16 April 2018

 Do I judge others,

Or judge those who judge others?

Who am I, to judge?

...some might call this simplistic, some might chastise for being too accepting while others for being too critical. Then I see the specter again, "Don't you want to win friends, and influence people?"

No. I hesitate to say, "I just want to stop the spread of false information..." Hesitate, because who am I to discern it's validity, pointing back at different perspectives: "a blue square, seen along the x axis, but a red circle seen along the y-axis"

Yet... if someone is called "spiritual sandpaper" (that's what's spawning this rant)... I could do well to ask, "what does that really mean to me?" (Not tagging the original posters, to avoid wall cross-pollination)

(For I am quick to think of it as differing attitudes and beliefs that may wear away at some of my own beliefs on the other side of the spectrums - and that's me interpreting out of context)

I see the rant gaining steam... I think of hearing the same shares from the same people, time and time again - even with wildly different conversation topics!

Still, it's almost 2 a.m. My brain is far past due for a rest. And my hopelessness swells up, thinking, "it doesn't matter because no one reads your posts, anymore, anyway..." (yay, self-pity. yay, resentment. ) ...or is that paranoia, trying to build a case for my mass abandonment, as the communication channels lie dormant..?

...but, i am no the person, in real life, who appears on the computer! i am not as gloomy in dialog, as I am in soliloquoy!

yeah.

going to sleep now...

16 April 2020

 "In this uncertain time..."

'Why do you say that?! Are you that afraid - '

"No.... I just haven't checked my watch, lately."

----------------

...me, trying to throw a little humor at a trending buzz phrase...

15 April 2012

 "What principles do I live my life by?"

(start with the basic 3-some)

Honesty? Mostly.. Although I may be less likely to discuss sensitive topics out of fear of possible harms..

Open-minded? *I* think so. Influence of co-op living and Austin, in general..

Willing? This one needs some work, especially when dealing with suggestions taken on blind faith..

2William ED Hattaway and 1 other

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• Tim Serpas

  re: Honesty. Saying "I'd rather not discuss that here" or "I don't think you'd like the answer" is still honest.

15 April 2012

 Sooo... I was just thinking about writing research papers in the late 80's for high school classes, and making the trips to the library for finding the research...

The strength of the Internet is that we can yield so many more search results, whereas its weakness is that most of those are based on very sketchy research methods.

15 April 2020

 I'm stuck on what I want to write. I would like to avoid the pity traps that I've dug in the past. Railing at forces beyond my control probably only helps to elevate my blood pressure.

Reality. Perception. Delusion.

I can not assign to you your motivations for your behaviors, especially with generalized blanket assignations. I do not see your joys, your lifves, your struggles... I see at best a sliver of the windows through which you view the world.

"Always seeking an extreme end of the spectrum" In my defense, I claim it is because that's where many mathematicians first test their hypotheses. I want to break the rules before I'll backtrack to see where they work.

Behind me are Escher's "Drawing Hands" and Dali's "Narcissus"... and an original piece by my step-sister. In front of me are two more bits by Escher. Yet, I think I miss Dali's "Persistence of Memory" the most - what with the ants and melting watches and the fluidity of time....

I try to tell the world, how our lives are so woven up with stories. Fairy Tales with everyone living a happy ending - or is that Broadway musicals? The boogeymen in the closet and the urban legends, scaring us straight. All the wisdom of the ages, told and retold - perhaps Scherezade had a 1001 versions of the same story, all seeking to praise and soothe her murderous sultan. Then there's the strands of "Don't take no for an answer" and how that unfortunately feeds into rape culute - or at least it bolsters the selfish, self-centered "My way or the highway" types of sentiments?

See? I can claim not to know where you're coming from.... but, used to be, we were all reading from similar scripts. What the preacher preached from the pulpit, how the radio sang the sun to sleep.... We are awash in a sea of messages and morals, and we cling desperately to the driftwood that has kept us afloat. Then again, some would just let go and sink deep into the depths of a 1001 currents, to wash our faces away with the mask of a new day.

