Events unfold, and I, an innocent child, watch in wonder...
Not afraid of the downpours, lightning and thunder.
Until the sharp, sudden pain
Stabbing again and again,
Unravelling I, quite insane.
Is there some lesson there? Some attempts to be clever, to rhyme, to unwind?
As the piano crashes through the bass register,
And the drum cymbals clash and clang,
And the sounds stomp around my brain:
Left ear, Right ear, Stereo...
Perhaps all just experimental noise,
Challenging our notions of what songs need be,
Or creating some symphonic story.
Screeches and screams pulled from guitars
And then silence, and possibly bowing of violins.
I rather enjoy Ummagumma,
Especially with headphones on -
One of my favorite effects songs from the Floyd,
Planted there as a teen,
Listening to my brother's stereo:
"Several Species of Small Furry Animals
Gathered Together in a Cave,
Grooving With a Pict"
Is the stage set yet?
I want to be innocence,
I do not like pain -
However, some pains are hidden
By their slow onset,
Endured way past the boundary of pleasure;
Remember that suffering comes from attachment and desire -
That our aversions and attractions both
Make life uneasy and difficult...
I do not want elation;
I want serenity and peace -
To feel neutral towards all,
And unbiased in my observations,
Uncolored by incomplete judgements.
"Granchester Meadow" now plays,
Gently soothing, like some folk song.
I do not know if the vocals
Are really innocent,
or are they hiding some unknown protests?
The bird song plays out,
Yet I think it may be showing off
Subtle guitar and synth tricks...
After writing all of the above,
I wonder if I've written anything to love?
Or am I a blathering village idiot,
Devoid of wise insight
Because I have avoided pains,
Sharp sudden and stabbing,
Or long, drawn-out, slowly dawning...?
And the fly gets smacked!
Queue the small furry animals!
Chipmunks beating out a crazy rhythm,
Chirping and chattering and
"Hum-bah-ha-whee!!"
A Pause While I recollect
Fond memories of starfleet battles across the hall,
As my brother's reconfigured SR-71 Blackbird,
With hidden hanger bay and moving cannons
Stands as a testament to his remodeling skills...
Ah, the chipmunk trumpets begin,
The Pict is eminent....
Echoed by a squirrel -
That I think is his incoherent speech
Sped up on a doubling loop...
"Ironic Plaaaaague!!!"
"And the Wind Cried Mary."
Have you read all the way to this part, now?
I've been mostly trying to describe an album to you,
Occassionally sneaking in references to other sides of life, too...
I do not know if I've done either justice.
I'm awake.
...and I crave.
Some easy conversation, yes...
Some connection to greater whole...
Shared experiences of lives before Facebook.
...or maybe I'm just throwing words out,
Cranking the poetic wheel, hoping beyond hope that
When the dust settles, truths will remain here, still.
29 September 2016
28 September 2016
writer's block
Hearing the drum roll as Brubek's "Take Five" album begins, I feel stumped again. Not sure what I want to write about. Having posted Hughes' "Theme for English B" earlier; I am reminded there's a bit of me in what I write, and - some times - a piece of you that I'm trying to appeal to...
just like fumbled, mumbled conversations, without a focus or topic. Ah! Small Talk! "How much of our lives is just idle conversation?" If there's to be no rules, need I try to impose rules to guide my brain, to put up some walls in my not-so-little fort...
Will I let myself be naked? ..vulnerable?
Or do I avoid topics, to prevent getting hurt?
...and what happens when a braver soul than I chooses to go there? Do I take the bait, or offer, instead, awkward silence?
Small talk can be neutral. Or it can swing it's barbed whips at a third party not present. Perhaps this is why celebrity gossip is so prevalent, as it could allow us to talk about our own struggles, through the lens of the public eye.
If I have NO interest or experience, I might give you a blank stare. Then again, if your enthusiasm, disgust, or other emotions are laced through your talk, I might emathize, and embrace your emotions as my own, and - tutor hat comes on - I might milk you for all I can about the topic, as the first steps towards building common knowledge and experience.
Examples?
Sex seems touchy... excuse te pun... Really, if it's even slightly deviant from some mythical gold standard of normal sex, my mind wants to steer away from the topic (especially if I have experience in those deviations) ...there needs to be a level of trust, that I won't be mocked; and, yet, triggers be damned! I might well need to be knocked or admonished, if some harm is part of those twists and turns. Of course, I don't want to get into specifics and details, because I do not trust the Facebook audience yet...
Feeling woefully ignorant abot politics and national news items. Feeling afraid to debate them online, or even in person; because I might show myself to be uninformed. Or, maybe I don't want to invest energy in informing others, in stemming perceived ignorance - because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings.
Gods be damned, though! We may be digging our own graves by passively allowing injustice to propogate, by turning a blind eye because we don't want to face the savagery of our fellows, or ourselves!
Like, letting business have lax regulation, leading to poisoned water supplies and earthquakes in new places and global warming cooking us in our filth....
My laundry alarm has gone off. I must away to get it put away.
(Perhaps more soon...)
just like fumbled, mumbled conversations, without a focus or topic. Ah! Small Talk! "How much of our lives is just idle conversation?" If there's to be no rules, need I try to impose rules to guide my brain, to put up some walls in my not-so-little fort...
Will I let myself be naked? ..vulnerable?
Or do I avoid topics, to prevent getting hurt?
...and what happens when a braver soul than I chooses to go there? Do I take the bait, or offer, instead, awkward silence?
Small talk can be neutral. Or it can swing it's barbed whips at a third party not present. Perhaps this is why celebrity gossip is so prevalent, as it could allow us to talk about our own struggles, through the lens of the public eye.
If I have NO interest or experience, I might give you a blank stare. Then again, if your enthusiasm, disgust, or other emotions are laced through your talk, I might emathize, and embrace your emotions as my own, and - tutor hat comes on - I might milk you for all I can about the topic, as the first steps towards building common knowledge and experience.
Examples?
Sex seems touchy... excuse te pun... Really, if it's even slightly deviant from some mythical gold standard of normal sex, my mind wants to steer away from the topic (especially if I have experience in those deviations) ...there needs to be a level of trust, that I won't be mocked; and, yet, triggers be damned! I might well need to be knocked or admonished, if some harm is part of those twists and turns. Of course, I don't want to get into specifics and details, because I do not trust the Facebook audience yet...
Feeling woefully ignorant abot politics and national news items. Feeling afraid to debate them online, or even in person; because I might show myself to be uninformed. Or, maybe I don't want to invest energy in informing others, in stemming perceived ignorance - because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings.
Gods be damned, though! We may be digging our own graves by passively allowing injustice to propogate, by turning a blind eye because we don't want to face the savagery of our fellows, or ourselves!
Like, letting business have lax regulation, leading to poisoned water supplies and earthquakes in new places and global warming cooking us in our filth....
My laundry alarm has gone off. I must away to get it put away.
(Perhaps more soon...)
27 September 2016
lamenting the wastes of time...
what is important? ..necessary? ..kind?
There's a mountain of mail, I shoul hop in the shower soon, my physical therapy exercises gather dust - neglected.
I'm engaged in email exchanges; although I worry that chemistry will be my downfall, once again. that, or the stinging bite of poverty.
Looking for topics of conversation, when I don't keep up with news, or hobbies, or learning, or reading.
Stripped down to a naked guru, perhaps - is he really at peace in seclusion on the mountaintop? Or just become a wild animal, struggling to survive, stay fed and sheltered?
Crushing weight of a thousand paper cuts, deafened by collectors calling.
current music, if anyone's keeping track: "The Book of Eli" original soundtrack. First song first found on Spotify, then album amd artist recommended by a customer.
Fear grips me, when I speak, that I am no longer well-informed. No book smarts, no street smarts...
I keep hitting snooze when the alarms go off. I do not want to come back through the gates of horn and ivory - apathy here, not sure if that's the correct image Gaiman used for the entrance to Dreamlands but I don't want to fact-check it.
Why check facts when fantasy is so appealing? Why face the tedium of this modern life - so little satisfaction remains? Why wake, when I can wish?
Part of me wants to escape, to follow the call of the peace call, to just say "Fuck it All!!" and get out of the country, quickly. Part of me throws up his hands at the bill collectors and renewals and wishes for a sweet, hand-written letter from ladies I used to correspond with. Part of me grows bitter as the loves grow old, and they carve that pound of flesh from my still beating breast with knives or ice barbed with dead roses' thorns.
ok, maybe a little melodramatic, there. :)
Now, i chuckle... ah, irish proverb: "Nothing that a long nap, a good laugh, and a full meal can't fix" is probably misquoted but still holds some simple truths. My humor can be dark and twisted or light-hearted, we never know which wolf it may be feeding...
What is important? ..necessary? ..kind?
What am I doing with my life, and what can I be doing instead? Do I start the chase for another career, when time is so short? What am I not doing that needs to be done? How is my maintenance breaking down? How is my growth stunted? How are my true hobbies neglected? What can I do with this mountain of writing that I'm accumulating?
You see, money is easy to budget, if you're willing to sacrifice or struggle. Time, though, is a precious commodity, easily wasted and never regained. How many years have built up, with nothing of value retained?
Eh. time to shower. "All these memories lost, like tear drops in the rain..."
There's a mountain of mail, I shoul hop in the shower soon, my physical therapy exercises gather dust - neglected.
I'm engaged in email exchanges; although I worry that chemistry will be my downfall, once again. that, or the stinging bite of poverty.
Looking for topics of conversation, when I don't keep up with news, or hobbies, or learning, or reading.
Stripped down to a naked guru, perhaps - is he really at peace in seclusion on the mountaintop? Or just become a wild animal, struggling to survive, stay fed and sheltered?
Crushing weight of a thousand paper cuts, deafened by collectors calling.
current music, if anyone's keeping track: "The Book of Eli" original soundtrack. First song first found on Spotify, then album amd artist recommended by a customer.
Fear grips me, when I speak, that I am no longer well-informed. No book smarts, no street smarts...
I keep hitting snooze when the alarms go off. I do not want to come back through the gates of horn and ivory - apathy here, not sure if that's the correct image Gaiman used for the entrance to Dreamlands but I don't want to fact-check it.
Why check facts when fantasy is so appealing? Why face the tedium of this modern life - so little satisfaction remains? Why wake, when I can wish?
