This knowledge hunger,
Starved by social media,
Pecking at mere crumbs...

P.o.t.D. 11/30/16

The cream cheese was extra creamy;
That worried me...
"Has it gone bad?"

Just throwing darts in the dark,
Hoping I'll hit a magic number,
Instead of a wall, another block..

Listening to the seconds
Marching into oblivion -
Almost a poetic constanct, that clock..

Muffled sounds of a TV,
Blasing out through Danny's door -
At least it's not...

Can't think of a good line
That rhymes with door,
And yet conveys so much more.

exhaustin and hunger beat me down,
stark reminders that I'm so poor.
so, instead of mumbling aound,
i'm off to sleep, perhaps snore.

Gratitude month, day 30 - endings and closure

What am I thankful for, this November?

Day 30 - Endings and closure

Day 29 - differing opinions
Day 28 - physical affection
Day 27 - humility
Day 26 - bipolar recovery
Day 25 - puzzles and games
Day 24 - science fiction and fantasy
Day 23 - mathematical patterns
Day 22 - country night skies
Day 21 - cultural diversity
Day 20 - weather changes
Day 19 - musical diversity
Day 18 - paradox and illusion
Day 17 - laws
Day 16 - world cuisines
Day 15 - unconditional love
Day 14 - scientific progress
Day 13 - Meetup groups
Day 12 - personal freedoms
Day 11 - strong and deep friendships
Day 10 - positive self-image
Day 9 - the arts
Day 8 - pets
Day 7 - forgiving
Day 6 - housing
Day 5 - amiable nature
Day 4 - debts under control
Day 3 - my education
Day 2 - loving family
Day 1 - good health

"Streaming without emotions" (P.o.t.D. 11/29/16)

A funeral mask,
A stone heart,
The monotone voice...

No interest
In your sports,
Or petty gossips...

"There's this terrible pain
In the diodes
Down my left side."

But, robot that I am,
I still bleed when cut,
And I can still cry
Crocodile tears!

Perhaps the bipolar meds
Have robbed me of emotions,
But at least, with this cocktail,
My brain's moving faster
Than "Slugs on Ice"...

With the number of deaths
That I seem to have dodged,
My mind gets twisted up
In a delusion
Of being a "Millenial Man".

It's silly, really,
Probably encouraged
By reading heavily in sci-fi...

I just want to be
Like other normal men,
Able to feel the feels
Without being overwhelmed;
And to express my loves and hates
Without getting ostracized...

Perhaps, in this life,
I must suffer
These extremes of attachment and aversion;
And to separate the desires from the self,
That I may learn and model
How to be a calm eye in the storms ahead...

Then, my Cyrano,
In parting parries,
Leaves me this final thought:
"Alas, Bean, no lass will you marry"

"I hate this place. This zoo. This prison. This reality, whatever you want to call it, I can't stand it any longer. It's the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your stink and every time I do, I fear that I've somehow been infected by it. "
(Agent Smith, "The Matrix")

"Seasons" (P.o.t.D. 11/28/16)

As I stare across a screen of white lights;
Thinking of snow falling gently, slowing
During winter's cold, brisk, and silent nights...

Peace comes to the mice resting in the earth;
As they hide from the owl's relentless flights
To come out again, upon spring's rebirth...

Children skip about, jarring green fireflies,
While a wind whips up ashes in the hearth
And mom knits in summer, breathing low sighs...

Jack-o-lanterns sit on the porch, glowing,
With promise of candy within their eyes
While a mild autumn breeze begins blowing...

a rant, for what it's worth....

I slept for three hours,
And now I'm awake again...

Living on ten dollars until Thursday,
Locked in this cycle
Of paycheck to paycheck,
Wishing I could see financial relief...

Creature comforts.

I'd like to see Dr. Strange,
To eat out more,
Or have good food to choose from
Instead of the bachelor's fridge...
To enjoy the arts?

Feeling this bare hole in my soul -
No companion to share my strife with,
Or my joys, or simply my time...

I did have an option tonight
To push my exhaustion
And go catch some improv with another -
Alas, my weary bones wanted relief.

It worries me that three hours was enough -
"I'm watching you, bipolar!"

