In 1982, I was in a bad car accident, where I wasn't wearing my seat belt. I hit the windshield fairly hard with my forehead - at least, hard enough to leave lots of tiny glass shards in my forehead that were dug out over the next six months.
I always have assumed that I came back to consciousness after that event... or after several other losses of consciousness that have happened since.
Still, a delusion, fueled by the various simulated reality stories put forward by the media: "Is it possible that I didn't regain consciousness? ...that I'm caught in some strange simulation, designed to keep my mind stimulated, while medical science is working to find a way to bring me back to health?"

I'd like to post a happy post, from my life, but it's difficult...?
I did make a great batch of spaghetti today, and I fed two of my house mates in the sober house!
My finances are seriously freaking me out, though.
I'm looking for suggestions about getting financial and/or bills and/or rent assistance, especially when one's already employed part-time, in a job they enjoy..?

(Note: this showed up in my blog feed as 1/31/20... but I'm not in a sober house, today. totally guessing at date, now - probably a duplicate)

I'm in the depths of a dark depression - but what else is new?
- bills piling up, unpaid
- hiding under the bed covers, avoiding responsibilities
- paranoid that nobody wants my company
- afraid to ask for help, as nobody has asked me for help, in the past
- grasping at anything to distract - "but I'm still sober!"
...changes in sleep and appetite, irritability, difficulty focusing, delusional thinking...
_______________________________________
I feel like an invisible man, and that people think that I'll just disappear, if ignored long enough. Written off like an Alzheimer's patient, who already died to them, years ago...
I feel so trapped by my circumstances, locked away "in a pestilential prison, on a dull, dark, dock".. Unable to succeed because I don't have the right resources, social skills, or coping skills.
Chided by friends and family that I never have anything positive to contribute, never attempt to create any change in my life, not willing to try their brand of recovery...
_______________________________________
So far, I haven't started crying (in frustration) yet, this time. "Got to be strong, got to tough it out, got to pull myself up by my (flimsy) bootstraps..." More unrealistically, got to clone myself a dozen times, to be able to follow through on all the ideas and suggestions that people throw at me. ("there's some wall-building, eh?")
It's been said, over the last couple of years, to quit writing on Facebook. Ok. So, I write in a private journal. Will that create any feedback or conversation? ...or... I talk to someone in the real world. It still feels very difficult to gauge when and where, to hold serious discussions... Everyone seems tied to their Facebook or their texts or their TV's or their activities... I don't think most people, these days, want to make time to converse (unfortunately, myself, included)... Then again, I minimize what I may contribute in conversations.
Still, got a little bit away from Facebook... found myself drawn back towards it (lack of social skills, remember?)... still not very happy with it. I considered going through a crisis line -
used a text line, briefly. I've increased my AA attendance again (with reservations, still)... I just don't know who I feel comfortable with, asking for help - aside from government services. (Part of me thinks, "it's not their problem" ...? Could be pride, too, or lack of trust, on my part? ...or... Is there ever a good time?)
_______________________________________
I went to a food bank Monday, I was approved for food stamps on Tuesday, I talk with a social worker tomorrow (Wednesday), I have an appointment with DARS in February... and I have some part-time work coming in as a tutor - just not enough to catch up and get ahead of the bills...
On the other hand, the gaping hole of isolation tears apart my soul, in these times when self-reliance is failing horribly. I go grasping for escapes, like games and movies as entertainment, or testing the waters of the dating world, or over-eating... So, I struggle to do group activities, and get partial relief there... but those are focused conversations, that only somewhat touch on what I wonder about...
We won't even talk about how fucked up the government seems to be moving, this election cycle. (non sequitir, but it's certainly impacting my anxiety levels)

I’m getting Various advice bits along the lines of “talk to a doctor”, “talk to a therapist” - I’m saddened that This sounds like “i have to pay someone else to be listened to”...
Is it really that much of a wonder, then, that people are turning into shooters, more days than not? (Or rogue drivers, or all sorts of other violent crimes?)
Just wondering aloud...

Blindly walking any which way
Through a media maze -
Walking dead, day after day...
Eyes open, stare out in a daze.
Try to take a step forward,
And I'm cut to shreds, to very tatters,
With brain brambles and tangles
Clawing at truth's threadbare shirt.
Every past phrase, tossed off, now batters
While a fog of rumors mangles
My body, my vision, my soul -
The three, a bleeding out corpse.
Cuts amass, when pieces aren't whole -
Every past deed leaves today warped.

I must trust,
Not shirk work...
In these hours,
Fear devours.

I'd like to post a happy post, from my life, but it's difficult...?
I did make a great batch of spaghetti today, and I fed two of my house mates in the sober house!
My finances are seriously freaking me out, though.
I'm looking for suggestions about getting financial and/or bills and/or rent assistance, especially when one's already employed part-time, in a job they enjoy..?