Part of me wants to escape, to follow the call of the peace call, to just say "Fuck it All!!" and get out of the country, quickly. Part of me throws up his hands at the bill collectors and renewals and wishes for a sweet, hand-written letter from ladies I used to correspond with. Part of me grows bitter as the loves grow old, and they carve that pound of flesh from my still beating breast with knives or ice barbed with dead roses' thorns.
ok, maybe a little melodramatic, there. :)
Now, i chuckle... ah, irish proverb: "Nothing that a long nap, a good laugh, and a full meal can't fix" is probably misquoted but still holds some simple truths. My humor can be dark and twisted or light-hearted, we never know which wolf it may be feeding...
What is important? ..necessary? ..kind?
What am I doing with my life, and what can I be doing instead? Do I start the chase for another career, when time is so short? What am I not doing that needs to be done? How is my maintenance breaking down? How is my growth stunted? How are my true hobbies neglected? What can I do with this mountain of writing that I'm accumulating?
You see, money is easy to budget, if you're willing to sacrifice or struggle. Time, though, is a precious commodity, easily wasted and never regained. How many years have built up, with nothing of value retained?
Eh. time to shower. "All these memories lost, like tear drops in the rain..."
26 September 2016
This is me, writing while "The Fellowship of the Ring" soundtrack plays on my headphones...
From an epic battle, to an elven sanctuary, I wonder what fires I need to put out, and then I'm reminded of that song from "The Hobbit", too... dwarves chanting about long-forgotten gold, in a key I can sing in.
Like Leonard Cohen and possibly Pink Floyd - melody in the bass line?
I watched "The Empire Strikes Back" two days ago, and I got a little teary-eyed in places... like Yoda feeling frustrated that Luke can not get his ship out.
Yes, I have a geek streak. I like sci-fi and fantasy, books and movies and music. I like fantastic places that I doubt I'll ever be able to visit in real life. Super-powers? Not so much...
I've hoped, at times, to be able to call the lightning from the sky to zap an annoyance. I've wanted to be able to teleport, to just "get there" already. Oh, and I guess telekinesis and telepathy would be grand traits, too.
Maybe, I'm not so much against the super-powers, as I am against all the fighting in the comics? I'd rather have complex stories with character development, than "Biff! Bam! Pow!" I also want those grayscales between the black and white painting of good and evil.... because the world is gray, more often than not.
Who's to say that life is a series of challenges and set-backs? Sure, cancer survivors give us hope, and landing a career that uses your college education is a good next step.. Yet, life is so much more than I, protagonist, making an uphill climb through the muck of society and the next achievements I strive for. My experience tells me it's so much more like that tangled knot I've seen than the steady uphill climb. I've definitely been distracted by chasing after frayed strings.
Is this where I chime in again, "I never wanted to be voted 'Most Likely to Succeed'!" The cliche clings to me still, that I have been abyssmally failing at life.... that my spoon supply is disintegrating, never to be replenished in the morning. There's the frustration from the dark recesses of my mind, egging me on, telling me to jump
And I spot that self-pity, and I look at those false expectations, and I sigh. I know that parts of my mind turn my critical eye inward. Some times, I need the stick instead of the carrot, to push me out of ennui.
A month into this new job, and I'm already chomping at the bit to get a new job. It would be wise to imagine the job ideal, kind of like the sex ideal - to ask myself, realistically, what are the minimum job requirements for me to thrive instead of just survive. What's a career I'd feel happy retiring in?
Perhaps this is my ongoing challenge gauntlet... to be useful for society, while growing and profiting at the same time.
Now, a nap, to recharge slightly..
Like Leonard Cohen and possibly Pink Floyd - melody in the bass line?
I watched "The Empire Strikes Back" two days ago, and I got a little teary-eyed in places... like Yoda feeling frustrated that Luke can not get his ship out.
Yes, I have a geek streak. I like sci-fi and fantasy, books and movies and music. I like fantastic places that I doubt I'll ever be able to visit in real life. Super-powers? Not so much...
I've hoped, at times, to be able to call the lightning from the sky to zap an annoyance. I've wanted to be able to teleport, to just "get there" already. Oh, and I guess telekinesis and telepathy would be grand traits, too.
Maybe, I'm not so much against the super-powers, as I am against all the fighting in the comics? I'd rather have complex stories with character development, than "Biff! Bam! Pow!" I also want those grayscales between the black and white painting of good and evil.... because the world is gray, more often than not.
Who's to say that life is a series of challenges and set-backs? Sure, cancer survivors give us hope, and landing a career that uses your college education is a good next step.. Yet, life is so much more than I, protagonist, making an uphill climb through the muck of society and the next achievements I strive for. My experience tells me it's so much more like that tangled knot I've seen than the steady uphill climb. I've definitely been distracted by chasing after frayed strings.
Is this where I chime in again, "I never wanted to be voted 'Most Likely to Succeed'!" The cliche clings to me still, that I have been abyssmally failing at life.... that my spoon supply is disintegrating, never to be replenished in the morning. There's the frustration from the dark recesses of my mind, egging me on, telling me to jump
And I spot that self-pity, and I look at those false expectations, and I sigh. I know that parts of my mind turn my critical eye inward. Some times, I need the stick instead of the carrot, to push me out of ennui.
A month into this new job, and I'm already chomping at the bit to get a new job. It would be wise to imagine the job ideal, kind of like the sex ideal - to ask myself, realistically, what are the minimum job requirements for me to thrive instead of just survive. What's a career I'd feel happy retiring in?
Perhaps this is my ongoing challenge gauntlet... to be useful for society, while growing and profiting at the same time.
Now, a nap, to recharge slightly..
23 September 2016
Friday morning meditation stream
Focus: positive thoughts, positive intentions... gratitude... let go of fear.
How would a man of faith act in this (or that) situation?
(enjoying the Danny Elfman radio station on Spotify - current song: Ice Dance from Edward Scissorhands)
I was running late, then we decided to reschedule, now I have an hour to meditate
I think to look at kaleidoscopic art, to revel in the complex patterns they weave. I post to Facebook (queue Batman soundtrack, Danny) I catch a post reminding me that if I go to sleep in gratitude, I wake up refreshed and in gratitude...
now, the ten minute timer is set, because time is valuable?
an excellent reply to yesterday's frustrations streaming - reminding me to give the fear to God, and my career, and everything, really. Not to belittle, not to get frustrated... just focus and move forward. Grateful for all of my friends, and even for the difficult people -
phone call just now from student loan forgiveness programs: "Income-based? Or, you're doing fine!"
- (Danny, queue Lord of the Rings) some times, I think a little on the grandiose and epic side, yep...
what plans for the day? physical therapy is on the horizon, although i wonder if it is being foiled by my forgetfulness. just not making time to stretch, and i feel ok. yes, i don't have excellent freedom of motion... do i cut it off yet? talked with the lawyer this morning. some fear around accepting a settlement and then hidden injuries cropping up after that... also, not too sure what type of settlement is in the works. if it recovers co-pays, that would be fine, I guess.
today is the one day of the week that I devote to 7-Eleven. conflicted about loyalties versus low pay. they've been there when i had no job... i suspect i still need them to shore up the part-time income from the other jobs. i see tutees coming out of the woodwork, and I think, "Can I get tutoring rolling, too?" it's such a satisfying pursuit for my math mind...
alas, the ten minute timer is up. Do I spend an hour in meditation, because I don't think I can spend 20 minutes? Or do I break away from the computer, to make my way to my appointment, to begin my day, to contemplate my walking world while Danny and others play their lovely songs?
Yes. break away, and with the world, engage.
How would a man of faith act in this (or that) situation?
(enjoying the Danny Elfman radio station on Spotify - current song: Ice Dance from Edward Scissorhands)
I was running late, then we decided to reschedule, now I have an hour to meditate
I think to look at kaleidoscopic art, to revel in the complex patterns they weave. I post to Facebook (queue Batman soundtrack, Danny) I catch a post reminding me that if I go to sleep in gratitude, I wake up refreshed and in gratitude...
now, the ten minute timer is set, because time is valuable?
an excellent reply to yesterday's frustrations streaming - reminding me to give the fear to God, and my career, and everything, really. Not to belittle, not to get frustrated... just focus and move forward. Grateful for all of my friends, and even for the difficult people -
phone call just now from student loan forgiveness programs: "Income-based? Or, you're doing fine!"
- (Danny, queue Lord of the Rings) some times, I think a little on the grandiose and epic side, yep...
what plans for the day? physical therapy is on the horizon, although i wonder if it is being foiled by my forgetfulness. just not making time to stretch, and i feel ok. yes, i don't have excellent freedom of motion... do i cut it off yet? talked with the lawyer this morning. some fear around accepting a settlement and then hidden injuries cropping up after that... also, not too sure what type of settlement is in the works. if it recovers co-pays, that would be fine, I guess.
today is the one day of the week that I devote to 7-Eleven. conflicted about loyalties versus low pay. they've been there when i had no job... i suspect i still need them to shore up the part-time income from the other jobs. i see tutees coming out of the woodwork, and I think, "Can I get tutoring rolling, too?" it's such a satisfying pursuit for my math mind...
alas, the ten minute timer is up. Do I spend an hour in meditation, because I don't think I can spend 20 minutes? Or do I break away from the computer, to make my way to my appointment, to begin my day, to contemplate my walking world while Danny and others play their lovely songs?
Yes. break away, and with the world, engage.
Late night Thursday stream...
Promises piling up...
What to write, who, and when?
The schedule is a nightmare -
Budgeting money with a shoestring income
Seems to hold much less complexity
Then dividing up Time's inexorable march
Between work, play, love, sleep, exercise, eating
And all those clamors for my attention.
Some have said,
"We make time for those who are important!"
I retort,
"Time slips through our fingers,
Like grains of sand, Lost in the stream -
And what you take for ignoring
May just be a casualty,
As my life is falling apart at the seams."
Would I rise up in revolt,
Come this November?
Would you?
All the wealth concentrating at the top,
Makes me sick to my stomach,
Beats me down,
Like a nail pounded into the wood -
My little service jobs
May ease along many to their relaxing beer;
Yet my formerly iron will
Has tuned to a crumbling rust,
And the pieces that I join
Are in danger
Of separation,
Unable to stand together,
Flush with each other.
What to write, who, and when?
The schedule is a nightmare -
Budgeting money with a shoestring income
Seems to hold much less complexity
Then dividing up Time's inexorable march
Between work, play, love, sleep, exercise, eating
And all those clamors for my attention.