...watching like a slow train wreck,
Tearing up sweet friendships
With poorly planned comments,
And my bizarre humor
Overlooked and mistaken...

...and I feel like some misshapen troll,
digging through the news feed,
hoping for some relief, some release,
Some escape from the chaos of my mind.

Maybe I need more books,
Or perhaps I need to create -
To toss my words
Upon a figurative fire,
And keep my monkeys placated...
Or, possibly, meditation would be best
To find a nugget of peace
In this maelstrom, inside and out?

Sitting at the computer, right now,
I hear the clock ticking,
The fridge humming,
And my radio in my room,
Softly playing classical.
Thankfully, the TV is silent
And the house mates are not up and about.
Solitude in the midnight hour.

I talk of the chaos in my mind,
But words can not describe it...?
For no words are coming quickly,
And I'm so slow to respond,
To form my thoughts into something I understand...

I want a safe space, amongst my friends -
A place that I can go
And say whatever I feel,
Without feeling threatened,
Or feeling like I'm threatening...

I want to go back to the 3rd grade playground,
Where we could pretend to be our D&D characters,
And not be concerned by the mocking of others.

I want to understand why
Those women are cutting me out of their lives,
When I thought I was connecting...
Am I too intense?
Do I obsess too much?
Am I fooling myself,
Thinking I'm independent
When I'm actually codependent?
Who do I remind them of,
That triggers that fear?

Do I end this rant here, tonight,
Or for this moment,
To refuel and recharge some more?

"Obsessed?" (P.o.t.D. 11/27/16)

Reading others' words,
I pray for peace in my mind -
"Silence these demons!"

Take Three?
"I'd like to have a conversation..."
'Oh? On what topic?'
"Synchronicity? Just start talking, and see what strikes a chord?"
'Would you like some musical interludes?'

I'm craving companionship, but I'm tired as white rock road with cracks baked in by the relentless Texas summers...
Not the best analogy, I know... but then, you know my mind comes unhinged, swinging wildly like a screen door in the ten-minute Texas thunderstorms...
'Twould be nice to be pardners, thick as thieves... Alas! I roll down the road, like the tumbleweeds.
...and I shake the dust from my sandals, and I sigh, for then wrote, ye Vandals:

Not sure what to post?
I hear pictures of cats work,
While politics don't...

"Black Friday Lament" P.o.t.D. 11/26/16

Buy, buy, buy, buy more -
Spend the money you don't have -
For what? New bookends?

"Take Two Aspirin..." (P.o.t.D. 11/25/16)

The fabric of society is shot through
With this idea to change the way we feel.

Some methods, like talking it out
And healthy exercise - perhaps yoga;
Or just eating good food instead of grease -
They have their merits,
Which may be discussed down the road...

But, what about
Taking two aspirin,
With or without doctor supervision?

Or, drinking, or drugging,
Our minds into a stupor,
Worse than slugs on ice?

Feel your allergies returning, this year?
Why not self-medicate
With what worked last year,
Or maybe Facebook's suggested potage?

OOooo... you have a chronic illness
That we barely know how to treat?
Try this brand new medicine,
Even though, in ten years,
It may give you diabetic feet...

Got a pain in your back,
And the pain-killers
Are not giving you slack?
Maybe you can fudge the doses...
Quite a slippery track.

It's so easy to feed Big Pharma,
It's so easy to add one more pill,
To build ourselves up to a morning cocktail
Of thirteen or more drugs for our ills...
All the while, not caring or watching
How they interact, or new symptoms instill.

Physician! Heal Thyself!
Do not tell me to "Take Two..."
Tell me how to live well,
That good health will then ensue,
For I am not a lab rat
From which your data accrues...

...and this is but one facet,
With no mention of
Tobacco, alcohol,
And all the rest...
I need to let my mind stew,
Before observing those best...

----- poem seeds below ------

Take the zyprexia to feel better,
Get diabetes ten years later...

Cocktail of 17 pills day and night,
Whose effects have no foresight.

Got a pain in the back...
take a pain killer...

if we legalize it,
then the criminal activity drops...
but what about the abuse?

P.o.t.D. 11/24/16

A poem about crap:
The pains jalapenos bring -
What relief is there?

