some strange self-confession at 1 a.m.
there's a desire to confide in somebody -
or just talk honestly with them about my confusions -
yet I have lost so much trust in "that process"...
i have my regular one-on-one therapy, this morning.
i still chafe at the idea of paying somebody,
so that they will listen to my problems.
i have to remind myself,
"I am paying for their training in listening skills,
I am paying them because they have better awareness
Of bipolar, and social services, and so much more
That most of my friends have
Only limited knowledge to draw upon."
i can imagine people in AA saying,
"What about a sponsor, eh?"
After 10+ sponsors in 14 years,
I want to laugh that idea down:
"If they are a good sponsor,
Then they can show how
They use the Steps in their own lives...
...Most people, though, are not good sponsors -
At least, good by that definition."
I want to confide in others,
But I'm afraid of the shaming,
And I'm afraid of the fear,
And I'm afraid of the advice
That would get stirred up.
Are these phantasms in my mind?
Fantasies with no basis in reality?
Because I've seen the shaming, the fear, the advice
Heaped upon others who spoke out -
Because I've seen how my past posts got treated -
Because I'm afraid I've called wolf too many times...
"No, I would have to say,
There's some evidence
For me to be wary of being open, anymore."
And, yet, I suffer in silence.
I want to speak out,
But I'm afraid I've been
Written off for saying too much.
Another fear lurks in the background:
All these delicate matters,
All these resentments,
All this paranoia --
They have wormed and knotted their way
Through my mind,
Adding on the fears as they go,
Until what I want to say...?
I no longer know.