Some have said,
"We make time for those who are important!"
I retort,
"Time slips through our fingers,
Like grains of sand, Lost in the stream -
And what you take for ignoring
May just be a casualty,
As my life is falling apart at the seams."
Would I rise up in revolt,
Come this November?
Would you?
All the wealth concentrating at the top,
Makes me sick to my stomach,
Beats me down,
Like a nail pounded into the wood -
My little service jobs
May ease along many to their relaxing beer;
Yet my formerly iron will
Has tuned to a crumbling rust,
And the pieces that I join
Are in danger
Of separation,
Unable to stand together,
Flush with each other.
21 September 2016
Attempted meditation stream, 21 September
Thus begins the stream. 15 minutes of writing, with few to no stops, hoping to clear away dust on my brain, and maybe uncover some buried gems?
Had a hard time getting out of bed, this morning.. kept snoozing for 3 hours. Got me worried about getting my laundry done. Still, I got it started...
Headed off to tutor a friend, and had to resurrect my tutor's hat - lots of questions for the student, in the hope that they can construct a method for attacking the problems. there's a trade-off between being a "guide on the side" or a "sage on the stage". With the first, I can get very frustrated, but it's much harder to gauge where the student is at, with the second.
Hoping for the a-ha moment, tutoring, when some method clicks into the place, and seeing the student's confidence blossom as they begin to work the problems independently. Their method may not be exactly like my method, but I must be careful on passing judgements as to which works better...
all in all, i think the tutoring went well. i saw some progress, and that's always good.
found out that my second student of the day has been home sick this week, so they had to cancel. Some relief there, as I still have not got a great idea of tackling what sounds like their math anxiety. certainly, their math frustrations. This was good, though, as it gave me a chance to finish my laundry... my sheets were in desperate need of washing, stinking like they did of sweat and dirt...
Changed the washer/dryer loads, and went to eat at Buffet Palace. May have been spending money that could have been spent elsewhere, but i've feeling nutritionally deprived by my meals of late. I was craving veggies, but i ate sushi and fried foods instead. *sigh*
got home, and found that I had overloaded the dryer. Took out the clothes that did get dry, and restarted the cycle. Proceeded to hop on the laptop and crank out answers to 41 surface-probing questions. a little fun - been a bit since i've done one of those chain icebreaker posts.
then i went to an AA meeting, and chatted with an old AA friend. I had also been chatting with another friend before the meeting, while answering those questions. got home, and chatted with house mates. some level of connection felt in all that...
I did not have to work my regular jobs today, which was a welcome relief. I have been working at one or the other of the two, every day, since Monday, August 29. Ironically, that was my birthday. Unfortunately, the shifts have still been short, and I've been too exhausted to prepare my own food, so I've been eating out at the cheap Mexican restaurant, Arranda's, quite a bit. I'm making some headway on my back rent, but not quite as fast as I'd like. ...and a past due credit card has been calling me, incessantly. It even interrupted that first student's tutoring session today.
Yes, I would like a job that pays more than $10 per hour, and has a flexible schedule. I imagine I could make ends meet at $20 per hour, 24 hours per week... It would be very nice to keep my board gaming alive and well, and maybe some role-playing games, too...
I told myself, write for 15 minutes, but the timer went off, two paragraphs ago. So, I will stop now, and see what happens when I publish this...
Had a hard time getting out of bed, this morning.. kept snoozing for 3 hours. Got me worried about getting my laundry done. Still, I got it started...
Headed off to tutor a friend, and had to resurrect my tutor's hat - lots of questions for the student, in the hope that they can construct a method for attacking the problems. there's a trade-off between being a "guide on the side" or a "sage on the stage". With the first, I can get very frustrated, but it's much harder to gauge where the student is at, with the second.
Hoping for the a-ha moment, tutoring, when some method clicks into the place, and seeing the student's confidence blossom as they begin to work the problems independently. Their method may not be exactly like my method, but I must be careful on passing judgements as to which works better...
all in all, i think the tutoring went well. i saw some progress, and that's always good.
found out that my second student of the day has been home sick this week, so they had to cancel. Some relief there, as I still have not got a great idea of tackling what sounds like their math anxiety. certainly, their math frustrations. This was good, though, as it gave me a chance to finish my laundry... my sheets were in desperate need of washing, stinking like they did of sweat and dirt...
Changed the washer/dryer loads, and went to eat at Buffet Palace. May have been spending money that could have been spent elsewhere, but i've feeling nutritionally deprived by my meals of late. I was craving veggies, but i ate sushi and fried foods instead. *sigh*
got home, and found that I had overloaded the dryer. Took out the clothes that did get dry, and restarted the cycle. Proceeded to hop on the laptop and crank out answers to 41 surface-probing questions. a little fun - been a bit since i've done one of those chain icebreaker posts.
then i went to an AA meeting, and chatted with an old AA friend. I had also been chatting with another friend before the meeting, while answering those questions. got home, and chatted with house mates. some level of connection felt in all that...
I did not have to work my regular jobs today, which was a welcome relief. I have been working at one or the other of the two, every day, since Monday, August 29. Ironically, that was my birthday. Unfortunately, the shifts have still been short, and I've been too exhausted to prepare my own food, so I've been eating out at the cheap Mexican restaurant, Arranda's, quite a bit. I'm making some headway on my back rent, but not quite as fast as I'd like. ...and a past due credit card has been calling me, incessantly. It even interrupted that first student's tutoring session today.
Yes, I would like a job that pays more than $10 per hour, and has a flexible schedule. I imagine I could make ends meet at $20 per hour, 24 hours per week... It would be very nice to keep my board gaming alive and well, and maybe some role-playing games, too...
I told myself, write for 15 minutes, but the timer went off, two paragraphs ago. So, I will stop now, and see what happens when I publish this...
41 questions about me
Because Sioxsie Asked me to do it... I might tag people at the end, to prod them to do this, too...
1. WHO ARE YOU NAMED AFTER?
Still a little unclear on the nickname Jody, but I was named after Joseph, from the Old Testament. You know, had a multi-colored cloak, sold into slavery, became Pharoah's dream interpreter... check out the musical, if you'd like more detail.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Not entirely sure. I've been frustrated a bit, at times; and angry... but I can't remember my last cry. I suspect it was when I got a bad eye irritant, like road fumes in my face at the bus stop.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I kind of like my hand-printing. My cursive, though, is very sloppy. I also quite enjoy maybe a third of the things I write about.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Pastrami has a nice meat to spice ratio.
5. DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN?
None that I'm aware of...
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I'd respect the gentility and humility of me, but probably wonder I never call or write.
7. DO YOU ENJOY DOING LAUNDRY?
Once in a blue moon. Folding laundry definitely has meditative possibilities.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
I've forgotten most of my childhood, so I don't know. I think I do, though. My wisdom teeth, on the other hand...
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Definitely curious about it. Not sure how my fear of falling would react.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
These days, Raisin Bran sprinkled with sugar sounds pretty good - and sliced bananas!
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No. But then I have to untie them to put them on...
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Physically, I'm average. However, mentally? Considering some of the trials I've had, I'd think I'm Superman.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
So many choices. Probably would have nuts and caramel and cookie bits all mixed in to a basic Mexican Vanilla - sort of like an Amy's Ice Cream creation. Maybe add a cherry or two, too.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
I try to reserve judgement until I've interacted with them for a while. I probably pay attention to how they treat me, to decide if I want to continue interacting with them in the future.
15. RED OR PINK?
Pshaw!! Blue...
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF?
At the moment, probably my weight or my body odor. Or, wait... my extreme poverty level.
17. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Camouflage knee-length shorts, and black anti-slip shoes.
18. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
About three hours ago, I went to Buffet Palace and had sushi and fried appetizers.
19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT Now?
Nothing musically. I can hear the air conditioner blowing, full-steam, and my room mate cleaning the kitchen.
20. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Midnight Blue
21. FAVORITE SMELL?
Flowers?
22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Some guy from my credit card company, trying to collect payment
23. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?
Not a big fan of most sports.
24. HAIR COLOR?
It varies between blonde, auburn, and brown. Depends if I'm braving sunlight.
25. EYE COLOR?
Ice blue.
26. WEAR CONTACTS?
Quite happy with glasses, if I get to pick out the frames.
27. FAVORITE FOOD?
So many choices... I think I'm happiest at an Indian food buffet.
28. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Animation...
29. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
I think the "Captain America: Civil War", when it premiered?
30. WHAT COLOR UNDERWEAR ARE YOU WEARING?
Some sort of plaid boxer shorts. Probably either shades of red, or shades of blue.
31. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Winter, but in Texas.
32. HUGS OR KISSES?
Both! Maybe a nice massage, too...
33. Favorite deserts?
I haven't visited any, but I think I'm curious about the Gobi Desert. I think that might have been the one Gaiman wrote about in his "Sandman" comic about Marco Polo meeting Fielder's Green?
34. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING?
I guess it would be "What If?" by the author of the web-comic xcdf(?)... it's been a while since I picked it up, though. Unfortunately, most of my reading these days spawns off of Facebook posts.
35. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
I don't have a mouse pad. I'm using the dining room table to move my mouse on.
36. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
No TV, for a while. Usually playing board games or RPG's with friends, for entertainment; or, going online, if I'm by myself. I also play several games on my phone, too.
37. FAVORITE SOUND?
Texas thunderstorms.
38. ROLLING STONES or BEATLES?
Pink Floyd.
39. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE EVER TRAVELED?
Probably Michigan.
40. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I have mad abilities in mathematics...
41. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Ann Arbor, MI
Entertain me. Copy, paste. Just for fun...
1. WHO ARE YOU NAMED AFTER?
Still a little unclear on the nickname Jody, but I was named after Joseph, from the Old Testament. You know, had a multi-colored cloak, sold into slavery, became Pharoah's dream interpreter... check out the musical, if you'd like more detail.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Not entirely sure. I've been frustrated a bit, at times; and angry... but I can't remember my last cry. I suspect it was when I got a bad eye irritant, like road fumes in my face at the bus stop.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I kind of like my hand-printing. My cursive, though, is very sloppy. I also quite enjoy maybe a third of the things I write about.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Pastrami has a nice meat to spice ratio.
5. DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN?
None that I'm aware of...
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I'd respect the gentility and humility of me, but probably wonder I never call or write.