"Company at 3 a.m." (P.o.t.D. 11/23/16)

I think I'm alone
But cars whiz by, frogs ribbit,
Snails crunch under feet..?

"Trainwreck" (P.o.t.D. 11/22/16)

Watching this train wreck
Advance slowly, building steam
To leave tracks unclean.

"Distracted" (P.o.t.D. 11/21/16)

I try to focus,
Yet my mind wanders, wonders
At every sound...

"Winter warmth" (P.o.t.D. 11/20/16)

Curled up with a cathartic hot cocoa
As the fire crackles and snaps,
Giving out their own heats
To warm me through and through,
Inside and out
From weary foot
To quiet depths of a kind heart.

"Asthma's Release?" (P.o.t.D. 11/18/16)

As the allergies attack me,
Robbing me of sleep so adored,
I toss and turn throughout the day;
And with this misery I become so bored...

I have some zest for life, still,
But physically I want to be free of this corpse -
Just falling through a rooftop full of leaves
Smothered and covered, with breaths no more.

"Lamenting Grabby People" (P.o.t.D. 11/19/16)

It saddens me,
That I'm forced to think globally -
To keep an eye on the neighbors
That their poison does not spread...

Actually, I wish no poison was used,
And, in harmony, we act fused,
For everyone's good,
Instead of fat cats getting fatter...

If we could break free of carbon,
And protect, instead of kill, our bees;
If we could love planet and neighbor -
That would make me so very pleased.

Here's where I'd spin off on a tirade -
But I've been worn down, beat down,
So bloody, plumb old tired...
That I hope my anger is not needed
In future edits, when all these poems get wired.

That reminds me,
That I must create a foundation for next year.
I wonder if blogger can capture my hopes,
Or will I have to look for another site
To bind all these poems together with silken ropes.

As I said, I'm tired;
Maybe, on caffeine, a tad wired -
I hope my efforts may get me hired,
Assuming, we all survive "You're Fired!"

"Ozymandias" (P.o.t.D. 11/17/16)

What was left unscathed,
But some obscene shrine to hate,
Amid ruins of state...?

"Signal to Noise" (rough draft, P.o.t.D. 11/16/16)

Where's the signals in all of the noise?
What are the currents driving our state?

All the people in their bubbles
Fostering deep insane hate
For any who are others...

Even rationality unravels
As it runs head-on
Into the crowd's wall of ignorance

Or petty little gossips
Concerned about a dress's color
Instead of a Martian milestone.

You might counter, "I'll just post pictures
Of family, and food, and cats!"
OK, maybe cats eating family feast

In this season of Thanksgiving.
In my heart, it feels like
We've lost our direction

And we're drifting downstream
Into dangerous rapids,
Where all that will be left will be static.

"Tears from on High" (P.o.t.D. 11/15/16)

Delicate snowflake
Melting on my tongue - it tastes
Salty, bittersweet...

"Cuties, a Year Later" (P.o.t.D. 11/14/16)

Eight cuties before me today,
Chilled for a month, and yet,
How succulent and sweet they tasted
Over a course of several minutes -
Eat them one by one, popped whole,
Sweet juices squirting so!

Alas.. the quarter hour is not complete,
Without that Pink Floyd song,
Hiding, "in the front of my mind..?"

"Puppet's Lament" (P.o.t.D. 11/14/16)

I dance before you,
Stumbling over my two feet,
Controlled by cords linked...

"Beware Unbridled Anger" (alternate) P.o.t.D. 11/13/16

I feel so alone
On this planet with its hate...
We made U.S. great?
------------
I feel so alone
On this planet with its hate...
Made America great?
--------------
Be careful, Jody Bean, of charging ahead,
Guided by unbridled anger, free of reins...
For a cliff lies ahead, ro which that horse may be blind.....

Can we survive the tumble over its edge?

"Beware Unbridled Anger" P.o.t.D. 11/13/16

I feel so alone
On this planet with its hate...
We made U.S. great?

"Start with Purple" (P.o.t.D. 11/12/16)

I will try to wear a safety pin,
For as long as it takes
To feel brave enough
To talk down the hate
And talk with the scared...

As a first step,
I will adorn it with a purple ribbon -
So regal and supporting so much.

Here's a short list of purple's causes,
At least the ones that I feel
That I can relate to:

Celebrating military kids,
Like my mom's siblings...