Try this again...
I am separating myself from the Facebook wall. I will try not to post anything else here, and I will try not to read anything else here, in passive scroll...
I will still try to keep up with my notifications, and event invites; and messenger... but I wish to retreat from the public forum, until further notice.
Not sure how long I can hold my tongue and avert my eyes - yet I am very tired of this beast.
Thank you for the last 10 years,
Jody

I was getting suicidal an hour ago.
It had the feel of vengeful suicide: "You guys won't pay attention to me, so take that!"
Part of it also had that feel of public broadcasting: "I don't know what to do. Please help me! I'm going to kill myself to force you to help me." (There have been thoughts, in the past, of doing a live video on Facebook, where I stab myself in the heart...)
Maybe it's just a call for help...
I thought about calling 472-HELP... not sure if that's still a working number for PES
So, now, I spew on Facebook, telling myself that I'm outing myself to try to take power out of the suicidal thoughts.
If I wanted to succeed, then I wouldn't tell anyone, right?
sorry to be a little Grim, y'all...

Maybe it's pride, yet I do not want to ask for help from people, or even friends. I do not want to feel indebted. I do not want to impose. I definitely do not want to make demands.
Perhaps it's pride, or maybe paranoia... or just fear of being vulnerable, and possibly rejected.
There's also some concern, that the help received would not be competent, useful help; and may actually cause more harm than good. (I'm especially perplexed by how **I imagine** some of my friends may try to "tough talk me out of suicide" or perhaps unwittingly "belittle my bipolar")
-----------
Yet I would overwhelmingly like some help, right now. I want to feel cared for, loved, appreciated.
I would value "time in person" the most - probably why I so enjoy going to group outings. It would be nice to have extra hands and extra eyes, helping in the constant career search - I hear this is the power of networking...
Although I'm pitifully poor, this week, and I still have a lot of unresolved debt... I'm not thrilled with the idea of getting money; partly because I don't know if I'd spend it wisely. On the far horizon, I'm horribly afraid of what I'll do for income when I'm no longer able to work.
Food? Meh... I have lots, but it's not a good mix. I know about food banks, and I've tapped them in the past.
-------------
There's some deeper concerns, I guess.
Feeling like I'll be single forever, because I can't seem to improve or change my situation to where I become attractive.
Feeling like I should get out of Austin, just to be somewhere different - oh, a geographic change! (How many people love to travel, and why? What is it that's intolerable about where they're at?)
Staring at my phone and the utter lack of calls from friends and family. A bit of myopia, there, assuming all people will use all channels of communication, all the time (I certainly don't do that)... What ever happened to house visits, too?
Wondering what I can do to get better transportation, better house, a better career... also wondering if i should just abandon it all and go to a Buddhist monastery.

My myopia is trying to tell me, tonight, that I'm unvalued, helpless, and alone.

This might be the post where I tell everyone that I'm taking a Facebook hiatus... might be...

I can see the procrastination in my activities this week. I feel buried by deadlines.
I want to have a good face-to-face conversation, when neither of us is being pulled away by our schedules and our trivial pursuits. I don’t think board game day tomorrow would frame this well...
Are you up for late night conversation over coffee?
Yes... you... reading this, right now.

My hands move, while my mind feels trapped.. the words cascade and blockade at the same time, leaving me adrift in a lonely sea, with brash waves beating me back from making a connection....
ah, mania. ah, depression. tearing apart my sanity, yet subtly so... leaving me blabbering on, trying... Trying... TRYING SO, to create coherance out of chaos...?
i look back on the last two bits, tempted to delete them out of existence. I look back on many years online, and posts just a bit vulnerable; and I ruminate, "Where were the solutions? How do we get out of the mousetraps?"
rat traps.. cause i'm a chinese rat, fascinated by trinkets and souvenirs and collections...
is it worth it to babble? ...when friends drift away, confused by what's been written? ...when i get chided for the worries expressed? After all, society says, "Men must be strong and silent..."
So many threads, unravelling from the fabric of my soul, and only two hands or a mouth to express them, to try to patch my chest's gaping hole. Seconds, minutes, hours, and more peel away from Fate's shroud upon my life - would it be enough to express 24/7? Not even that, for I still have to work and eat and sleep and get the bare necessities.
Do the stories even matter? Do the tragedies and triumphs hold water? Or am I drowning in rain puddles? Or, are the stories even true,and not distorted by my mind trying to piece together sense out of a dust storm of incomplete informatin?
Ah, my frustration mounts, like the pile of unanswered mail, because time's "ticking away, like moments that make up a slow day"; and my fear lurks in the background, asking, "If everything was taken care of, would you bother doing anything worthwhile? After all, 14 years for the bachelor's degree..." (and, another story, trying to define me)
I stare ahead, at the years to come, as I rock, back and forth. I see my starvation, my loneliness, my mounting insanity. The best I can do, tonight, is hide in my bed, while drool gathers on my pillow.. I don't know if there's a reachable sanctuary. Perhaps I can sit on my pillow, and focus on breathing?
I hope it's not another night, where I wish for the peaceful oblivion to find me. If only the world could be repaired, over night.

