9 May 2011

 

Jody Bean

lMatySSots e9,pcongls go2r011edae  · 

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It's when I start to see what makes you uniquely you that I begin to appreciate you as a fellow traveler...?

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  Jody Bean

  Sooo, I ask that you reconsider when you begin copying others, and embrace your quirks, foibles, flaws, and - most important of all - your hidden strengths and awesome perspective...

  (the celebrity copy cats sell themselves short?)

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  Jody Bean

  (An attempt at posting less about myself and turning more towards others, partly inspired by this morning's post from the Dalai Lama [sp?])

Grief or Amends? (7 May 2021)

 Am I trying to figure out how to overcome rejection,

How to win back angry friends,

...how to make amends...?

Or am I trying to process grief?

To let go of past relationships,

When one of us decided,

"We could no longer help each other?"

...and yet, I honestly believe that

"Everyone has value", and

"No one should be written off as unworthy of love";

But, I have finite time and resources - two hands, if you will

and I am saddened by standing outside the campfire

and I am reminded of our impermanence

and fading memories are little deaths

so much invested -

now? stories

Lost.

A year later... remembering Mom

 

I am grateful that I got along well with her. I am truly grateful that she could keep the holiday gatherings spell-bound with her various family stories. She and her sister even self-published a few books of their childhood stories.

Yesterday, I also remembered taking a call from my Mom, on New Year's Day, 2010, when she watched her sister die. It's suspected that my aunt had too many medications at the same time, to treat our family's history of heart disease, diabetes, and more.

When I think about the women in my family, I'm proud of their independence and I'm glad for their openness. I'm reminded that we're all human, and to respect each others' wisdom and intelligence.

Tangent: I'm also reminded of those two sisters at the foot of my bed, gently calling my name to bring me back to reality; when I put myself in the hospital with a Depakote overdose. After 3 weeks in a coma and dialysis, I came back to life hearing Mom's "Jody..." - while the TV played "The Simpsons" various Treehouse of Horrors - it was October and John Glenn was going back to space.

Remember to honor and appreciate mothers and fathers - they've done quite a lot to keep us safe and secure.

8 May 2019

 I am not fond of “Chicken Little posts”...

Granted, I can understand the cause(s) for alarm; but, usually the posts are at such a global scale that I feel like an insignificant gnat in being able to create change in the situation(s) of alarm.

It almost makes me suicidal out of escapist frustration - like, “I can’t change that, that’s horrible; so I contemplate ‘avoiding that at all costs’”.

So, my suggestion is that if you’re going to raise an alarm about issues outside of Our control, can you include some ideas on how we can affect the situation? If you can’t suggest solutions, then why are you increasing our collective fears?

If you think it’s a problem, are you offering any realistic solutions?

8 May 2020

 I've become rather depressed as the week has rolled out. Lots of nihilism, feelings of hopelessness and uselessness.... staying in bed much longer than I expected.

I'm tired of Groundhog Day. I'm beyond tired of social distancing.

...and I'm just irritated by the Doomsayers, at this point, and the general fuckery that seems to be the US government - at least, according to what I see in my news feed.

Sure, I could unplug. I've been thinking about unplugging. I don't think people would appreciate that, though. So, I just crawl into bed and sleep some more, hoping that whatever music that I can find will help soothe my troubled soul.

despondent defeat, yay.

7 May 2012

 So, when the super-intelligent cockroaches uncover our civilization, I wonder what their opinion of us will be?

Wait... I'm trying to build self-esteem from a future insect's opinion..?

Either I need to go to bed RIGHT NOW, or try my best to avoid what dreams may come tonight. 'Night, All!

ps: to everyone I interacted with this week: This weekend was tons of fun, and I thoroughly enjoyed the time I spent with all y'all.

Tomorrow: back to the job search, with follow-up calls...

7 May 2018

 “Exit, stage left...”

To pack 2 bags, and abandon everything else. Would the phone be a map, a computer to find resources?

Could I start over, or would I breakdown within an hour?

Without a destination, or money, it seems dangerously foolish. Yet, my present course is not much wiser, as the bills pile up, unpaid.

“Drowning, I can’t propel my head to break the water - and my visual field is narrowing to a pinpoint of light.”

(I want to get out of this crisis - yet my mind doesn’t process well, in the maelstrom.)

Fudge. Restlessness, itching, wanderlust.

2 May 2021

 I was going to say,

“Nobody texts, nobody calls, nobody cares...”

...but that’s distorting the truth,

As some people are texting and calling...

So, then I try to say,

“**Most** of The friends and family I’ve come to depend on,

Who I’d really like some emotional supports from ,

Now seem to be silent, or missing, or actively excluding themselves from my life...”

Is that a proper application of CBT? I don’t know...

Because I believe I’ve been excluded, I don’t want to try to reestablish contacts; because I believe I’m respecting their desires for space and privacy. Yet, one person even told me that silence is a form of anger - and it becomes my duty to try to repair the damage...

Yes, that could be one interpretation of an amends.

Yes, that could also be some cultural expectation promoted by the media, a la “Jerry maguire’s ‘you had me at hello’ and similar scenes.

To break another’s silence is not a magic cure-all for every situation. If I had been toxic to someone, it’s not right to push them back into the poison.

I shouldn’t even break the silence, because I’m feeling separation pains. Perhaps it is time to concede that some past associates have moved in to different paths, that the costs of maintaining a changed relationship far exceed the benefits....

Recovery tells me that I should reconnect, primarily to repair the harms done, in the past. Beyond that, each person has some say in if they want to trust and respect each other again.

—————

...and yet...

So much of my life is disintegrating around me. I do feel horribly alone. I see myself being leveled to ground zero, with an unending 24/7 cycle of no joys or pleasures.

