6 Nov 2010

 Time just keeps ticking away...

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6 Nov 2012

 Aaaaaand....

Today marks two months nicotine-free, for me.

...now back to your Facebook flooded with politics..

5 Nov 2009

 is looking at the time, and thinking, "Dag Nab It! Not going to be well-rested in the morning... AGAIN!!"

5 Nov 2012

 I find myself pondering what I want to say, and where, and to whom...

...and my inner cynic quips, "How important is it, really?"

"How am I? ...fighting a weird funk..."

5 Nov 2012

 Freudian Slip..?

"Let's have a moment of suffering, followed by the Serenity Prayer..."

(Guess my Buddhist explorations snuck in there)

5 Nov 2013

 I have an addiction... Can you guess to what?

5 Nov 2015

Part of me wants to do "Endless Shrimp" today at Red Lobster.

Queue Forrest Gump references...

5 Nov 2016

 Once again, it feels like people aren't voting for their candidates, but rather, they're voting against the other candidates.

5 Nov 2017

 ou may think you’re fine, but people around you are losing their minds. Unfortunately, some of them will lash out at others with guns and knives and cars... whatever they can weaponize...

I don’t know if there’s a cure-all that can calm everyone back down, as I don’t know if we can share a common vision.

I do suspect a good first step is to stop looking at our things, and start talking WITH each other. Text streams do a poor job of consolation... dollar bills, even less so...

...and yet, we insulate ourselves from foreign views to our own. Remember: “Don’t talk to strangers!”

5 Nov 2020

 I still hate Facebook.

Yet, I don't want to "bother people" late at night...

Is Facebook the only social media? No. Yet, in my mind and through my actions, and its aggressive campaigns -- it ssems to far outpace other social media options.

But, gosh darn it! Why do I even crave using social media, in the first place? Maybe it's a dream channel of communication for a passive-aggressive person, like me.... You know: "I'll just leave this vent here, and go on my merry way..." (whistling as he walks away...)

Honestly? I do not want to talk a lot. I really want to listen.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO LISTEN THROUGH THE MEDIA FILTERS! (no books, no tv, no movies, no internet - just 2 or more people having a conversation - in REAL TIME...)

i keep ranting, I know. my moment of dusty silence didn't last too long, i guess.

because i'm soooo tired of electronics, I'll probably doodle on a piece of paper. Heck! I have colored pens! i might even doodle on myself - just not the face. I do have a public-facing position, see... Maybe I can write in the margins of a book, and fake a conversation, that way...

Nooo.. I really would rather just listen. I feel my creativity is stressed out; and I DEFINITELY want to give the verbal brain a bit of a night off. hmm. origami?

4 Nov 2010

 Now... time for the 5 minute contemplation before arriving at what I want to share with a world in 400 characters or less..

4 Nov 2010

It's easy to forget compassion when threatened or frightened, but it's the strongest tool we have for "disarming our minds"... (an idea kind of gleaned from current reading of "The Art of Happiness", and some personal experience)

4 Nov 2011

 I wonder if I've let myself sink into ignorance, especially regarding things political. One of the side effects from reducing media addiction / information anxiety.

However, I am aware of that lack of knowledge, and therefor refrain from voting in elections I know nothing about.

I also try not to state opinions that can't be grounded in researched facts and/or personal experience.

So, you won't see me talking about sports, as I don't try to follow them.

I regret, though, that I've let my science background stagnate, too.

4 Nov 2011

 Wonder if there's any small theatre groups doing auditions in the next month or two...?

Oh, yeah, guess I could check the Chronicle's Art pages.

4 Nov 2011

 Thinking I'll lie down for a minute, then swing by Jo's on S. Congress. After that? 1313, possible dinner with friends there..? Would like to get home to catch Film Score Focus and Classical Guitar Alive on 89.5 KMFA, and then I'm off to put up the grocery truck at 7-Eleven from Midnight to 4.

Somewhere in there I need to do a little "homework" - probably at Jo's or at home.

That's the next 12 hours planned.

Wonder what tweaks could be done, to integrate others into it? Phone calls? except my phone's gotten erratic, power-wise.

4 Nov 2012

 Thinking today will be:

- a shower

- the 8:30 meditation meeting

- Dharma Punx, Austin Zen Center at 11

- Buffet (sp?) followed by Game Day at Rockin' Tomato (S. Lamar) ~2ish

- ???

4 Nov 2012

 Do I want to process the world through language? ...or am I drawn to visuals?

I think it boils down to those patterns that are most familiar, that require the least assimilation... (?)

4 Nov 2016

 Toyed with applying for the Peace Corps today... I'm uncertain if I might get medically disqualified by the bipolar issues in my life.

4 Nov 2016

 I have to attempt sleep. Night all!

