now)
Probably at an AA Meeting, with possible get-togethers at a restaurant afterwords...

8. What kind of job did you have in high school?
working as unskilled labor for a house builder one summer (might have been middle school), at Wylie Supermarket another summer as a bagger, at The Wylie News another summer as a photographer/reporter (my second most favorite job of all time), and at McDonald's another summer - which I quit when they wouldn't let me have my birthday off.

9. What kind of job do you do now?
Well, I counted 12 jobs in the last year, many of them temporary in admin/clerical work. Currently, though, I am a Texas Works Advisor II for the Texas Health and Human Services Commission, which means I'll be trying to fix food stamp and Medicaid applications over the phone, once I get out of training.

10. Were you a party animal?
Noooo... not really... I got caught by my parents in 9th grade after a night out smoking pot (evil influences of my cousin) and run through after-school drug rehab classes, so I laid pretty low through the rest of high school - I could probably count the times I got drunk each year using only my hands. Now, once college came around.. ahem!
11. Were you considered a flirt?
Oh, gosh, no. I was (and still am, to a lesser degree) afraid of "creating friction", i.e. saying something that was taken inappropriately and losing a good friend - we did live in the era when sexual harassment at work found the national spotlight after all...

12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?
Choir in 9th grade, Drama throughout high school, in bit roles.

13. Were you a nerd?
Let's look at the facts - the school gave me 60+ plaques and the first letter jacket for high achievement in academic competition. I also graduated Salutatorian of the class. My parents also had no idea what to do with the 4 or 5 boxes of trophies picked up over the years from math and science competitions. OH - and I was the President of the Math and Science clubs at some point during high school... and Double OH - I was cast as the school nerd when we did "Grease" as the high school musical.
Nah, I wasn't a nerd, not at all.. ;P
By the way, the letter jacket presentation, the Salutatorian speech, the math/science trip where I got tied up to a seat in the back of the bus -- those were all quite memorable moments for me...

14. Did you get suspended or expelled?
no.

15. Can you sing the fight song?
I could probably sing it a fraction of a beat after everyone else, because I'd "remember" the words then...

16. Who was/were your favorite teacher(s) in high school ?
For challenging me to think about stuff - Natale and Wyskup. Natale's grammar lessons were a hoot, and I still remember a lot of the class discussions we had wondering if there's such a thing as unconditional love. Wyskup just had evil tests, and extensive outlines to follow.
For cool field trips and neat exotic animals - Hibbitts.
I liked the fact the Frank (Bruno) was so proactive about math competitions, but I don't remember his classes very well, as I tended to spend the time taking Number Sense tests.
Mrs. Truesdell was cool (I took choir from 7th thru 9th grade), and Mr. Muncy was cool (I saw him a few years later when he brought his new school to state One-Act), and Mrs. Austin was cool - I wonder if she remembers getting me to "pull it together" the hour before "The Boys Next Door"..?

17. Where did you sit during lunch?
I sat with band people the first couple of years, and I think I took advantage of off-campus lunch the last couple of years...

18. What was your school's full name?
Wylie Senior High School

19. When did you graduate?
1990... and boy did that wind blow my cap around. Also, it's kind of funny now, thinking about the torrential downpours following graduation where you couldn't see more than 2 inches past the windshield..

20.What was your school mascot?
Pirate

21. If you could go back and do it again, would you?
I'm fairly happy with my high school experience. I wish I had dated more, though...

22. Did you have fun at Prom?
I went stag to one of the two proms, and I want to say it was the Junior one that I helped on the planning committee with, so, yeah, it was fun seeing the final product of all that planning. I don't think I got any dances, though, and I know I didn't get any invites to after-parties, so that kind of blew chunks.
I also think it was the Junior prom, because I decided to opt out of a prom to go to UIL State the other year.

23. Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom with?
Oh yeah, all the time. Walking down the street, when I'm perplexed by something, or late at night, when I'm lying in bed trying to get sleep... Thankfully, I keep most of the conversations in my head, and I've never answered back... although I have thought about possible conversations with other people, and how they might respond to what I want to say...

24. Are you planning on going to your next reunion?
80% certain that I will go - just got to find transportation (recall the car questions)..

25. Do you still talk to people from school?
Only on facebook and myspace - oh wait, Tina Sampica (Chaffin) did call me once over the last year... I am absolutely HORRIBLE with staying in touch with people if they don't live next door to me.