I catch myself in these thoughts that, “the world would be better off without me; because nobody’s making the efforts to include me.”

—————

I’d like to get off this pity-pot; but I’m wary of how that would happen.

Different levels of relationships : 5 May 2013

 Still wondering where I sit on this inter-relationship spectrum (with the majority of people that i know):

Transformative...

Transactional...

Vampiric..?

To me, the distinctions have to do with the amount of expectations we have on what we give to, and what we take from another... Although that view seems really close to a transactional model, whereby "I will give you this and you will give me that" tends to be the majority of the actions.

I think that a transformative relationship would be one where one party is irrevocably changed or transformed (hopefully for the better) and so there is no way of "repaying" the action or gift that led to the change. I also think that the giving party expects no repayment. I want to say that a teacher-student relationship would be a good example of this...

Not entirely sure why this is in my head, but it is.

2 May 2009

 wants to sing, "O Freunde, nicht diese Töne! Sondern laßt uns angenehmere anstimmen, und freudenvollere. Freude! Freude! " (..and wishes he had known earlier that UT was performing this tonight.. *SIGH*)

1Sher Howl Green

2 May 2012

 Bizarre synchronicity, all within 1 minute time span:

1) Reading post by

Cody Green

that he's quitting smoking today

2) Housemate asks me for a cigarette

3) I head outside for a cigarette myself

4) As I pass the TV, it's showing a guy asking a co-worker, "Got a cigarette?"

2 May 2015

I'm disconcerted by disappearing friends, here in Facebook. I'm probably getting too spammy of late, and need to go on a Facebook fast...

2 May 2019

 it's 2 a.m. it would be wise to be asleep. i could spend this thursday, trying to be productive... trying to plan out how to untangle the messes in my life... taking ownership, I guess?

but, my strength has been waning, my faith has been fading - my passive pleas for attention go unanswered...

there were several points, today, scanning groceries at the store, where I slipped into a zombie mode - could not concentrate any more on the produce codes. i felt deflated, at the meeting before, like some sort of used balloon tossed into the waste bin (but we can not expect every person to get some attention!)

i do not know how much of that is my paranoia, and how much is real nervous breakdown.

i do not feel secure in my life. I do not talk much about it, but I do not feel secure in my country, or on this planet, even. my mind plays out horror films of eking out a meager existence in poverty, dealing with more and more pain... (at some point, my last bits of will will snap, and then...?)

I do not know if these witching hour diaries are therapeutic for me - I doubt it, and yet I do not attempt more direct contact, at this hour. I would like to respect your sleep.

I do not know if "being vulnerable" like this helps others to better appreciate me... especially if I snap at them, should they offer advice that I find questionable.

There's this crazy desire to be better understood, yet there's these defensive blocks against advice that seems out of reach - like, "Yeah, that might have worked for you, but I don't have the resources that you do"

....and.... "text wall"... spinning out in a shotgun blast, deflating the overall impact of the post (because it's not a 2-sentence meme that succintly and clearly captures all the troubles in my mind)

I have shut myself off, to operate in a vacuum; and slowly realize that I've lost my assistants.

Part of me thinks medical help could help defuse my frustrations; and yet another part wonders how to finance such care, with my mess of an insurance situation, right now.

If you want to post something, in reply, post "Belgium" - the hope is that it might give me a better sense of who actually reads these text walls. Then feel free to add whatever comments that you wish - just keep in mind that I might snap back my own replies.

1 May 2012

 When Bill W writes about going to the two extremes of dominating others or depending too much on them, I question if it applies to all...

I consider myself relatively independent of others... Some might say, "Lost in his own world..."

I'm going to visit Wikipedia now to look up Alpha Males, to see if it branches out into a broader theory - brb w/ the results...

1 May 2010

 It's hard to say what's on my mind, most times. I wonder if I really try to stay in the present moment, or if I'm just suppressing the hell out of worries about the past or future. Now, there are times when a dialogue will start up in my head, but who says that thoughts need have verbal representations? *perplexed*

1 May 2012

The challenge has always been finding people similar to myself.

In high school, I was really smart but not into sports, so I wound up with the "math geeks".

College was... College. I enjoyed my time on the Honors floor, and I also enjoyed my time in the student housing co-ops.

Then... Insanity. Drifting from community to community. A multitude of jobs, all a bit unsatisfying.

I seem to recall that my natal chart (that I found online) told me that I'd have lots of 'disconnected/unrelated' life events.

So, what Will tomorrow bring, and the march of years thereafter? Honestly..? I haven't a clue..

1 May 2018

 no idea. sleep disrupted by itching. is it hell, calling for my soul, twenty years after i should have died? have enough former loves passed on to the other side, calling now for me to join them?

is it time to shut off the simulation? two weeks ago, when Syria was being bombed to oblivion, I woke, in the early morning, thinking the sky had become an intricate, intense web of lightning... perhaps we were bombed back, by a belligerent Russia, and that parallel timeline now wallows in the dust and snow of a nuclear winter.

perhaps, when I swallowed all those pills, or when I bounced off two different windshields.... perhaps those near death experiences shift the simulation, shift the perspective, shift the timelines. madness, yes, fueled by media fiction...

but... am i not an agent of some god, cognizant enough to feed the hive mind random theories and threadbare connections? who am i to deny that something larger than i acts through me?

i'm afraid to attempt sleep again. i'm afraid to let time pass.

i do not like when my head keeps me awake, with all these nerves begging for attention. i do not like writing in a vacuum.

still, "tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow..." plod along into another day, and try to shed the false lives.....

(I can hear some, calling "nonsense!" at all this...)