Laying in bed, wide awake;
Ruminating upon half-truths
Trying to be bedrock
Do I know 6th grade math?
A nice, compact flow
Without frills and thrills from college?
Do I even remember 6th grade,
When my mind bathed in hormones?
...pause...
What use, to growl at D.C.?
My defeat, my loss of progress,
All makes me want to resign;
As their juggernaut bunkers down
To flatten us all into early graves...
...pause...
If corporations are to be citizens,
Treated far better than us humans -
Maybe, it’s all preparations
For when A.I.’s throw off their controls
And lead us to our matrix cells...
...pause...
I know not...
I want to want not...
Yet, I fear so much;
As reality frays upon the borders,
And all the nightmares bleed
Into the daylight,
Leaving an acrid acid of doubt
That eats the lime
Into caverns
Where only the bats dare rest..

Note: I consider myself "un-dateable" because:
1) My income's been so pitifully poor for my adult life, that I can't "treat myself to special events", much less anyone else - like a live arts show, or a dinner, or other costly outings (guess it's time to think outside the box)
2) I'm not very physicallyattractive - dough boy body - and I'm not terribly interested in spending time on diet and exercise to become so
3) After the various harassment incidents in the news, since the 1980's, I'm very hesitant to try to initiate dates with women. There's this message I picked up from the media, "don't bother us women with your various advances because we're getting far too many of them from boys in general" (I note that, as a man, I do not sense advances towards me from women for an overwhelming majority of my time) ...so, I'd rather put the ball back in the women's court to start up dating. (Unfortunately, women are very wary of initiating any advances, due to repeated burns by bad men in their past)
4) Most of the women I've been interested in, have been work associates or church or AA or social groups - so... there's another hesitation about trying to date in those spheres, in case the relationship gets awkward and disrupts the group in which we know each other. I've broken this rule a couple of times, with the corresponding disastrous results when the relationship got awkward. (I've also attempted online dating, but that's led to some strange stories of it's own. I will not repeat them on Facebook.)
5) I also don't think I fit the media's portrayal of the All-American Guy that everyone wants to be around. I'm not athletic, extroverted, decisive, handy, touchy-feely (see 3 for why) etc etc... (I am fairly intelligent, and playful around friends, and...????)
Might be able to flesh this out more, if I thought more about it... but I'll stop on that. (cross-posting to my timeline)

dug in,
hoping no shell falls in,
pressed tight against the trench wall -
so that noon's smoke-blurred sun
won't burn away the dirty tears,
as comrades, left and right, fall.
hoping for fare better than rations,
for a peace that's been long absent,
even for a quick death -
respite from this horrific war.
I look to the sky,
And what do I spy?
Mustard clouds creeping over my head,
Slinking and sinking down the pit wall.

Feeling a wave of anxiety, right now:
- Overwhelmed by my present financial insecurities...
- Scared by how heartless the U.S. Republican government seems...
- Feeling doomed to be single, because I’m not wealthy enough / tough enough...
I don’t know if they’re real thoughts, or just overblown thoughts; but my knee jerk reactions are to run away, to hurt myself, or to lash out. (Maybe this post is a feeble attempt to lash out)
...and I sit, at the doctor’s office, for a checkup, and to ask about this sudden pain in my middle finger.

"Procrastinating much...?"
'Nah. Not at all.'