7. DO YOU ENJOY DOING LAUNDRY?
Once in a blue moon. Folding laundry definitely has meditative possibilities.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
I've forgotten most of my childhood, so I don't know. I think I do, though. My wisdom teeth, on the other hand...
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Definitely curious about it. Not sure how my fear of falling would react.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
These days, Raisin Bran sprinkled with sugar sounds pretty good - and sliced bananas!
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No. But then I have to untie them to put them on...
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Physically, I'm average. However, mentally? Considering some of the trials I've had, I'd think I'm Superman.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
So many choices. Probably would have nuts and caramel and cookie bits all mixed in to a basic Mexican Vanilla - sort of like an Amy's Ice Cream creation. Maybe add a cherry or two, too.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
I try to reserve judgement until I've interacted with them for a while. I probably pay attention to how they treat me, to decide if I want to continue interacting with them in the future.
15. RED OR PINK?
Pshaw!! Blue...
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF?
At the moment, probably my weight or my body odor. Or, wait... my extreme poverty level.
17. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Camouflage knee-length shorts, and black anti-slip shoes.
18. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
About three hours ago, I went to Buffet Palace and had sushi and fried appetizers.
19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT Now?
Nothing musically. I can hear the air conditioner blowing, full-steam, and my room mate cleaning the kitchen.
20. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Midnight Blue
21. FAVORITE SMELL?
Flowers?
22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Some guy from my credit card company, trying to collect payment
23. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?
Not a big fan of most sports.
24. HAIR COLOR?
It varies between blonde, auburn, and brown. Depends if I'm braving sunlight.
25. EYE COLOR?
Ice blue.
26. WEAR CONTACTS?
Quite happy with glasses, if I get to pick out the frames.
27. FAVORITE FOOD?
So many choices... I think I'm happiest at an Indian food buffet.
28. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Animation...
29. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
I think the "Captain America: Civil War", when it premiered?
30. WHAT COLOR UNDERWEAR ARE YOU WEARING?
Some sort of plaid boxer shorts. Probably either shades of red, or shades of blue.
31. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Winter, but in Texas.
32. HUGS OR KISSES?
Both! Maybe a nice massage, too...
33. Favorite deserts?
I haven't visited any, but I think I'm curious about the Gobi Desert. I think that might have been the one Gaiman wrote about in his "Sandman" comic about Marco Polo meeting Fielder's Green?
34. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING?
I guess it would be "What If?" by the author of the web-comic xcdf(?)... it's been a while since I picked it up, though. Unfortunately, most of my reading these days spawns off of Facebook posts.
35. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
I don't have a mouse pad. I'm using the dining room table to move my mouse on.
36. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
No TV, for a while. Usually playing board games or RPG's with friends, for entertainment; or, going online, if I'm by myself. I also play several games on my phone, too.
37. FAVORITE SOUND?
Texas thunderstorms.
38. ROLLING STONES or BEATLES?
Pink Floyd.
39. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE EVER TRAVELED?
Probably Michigan.
40. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I have mad abilities in mathematics...
41. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Ann Arbor, MI
Entertain me. Copy, paste. Just for fun...
08 July 2016
"To Move Mountains?" (P.o.t.D. 7/8/2016)
What words can I say,
Convince them to walk away
From valleys of death?
(Unfortunately,
I feel my words hold no weight,
and so, my heart breaks...)
Convince them to walk away
From valleys of death?
(Unfortunately,
I feel my words hold no weight,
and so, my heart breaks...)
16 June 2016
"Roadkill" (P.o.t.D. 6/16/16)
A twisted skeleton
Beside busy highway -
Umbrella abandoned
When fierce rains made it splay,
Upward, outward, useless?
A corpse lays in the street -
Server's black cash apron,
Tossed away in the heat
Of mad furies from work,
When she was called useless...
So much trash, scattered 'round;
Relics of our culture
That one day will be found
By descendents, for sure,
Who cast us as useless.
Beside busy highway -
Umbrella abandoned
When fierce rains made it splay,
Upward, outward, useless?
A corpse lays in the street -
Server's black cash apron,
Tossed away in the heat
Of mad furies from work,
When she was called useless...
So much trash, scattered 'round;
Relics of our culture
That one day will be found
By descendents, for sure,
Who cast us as useless.
"Celebrating Rain" (P.o.t.D. 6/16/16)
Happy about rains,
Plants stretch sweet flowers to me
Along walks to work.
Plants stretch sweet flowers to me
Along walks to work.
12 June 2016
Blade Runner end scene quote
"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die." -Roy Batty, Bladerunner
"Times Unjust" (P.o.t.D. 6/12/16)
Life has lost its luster,
Dulled by bickering and fighting,
And having to choose
From a menu chock full of bad diets.
Love tries to find root,
Cracking a stone-dead heart,
Raising bile when threatened
By senseless attacks upon the cherished.
This is but an impromptu piece,
Written on the cuff,
Attempting to capture
The despair, the ennui, the lonely place..?
So, forgive, if you will,
Or revile, if you must,
This feeble spark of anger
In the face of times unjust.
Dulled by bickering and fighting,
And having to choose
From a menu chock full of bad diets.
Love tries to find root,
Cracking a stone-dead heart,
Raising bile when threatened
By senseless attacks upon the cherished.
This is but an impromptu piece,
Written on the cuff,
Attempting to capture
The despair, the ennui, the lonely place..?
So, forgive, if you will,
Or revile, if you must,
This feeble spark of anger
In the face of times unjust.
22 May 2016
I've gone 3 weeks now, without fulfilling my commitment to make coffee at 1313 for the Mondays in May.
I'm not even sure if I will make good attempts to brew the coffee over the next two Mondays.
Partly because of fear... uncertain if they will be angry or critical of me for my truancy thus far.
Partly because of a different fear - that of being late to my paid job, at 10 p.m. Even though the meeting ends at 7 p.m. and the bus system is fairly reliable.
It's not like making coffee is difficult; as I've done this commitment multiple times in the past easily and with much praise. It's not like making the meeting is a challenge, either; as I can get plenty of sleep between now and then, and I know the bus schedules and the weather is probably going to be sunny.
I see parallels between this and between my past employment truancies, which were fueled by not wanting to explain why I called in sick when I really just didn't want to do the work.
There's the rub, I guess. My heart's not in this service commitment. That, in turn, points at a deeper resentment of doing AA 12th Step work, or offering to be a sponsor, or even sharing; because I'm not getting any feedback. I don't see people acknowledging that I have anything to offer. I wonder if I'm not paying enough attention to catch the subtler signs of acceptance.
I haven't seen outright criticism, or practical jokes. That, coupled with severe course disruptions (.666 gpa), probably led to my abandoning Alpha Phi Omega; even though I was a Top Ten volunteer for the two semesters that I was active in that...
Then again, maybe people think I'm too serious, too intimidating. Yeah, I try not to make jokes, because I can see how jokes can be lightly-veiled attacks. ...or maybe I come off as untrustworthy, because I'm not trusting you enough to joke around.
Probably all just psycho-babble processing.
I need a feedback loop.
I can't sustain operating in a vacuum.
I'm not even sure if I will make good attempts to brew the coffee over the next two Mondays.
Partly because of fear... uncertain if they will be angry or critical of me for my truancy thus far.
Partly because of a different fear - that of being late to my paid job, at 10 p.m. Even though the meeting ends at 7 p.m. and the bus system is fairly reliable.
It's not like making coffee is difficult; as I've done this commitment multiple times in the past easily and with much praise. It's not like making the meeting is a challenge, either; as I can get plenty of sleep between now and then, and I know the bus schedules and the weather is probably going to be sunny.
I see parallels between this and between my past employment truancies, which were fueled by not wanting to explain why I called in sick when I really just didn't want to do the work.
There's the rub, I guess. My heart's not in this service commitment. That, in turn, points at a deeper resentment of doing AA 12th Step work, or offering to be a sponsor, or even sharing; because I'm not getting any feedback. I don't see people acknowledging that I have anything to offer. I wonder if I'm not paying enough attention to catch the subtler signs of acceptance.
I haven't seen outright criticism, or practical jokes. That, coupled with severe course disruptions (.666 gpa), probably led to my abandoning Alpha Phi Omega; even though I was a Top Ten volunteer for the two semesters that I was active in that...
Then again, maybe people think I'm too serious, too intimidating. Yeah, I try not to make jokes, because I can see how jokes can be lightly-veiled attacks. ...or maybe I come off as untrustworthy, because I'm not trusting you enough to joke around.
Probably all just psycho-babble processing.
I need a feedback loop.
I can't sustain operating in a vacuum.
13 May 2016
"The Mind-Killer" (P.o.t.D. 5/13/16)
Fear lurks in the shadows of my brain,
Just waiting to eat me alive again.
A poem percolates, simmers, and stews
All but devoid of today's news...
Like an ostrich tasting dusky desert sand,
The ideas feel so blocked, perhaps banned.
I want to write, but I know not what to write about;
Leaving me to throw incoherant tantrums
Where I jump up and down and incoherently shout...
As it all boils down, some juicy bits I hope to trim....
Just waiting to eat me alive again.
A poem percolates, simmers, and stews
All but devoid of today's news...
Like an ostrich tasting dusky desert sand,
The ideas feel so blocked, perhaps banned.
I want to write, but I know not what to write about;
Leaving me to throw incoherant tantrums
Where I jump up and down and incoherently shout...
As it all boils down, some juicy bits I hope to trim....
18 April 2016
17 March 2016
St. Paddy's Quote
"A good laugh and a long sleep are the best two cures for anything."
- Irish proverb
- Irish proverb
17 February 2016
15 February 2016
VD Lament?
I do not want to be
That sad, single guy;
Always that nice guy
Who never finds love...
I do not want to be
A bad annoyance,
A street harasser,
Solely focused on looks...
So, what do I want to be?
I want to value and respect your mind.
I want be funny, yet still kind.
Is there a soul mate, for me to find?
I wish ladies would be forthright and open,
Expressing any love and attraction for me;
Because I would rather that they have that power...
Then again, what if I reject their advance?
I've tried dating web sites
With very little success -
I'd rather date within my friends,
Yet, I know not who I impress...
Trust me on this:
You have to be open and direct,
Because I'm an introvert
And so apt to miss
Subtle and coy clues
While I'm wrapped up in my own head.
There's a beast in me,
That animal drive
That wants physical affection and more -
Yet it is at war
With my ego and super-ego
Who want peace in the community,
Who fear getting tangled up with a friend:
"What if their feelings end?"