Three forms of cancer,
Like the pancreatic my friend has,
The testicular that Movember highlights,
And the gynecological -
Possibly seen in the dehumanizing abuses
That women must face daily...

Purple also pushes back against
Bullying, and hopes to prevent suicides -
Reminding us to remember teens
Who were stigmatized for their orientations...

While we're at it,
Remember that purple wants to protect
Victims of domestic violence...

Let's also raise a violet flag half-mast
To remember those lost to drug overdoses...

Some other illnesses include
Migraines, lupus, fibromalgia, and Alzheimer's -
Which can all tear away at the soul...

One last bit from Wikipedia,
Tells me purple is for Worker's Memorial Days...

So, with heavy heart,
I will start wearing purple,
Wishing for a peaceful world
Where the combated ills were no more...

It's not a plain safety pin,
As I don't know if I can shoulder that burden,
But could it be baby steps
For me and other privileged white men?

"11/11 rant" (P.o.t.D. 11/11/16)

Time to re-train my bedeviled brain
To stand up against oppression,
Especially sly, under-handed tricks
That may masquerade as "innocent jokes"
That hide deadly de-humanizing stings.

My mind peels away from the roiling fear -
In myself, in others..
fuck

no poem here

exhaustion has taken its toll
and i feel myself going fetal

i want the voice of sanity
to step in, to say it'll all be all right

i want comfort
and i hate the conflict
but america's always been at war
maybe some sick alpha male gratification:
"if we can beat ______,
we will show we were the better country!"

while our children try to copy our bullying,
making a mockery of our "day-care center education system"

...and we learn nothing.

i once heard, take it for what its worth,
that innovation basically came from conquest and exploration....
so, please, y'all can we get on with exploring Mars
and tapping clean energy
and learning to live together with each other
instead of with our stereotypes and prejudices?

does it count as exploration
if we try to take the time
to learn about different sub-cultures,
instead of trying to "white-wash" them all in our suppressions?

how does that go again?
"Let's build a longer table
Instead of a higher fence."

I wonder what sins are running rampant?
Greed? Envy? Sloth?

Did I ever tell you the time
That I made sandwiches for my former housemate,
When he approached me on the streets,
Asking for some help?

Just some raw words, and a tired old Bean,
Who would rather be asleep,
If only this anxiety and these allergies
Weren't shooting that all to Hell...
But I need to sleep, so I will sign off.

"Angry Poet?" P.o.t.D. 11/10/16

Lost in the swirling maelstrom of gossip and opinions
Fed to me by media, just trying to earn their paychecks,
I become jaded, disinterested, unfocused
Just looking for some light at the end of the tunnel...

I shudder to think that the light I so desperately seek
Might turn out to be an atom bomb,
Laying waste with equal measure to the strong and the meek.

Or there's red flags, false warnings raised yonder
While the nation quickly dissolves, grows less fonder.

This is my attempt to be an angry poet?

"Darkness beckons" (P.o.t.D. 11/9/16)

Picking through the tangled threads and dark clouds
Of this maniac's busy mind of mine,
I yearn for, thirst for, some simple white shrouds
Under which, the worms, on my body, dine.

"Missing Mania" (P.o.t.D. 11/8/16)

The slips and sparks throughout my brain
Have dulled, making docs call me "sane"?

If only there was some level of self control,
My creative life could arise, not this droll...

As passion's embers dull to dusty gray ash,
I trudge on, barely aware of this life's path...

On the Eve of Trump's Election

ah, the anxiety!!

Like being tied to the ground,
Under a grand magnifying glass -
Waiting for the sun to creep along it's track....

Or is it grabbing at any news,
Hoping for some grand answer
That's lost in the leaves of time,
Long since fallen from the Tree of Knowledge
And mocked by serpents
With their silver tongues...?

"Job Market" (P.o.t.D. 11/7/16)

There's a gulf in our jobs, today...
Passed-up service work, at low pay;
Crazy skills cobbled together
Just to get a foot in the door
For high tech spots, or so they say.

"As I watch..." P.o.t.D. 11/6/16

As I watch waves of anger boil up...
As the radio plays Vangelis' "Light and Shadow"...