10 Feb 2011

 On empathy and 'identification':

I am not a doctor. So, I must remember that, based on your external symptoms, I am not at liberty to diagnose your internal condition(s). So, I can not peg you as bipolar, or paranoid, or OCD, or alcoholic, or . . . even though your symptoms seem to be matching my own.

Damned if I don't try, though...

10 feb 2012

 The thought, dominant in my mind,

Blotting out all, besides its kind

Is of intense pain, centered in my right thigh -

It feels like stabbing needles...

I can not think, for too long, on poetic form

Before another jolt brings me back - to forewarn?

I can hear the clock ticks, ever marching on

I feel a neck itch, begging to be scratched...

It's all me, me, me, right now -

I'm so wrapped up in the aches and pains;

I'm only vaguely aware of talks in the Ukraine.

Yesterday, there was a brief glimmer, writing about the cat -

A forlorn desire, to write without wearing the Jody hat.

That's the challenge, really, you see

Not to write about me, me, me -

To create a world fantastic, or sci-fi, or other

With enough clarity to appeal to another...

Yet, hold the ring of truth,

Not just whimsies on the screen.

Writing about writing again - that's another fallback;

Like status updates that only say,

"I'm checking my Facebook feed, see!"

This poem started crippled,

With pain interfering at every turn,

And trying to follow forms of rhyme and meter,

And now, digressing on how to write...

Perhaps tomorrow,

The pain will be less,

The form - not so followed -

And the Scene laid before you all

Without the little devil constantly criticizing...

"36 questions you can use, to fall in love with anyone" - 10 Feb 2015

 What are "36 questions you can use, to fall in love with anyone":

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

4 Feb 2011

I have heard, "Still waters run deep."

...however, another part of me is beginning to wonder if "Still waters beget stagnation"...

...I suppose the crux of the difference is the presence or absence of a purpose in one's (e.g. "my") life.

4 Feb 2020

 I'm shaming myself with words like,

"You shouldn't be stressed out about this. The tasks before you are small potatoes. It's all just first world issues."

I'm trying to minimize - fuck, three tries to spell the word minimize and my mind casts up the spectre of alzheimer's.

I think I'm falling apart in old age, because I can't sustain the level of effort that I used to do, effortlessly.

So, I crave death because I fear a lot of future failures.

3 Feb 2017

 Let us be happy,

Let us be peaceful,

Let us be free from suffering,

Let us be full of loving kindness...

3 Feb 2018

 Years ago, I hit this point where I fully conceded to myself that dating is entirely in the control of the women I know. Basically, so many guys, myself included, have fucked dating up that I had no business attempting to go there, anymore. Besides, women have much, much more at risk with sex; so they should rightfully have complete control over how it proceeds, if at all.

I don't know if that makes sense to any of y'all, especially my fellow men. But, that's my two cents, for now...

1 Feb 2020 - post 2

 To jump on another trend, in social media:

Sure, I run dialogues in my head - more often not. Yes, I often mulling over words in my mind.

It does not happen at all times... well, excepting manic episodes... but it does help me think through ideas I’m contemplating.

I suspect it is a learned behavior, following from being an avid reader as a youth. I suspect this is just one plank of evidence for Gardner’s Multiple Intelligences Theories...

I do note that it is much rarer that I think musically or physically, as I’m not as practiced with those arts. Also, my math/science backgrounds can influence the tone and timbre of my thoughts...

1 Feb 2020

 I do want to lay blame out, like some sputtering flame thrower.

I see my mind, twisting up in strange trips. It's like I went into a back alley and got mugged by Greed, Envy, and the Green-eyed Monster... and the venomous tongue, whispering:

"Every time that YOU try to rally a group together, you're left alone at the party... nobody wants YOU... nobody values YOU..."

In my heart, I know it's repetitive, negative thoughts.... I know that I'm suffering from some myopia - but my poor heart gets so bullied around by my brain.

Chalk up another post under, "The sky is falling", or "the boy who cried wolf", if you will. Or, perhaps, "over-zealous attention hog"... Part of me wishes that I wouldn't try to predict how negatively you view me and my writings, that I wouldn't try to assign words and motives to your actions, or inactions.

Yet.... I do. Now, I have to untangle what's false from what's true. ...and I wish words were not wielded like such weapons, trying to cut through reality in the search for simple explanations.

I'm killing myself slowly with chaos and confusion. I'm dying by dealing in delusion.