I am thankful for the tokens of love,
Scattered in front of me -
Rides home with friends, holiday invites,
Tidbits shared from our pasts...
I just feel like I get lost in the crowd,
Because I do not drop one-liners?
Because silence is easy to dismiss?
That sad, single guy;
Always that nice guy
Who never finds love...
I do not want to be
A bad annoyance,
A street harasser,
Solely focused on looks...
So, what do I want to be?
I want to value and respect your mind.
I want be funny, yet still kind.
Is there a soul mate, for me to find?
I wish ladies would be forthright and open,
Expressing any love and attraction for me;
Because I would rather that they have that power...
Then again, what if I reject their advance?
I've tried dating web sites
With very little success -
I'd rather date within my friends,
Yet, I know not who I impress...
Trust me on this:
You have to be open and direct,
Because I'm an introvert
And so apt to miss
Subtle and coy clues
While I'm wrapped up in my own head.
There's a beast in me,
That animal drive
That wants physical affection and more -
Yet it is at war
With my ego and super-ego
Who want peace in the community,
Who fear getting tangled up with a friend:
"What if their feelings end?"
I am thankful for the tokens of love,
Scattered in front of me -
Rides home with friends, holiday invites,
Tidbits shared from our pasts...
I just feel like I get lost in the crowd,
Because I do not drop one-liners?
Because silence is easy to dismiss?
14 February 2016
"What can I do?" (P.o.t.D. 2/13/16)
What can I do?
When the world seems to be splitting apart at the seams,
and poison runs freely through its streams...
Then there's a current in the culture,
dragging the poor people under,
as sthey become brainwashed by the media and selfish rich...
maybe not so extreme,
but that's how it seems...
Two decades ago, my interest waned
While society thought it was entertained,
By the next horrific news item, the next big thing -
Still, CNN gets the ratings
From the huddled masses
Glued to their TV sets.
What I really want is a good bedtime story -
Just a tale that can ease me into dreamland
And block out the nightmares around me.
I'm drawn in by instrumental music,
And Visual Effects Spectaculars...
Maybe, it's a yearning for magic,
Instead of the mundane,
And I recall reading
My Mom's Library of King and Xanth in the 80's -
Enjoying the word play,
The crafting of mysteries...
These days, I look forward to games galore,
And the crazy tales in store,
When rolling dice,
Not always playing nice.
I doubt that I will revise or edit this piece;
Although I might consider slapping a low-filters warning upon it?
What can I do?
I can read books or watch movies from the library,
Or even upon my computer or my phone.
I can call my friends and family,
Or take time the sift their emails
Out of the detritus that fills my accounts -
So much junk worn down to one-page wonders
From companies and web sites through which I wandered.
It's so easy to peck away at the keyboard,
Or even just copy and paste,
Or maybe even just like and share,
And, with one click, send it everywhere...
That was my original idea, tonight -
To dust off the laptop, and clean out the mailboxes;
Getting some chuckles from so many minutiae.
I'm glad that I reached my Dad instead,
And talked out some of my fears and hopes and more.
He only slipped into lectures, a couple of times in the hour call.
What can I do?
I can write a long rant,
Or maybe this half-poem,
Expressing my health concerns,
And my lack of romance,
And the career dance...
Yes, there are times I wish upon a star,
For a better life, in which I can go far...
Yet, I can sleep quite well at night;
Because I disavow myself
From watching the media fright?
Or, because of the drugs prescribed
For leveling out my bipolar flight?
I prefer not to be whipped into a frenzy,
Yet I worry such blissful ignorance
Can land me as a stranger in a strange land -
Unable to comprehend or understand
How the coddled masses
Dealt us such a spiteful, hateful hand.
What can I do?
What do I do?
I've tried to curtail my Facebook shares,
Recognizing that they're so much gossip,
And their background research is so rare.
It is rare, too, that I spend money on movies;
But that's more likely
Because I have so little money to spend.
I do give up eleven dollars a month,
To cut out the ads from Spotify,
And customize my play lists...
It pleases me greatly that many customers
Compliment me upon my ambient airs.
After that phone call with my father, this evening,
I took some time to publicize my playlists -
If you have Spotify, and are intrigued,
Try searching for the four lists
Whose names start with "JB's"...
Maybe that's a bit of my pride playing out.
I claim to be an introvert,
But I still want to be immersed,
and feel the pulse of culture...
So, despite little to no TV,
And the very rare trip to see a movie,
I keep the radio going,
And I volunteer,
And play my games...
It just seems like small moves
To keep away the boredom, the loneliness,
The hermit's life that I court.
What can I do?
...to feel love,
instead of hate?
When the world seems to be splitting apart at the seams,
and poison runs freely through its streams...
Then there's a current in the culture,
dragging the poor people under,
as sthey become brainwashed by the media and selfish rich...
maybe not so extreme,
but that's how it seems...
Two decades ago, my interest waned
While society thought it was entertained,
By the next horrific news item, the next big thing -
Still, CNN gets the ratings
From the huddled masses
Glued to their TV sets.
What I really want is a good bedtime story -
Just a tale that can ease me into dreamland
And block out the nightmares around me.
I'm drawn in by instrumental music,
And Visual Effects Spectaculars...
Maybe, it's a yearning for magic,
Instead of the mundane,
And I recall reading
My Mom's Library of King and Xanth in the 80's -
Enjoying the word play,
The crafting of mysteries...
These days, I look forward to games galore,
And the crazy tales in store,
When rolling dice,
Not always playing nice.
I doubt that I will revise or edit this piece;
Although I might consider slapping a low-filters warning upon it?
What can I do?
I can read books or watch movies from the library,
Or even upon my computer or my phone.
I can call my friends and family,
Or take time the sift their emails
Out of the detritus that fills my accounts -
So much junk worn down to one-page wonders
From companies and web sites through which I wandered.
It's so easy to peck away at the keyboard,
Or even just copy and paste,
Or maybe even just like and share,
And, with one click, send it everywhere...
That was my original idea, tonight -
To dust off the laptop, and clean out the mailboxes;
Getting some chuckles from so many minutiae.
I'm glad that I reached my Dad instead,
And talked out some of my fears and hopes and more.
He only slipped into lectures, a couple of times in the hour call.
What can I do?
I can write a long rant,
Or maybe this half-poem,
Expressing my health concerns,
And my lack of romance,
And the career dance...
Yes, there are times I wish upon a star,
For a better life, in which I can go far...
Yet, I can sleep quite well at night;
Because I disavow myself
From watching the media fright?
Or, because of the drugs prescribed
For leveling out my bipolar flight?
I prefer not to be whipped into a frenzy,
Yet I worry such blissful ignorance
Can land me as a stranger in a strange land -
Unable to comprehend or understand
How the coddled masses
Dealt us such a spiteful, hateful hand.
What can I do?
What do I do?
I've tried to curtail my Facebook shares,
Recognizing that they're so much gossip,
And their background research is so rare.
It is rare, too, that I spend money on movies;
But that's more likely
Because I have so little money to spend.
I do give up eleven dollars a month,
To cut out the ads from Spotify,
And customize my play lists...
It pleases me greatly that many customers
Compliment me upon my ambient airs.
After that phone call with my father, this evening,
I took some time to publicize my playlists -
If you have Spotify, and are intrigued,
Try searching for the four lists
Whose names start with "JB's"...
Maybe that's a bit of my pride playing out.
I claim to be an introvert,
But I still want to be immersed,
and feel the pulse of culture...
So, despite little to no TV,
And the very rare trip to see a movie,
I keep the radio going,
And I volunteer,
And play my games...
It just seems like small moves
To keep away the boredom, the loneliness,
The hermit's life that I court.
What can I do?
...to feel love,
instead of hate?
11 February 2016
"Destiny's Leaves?" (P.o.t.D. 2/11/16)
Youth's fair and fine leaves
Ride with the wind, as the bus
Trudges long its course...
Poems plucked from children,
Posted above riders' heads
To read and digest...
Spaghetti roads or
Spaghetti hair? Images
Of tangled skeins there.
Little do I know
From what branch I pick these lines -
Life's veins intertwined...
Thin delicate rib
Of a moon, or fingernail,
Or bowl in the sky?
Colorful reward,
To gorge, on poetry bus,
With nine rhymes, not one -
To be distracted
From a dull, brown life, riding
Round the town, head down,
Looking at the phone,
At senseless memes, in long lines -
Shadows of poems, See?
Let me look at leaves,
Left in the loft of the lift,
'less I leave, listless.
Ride with the wind, as the bus
Trudges long its course...
Poems plucked from children,
Posted above riders' heads
To read and digest...
Spaghetti roads or
Spaghetti hair? Images
Of tangled skeins there.
Little do I know
From what branch I pick these lines -
Life's veins intertwined...
Thin delicate rib
Of a moon, or fingernail,
Or bowl in the sky?
Colorful reward,
To gorge, on poetry bus,
With nine rhymes, not one -
To be distracted
From a dull, brown life, riding
Round the town, head down,
Looking at the phone,
At senseless memes, in long lines -
Shadows of poems, See?
Let me look at leaves,
Left in the loft of the lift,
'less I leave, listless.
07 February 2016
"Silver Pins?" (pub 2/7/16)
My mind's but an empty vessel,
Drained of all life
By the paparazzi media circus.
As it was sucked dry
Through my clamped shut eyes and ears,
My heart was evacuated long before -
Allowing this travesty of modern life.
My hope,
If it still exists,
Is that one day,
This hollow existence
Will be replenished
By love's fire
Finding silver pins
Hidden under all the toothpicks.
Let us slay vampires and werewolves
Who are the diseases
Poisoning society's vitality...
Drained of all life
By the paparazzi media circus.
As it was sucked dry
Through my clamped shut eyes and ears,
My heart was evacuated long before -
Allowing this travesty of modern life.
My hope,
If it still exists,
Is that one day,
This hollow existence
Will be replenished
By love's fire
Finding silver pins
Hidden under all the toothpicks.
Let us slay vampires and werewolves
Who are the diseases
Poisoning society's vitality...
05 February 2016
"isolated in AA" (P.o.t.D. 2/5/16)
just string the words together,
and wonder if any thoughts appear...
isolated at an AA meeting,
despite a couple of warm greetings -
always wanting to be in the spotlight,
the center of attention:
the guy who makes everyone laugh,
or who says something so profound.
hooey on that...
just trying to pump the chest out,
without speaking from the heart...
without vulnerability and weakness,
although it could be weakness
to cloak one's self in pretty words,
devoid of real meaning, real experience.
great chasm, great gulf, great void
between them and me -
Lack of sincerity.
i feel a little charred,
because I asked for help,
and i got no response.