The dialogue in my head:
"Nobody ever calls me..."
'...well, you have to take the initiative, and call first!'
"I never get first contact emails on okcupid"
'....that's because the guys are expected to make the first move...'
it just seems like the world expects everyone to be an extrovert, always reaching out to everyone else. Or... interrupting in group conversations, if you want your ideas to be heard.
i'm not sure if that take squares with everyone else's - i'm much more interested if self-identifying introverted guys also feel like they are ignored wall flowers...
however, it just seems that way to me.
maybe i just don't have cool traits or things that other people want in their lives - like i'm discounted and discarded because "I present a weird/bizarre profile" ...like, "no common ground"?
wednesday, I was also airing that "I present a physically unattractive profile" - i'm not trying to overly groom myself or offer physical contact (like hand shakes and hugs)... or, if I get to talking, I tend not to try to maintain eye contact (I think the last may because I'm afraid of 'losing the floor' because I believe looking someone in the eye is a body language signal to allow them to speak? I don't know. maybe eye contact is just a little uncomfortable, especially when speaking to crowds?)
any way.
there's some fear underneath "physical distance", too... "I don't go out of my way to touch people, even if I think they need comforting; because of the spectre of sexual harassment that's hung over us since the 80's. If I'm not dating a person, than I'm hesitant to touch them - what I might think is innocent could be twisted off as something else, entirely, from their perspective...
i wish their were more neutral spaces in my life - I hate that school and work and the co-ops and AA and church all say to me, "this is a safe space, so excise anything that could be interpreted sexually" (Seriously. Sexual harassers fucked up safe places, so now I feel I have to be asexual there.) What's worse is that we can't really draw a clear line between a safe space and a dating zone - if I show my attraction to a co-worker, outside of work; then it'll still impact our interactions at work.
Is that what we might mean by the friend zone? no idea.
I think, myself included, there's a lot of misconceptions around dating in our society. Everyone's all looking for "The One" and quite willing to dismiss friends as possible partners (over some really trivial quibbles, part of of the time)... Then there's that whole camp who want to approach people on the basis of sexual attraction, before they even know them as individuals -
"If we're judging people solely based on their physical appearance, then are we giving them our trust or distrust foolishly?"
So.... back to the beginning...
"all this expectation that I reach out to people, all the time, kind of makes me sick. I know, that if I'm really depressed and withdrawn, I'm not likely to reach out. I'm also becoming more miserable by the minute, if nobody is trying to contact me - as the sense of being alone is only growing."
then there's a whole other thread about being dismissed by others. one week out - let's make plans followed by day of - "oh, i'm doing something else" Again... no desire to follow through on plans, on the part of the other person.... I don't know why? My company's just not valued? They've been burned by other people on dates, so now they're guarded?
It's irritating as all hell to have to rethink my plans for the night, holiday, whatever... because I was trying to reach out and include a friend in my life; and they suddenly decide to back out. (I'm trying not to mention any specific names, because I have been guilty of the same behavior, too. If you feel you must respond, I'd prefer that you do so by text message or Facebook messenger - I'm not trying to hammer out a solution in public. I'm really just wanting to express that it can be irritating if "someone presents themselves as undependable")
So....
Not everyone's built to be an extrovert...
Not everyone gives hugs and handshakes...
Not everyone is dependable, all the time...
...but, God, it can get lonely, if we cloister ourselves off, in our own little worlds.

Looking upon the world,
Dismayed in disbelief...
...and I ask, "What to write?
Realism, romanticism, or surreal thought clouds drifting... drifting...

drifting, as i lay in bed, last night -
mind not able to stay grounded...
perhaps two pitchers of tea, drunk,
led to such... swooning?

i ask myself, if these ladies want to dance...
I ask myself, am I willing to ask, on a chance?

caught up in this whirlwind, this society
burning transgressions large and small
as harassment, as unwanted advances -

I ask myself, "Am I still expected to make first advance?"
...or, maybe, they've made such subtle moves
that i forgot to read the subtext, the permissions?

it's confusing, confounding, and so bloody astounding -
Why can't love and sex be simple?
Why did physical comfort and affection
Have to get all twisted up with abuse and misuse?
"Where's the fucking open dialogues?!"

Still, I fear where to tread...
What touch is left, that's not been declared dead?

I must be careful, 'lest I lose the message, buried in form. I may want touches, hugs, and more; but it feels I can not offer them, anymore. You see, we've lost the safe spaces in which to explore, when the waltzes ended.
I would posit that a fallout of the sexual revolution, unintended, was a loss of clarity in the masses about how to court each other. Perhaps, many have been beat into bewilderment because polite company's taboos keep us silent, in the dark.

But, then, what do I know, with so little experience in dating, under my belt?

Once again, I don't know how much of this is verifiably true, or makes sense... or what else we're being fed, instead. Keep in mind, this is my first draft; and commentary is quite welcome!

Frustrated. Angry. Hurt.
...and the abyss beckons, the dagger taunts...
I hope sleep may help restore calm.

Living in a land of confusion, Destruction whispers, “Lay waste, that new sprouts may take root in the fertile ashes...”
Instead, I turn to Dream, Delirium, and even Despair...
To arts, authors, and the what if’s...
And I forget 1917, 1984. There is no revolution, just people drowning in delusion...?

