finding direction for the next decade

With 48 hours until 2020, I wonder what intentions I want to take into the next decade?
- Take better care of my physical health by changing diet and exercise routines
- Become more in tune with my mental health, by renewing my meditation practice...
- ...and by strengthening and nurturing my communication network
- Start planning for old age, through retirement investments
- Plan for my eventual death by drafting legal documents and setting aside the resources, so that my friends and family have clear instructions on what my wishes are
===========
On a small scale, I really should
- plan for at least one interesting vacation,
- gain a master's or higher degree, to better...
- ...position myself to be able to teach college courses,
- try to find reasonable housing? (section 8? another city?)
- Better develop my known hobbies, including graphic art, writing, acting, "parlour games", and possibly dancing (need to get limber first)
- explore other hobbies, like crafting, gardening, cooking
I'll leave at that, as I have to go check on a big pot of black eyed peas....

I tried to hawk some future poems,
Through these bland pages of Facebook:
"For any donations you'd give,
Some crafty lines I'd try to cook!"

Alas, I'm not a gourmet school trained chef;
My cooking mimics what I learned from Dad...
As my writing right hand copies his left!
...And his speech is like a Michigan lad...

Whether I'm mincing or blending phrases,
I must admit, I can hear Dad's stories -
Not the Texan's Tall Tales in those spaces -
Just some under-stated humble glories...

Note: I consider myself "un-dateable" because:
1) My income's been so pitifully poor for my adult life, that I can't "treat myself to special events", much less anyone else - like a live arts show, or a dinner, or other costly outings (guess it's time to think outside the box)
2) I'm not very physicallyattractive - dough boy body - and I'm not terribly interested in spending time on diet and exercise to become so
3) After the various harassment incidents in the news, since the 1980's, I'm very hesitant to try to initiate dates with women. There's this message I picked up from the media, "don't bother us women with your various advances because we're getting far too many of them from boys in general" (I note that, as a man, I do not sense advances towards me from women for an overwhelming majority of my time) ...so, I'd rather put the ball back in the women's court to start up dating. (Unfortunately, women are very wary of initiating any advances, due to repeated burns by bad men in their past)
4) Most of the women I've been interested in, have been work associates or church or AA or social groups - so... there's another hesitation about trying to date in those spheres, in case the relationship gets awkward and disrupts the group in which we know each other. I've broken this rule a couple of times, with the corresponding disastrous results when the relationship got awkward. (I've also attempted online dating, but that's led to some strange stories of it's own. I will not repeat them on Facebook.)
5) I also don't think I fit the media's portrayal of the All-American Guy that everyone wants to be around. I'm not athletic, extroverted, decisive, handy, touchy-feely (see 3 for why) etc etc... (I am fairly intelligent, and playful around friends, and...????)
Might be able to flesh this out more, if I thought more about it... but I'll stop on that. (cross-posting to my timeline)

some strange self-confession at 1 a.m.
there's a desire to confide in somebody -
or just talk honestly with them about my confusions -
yet I have lost so much trust in "that process"...
i have my regular one-on-one therapy, this morning.
i still chafe at the idea of paying somebody,
so that they will listen to my problems.
i have to remind myself,
"I am paying for their training in listening skills,
I am paying them because they have better awareness
Of bipolar, and social services, and so much more
That most of my friends have
Only limited knowledge to draw upon."
i can imagine people in AA saying,
"What about a sponsor, eh?"
After 10+ sponsors in 14 years,
I want to laugh that idea down:
"If they are a good sponsor,
Then they can show how
They use the Steps in their own lives...
...Most people, though, are not good sponsors -
At least, good by that definition."
I want to confide in others,
But I'm afraid of the shaming,
And I'm afraid of the fear,
And I'm afraid of the advice
That would get stirred up.
Are these phantasms in my mind?
Fantasies with no basis in reality?
Because I've seen the shaming, the fear, the advice
Heaped upon others who spoke out -
Because I've seen how my past posts got treated -
Because I'm afraid I've called wolf too many times...
"No, I would have to say,
There's some evidence
For me to be wary of being open, anymore."
And, yet, I suffer in silence.
I want to speak out,
But I'm afraid I've been
Written off for saying too much.
Another fear lurks in the background:
All these delicate matters,
All these resentments,
All this paranoia --
They have wormed and knotted their way
Through my mind,
Adding on the fears as they go,
Until what I want to say...?
I no longer know.