"For God's sake,
It was only a chili cookoff!"
...or, floundering, flopping in the deep,
wishing for some relief,
but the steps sit unworked,
the phone sits silent,
and the never-ending quest for more
packs my schedule full of games and work -
no room left to breathe,
to sort out the medicine madness,
the deceptively cheap insurance
that does not provide any takers -
damn those doctors and their high fees!
i looked at the white board,
and i saw that i hadn't been to a meeting,
all this week, despite rules that I attend three.
so i went to the late-night tonight,
and i plan on an early one tomorrow,
capped by a speaker in the evening...
part of me wonders if i'll follow through.
I used to go religiously to 1313,
but, lately...?
it seems that fears of missing work
have been keeping me away,
or, so I claim.
it could also be...
that I don't feel a part of, any more -
ever since I quit smoking cigarettes,
or started sporting grey hair,
or just watching my mind fall apart...
why do i hide in this cave?
why do i settle
for so little,
when great things could be me?
the thoughts are out there, now...
mostly my low-lying anger at AA -
How I feel so separate, almost betrayed...
wondering if that's, for me, a valid place.
On a bright note,
I really do enjoy my gaming nights -
So much more interaction...
I'm not so fond of work nights,
slinging beer and cigarettes
to people who don't realize,
"The party's over, 'lest you never grow old..."
I suspect, one day,
I'll see some of these customers
In future AA meetings...
If I'm still going, that is....
So, I don't feel alone, or lonely,
as i do have happy places to go to;
but i do feel isolated and unaccepted -
like my boat has drifted to uncharted waters,
away from the fleet
maybe i'm just hungry,
as I fast tonight,
for the doctor's tests, tomorrow.
I've noticed how twisted off I become,
when i've not had food for a bit.
and wonder if any thoughts appear...
isolated at an AA meeting,
despite a couple of warm greetings -
always wanting to be in the spotlight,
the center of attention:
the guy who makes everyone laugh,
or who says something so profound.
hooey on that...
just trying to pump the chest out,
without speaking from the heart...
without vulnerability and weakness,
although it could be weakness
to cloak one's self in pretty words,
devoid of real meaning, real experience.
great chasm, great gulf, great void
between them and me -
Lack of sincerity.
i feel a little charred,
because I asked for help,
and i got no response.
"For God's sake,
It was only a chili cookoff!"
...or, floundering, flopping in the deep,
wishing for some relief,
but the steps sit unworked,
the phone sits silent,
and the never-ending quest for more
packs my schedule full of games and work -
no room left to breathe,
to sort out the medicine madness,
the deceptively cheap insurance
that does not provide any takers -
damn those doctors and their high fees!
i looked at the white board,
and i saw that i hadn't been to a meeting,
all this week, despite rules that I attend three.
so i went to the late-night tonight,
and i plan on an early one tomorrow,
capped by a speaker in the evening...
part of me wonders if i'll follow through.
I used to go religiously to 1313,
but, lately...?
it seems that fears of missing work
have been keeping me away,
or, so I claim.
it could also be...
that I don't feel a part of, any more -
ever since I quit smoking cigarettes,
or started sporting grey hair,
or just watching my mind fall apart...
why do i hide in this cave?
why do i settle
for so little,
when great things could be me?
the thoughts are out there, now...
mostly my low-lying anger at AA -
How I feel so separate, almost betrayed...
wondering if that's, for me, a valid place.
On a bright note,
I really do enjoy my gaming nights -
So much more interaction...
I'm not so fond of work nights,
slinging beer and cigarettes
to people who don't realize,
"The party's over, 'lest you never grow old..."
I suspect, one day,
I'll see some of these customers
In future AA meetings...
If I'm still going, that is....
So, I don't feel alone, or lonely,
as i do have happy places to go to;
but i do feel isolated and unaccepted -
like my boat has drifted to uncharted waters,
away from the fleet
maybe i'm just hungry,
as I fast tonight,
for the doctor's tests, tomorrow.
I've noticed how twisted off I become,
when i've not had food for a bit.
04 February 2016
"Birch Tree" (P.o.t.D. 2/4/16)
Is it a birch tree
That sports a white trunk?
Looking at it,
I suspect the bark
Is a delectable treat
For some insatiable insect,
Stripping the tree bare -
Leaving it to shiver and creak
In the winter cold,
Befeft of leaves and bark more.
Then I wonder,
"When it creaks,
Does it, like a treant, speak,
Begging to follow me home
To find some shelter
From this harsh world?"
Should we be glad
That trees stay rooted?
Else, what chaos could they create
With branches swinging and scratching
At all these animals?
Losing steam...
I still ponder
On white trunks...
That sports a white trunk?
Looking at it,
I suspect the bark
Is a delectable treat
For some insatiable insect,
Stripping the tree bare -
Leaving it to shiver and creak
In the winter cold,
Befeft of leaves and bark more.
Then I wonder,
"When it creaks,
Does it, like a treant, speak,
Begging to follow me home
To find some shelter
From this harsh world?"
Should we be glad
That trees stay rooted?
Else, what chaos could they create
With branches swinging and scratching
At all these animals?
Losing steam...
I still ponder
On white trunks...
01 February 2016
"Unfinished Media Meanderings?" (P.o.t.D. 2/1/16)
Like a steadfast woodpecker
Meticulously digging at my brain,
The clock beats out seconds
In its Chinese Water Torture refrain...
I ask if I want
To write angry words,
Railing at dirty water
Or suicidal open mics
Or psychopaths running for President...
Just a slice of the "news"
Gathered from Facebook pizza -
Probably a bit unhealthy
If gorged on every minute
Of every day, for years;
All leading to a drying up
Of desensitized tears...
Then I focus on the color orange.
I wonder, "Will my Longhorn spirit arise,
Or will I wander down a mental alley
With a decadent, sweet fruit -
Unaware that it may soon be skinned and devoured?"
Most of the adjectives I'm drawn to
Seem to be colors -
Maybe indicative of a visual mind?
How I thirst for a lovely metaphor,
Or a twist of words
Sunk deep into my brain,
Awaiting the woodpecker,
Or possibly Pink Floyd's worms...
(Or Waits' "Sixteen Shells"...?)
I want to listen to the bards,
Instead of the knocking birds,
Or the silence of a store so bare.
So, I plug in my phone
And blast the tunes so loud,
Hoping some mix of noise
Will find a safe home
That my attention allows
To become one of my attic toys.
Meticulously digging at my brain,
The clock beats out seconds
In its Chinese Water Torture refrain...
I ask if I want
To write angry words,
Railing at dirty water
Or suicidal open mics
Or psychopaths running for President...
Just a slice of the "news"
Gathered from Facebook pizza -
Probably a bit unhealthy
If gorged on every minute
Of every day, for years;
All leading to a drying up
Of desensitized tears...
Then I focus on the color orange.
I wonder, "Will my Longhorn spirit arise,
Or will I wander down a mental alley
With a decadent, sweet fruit -
Unaware that it may soon be skinned and devoured?"
Most of the adjectives I'm drawn to
Seem to be colors -
Maybe indicative of a visual mind?
How I thirst for a lovely metaphor,
Or a twist of words
Sunk deep into my brain,
Awaiting the woodpecker,
Or possibly Pink Floyd's worms...
(Or Waits' "Sixteen Shells"...?)
I want to listen to the bards,
Instead of the knocking birds,
Or the silence of a store so bare.
So, I plug in my phone
And blast the tunes so loud,
Hoping some mix of noise
Will find a safe home
That my attention allows
To become one of my attic toys.
24 January 2016
"Cooling the Fire"
As love's brief embers become cold, grey ash,
The heart labors long to stop anger's match.
The heart labors long to stop anger's match.
16 January 2016
14 January 2016
11 January 2016
"Wary of Triggers" (P.o.t.D. 1/11/16)
Tiptoe through a field of eggshells,
For fear of finding shards of glass
That sting and cripple and fell
The clumsy giants who walk so rash...
Behind every corner, every word,
Lies some hurt soul's triggers -
Would that I could fly like a bird
To avoid these social taboo rigors...
Would that I lived on an Earth
Where folks did not lash out and hurt
Those who came from a different birth -
Perhaps, there, we'd all soar like birds.
For fear of finding shards of glass
That sting and cripple and fell
The clumsy giants who walk so rash...
Behind every corner, every word,
Lies some hurt soul's triggers -
Would that I could fly like a bird
To avoid these social taboo rigors...
Would that I lived on an Earth
Where folks did not lash out and hurt
Those who came from a different birth -
Perhaps, there, we'd all soar like birds.
08 January 2016
02 January 2016
01 January 2016
31 December 2015
My wishes for me and y'all both to carry us through 2016:
- for good health, and enjoying the lives we have been given,
- for creative inspiration, that our works will undeniably be a product of our love
- for less waste, either in time, or in materials, or through careless mistakes
- for good fortune, that we may celebrate in each others' accomplishments and share freely all the blessings we have been given
- for much laughter, showing that we know how to learn from our mistakes, and still not take life too seriously
- and for quiet contemplation, aware that this life is impermanent, yet we remember and honor others as we recount the past "brief lives"
----
Part of this is inspired by Gaiman's wishes for the New Years...
- for good health, and enjoying the lives we have been given,
- for creative inspiration, that our works will undeniably be a product of our love
- for less waste, either in time, or in materials, or through careless mistakes
- for good fortune, that we may celebrate in each others' accomplishments and share freely all the blessings we have been given
- for much laughter, showing that we know how to learn from our mistakes, and still not take life too seriously
- and for quiet contemplation, aware that this life is impermanent, yet we remember and honor others as we recount the past "brief lives"
----
Part of this is inspired by Gaiman's wishes for the New Years...
30 December 2015
As I fumble once more for words,
I often do wonder,
"Was I meant to chatter like birds?"
Or, am I to be a stealthy hunter,
Like a cat low in the grass,
Observing prey for a blunder?
...and the bus rolls on,
without power for the phones.
So, sitting in silence,
I watch the plains roll by;
And I try not to notice
The love birds cuddling beside me...
I often do wonder,
"Was I meant to chatter like birds?"