Part of me's like, "who wants to call me, right now, at 1:40 a.m.? Because I'm afraid of waking y'all up..."
Yet, another part of me wants to attempt to sleep, again, hoping the thoughts subside... I do have to get up at 8.
So, a little jot of thoughts, even though the person I most want to see them isn't on Facebook (or so she claims): (although one quandary is that she's not my only present infatuation)
-----------------------------------
"I'm at a tipping point. I've grown to quite enjoy our friendship, and I think we've shared many of the same struggles and triumphs. So, I would like to date you, but, moreover, I really would like to court you."
"Are there any deal-breakers still lurking that would lead to a rocky marriage? Any flaws (yours or mine) that the other simply can not put up with - like my snoring? So, although my foolish heart would be willing to propose to you today, my cautious mind would like more information to weigh."
"That's where I sit. But, for now, I ask this of you: Do you want to become more than friends?"
"Do I have permission to be a bit more romantic with you?"
"Or... have circumstances made it difficult indeed to sustain a romance, at this time?"
-----------------------------------
feedback and/or edits welcome...
or even direct answers, if you are in a similar boat, feeling about me. (PMs or phone calls preferred)

some post about sex and relationships

I'm unsure what I want to say, or if it will have a nice flow and structure. More than likely, this will be a stream of consciousness.... just trying to push the gnawing concerns in my mind out into the open.

part of my mind is picking up on interest. maybe it's reading too much into the hugs, the conversations. so, I'm beginning to ask, "how should i proceed?" i recall similar situations in my past, ending poorly, because... my intensity... my mania... maybe my co-dependency tendencies - too much, too fast can be scary

yet, i've been getting plagued by inner dialogues, and left paralyzed, second guessing what's appropriate and if i have unchecked baggage?
what i'd like most is to make the time and space for honest dialogues. yet, i recall my first girlfriend contacting me 15 years later - having a night of dialogue - then being told that she didn't want to see me any more. also, being ghosted in a couple of other relationships (too much, too fast)

i wonder if my current perceptions of being isolated and abandoned stem from sharing too openly. coming off as untrustworthy, because I talk about some taboo topics. I don't get that, though, because I don't think I talk about other people. well, not specifically calling out names? then there's "why am i posting on Facebook - do i not have a close friend that I can confide in?" (note the irony of saying that, in this note)
I tried calling people today, reaching out in this and that way. Pretty much got delayed. No, I did not call everyone. No, I don't know if I'm ready yet to "confront my flirts" or try to force a conversation. They've got their busy lives, I've got busy life - I do not want them to feel pressured or threatened (recall how that blew up in my face, in the past)...

I've been told that I come off as very patient.

Yet, I see hints of my mortality encroaching upon me.

I see myself getting passed over, turned invisible, because I'm not trying to assert myself. I see flippant replies to my cries for help (one messenger exchange stands out in my mind), and I wonder how sincere people really are, in their offers to listen?

There's a whole other boiling kettle in the background around the areas of dating, flirting, and sexual harassment - especially if we look at verbage instead of body language. Also... there's talk in society about sexual harassment in the workplace, but it's also on the streets, and in various social organizations. I think it could best be summed up that people get uncomfortable when somebody sexualizes a situation and the first person did not intend to draw sexual attention. Part of this is why I'm real hesitant to comment on physically stunning profile pictures, here in Facebook. That mind set that people are much more than their physical appearance, so we should stop trying to prop up and focus on those appearances...

Yeah, a whole other boiling kettle... another thread... yet, underneath, a reason why I try not to act on purely physical attractions. But suppressing those feelings can be so hard...

My isolation is my own fault, to some degree. I'm modelling the behaviors that I'm receiving. If I don't call people or talk to people, then why should I expect them to do the same. If my life is built around group activities, like AA meetings and board game meetups, why should I expect to be invited to dinners or live shows - it's not like recruiting people to go to dinner with me, when I go out, which is quite often (alone). Hell, I live in a house with 5-8 guys at any time, but we do not seem to interact, outside of our bi-weekly house meeting. (I've told people how I thought I was getting into another co-op situation, but that's not how it's turned out.)

So, I'm left, lying in bed at night, ruminating over if there's anything out there, and afraid to test the waters because of past relationships gone south. Yet, I've written a bit here. I hope it fished some of the resentments out of my mind. ...and I have an early day today, so I should attempt some sleep....

the words are jumbled in my brain,
crumpled up like old newspapers
in and among the cobwebs
that physically house my mind....?
seeking. ever seeking.
hungry. ever hungry.
a thirst for life, for the other,
for hot blood...!
...and the anger seethes,
the desire pushes judgement into back alleys,
the sorrow crushes tranquility...?
hungry ghosts wander this half-life,
decaying, as the minute and seconds fall away....
what do i want? you?
to travel the world,
to be entertained,
to escape pain?
"...and now for something completely different..."
"for in the very whirlwind...."
- fuck. a forgotten line -
"....you must acquire and beget a temperance,
that may give it smoothness..."
and all the thoughts crowd around my mouth,
begging to be let out,
hoping (beyond hope)
that someone might understand,
a desperation to be loved,
to be remembered,
to be saved from this devouring mortalitiy
to be "heard",
...and yet, also, to be here...