4 Nov 2016

 I think many have over-insulated themselves through social media, making it very difficult for dissenting opinions to be heard and taken seriously.

We're surrounding ourselves by our own personal groups of "Yes Men"

4 Nov 2018

 Thinking about my AA shares:

I want to dismiss my life experiences, calling them useless to alcoholics in the rooms.

I did not drink or use enough, as I came in only after one DWI, for the chronic addicts to believe that I understand their bottoms. I have not obtained enough material successes, for them to believe that I have a valid model of recovery.

So, I sit, muted and ignored... and it tears at my soul, feeling like I’m not accepted.

4 Nov 2020

 So, I tried to fall asleep around midnight, last night; after taking my regular nightly meds. I imagine, like many I know, i had some anxiety plaguing me... I thought I'd leave the music off, last night, and just listen to the night sounds, coming in through the open window.

Three times, through the night, I found myself awakening to the sound of my mother's voice, calling my name (originating inside my skull). Also, this was not my mother's voice, as I last remembered her; but rather, her voice from when I was 7 years old.

Mom died, in May 2020, after complications from diabetes.

3 Nov 2010

 I'm tired.

I can feel differing opinions clamoring in my head, seeking an outlet, mostly tied up in politics... but I think those are mostly vague, unverified theories, and would probably be best fleshed out via journaling first, and then tested with public evidence.

..but, right this minute, I'm tired, so I'm going to retire to a shower and sleep.

3 Nov 2010

 is bummed.

I thought the late deadline for ACC's Teaching Certification program was November 15th, but, when I checked today, it turned out to be November 1st.

What I get for pushing this application off, again and again.

Going to regroup, and visit UT tomorrow, to see if I can pick up where I left off, with them...

3 Nov 2011

 One of the tricks I picked up from Number Sense competitions is to conceptualize a product as a difference of 2 squares, i.e. 22*28= (25-3)*(25+3) = 25^2 - 3^2 = 625 - 9...

I just thought of a cute reversal, though. We could envision a squaring, as a product

plus another square... so, 25^2 = 22*28 + 3^2 = 616 + 9.

Thinking along that line, 6^8, then, is 1296^2 = 1292*1300 + 4^2.

So, is it easier to figure, in your head, 1296*1296 or 1292*1300?

I think the latter could be easier, as there's less digits to juggle.

3 Nov 2011

 Mind's a-whirl, today. Not entirely sure what the roots of it are, but I think, to quote, "Lack of power is my dilemna". Just this sense of impending doom that my life is spiraling out of my control... that few, if any, respect or appreciate what I say - as evidenced by the distinct silence when I'm speaking... that I'm only barely surviving and, by no means, thriving.

Yadda yadda yadda... self-pity's a bitch, and I dislike when I find myself slipping into it. All the more so when I complain about situations that I could - but don't - take positive action towards changing. blech.

3 Nov 2012

 Lately, I've been adding more likes to my page, in an attempt to add some variety to my news feed. Part of this effort is through exploring my friends' likes, to see if there's anything that catches my interest.

As an example, I point to adding George Takei, I fucking love science, and It's Not Easy Being Blue...

However, I haven't truly diversified, as I'm still operating from a context of "What do I really like?" instead of "How do I uncover multiple viewpoints, including those that I don't agree with?"

So, my news feed seems a little cluttered, with a lot of posts trying to "spread positive energy" or "promoting liberal policy and actions".

It's at times like these that I'm grateful for my more conservative and/or extremist friends, because they're posting stuff that I probably wouldn't have found, on my own efforts and resources.

3 Nov 2012

 I've been yawning all evening. I should go to sleep.

3 Nov 2013

 I have no idea how many times my Facebook interactions have metamorphosed over the years. It is clear, though, that it's starting to change again; as I grow weary of the political pages' posts and how they seem to be whining lately...

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2 Nov 2010

 Think it's time to revive my friend filters, so that I can more easily find those people I interact with in real life.. it can be rough balancing between 'facebook as a game platform' and 'facebook as a social forum'.

2 Nov 2016

 6 days left...

Then? Shenanigans, I think...

1 Nov 2011 : "Thinking about writing more notes"

There's a part of me that's itching to start writing notes again, balanced by another

part that just thinks they'll disappear into the internet, "gathering dust", never looked

at by anyone...

I'm writing this note, though, more to collect my thoughts, to tap into the power unlocked

by journaling/blogging that I've experienced in the past.  Granted, it's somewhat stream

of consciousness, with a dash of on-the-fly editing... so you may be witness to the

random sparks and slips my bipolar brain is prone to, pulling disparate ideas together

and attempting to make a coherent theory out of the mess.