Or, am I to be a stealthy hunter,
Like a cat low in the grass,
Observing prey for a blunder?
...and the bus rolls on,
without power for the phones.
So, sitting in silence,
I watch the plains roll by;
And I try not to notice
The love birds cuddling beside me...
28 December 2015
24 December 2015
13 December 2015
P.o.t.D. 12/13/15: "Dawn's Palette"
As the sun crept above the wharf,
Treasures left there by the night tide
Were seen, strewn along the sea shore.
With the advancing morning light,
Colors returned - first red and orange,
Then rainbows struck my labored sight.
Pink, purple, blue, and so much more -
Even pine greens sprang from the night.
Treasures left there by the night tide
Were seen, strewn along the sea shore.
With the advancing morning light,
Colors returned - first red and orange,
Then rainbows struck my labored sight.
Pink, purple, blue, and so much more -
Even pine greens sprang from the night.
09 December 2015
P.o.t.D. 12/9/15: "Clouded Thoughts"
Bedevilled by gnats...
Walking with my head in the cloud,
A buzzing in my ears,
A tickle in my nose -
I want to be at peace
With the annoying minutiae.
Take a deep breath,
Or two...
Or twenty...
Collect my scattered bugs
Flying all around my head space,
Triggered by the critics
Cutting me down to size -
Some justifiably,
Some just telling it like it was.
Breathe in,
And cough out the sickness,
Like in "The Green Mile" -
Just let it all go,
Even though some words
Haunt me for years,
With their stinging truths.
Walking with my head in the cloud,
A buzzing in my ears,
A tickle in my nose -
I want to be at peace
With the annoying minutiae.
Take a deep breath,
Or two...
Or twenty...
Collect my scattered bugs
Flying all around my head space,
Triggered by the critics
Cutting me down to size -
Some justifiably,
Some just telling it like it was.
Breathe in,
And cough out the sickness,
Like in "The Green Mile" -
Just let it all go,
Even though some words
Haunt me for years,
With their stinging truths.
08 December 2015
P.o.t.D. 12/8/15: "A long rest?"
The words stuck in my gut,
Blocked by deep dark depression
Choking back tears and outrage
And causing the poems' cessation...
But, all you saw,
Was an absence from the page...
If you were even looking.
Blocked by deep dark depression
Choking back tears and outrage
And causing the poems' cessation...
But, all you saw,
Was an absence from the page...
If you were even looking.
04 December 2015
P.o.t.D. 12/4/15: "moving on..."
To describe the present moment:
Sitting at the kitchen table,
Searching on the laptop for jobs
In hopes my life becomes stable.
Sitting at the kitchen table,
Searching on the laptop for jobs
In hopes my life becomes stable.
03 December 2015
P.o.t.D. 12/3/15: "Marching Seconds"
The clock is ticking,
Marking off moments in life,
That slowly add up.
Marking off moments in life,
That slowly add up.
02 December 2015
P.o.t.D. 12/2/15: "My Voice?"
People want to hear my voice -
Not shares and likes without comment,
Or stuff that's just pretty pictures
Usually paired with "Quotes"
Of vague repute or half-truths...
People want to hear my voice?
Let me retreat into my shell,
Like a tortoise stung by a bee,
Reeling from the sudden pain
That all these memes are not me.
Do you want to hear my voice?
When words collide in my brain,
Coming out sideways in my pain -
First drafts with very rough edges,
And lots of "uh's" and hedges...
So shy, and yet, I shall speak my voice,
To declutter my friends' feeds
From the fluff and fandom
Spawned by all the shares and likes,
Such as the AT-AT cake I've seen thrice.
Not shares and likes without comment,
Or stuff that's just pretty pictures
Usually paired with "Quotes"
Of vague repute or half-truths...
People want to hear my voice?
Let me retreat into my shell,
Like a tortoise stung by a bee,
Reeling from the sudden pain
That all these memes are not me.
Do you want to hear my voice?
When words collide in my brain,
Coming out sideways in my pain -
First drafts with very rough edges,
And lots of "uh's" and hedges...
So shy, and yet, I shall speak my voice,
To declutter my friends' feeds
From the fluff and fandom
Spawned by all the shares and likes,
Such as the AT-AT cake I've seen thrice.
Would I blame the games?
I think of first-person shooters, and live action assassins gone awry, and how my competitive streak has taken some of those to unhealthy levels - I mean, my first hospitalizing manic episode came only one week after the heightened paranoia that surrounded assassins...
Or do we point fingers at the movies and media, where violence is glorified?
Crime, zombies, action flicks - with all their associated gun fire, and so little grief seen after words...
Then there's that whole American ideal: "the right to defend one's home" or "the right to bear arms"... which, to me, seems to say that we can justify violence as a quick and easy means of righting personal wrongs. Yet, in reality, that's just an escalating cycle of violence which quickly leads to physical harm or death of somebody involved. We cheer when it's the initial wrongdoer, and we regret when it's the victim...
What makes people choose to pull the trigger? Is it really insanity, or do they believe it's accepted by society?
I claim no answers, only some hazy theories. I'd like your (civilized) inputs...
I think of first-person shooters, and live action assassins gone awry, and how my competitive streak has taken some of those to unhealthy levels - I mean, my first hospitalizing manic episode came only one week after the heightened paranoia that surrounded assassins...
Or do we point fingers at the movies and media, where violence is glorified?
Crime, zombies, action flicks - with all their associated gun fire, and so little grief seen after words...
Then there's that whole American ideal: "the right to defend one's home" or "the right to bear arms"... which, to me, seems to say that we can justify violence as a quick and easy means of righting personal wrongs. Yet, in reality, that's just an escalating cycle of violence which quickly leads to physical harm or death of somebody involved. We cheer when it's the initial wrongdoer, and we regret when it's the victim...
What makes people choose to pull the trigger? Is it really insanity, or do they believe it's accepted by society?
I claim no answers, only some hazy theories. I'd like your (civilized) inputs...
30 November 2015
P.o.t.D. 11/30/15: "Time Marches On"
Overslept again.
Life doesn't care - it moves on,
Leaves me scrambling...
Life doesn't care - it moves on,
Leaves me scrambling...
29 November 2015
P.o.t.D. 11/29/15: streaming on deficiencies.
streaming thoughts:
poverty sucks,
it really sucks...
to not have the power to buy a meal,
and subsist on old sandwiches
to worry about past-due rent
or credit card debt
spinning out of control
or not being able to see a doctor or dentist
because the copays too high
even though health seems to be getting worse
worries about cancer in the mouth or the colon
probably just an over-active imagination
and yet...
sharp twinge of pain down my right leg
as i get out of bed this evening
recalls horrible memories of sciatica
and reminds me how poorly
i do not maintain good physical health
back to poverty sucks -
it's not all finances
there's this emptiness
this lack of connection
with friends and family
so that when I suddenly need help
i'm afraid to write emails
or make phone calls
because i don't want to be
some random stranger making an imposition
i'm an introvert,
a hermit,
a solitary man
and that could very well be my undoing
because i need to be reminded
that sharing life
does not divide life -
it multiplies it
through the many perspectives
sure,
i might be pigeon-holed
as a star wars fan to that guy,
or a math nerd to another circle,
or a game player or merry jokester or monologue reveler or ....
i am not just my
collection of interests
or my common habits...
and yet, I feel uncomfortable
talking politics,
and behind the curve in the sciences
nothing "serious" seems to be my strength,
because I do not want to read and research
it takes so much strength
just to get out of bed these days,
and shower,
and brush my teeth,
and wear myself down
working
in jobs i do not relish
there's a poverty of energy?
or a poverty of hope?
I can't see why I should struggle
when i feel that I'm destined
to die alone, penniless, forgotten.
or there's that fear
that struggle as i may,
the rest of the world
is still caught up in an avalanche
of a great disaster
that we're all watching in slow motion
i feel bleak, disheartened...
some times, I just want to run away
to the mountains of Tibet,
to drop all possessions
except a bowl to eat rice out of
and meditate with monks
and live simply.
probably a rash decision,
but I could at least meditate each day,
to try to get centered,
to sort the wheat from the chaffe
in this barren field
that is our capitalistic society...
so i feel myself
getting weathered down
by poor finances,
lack of romances,
worries over health,
fears of the stupidity of others,
and i have to wonder,
"Will I come out of it all
As some well-worn river rock
hiding a beautiful geode inside?"
or will i just fade away...?
and "Comfortably Numb" just started playing on my radio.
poverty sucks,
it really sucks...
to not have the power to buy a meal,
and subsist on old sandwiches
to worry about past-due rent
or credit card debt
spinning out of control
or not being able to see a doctor or dentist
because the copays too high
even though health seems to be getting worse
worries about cancer in the mouth or the colon
probably just an over-active imagination
and yet...
sharp twinge of pain down my right leg
as i get out of bed this evening
recalls horrible memories of sciatica
and reminds me how poorly
i do not maintain good physical health
back to poverty sucks -
it's not all finances
there's this emptiness
this lack of connection
with friends and family
so that when I suddenly need help
i'm afraid to write emails
or make phone calls
because i don't want to be
some random stranger making an imposition
i'm an introvert,
a hermit,
a solitary man
and that could very well be my undoing
because i need to be reminded
that sharing life
does not divide life -
it multiplies it
through the many perspectives
sure,
i might be pigeon-holed
as a star wars fan to that guy,
or a math nerd to another circle,
or a game player or merry jokester or monologue reveler or ....
i am not just my
collection of interests
or my common habits...
and yet, I feel uncomfortable
talking politics,
and behind the curve in the sciences
nothing "serious" seems to be my strength,
because I do not want to read and research
it takes so much strength
just to get out of bed these days,
and shower,
and brush my teeth,
and wear myself down
working
in jobs i do not relish
there's a poverty of energy?
or a poverty of hope?
I can't see why I should struggle
when i feel that I'm destined
to die alone, penniless, forgotten.
or there's that fear
that struggle as i may,
the rest of the world
is still caught up in an avalanche
of a great disaster
that we're all watching in slow motion
i feel bleak, disheartened...
some times, I just want to run away
to the mountains of Tibet,
to drop all possessions
except a bowl to eat rice out of
and meditate with monks
and live simply.
probably a rash decision,
but I could at least meditate each day,
to try to get centered,
to sort the wheat from the chaffe
in this barren field
that is our capitalistic society...
so i feel myself
getting weathered down
by poor finances,
lack of romances,
worries over health,
fears of the stupidity of others,
and i have to wonder,
"Will I come out of it all
As some well-worn river rock
hiding a beautiful geode inside?"
or will i just fade away...?
and "Comfortably Numb" just started playing on my radio.