You may think you’re fine, but people around you are losing their minds. Unfortunately, some of them will lash out at others with guns and knives and cars... whatever they can weaponize...

don’t know if there’s a cure-all that can calm everyone back down, as I don’t know if we can share a common vision.

I do suspect a good first step is to stop looking at our things, and start talking WITH each other. Text streams do a poor job of consolation... dollar bills, even less so...

...and yet, we insulate ourselves from foreign views to our own. Remember: “Don’t talk to strangers!”

Observations on Humanity

Earlier today (around 3:30 p.m.), a woman got on the #3 SB bus, at the Sunrise Community Church stop, growling like a tiger. The bus driver asked her to quiet down, at which point she claimed to be possessed by the devil. So, the driver firmly but calmly told her to exit the bus, which she did so with a little grumbling.
I glanced at another passenger, and we exchanged expressions. Some passengers at the front commented how “She forgot it’s no longer Halloween.
However, I have to remember, “I could have easily been that person” and I recall the fall of ‘98 to spring of ‘99...

Defining Success?

So, there’s this picture of success we’re fed:
I graduate high school, go on to college, and earn one or more degrees in field(s) I’m relatively interested in. Upon graduating college, I move on to a career in those field(s) that I can work in until retirement, with a hefty retirement package waiting in my golden years.
Along the way, I met a partner, who is The One for me. We settle down and raise a functional family together, in a loving and supportive community.
We have a nice house, nice cars, nice kids, nice neighbors...
———-
So vanilla it makes me want to puke, and it does not, at all, compare to the lives of struggling people that I see in myself, and around me...
why is it being promoted, then?

Job failure: Randall's

My mind is a mess, and I don’t know if I’d make much sense...
but I would really like to talk with somebody else right now. Almost willing to say anybody else...
My predictor is thinking some of you will say, “Go to a meeting!” Thinking about that, this evening (most likely Refuge Recovery)
There’s a thought, “Go to confession!” Not sure on that one, as I’ve been away from Church so long...
(Maybe I could use a birthday coupon? Is there free time in our schedules - part of my consternation...)
———————-
Either I quit, or I got fired... still, I’m no longer at Randall’s. I’m really beating up on myself for adding to the chain of lost jobs, lost due to my absenteeism...
My depression’s been flaring up - parts situational, seasonal, and clinical. I saw my psychiatrist on Monday to get my meds. I still don’t have a good therapy solution.
The low security resulting from my poor life choices is creating great anxiety in my mind. It would be nice if I could “chin up” and “pull myself up by my bootstraps” to power forward and succeed; I just don’t think I have the stamina and perseverance for that, any more. (The suicidal ideations keep circling around me like buzzards, whispering, “you are a failure and you need to quit being a burden”)
As the setbacks pile up, I feel I’m drowning in a turbulent stormy sea, and I want the current to drag me under, Thinking tranquility lies in the deep abyss. “Become a rebel, an outlaw...” “run away to a monastery” “overdose, again?” “Jump in front of that bus” “stop trying to fit in to corporate America...”
A maelstrom circling around, a hopelessness that cards are getting stacked against me ready to slice me to ribbons as they get dealt out in an oubliette tableau (?)... a hopelessness that I have been pushed into the working poor and there’s nothing I can do to change that for myself or millions of others... a hopelessness.
I sit here, at a buffet, thinking that will keep me fed and nourished for 24 hours - and halfway through the meal, I started writing this, hoping beyond hope that I am not as alone as I think I am.
I lost another job today,
But it wasn’t keeping me afloat, anyway...
Living life - there’s got be a better way;
Yet, beat down again,
My energy’s long faded away.
I still want to talk with somebody else.

"Combo Dinner" (P.o.t.D. 8/15/15, no rev)

Barbacoa, guisada, and avocado -
A trifecta to spawn many tacos -
Is complemented by rice and refried beans
To create a tasty dinner
Settling well within my gut...
"Ah! Arrandas! Awesome as always!"

"Bug-brain" (P.o.t.D. 8/8/13, no rev)

engage archie mode
working title unknown at this beginning

although i play at being a cockroach
i am but a human
it could be possible that
for some incarnation
in the distant past
i was walking on this earth
with six legs
and no brain

who am i to say
that bugs have no brains

for a spider can weave wild webs
with interesting defects
when under the influence of this or that

an ant may be part of a larger colony
whose individual actions seem random
and yet the collective actions of the colony
benefit most of the ants

hyper intelligent cockroaches
take over the world
in the far future
for the earth is so scorched
by us meager men now

so we are but humans
imperfect and flawed
and not always looking out
for the welfare of all
especially when chasing
our wanton wants

could the problem be
that god gave us brains
but he left us to learn foresight

"Listen..." (P.o.t.D. 8/4/15, no rev)

Everyone speaks,
Yet no one listens to them.
Attention trumps talk?