So much of this is just flimsy opinion. I do not write an academic paper. I would hope I could spark a forest fire, burning through so many meta-cultural pieces; and leaving a titantium sword to cut through the ashes... (pfft. trying for metaphor, methinks)

So, that's where this piece went - spinning my wheels until my restless mind got spent. Again, a sliver of windows - this is not the length and breadth of all I'd like to say. Perhaps it just came out first...

14 April 2020

 I like the song, "Veteran of the Psychic Wars", off of the soundtrack to the animated film, "Heavy Metal". I guess I really believe that I could wear it as an anthem or something....

People are freaking out over our little viral friends, and the governments reactions to them. To me, the loss of jobs... the threat of death... the house confinement... - these things just do not seem new to me.

I grew accustomed to losing jobs, regularly, over the last 20 years; and yet I have survived. (maybe not thrived, but...)

I'm mostly at peace with the prospect of dying. Perhaps because I don't feel like an integral part of anyone's lives; I already feel socially disconnected. I've gotten awfully close to dying before. I do not relish the thought of suffocating to death, as this disease is described... I also don't like how contagious it seems...

What am I saying/ "It just doesn't seem like a new threat to me, or one that I have much control over 'solving'. So, make what adjustments that I can, and then do the next task before me."

"When I've lived so long on the brink of poverty, I no longer think of prosperity."

12 April 2012

 Different preoccupation, keeping me awake:

A simplified world map, where the principal locations are the vertices of a Platonic solid.

If, in a conquest/influence game, maybe like Civ, your influence or travel times are based on how many edges you must cross to reach the target vertex...

This could be expanded to a bracket-style system, where once you've conquered your d6 (example), you move to a larger world (d6=8 or more vertices) seeded with opponents who come from d6 or larger base worlds, with each person's vertex/city built as a conglomerate of their previous world conquered...

I'm just trying to remember if d20's or d12's would have the most vertices, but I think it's the d12's... Cause you can embed a d12's vertices in the faces of a d20 and vice versa..? That's certainly true with a d6 and d8, which have 8 and 6 vertices respectively...

Now, I think I'm just rambling - hoping this writing out the thought will clear the way for sleep...

12 April 2018

 I took a nap at 8, now I'm wide awake, in the witching hour...

There's a tiny glimmer of hope, that something profound will flow from my fingertips; and yet, a macabre twist hijacks this thought, as a vision of amputated knuckles with blood rushing out tries to crowd out...

"A man came to us, bleeding profusely, early Wednesday morning. EMS made it to the scene, and I can only pray that his future will be more sane."

Have I ever been in a crime scene? Yes, actually... when I worked overnights at 7-Eleven... but it is not a story that I like to divulge. Granted, my co-worker was all over Facebook in the 24 hours after that night...

Some times, the surreality of life floors me. I just can't make sense out of the disconnected events. Stuff like the moon changed phases in the middle of the night, or hours disappeared in an instant, while standing in the waiting room of ASH. Perhaps it could be drugs administered, unseen?

Or being ghosted... or being cast aside, a week into relations... or the ice-cold shoulder when those relations tried to rekindle two years later... (or...or...or... "gently rowing down the stream!" - how relationships confuse me...)

There's a piece of me that wants to rage at modern-day romance. It's furious how everything's become corrupted, by a variety of forces... If you believe Hollywood, we should magically be married within an hour of the first date? Perhaps I am chastising the media for trying to accelerate a process that really should be taken slowly. It is far better to build a bedrock of trust, before you try to build, in bed, so many babies... could we claim rushed marriages are failing, because horrible differences only appear, after the ceremony?

Then, there's the dichotomy: we're fed this core gender role of how men should act by society and the media (like don't take no for an answer) and yet we have to reconcile it against women's realization that they don't want that role from all of the men around them (why won't this puppy pack just leave me alone?)... i'm reminded of sexual harassment cases built on the man failing to recognize and respect avoidance tactics.