28 November 2015
Wondering about communication methods?
"the Facebook couch": yep, one of my weaknesses, at this moment, is an over-reliance on Facebook for communication. I whine about people not visiting, calling, or writing; and yet - what have I done in order to try to fuel those other channels? Nothing. No contacts initiated
I wanted to share some of the ideas in this post in the AA meeting that happened an hour before this post... but I never got called on to share, even when they opened up the sharing to volunteers at the end.
Why broadcast to the general public? Probably some hope that somebody, somewhere will pick up when I feel extremely limited on people I can emote with... It seems I've lost touch with most of my family, except my Dad for a variety of reasons. I miss the days of having best friends or neighbors that I did things with on an almost daily basis. I'm craving companionship...
Should I seek professional help? More than likely, yes. Yet my insurance does not have psychiatric services based in Austin. The therapist that was provided thru DARS dropped me about two years ago, because I was not following thru on our action plans. I don't think a general practitioner would do much, aside from prescribing medications. I could always call a suicide hotline, but I'm not pondering suicide, so part of me would feel like I'd be abusing that resource.
So... yet another time thru the bipolar cycle, and another holiday clouded by doubts, and a hope that somebody out there, somewhere will listen...
I wanted to share some of the ideas in this post in the AA meeting that happened an hour before this post... but I never got called on to share, even when they opened up the sharing to volunteers at the end.
Why broadcast to the general public? Probably some hope that somebody, somewhere will pick up when I feel extremely limited on people I can emote with... It seems I've lost touch with most of my family, except my Dad for a variety of reasons. I miss the days of having best friends or neighbors that I did things with on an almost daily basis. I'm craving companionship...
Should I seek professional help? More than likely, yes. Yet my insurance does not have psychiatric services based in Austin. The therapist that was provided thru DARS dropped me about two years ago, because I was not following thru on our action plans. I don't think a general practitioner would do much, aside from prescribing medications. I could always call a suicide hotline, but I'm not pondering suicide, so part of me would feel like I'd be abusing that resource.
So... yet another time thru the bipolar cycle, and another holiday clouded by doubts, and a hope that somebody out there, somewhere will listen...
P.o.t.D. 11/28/15: "Poverty Blues"
To live without cash
Is tough, a marathon dash:
Running on empty...
Is tough, a marathon dash:
Running on empty...
There's this....
general feeling of ennui...
this sense that I've been betrayed...
abandoned...
written off as worthless or fake...
It could be some weird paranoia, with no basis in reality; or it could be quite true, like that gut feeling when you're in a bad relationship.
I'm not good at distance relationships, I think. Stuff that involves letters or phone calls, or trying to communicate past other barriers. I don't think I'm very good at casual chit-chat, either - just trying to connect with others. I don't think I behave like normal people do; it's even been pointed out to me how I remind a lady of her son with Asperger's Syndrome.
It hurts, that I want to be included and accepted, and instead I feel ignored by the majority.
Yet, my experiences do not always integrate well with yours. My stories do not always make sense, or end with a good point or moral. My needs are not always clearly expressed, due to communication barriers. My actions are not always noble, and some times quite destructive.
So, I suffer, even though you see me joking. That makes me wonder if "I need to change my tact", as pointed out by a friend earlier this week. What do I expose to the elements? What do I share?
Could probably write more, but I'm NOT very good at monologues.
general feeling of ennui...
this sense that I've been betrayed...
abandoned...
written off as worthless or fake...
It could be some weird paranoia, with no basis in reality; or it could be quite true, like that gut feeling when you're in a bad relationship.
I'm not good at distance relationships, I think. Stuff that involves letters or phone calls, or trying to communicate past other barriers. I don't think I'm very good at casual chit-chat, either - just trying to connect with others. I don't think I behave like normal people do; it's even been pointed out to me how I remind a lady of her son with Asperger's Syndrome.
It hurts, that I want to be included and accepted, and instead I feel ignored by the majority.
Yet, my experiences do not always integrate well with yours. My stories do not always make sense, or end with a good point or moral. My needs are not always clearly expressed, due to communication barriers. My actions are not always noble, and some times quite destructive.
So, I suffer, even though you see me joking. That makes me wonder if "I need to change my tact", as pointed out by a friend earlier this week. What do I expose to the elements? What do I share?
Could probably write more, but I'm NOT very good at monologues.
grumbling about being alone
There's this....
general feeling of ennui...
this sense that I've been betrayed...
abandoned...
written off as worthless or fake...
It could be some weird paranoia, with no basis in reality; or it could be quite true, like that gut feeling when you're in a bad relationship.
I'm not good at distance relationships, I think. Stuff that involves letters or phone calls, or trying to communicate past other barriers. I don't think I'm very good at casual chit-chat, either - just trying to connect with others. I don't think I behave like normal people do; it's even been pointed out to me how I remind a lady of her son with Asperger's Syndrome.
It hurts, that I want to be included and accepted, and instead I feel ignored by the majority.
Yet, my experiences do not always integrate well with yours. My stories do not always make sense, or end with a good point or moral. My needs are not always clearly expressed, due to communication barriers. My actions are not always noble, and some times quite destructive.
So, I suffer, even though you see me joking. That makes me wonder if "I need to change my tact", as pointed out by a friend earlier this week. What do I expose to the elements? What do I share?
general feeling of ennui...
this sense that I've been betrayed...
abandoned...
written off as worthless or fake...
It could be some weird paranoia, with no basis in reality; or it could be quite true, like that gut feeling when you're in a bad relationship.
I'm not good at distance relationships, I think. Stuff that involves letters or phone calls, or trying to communicate past other barriers. I don't think I'm very good at casual chit-chat, either - just trying to connect with others. I don't think I behave like normal people do; it's even been pointed out to me how I remind a lady of her son with Asperger's Syndrome.
It hurts, that I want to be included and accepted, and instead I feel ignored by the majority.
Yet, my experiences do not always integrate well with yours. My stories do not always make sense, or end with a good point or moral. My needs are not always clearly expressed, due to communication barriers. My actions are not always noble, and some times quite destructive.
So, I suffer, even though you see me joking. That makes me wonder if "I need to change my tact", as pointed out by a friend earlier this week. What do I expose to the elements? What do I share?
27 November 2015
P.o.t.D. 11/27/15: "Feast or Famine?"
No poems made on Turkey Day;
It was spent with friends and feasts.
Many fun games were than played
After we snacked on roast beasts.
Got home, then got on Facebook;
Flooded with thanks from more friends...
Tough to read, to even look,
When I feel crushed, at wit's ends.
Cheers for crumbs, like petting cats,
That can become hearty loaves
When faced with pesky poor facts
That feed this depression's lows.
Ah, but I'm grateful
For friends and family 'round
Sharing lots of love...
It was spent with friends and feasts.
Many fun games were than played
After we snacked on roast beasts.
Got home, then got on Facebook;
Flooded with thanks from more friends...
Tough to read, to even look,
When I feel crushed, at wit's ends.
Cheers for crumbs, like petting cats,
That can become hearty loaves
When faced with pesky poor facts
That feed this depression's lows.
Ah, but I'm grateful
For friends and family 'round
Sharing lots of love...
25 November 2015
P.o.t.D. 11/25/15: "Ambience"
Scanning the air waves,
Hoping to find great music
That will drive my nights...
Hoping to find great music
That will drive my nights...
24 November 2015
P.o.t.D. 11/24/15: "Dawn: Herald of Vivid Colour"
As the light scattered
Across the sunrise sky,
Some clouds were painted violet
And others faded to a bright pink.
While I walked
Towards a fiery orange horizon,
I marvelled at how
Pitch became baby blue.
What spectra would be revealed,
If we let the machine
Try to make sense of it all?
What spectres would be dispelled,
As night is chased away
By what looks to be a sunny day?
Across the sunrise sky,
Some clouds were painted violet
And others faded to a bright pink.
While I walked
Towards a fiery orange horizon,
I marvelled at how
Pitch became baby blue.
What spectra would be revealed,
If we let the machine
Try to make sense of it all?
What spectres would be dispelled,
As night is chased away
By what looks to be a sunny day?
23 November 2015
P.o.t.D. 11/23/15: "patterns?"
Looking for patterns
In Earth's complex patchwork quilt
From simple lives built.
In Earth's complex patchwork quilt
From simple lives built.
22 November 2015
P.o.t.D. 11/22/15: "At night, I wonder"
Oh, quiet nights!
My solace, my refuge, my recharge!
To work in silence,
Cloaked under cover of darkness,
Under that slight chill
Of a grinning Chesire crescent -
That fingernail of God
Pointing out a day done,
Or a dawn to come...
Keeping my solitary company
With the planets and stars,
Not concerned with this blink of man -
Shining brightly like beacons
Of aeons long past,
When we were but stardust.
To marvel in "God's glory",
In the great Whole
And a Path
That leads to the One -
Trying to get all spiritual, now...
But I embrace the sky and the Earth,
And woefully shake my head,
At those who deny it all,
Not caring beyond their death or birth.
We are nothing,
Such insignificant nada,
When mapped against the stars -
It feels so surreal,
Like the movement Dada...
So, let me move in wonder,
Gazing on glorious fires,
Burning way out yonder!
My solace, my refuge, my recharge!
To work in silence,
Cloaked under cover of darkness,
Under that slight chill
Of a grinning Chesire crescent -
That fingernail of God
Pointing out a day done,
Or a dawn to come...
Keeping my solitary company
With the planets and stars,
Not concerned with this blink of man -
Shining brightly like beacons
Of aeons long past,
When we were but stardust.
To marvel in "God's glory",
In the great Whole
And a Path
That leads to the One -
Trying to get all spiritual, now...
But I embrace the sky and the Earth,
And woefully shake my head,
At those who deny it all,
Not caring beyond their death or birth.
We are nothing,
Such insignificant nada,
When mapped against the stars -
It feels so surreal,
Like the movement Dada...
So, let me move in wonder,
Gazing on glorious fires,
Burning way out yonder!
21 November 2015
P.o.t.D. 11/21/15: "Jekyll and Hyde"
Go ahead, drink up!
Gave yourself a drunken rage,
You'll regret today...
Gave yourself a drunken rage,
You'll regret today...
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