I've wanted to bounce recovery-related shares into these notes, but I've balked, thinking,

"Oh, that would be breaking anonymity, as not all of my facebook friends, or friends of

friends are in recovery."  Sometimes, though, especially when I don't get to share on this

or that topic, I find myself assaulted by all the things I wanted to say as I walk back to

my house.  This may come back as a subset of any future notes...  Maybe walking the line

between anonymity and TMI would be share the general thoughts and theories I entertain,

while leaving the personal, i.e. incriminating, details reserved for conversations with

close friends.

I also wonder if a note could do justice, beyond the 450 character status updates, to those

topics I find interesting, which seem to dominate my solitary thoughts.  Or maybe they

could give a better picture of where, exactly, I'm at, on a topic.  Granted, I find it

hard at times to post even status updates, as I sometimes feel woefully ignorant of things

that other people are following.  Actually, more often than not, I'm paralyzed by self-pity,

as I'm not really living up to my potential, and I'm not too thrilled with the idea of

sharing negative thoughts in a status update, of "venting my frustrations", as it were...

As an example:  I go round and round about relationships, and how rarely I seem to be in them,

and I wonder how to broach the topic with the ladies I find attractive, and I also err

on the side of caution, thinking the context where we meet is not a neutral ground.  Lately,

I've noticed a definite lack of close female friends in my life, and I think that's

spinning me out of balance.  Then there's the wonder as to why I suppress my comments about

what I find attractive about this or that lady, and if that's causing me harm, even though

I think I'm trying to "operate within the modern rules of romance" - you know, like "treating

them as equals and human beings first, and minimizing the sexual innuendo, thinking 'it's not

appreciated'"...  

Yeah, that's a can of worms that just burrows through my brain.  I just think that I never

got the right script on how to get and keep a girlfriend.

You know, in some circles, we refer to that whining (about a person, place, thing, or ideal)

as a resentment.  This year, I've had another one revolving around my working conditions.

Both frustrations ("Romances and Finances") aren't being directly addressed, leading to lots

of distractions from my present moments...  I am thankful, though, that they haven't become

incessant 24/7 types of thoughts.

You know, it's probably just a nice example of a mid-life crisis.  I have these expectations

planted in my brain of where I should be, and I'm just frustrated that I'm so far away from

being there.  When I can get away from those expectations and just appreciate where I'm at,

I'm actually fairly content.  My basic needs are getting met, and I have some exposure to

time/money-spending alternatives that can be quite enjoyable.

Sooo... there's a part of me that just wants to start cranking out some notes here.  I like

to think that I have some audience that I can sound my ideas off of.  I'm not entirely sure

what all ideas I'll write about, as I don't want to be overly vague, but I also don't want

to get too specific and personal at the same time.  Granted, there's not much I'm ashamed

of, that I'd like to keep secret... but I do have a tendency to try to play to the crowd,

trying to preserve some of my "face", as it were - i.e. I don't want to say something

offensive or controversial, out of fear of losing an acquaintance over a trifle.

...and what I write should be of some interest to the audience.  I doubt talking about

differential equations in math would get much feedback, and feedback is a driving force for

writing a note instead of writing a journal.  I really when I say something, and all I get

is silence in response.

On the other hand, what I write should draw on personal experience and education. Just

going willy-nilly and talking about something I have no interest in, or no facts to support -

yeeeah.. that's just silly.  No need to express an opinion on topics I can't defend.  So,

you probably won't see me writing about sports or celebrities.

Now, the challenge is just to **regularly** write.  I'm tired of leaving the thoughts bouncing

around my head.  I welcome any and all comments on any and all notes I write, now, in the

future, or in the past.  Some times, we may disagree... but I've always been a firm believer

in "multiple viewpoints" or the catch-phrase "agreeing to disagree"...

I think I've cleared the charge on my brain tonight, though..  :)

1 Nov 2011

 hmmf. How much work do I want to put into customizing my Facebook? What's the ultimate goal?

I shy away from the idea of reviving it as a gaming platform, and I'm leaning towards using it as a catch-up for "local news of relevance".. so I might play with the lists feature, as I hear that can help "sift the treasures from the garbage"..

Then, there's a part of me (see my note last night) that's toying with the idea of a bare bones blogging base... and I like staying in the loop on others' events.

All I know is I'm concerned about sitting for hours in front of the computer, winding up wasting my time. The net joy received is fleeting and unfulfilling.

1 Nov 2012

 Facebook seems to be acting bizarre, today. Keep getting pop-ups about non-secure items, and... now, while reading the news feed on the most recent sort, it'll pop back to the top (in the last minute) when I ask for older posts...

any suggestions out there?

1 Nov 2012

 On a different note, I've been toying with paring down my friends and interests list - partly to get a slightly more manageable news feed, but also to cleanse myself of some people who seem very toxic or negative.