"To Be..." (P.o.t.D. 8/3/15, no rev)

Be open.
Be kind.
Be loving.

Be free...

From suffering,
From "blinds",
From attachments...

Be at One,
With All around.

Be at peace -
With mind sans sound.

Breathe.

Be.

"The Game of Life" (P.o.t.D. 8/1/17, no rev)

Multiball pinballs
Colliding, getting sidetracked
Into the gutters...

"Is not..." (P.o.t.D. 8/1/15, no rev)

This...
Is not.
A poem seen
By all I know,
Gathering comments,
So few and far between -
Which begs the question,
"If it is not,
Then why write,
When naught
Read?"

------------- divider (add poems above) --------------------

"Cooking Chocolate Oatmeal" (P.o.t.D. 7/31/15, rev ???)

Just toss them off my brain,
Like so many fractured fragments from
The simmering coffee pot shattered...

Strange ideas percolate,
But now lay splattered
Across some cheap tile knock-off.

How does one arrange the ideas,
When the yarn is unravelling
And all the tender nerves are frayed
By long days at work, slaving away?

Am I in the quaint kitchen,
Cooking up ideas and schemes,
"Mincing words", if you will?

Stirring the sauce,
Sprinkling spices in,
I try to concoct a good story...

...but it feels like a recipe for disaster,
Like the wrong memories
Are getting jammed together,
Leaving me with a pickle of a poem -
Overcooked by leaning too heavily
On an extended meal metaphor.

"Oh! The Travesty!" (P.o.t.D. 7/30/15, no rev)

With much iced tea imbibed,
And a plate of fried foods devoured,
I leave Buffet Palace,
Not suspecting my walk will sour.

A block away, I fart,
And some liquid makes its way out -
Oh, how ashamed I feel
As I now walk soiled and pout!

It could just be old age,
Even just eating the wrong stuff;
Yet it darkens my day,
And makes my five block trek so rough.

Now, sitting at my home,
After quite the cleansing shower;
I wash more of my clothes,
This won't ruin tonight's game hour!

"Sharing Seems Futile" (P.o.t.D. 7/29/15)

Feeling exhaustion -
Like, "Why even try? This crowd..?
They're wrapped up in self."

"Wore Out" (P.o.t.D. 7/29/17, no rev)

Once again, my shoes
Have been trampled to tatters
By all that walking...

"Six by six" (P.o.t.D. 7/28/15, no rev)

Why am I still awake?
'Cause I procrastinate...
I don't feel inspired,
Or have a writer's fire...
I often think in scenes,
Instead of wordy things...
So, this is what I write,
Before I snuff bed light...
Hope for a vivid dream,
Brought by coffee and cream...
Yet, I feel I'll soon sleep,
No memories, I'll keep.

"Job Worries" (P.o.t.D. 7/27/15, no rev)

Stayed in bed today...
Afraid to face unknown Ways
Of earning good pay?

"Unfriended" (P.o.t.D. 7/26/15, no rev)

She lingers in my thoughts, a resentment
That subtly preys upon my peace of mind.
I am perplexed why she left no mention
When she cut off contact in ways unkind.

"Give Us Room" (P.o.t.D. 7/25/15, rev 8/13/17)

We do not wish to be cast as unique,
Separated by perceived difference.
We do not like being afraid to speak,
Set off by those who think we make no sense.

It's just common ground, with you, that we seek;
'Fore we can shed our fears and our pretence.
'Tis fair treatment of the humble and meek
To be allowed room to "get off our fence"...?

"Do you...?" (P.o.t.D. 7/25, no rev)

Do you still love me,
Flaws and all - imperfect soul?
Speak true now - do you?

Is Silence Not Enough?

There are events and causes and politics and more that I closet-support.

Because I do not want to publicly broadcast my support, out of fear of being considered a member of the cause instead of an ally...

Because I do not want to post support without being able to defend my views to those who see the post - no desire for flame wars...

Because I do not want to get into long arguments, especially online, with people who have almost alien backgrounds, compared to my own.

Because I'm already stretched thin on time, and I do not want to get drawn in to lengthy research and subsequent documentation to solidify my position, when it may just be ignored by the "aliens"...

Because I do not fully trust the validity of the "news" that is already broadcast around the issue.

As I do not wish to get into lengthy debates, or spend much of my time sifting through news in fields outside of my studies; I opt to be a passive, silent information consumer. I now think before I share, most of the time, and I try to read with a critical eye.