This poem begins to meander,
Weaving round the road ahead
Like a drunk driver, instead
Of going down a worn smooth tread.

As I watch the angry debates unfold
Between Democratic daughter and Christian father...

I wonder about many family's relations,
About all their debates on the nation,
And how love stokes the flames
Into lower and lower elevations?

As I watch anger sweep the media...
The radio now plays Desplat's "Canto at Gabelmeister's Peak"...

Everyone fighting, just to be heard,
Interrupting, stepping on each others' word -
Can't we return to that peaceful scene
When upon the podium landed a bird?

As I watch, anger poisons my sight,
And queue Morricone's "L'Arena"...

I wish to retreat, and hide from the turmoil,
In the hopes that my blood does not boil,
Or the stress leads to an early grave,
Where my tortured mind rests in the soil.

...and queue Philip Glass, "Mosque and Temple" from "Powaqqatsi"
...and all these first world problems are swept aside,
As I think that I should be grateful
For food, shelter, and love
And yet anger lurks,
Waiting to seize upon our differences -
Ah, the cultural divides. *sigh*

no care I, if this makes sense...

i crave conversation and unwinding and relaxing -
or so i claim in this moment...

dusting off that surface thought,
I realize that i want intellectual stimulation....

i probably also want physical stimulation

bad timing, though, as i feel 8 hours of sleep
slipping through my feeble grasp of time

maybe i'll find relief in the gifts of the Sandman?

so, now, i'll set my clock black,
duck under the covers
and hope that caffeine does not foil dreams.

"Tarot Unfolding" (P.o.t.D. 11/5/16)

Like some ticking time bomb,
Counting down with loaded images,
My mind played out the Tarot scenes:

Ten of Pentacles,
A fulfillment of wealth...

Nine of Swords -
Was pain, but was it
Physical or Mental?

Eight of Wands...
And I picture the strife scene,
But was it remembered incorrectly?

Ah, but Seven of Cups,
Reaching for delusions,
Lost in a fantasy of wealth...

Why did the cards root themselves
In the caverns of my mind?
What truths paranormal
Are crowding into my sight?
How is my subconscious trying
To warn me of future plight?

...or was it all some ploy
to short-circuit a share,
to make connections
with other mystics
who may be out there?

P.o.t.D. 11/4/16

Walking 'round Austin,
I fill my ears with sweet noise
For my brain's focus.

"The Murphy Bill?" (P.o.t.D. 11/3/16)

A chance encounter,
And my head's spinning...

There's a Murphy Bill in Congress,
Full of some lengthy legalese;
But this bad bill was boiled down,
Upon allpoetry.com,
To indicate drugs and treatments
Will be forced on mentally ill...

A second site, linked from the poem,
(Blogs written by a bipolar?)
Tells us all that this bill only
Has support from the families
Of the mentally ill, and yet
Has no support from the same ill.

Trying to read the legalese
And its jargon clouds the issues
So, I write the following "poem"
Hoping for some help with all these
Conflicting camps of interest...

"My first thoughts are that
This bill reacts to the guns
Used horribly now -

Yet Orwell rises,
As I think of force-fed pills,
Medicated crowds

All lock-step marching
To feed Big Pharm and doctors
Who lack compassion."

That is my knee-jerk reaction,
From what I have perused thus far,
Thinking about 1800's...
When mentally ill were locked up,
Secured there to be forgotten.

"Ode to the Washroom" (P.o.t.D. 11/2/16)

In what room am I locked
Where whiskers seek basins,
Mirror images mocked,
And we leave like raisins?

"Attracting abundance" (P.o.t.D. 11/1/16)

Abundance wishes
Put into the universe -
Law of attraction?

"I snooze, I lose" (P.o.t.D. 10/31/16)

I slept in today.
Now, rushing to get tasks done -
That's never much fun.

(untitled) (P.o.t.D. 10/30)

Some poem about cats
Eludes me in the shadows
Of my many lives...

"Manifestation..?" (P.o.t.D. 10/29)

Positive forces
Gather 'round, to shape my life
And cease inner strife.

"What can I believe?" (P.o.t.D. 10/28)

My maths are patterns
With little inspiration -
Science seems better?