(...or just plain "foreign" - "Where do I know ___ from, in RL, again...?")

However, there's a competing view in my brain, that says "Suffer the fools, for you never know the day when you may need them, or they may need you."

Hmmf. This post seems a little harsh, now that I think about it...

1 Nov 2012

 ...aaaaand...

It's now All Soul's Day.

May your day bring back the good memories of those close to you who have died...

1 Nov 2012

 I'm pleasantly surprised, as I think I've stumbled on a method to get iTunes to play an album, in correct song order..

Currently on "She's So Heavy" from The Beatles' Abbey Road - oh, I'm giddy at the chance to hear the B Side once again, with its' segue ways and all...

1 November 2015

 Frigging oil monsters, just trying to bulldoze their way through good natural land in search of profits they don't need...

1 November 2016

 I ate, so now I feel awake. Aaiiigh.

1 November 2017

 My mind is a mess, and I don’t know if I’d make much sense...

but I would really like to talk with somebody else right now. Almost willing to say anybody else...

My predictor is thinking some of you will say, “Go to a meeting!” Thinking about that, this evening (most likely Refuge Recovery)

There’s a thought, “Go to confession!” Not sure on that one, as I’ve been away from Church so long...

(Maybe I could use a birthday coupon? Is there free time in our schedules - part of my consternation...)

———————-

Either I quit, or I got fired... still, I’m no longer at Randall’s. I’m really beating up on myself for adding to the chain of lost jobs, lost due to my absenteeism...

My depression’s been flaring up - parts situational, seasonal, and clinical. I saw my psychiatrist on Monday to get my meds. I still don’t have a good therapy solution.

The low security resulting from my poor life choices is creating great anxiety in my mind. It would be nice if I could “chin up” and “pull myself up by my bootstraps” to power forward and succeed; I just don’t think I have the stamina and perseverance for that, any more. (The suicidal ideations keep circling around me like buzzards, whispering, “you are a failure and you need to quit being a burden”)

As the setbacks pile up, I feel I’m drowning in a turbulent stormy sea, and I want the current to drag me under, Thinking tranquility lies in the deep abyss. “Become a rebel, an outlaw...” “run away to a monastery” “overdose, again?” “Jump in front of that bus” “stop trying to fit in to corporate America...”

A maelstrom circling around, a hopelessness that cards are getting stacked against me ready to slice me to ribbons as they get dealt out in an oubliette tableau (?)... a hopelessness that I have been pushed into the working poor and there’s nothing I can do to change that for myself or millions of others... a hopelessness.

I sit here, at a buffet, thinking that will keep me fed and nourished for 24 hours - and halfway through the meal, I started writing this, hoping beyond hope that I am not as alone as I think I am.

I lost another job today,

But it wasn’t keeping me afloat, anyway...

Living life - there’s got be a better way;

Yet, beat down again,

My energy’s long faded away.

I still want to talk with somebody else.

1 November 2017

 So, there’s this picture of success we’re fed:

I graduate high school, go on to college, and earn one or more degrees in field(s) I’m relatively interested in. Upon graduating college, I move on to a career in those field(s) that I can work in until retirement, with a hefty retirement package waiting in my golden years.

Along the way, I met a partner, who is The One for me. We settle down and raise a functional family together, in a loving and supportive community.

We have a nice house, nice cars, nice kids, nice neighbors...

———-

So vanilla it makes me want to puke, and it does not, at all, compare to the lives of struggling people that I see in myself, and around me...

why is it being promoted, then?

1 November 2017

 Earlier today (around 3:30 p.m.), a woman got on the #3 SB bus, at the Sunrise Community Church stop, growling like a tiger. The bus driver asked her to quiet down, at which point she claimed to be possessed by the devil. So, the driver firmly but calmly told her to exit the bus, which she did so with a little grumbling.

I glanced at another passenger, and we exchanged expressions. Some passengers at the front commented how “She forgot it’s no longer Halloween.

However, I have to remember, “I could have easily been that person” and I recall the fall of ‘98 to spring of ‘99...

1 November 2018

 I have been “shutting down”, since Sunday...

All the usual suspects: allergies, financial instability, lack of social contact, poor job performance(?),...

I can’t explain how or why I got to this dark place, or see a path to serenity - the fears are a choking cloud, making my mind dark and murky.

Last night, thoughts of self-harm and suicide plagued me, keeping me from a restful sleep. Today’s maybe a smidge better, but so many activities have already been discarded.

I’m tired of the constant hustle and struggle. I’m tired of living in unfulfilled wants and needs.

I’m tired.

31 Oct 2009

 is dressed as The Invisible Man tonight... "If you don't see me, then I guess my costume worked.."