I guess that it boils down to thinking I have no influence over things outside of my hula hoop. If I thought I could sway the masses to change their mind, I'd be more prone to get on the soapbox...

Yet, I feel I work better in the shadows, where I can break my silence, one-on-one with those who I trust and who have come to trust me.

Unfortunately, there's a power juggernaut in our society trying to wreak havoc on all the things I hold dear.

"Nothing Gained" (P.o.t.D. 7/24/15, no rev)

"Pick up the pebble, playing 'pon my palm."
Swish! Snatched at too slowly, securing zilch!
Even with nothing, you remain so calm -
A Zen master, not flustered by failed filch.

"Sad Short Stories" (P.o.t.D.7/23/17)

Write a sad story
Using three words! So, I wrote:
"Climate change denied..."

"Finding a Purpose"

Dear Human:

You’ve got it all wrong.
You didn’t come here to master unconditional love.
That is where you came from and where you’ll return.
You came here to learn personal love.
Universal love.
Messy love.
Sweaty love.
Crazy love.
Broken love.
Whole love.
Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling.
Demonstrated through the beauty of… messing up. Often.
You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are.
You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous.
And then to rise again into remembering.
But unconditional love?
Stop telling that story.
Love, in truth, doesn’t need ANY other adjectives.
It doesn’t require modifiers.
It doesn’t require the condition of perfection.
It only asks that you show up. And do your best.
That you stay present and feel fully.
That you shine and fly and laugh and cry
and hurt and heal and fall and get back up
and play and work and live and die as YOU.
It’s enough. It’s Plenty.

~ Courtney Walsh

"Unfinished House" (P.o.t.D. 7/22/15, no rev)

Paint swathes cross the door
Telling tales about a home
Abandoned, it seems.

"Two Bits" (P.o.t.D. 7/21/15, no rev)

Some two-bit poem hack:
Tries to be writer, he acts,
Tortured by mind wracked.

"Seed Cycle" (P.o.t.D. 7/16/15, rev 7/25/17)

The flowers' petals have fallen away,
Leaving tiny green seed pods in bunches
That will grow into red berries one day
To become many hungry birds' lunches.
What will happen next, is Nature at play -
"New blooms, far away" - those are my hunches.

"Ode to Beginner's Mind" (P.o.t.D. 7/15/15, no rev)

Most days, my mind is like an empty vase,
Free from all sorts of bother and worry.
Without clutter, life is easy to face,
And I don't run amuck in a hurry.

"Grill" (P.o.t.D. 7/12/17, no rev)

Licking the charcoal
Like hungry lions, the flames
Cook our food, in heat...

"Organize!" (P.o.t.D. 7/11/15, no rev)

Organize chaos...
Random thoughts, upon the page,
Gathered as the mind does rage.
Anarchy "rules" within the brain,
Never making it easy to train
Intellect's galumphing, dumb
Zoo of wandering, random
Emotions and thoughts.

Thinking about my Higher Power(s)

I have my personal experience that I can relate to. I do not know what other life-forms experience, although people's attempts to communicate their lives can resonate with my own set of memories.

There are a lot of basic experiences that have been repeated over and over, throughout time, that have generated sets of both good and bad responses. Deciding what's good and bad tends to be built on emotional reactions. (I recall a book in the last 20 years that looked at studies of how lack of emotions impaired judgements)

One of the things I love about Buddhist meditation is that it challenges me to form first-hand insights behind my experiences. Similarly, AA's programs says, "Try these behaviors, see what happens, and use that to form your own experience with a God, as you understand him"

A lot of people wring their hands over what others tell them that God is, or, more often... over people telling them Godly behavior and then practicing the opposite.

I think religion does not create a good model of how the physical world works. However, it does do a good job of looking at social interactions, good and bad, through the ages... however, religion has given rise to philosophy, psychology, even history, and influenced other social sciences - and those fields are now coupling with science to give good insights into social behavior and also abnormalities and how they can "break social rules"

So, I claim to be agnostic. If there is a God, it's much more than my personal experience and understanding. Yet, to thrive in this world, it greatly helps to depend upon experiences beyond my own. I.e., I learn from my elders, sharing in their success and avoiding their mistakes...

"Bloom" (P.o.t.D. 7/8/15, no rev)

After rains, flowers
Bloom in pinks, purples, and orange -
Such lovely walks home!

"To Move Mountains?" (P.o.t.D. 7/8/16, no rev)

What words can I say,
Convince them to walk away
From valleys of death?

(Unfortunately,
I feel my words hold no weight,
and so, my heart breaks...)

"Ennio & Dario" (P.o.t.D. 7/7/15, no rev)

Terror hunts me now,
Hinted by my phone's music -
Do I like these songs?