"Tropical?" (P.o.t.D. 10/27)

Listen to a Mediterranean beat,
Played on classical guitar, in Autumn heat...

Imagine salsa and tangos,
And savoring juicy mangos...

Feel the sultry charge of electricity -
Let's celebrate this Spanish ethnicity!

As we dance the night away,
Sweet memories linger on
When we wake to face the day -
When will we dance once again?

"Money woes" (P.o.t.D. 10/26/16)

Nickled and dimed to death...
"Can't I live without money?"
He wished, with his last breath...
Alas, he lived and he died,
Caught up in the matrix.

"Late Night Snacks" (P.o.t.D. 10/25/16)

Beware comfort foods
As they call after midnight
But they're not healthy!

"Slap! Why'd I Stay in Bed?" (P.o.t.D. 10/24/16)

Sleeping time away,
Slipping duties of the day,
Leaves My Way sloppy...

"Dance lessons" (P.o.t.D. 10/23/2016)

As I dance with the Fates, I still stumble
Round life's grand ballroom - a marionette
With frayed and tangled strings...

Looking askance at facts makes me grumble
At some truth obscured by its silhouette,
Missing the finer things...

Karma loops in its phase, shifts the jumble
To reveal an intricate minuet -
Lessons from beginnings.

"Partially Considering Illness and Injury" (P.o.t.D. 10/22/16)

Is this bizarre life,
Some Old God's card trick
Or roll of a die
For illness to pick?

As deadly cancer creeps up on my friends
And I wonder if my skin is benign,
The Fates just cut fast, choosing threads to end...
Leaving the rest at wakes, to wine and dine.

So many bullets dodged,
Times that I, too, could have died
By robbers or cars...

I've even advanced my life's severance,
Popping pills upon pills, and passing out -
Came out of coma with kidneys crippled
As Armstrong in space 'gain, 'midst Homer's "Doh's"...

Back pains plague me now,
And I know not why.
I suspect work fouls
From moves not so wry.

"Sensory Transmutation - First Attempt"

Saxophone plays upon my ears,
Like the caress of smooth velvet
Or popping buttered brussel sprouts
Or perhaps scent of a summer rose;
And I look long upon the babbling brook...

"Insomnia" (P.o.t.D. 10/21/16)

God, it's 3:08
In the weird hours of the night;
Why am I still up?

"Static"

Electricity
Makes my toys run, my toes curl,
My hair stands on end...

"Writing about nothing?" (P.o.t.D. 10/20)

I know nothing!

...what a negative thought that is...

I'm impressionable,
Not yet set in my ways,
And even eager to learn so much more!

...spin it again, Sam...

I approach this world with wonder,
Curious to learn
About the origins of lightning and thunder!

...so do I transmute bad to good?

Meditation: Career Direction

What is my ideal career?

- working 4 days per week, up to 12 hours per day (8 is preferred)?
- or setting my own schedule, but still being able to stay busy, 4 days per week...
- work tasks do not follow me home, usually

- earning enough money, to:
= meet my standard bills,
= set aside for retirement,
= and still grow my savings each month...

- staying active, at work, most of the time
- has some element of physical exercise?

- makes use of my knowledge of mathematics, and/or problem-solving skills
- possibly has me writing and/or creating

- engages with other people, as a regular part of the job
- encourages others' growth, instead of feeding their addictions

------------------------

So, is this where I go grab that STRONG career assessment, and post the top ten results, to be scrutinized?
Yes, I think I shall do that...:

So, here's my top five career areas:
1. Science
2. Writing and Mass Communication
3. Mathematics
4. Research
5. Visual Arts & Design

Next, here are my top ten occupations:
1. Technical Writer
2. Computer Programmer
3. Librarian
4. Psychologist
5. Science Teacher
6. Editor
7. Optometrist
8. Sociologist
9. Arts/Entertainment Manager
10. Computer Systems Analyst

Background: This all comes out of the Strong Interest Inventory Profile with College Profile; where I answered about 150 questions about my like or dislike of common work tasks. There's more results, but I certainly agree with most of the recommended careers and career areas.

Part Three: Attachment and Unmanageability

Being able to manage one's life is an illusion, smoke and mirrors.

Buddhism tells me that attachment and aversion create suffering, and the best I can do is eliminate the desire. Just sit with the situation, accepting what is happening and interacting with the world in a position of neutrality. The outcomes and destinations are not as important as the journeys.

So, we try not to have a higher power, in the sense that we do not try to steer towards outcomes that give us pleasure, or away from those that give us pain. I do not delude myself that being kind to another guarantees reciprocation; but I also DO try to be kind, to plant the seed of compassion. Similarly, I try to pay my bills in a timely fashion, because this will likely reduce my suffering in the future - calls from bill collectors are not much fun.

I use my higher power(s) to guide my life; but I watch how those powers transmute my life. Even then, my correlations may be faulty, at times, and what I might blame on one guide may, in reality of some other area shaping my life.

Why did I write this? Because I feel that depending on higher powers will not eliminate all of our lives' unmanageability.

Part Two: Depending on a Higher Power

Both in my alcoholic life, and my sober life, I have depended on higher powers than myself.

In my addictions, I structured my life around getting the next drink, or the next cigarette, or (currently) my next cup of caffeine. For example, I planned my life around drinking with friends who drank like I did, spending time at the bar, spending my money on alcohol instead of rent... I tried to make sure I always had cigarettes, even through the first seven years of sobriety. Also, I usually hung out with the smokers after the meetings. These days, I have become fearful of caffeine headaches, and try to make sure I have coffee or tea handy...

With drugs and food, I'm reordering my life, sometimes without thought, in order to make sure they are always easily available. Part of this is because I crave the chemical rush, the quick elation that they provide. When I was drinking or drugging, this elation weakened as my tolerance went up, causing me to seek even more of the same. I did not try to address the underlying issues causing anxiety in my life, though.

With AA and psychotherapy, I am getting some slower relief from the areas of anxiety in my life. However, it took facing some pretty big fears of how people would view me, if I disclosed those areas of anxiety. I am forever thankful that a man asked if he could sponsor me, that he took a time to work with me at my 9 months of sobriety; because he was the St. George who helped slay my fear dragons. (I need to follow his example, I think.)

I do not claim to be working a perfect AA program today, or to still use psychotherapy to good effect. I know that prayer and meditation are proving to be difficult to "see any results". I know that I am slow to make amends, when needed. I suspect that laziness is at work: "What's the least amount of effort that I can get away with, and still have some contentment?" I've seen people meltdown between 6 to 15 years of sobriety because they stopped working the program, or they got away from the group, or "life began happening, again"...

My own experience is that I've spent at least 4 years now, getting more and more involved in the gaming community in South Austin. I like to think of it as a fun hobby to take part in... However, I was spending 4 nights per week, playing games; and that edged out other activities, like AA meetings or live music or the writing group. With the new job, my gaming has been curtailed, and, yes, I think I've gone through a bit of withdrawal...

So, to me, I want to say the higher power is what gives your life meaning and purpose and satisfaction. What makes you want to live today?

Just be careful, though, because chasing that attraction might ripple through your life and disrupt your ability to meet your commitments, too...

Part One: Seven Areas Prone to Addiction

There was a presentation by Dr. Loving on seven common life areas where people develop addictions.

The seven areas are:
1) Drugs, including alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine
2) Food, which could overlap with 1) easily...
3) Sex and relationships
4) Work
5) Exercise
6) Gambling (possibly gaming, too) and also shopping (Money management)
7) Spirituality

I saw this while I was enrolled in Shoal Creek's Renaissance out-patient program, in the first month or so of my sobriety, and it still sticks with me, even today. Especially, as I've seen my addiction targets change their stripes, switching from one area to another. It is possible to engage in these areas with some moderation; such as eating enough food to stay healthy... However, I must remember that the medical definition of addiction, paraphrased, is engaging in any activity or substance to the point that it negatively impacts one or more areas of our life.

"Math Teacher's Anxiety" (P.o.t.D. 10/19/16)

"Knowledge is power" -
The clue to solve the puzzle
That opened the door...

Another weekend,
And our puzzle crew stares blank,
Hoping insights come...

Now my poor math brain
Is challenged for fun and games
At seventh grade's pains...

So, I ask myself,
"Am I idiot savant,
Or just unaware?"

Maybe meta-math
Thinking is called for, to make
These codes relevant.