So, what gets me here, is that I feel left in the cold. I say to myself, "Ok, I won't try to flirt with strangers, or compliment on appearances, or basically allow sexual attraction to get expressed in my behavior. I choose to no longer initiate.' What do I get, as a rewad? "Crickets." Is it wrong for me, to even "expect a reward"?

One could claim than men and women are biologically wired differently, regarding the frequency of sexual thoughts.... Or one could point at the double-standard in society - how men rewarded for being sexually active, while women are shamed for being sexually active.

Also, there's that sex drive, seeking to be slated. Most, but not all, people are led to believe that they should have sex (again, it could be more biological than social)... This is all find and dandy, if you have a socially accepted outlet - like a consenting heterosexual marriage. Yet, stray from that accepted norm, and the backlash of outrage rises quick.... So, on the one hand - a relentless sex drive; while on the other - trying to meet it within social norms.... (Not sure where that's going - perhaps a rant that's fizzling)

I just feel that I end up getting left in the cold, if I try to respect the anti-harassment sentiments by leaving sex-driven behaviors off the table. Basically, I have no indications that people are noticing my absence of behavior. (At least, that's how it feels, in my mind)

At which point, I've pretty much let off my steam, for tonight. Yes, I could have kept this all private in my journal... but I'm starving for feedback, y'all.... (which could spin into that whole other thread about lack of communications)...

1Donald Ellerbe

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11 April 2019

 I have been going through a lot of self-pity and imaginary dialogues, tonight... I do not want to broadcast the exact particulars as to why... I do not even want to respond to phone calls or IM's, tonight...

because I feel that i'm not sensitive enough to communicate in the pleasing manner that most people want. I guess, when I believe I'm just being honest, others read it as harsh and blunt.

I do not want to win friends and influence people by supporting their fantasies (or just giving them a participation reward), especially if those are jarringly out of sync with science. (Not a fan of flat earthers or anti-vaxxers or other fringe movements due to the way they promote and discuss their therories {an aside, perhaps})

I do not claim to know all. I do not claim that my stories always end in a moral or a point. I dislike most humor because of the harms it plants... I will willingly claim how I might be mistaken, yet I am soundly thrashed if I dare point out how others are acting in contrary ways...

no, that's not right, either. I'm just trying to create theories to explain others' behavior, and I am hampered by paranoia, and my own fantastic extrapolations. I am not a fan of gossips, because I can only imagine how they talk of me when I am not near.

I once posed the question (back in '92): "How much of our lives is just idle conversation?" Perhaps I should update it to "How much of our conversation is lost in transmission?"

...and yet, I write a text wall of a post, to the silent Facebook screen (instead of with my left hand, on paper, as has been suggested) - hoping,perhaps, that some attempt to voice the ideas will register on my peers; as I have not seen them turn to me, their ears, to better diffuse our wounded tears... (there I go, assuming that anyone else cares enough to shed a tear for me and for our estranged relations...) {feeble attempt to drift, poetic, maybe}

I write to Facebook, because I have so little trust left, to talk in private. I write to Facebook, because it does create an (imperfect) record. ...and I speak to myself, because I'm baffled by feuds. ...and I hope some traces are left, when I'm finally gone, for people to realize how poorly they got to know me? (because everyone wants to talk about their shit, and I usually find myself pushed into the role of listening...)

...and yes, the suicidal thoughts flared up, again, tonight - imagining getting off the bus at HEB, walking to the William Cannon overpass, and nose diving into traffic. More sinister, perhaps, playing Russian roulette with my high blood pressure and hoping to die in my sleep under cardiac or cranial arrest...

...and, yes, the financial stressors are weighing upon my mind, in addition to the relations stress - probably why the extreme escape presents itself, again. there was a bit of incompetence at play, today, too, and worries about my family, and more

I'm going to pause, before I try to predict your questions, if any, or solutions; and especially to push away the dialogues in my brain that those predictions will spawn.

Besides... my mind keeps telling me that "no one fucking cares, anyway..."

11 April 2020

 My friend

Stephanie

posted this, and I do hereby approve:

We are requesting a list of 10 'things' that youactually LIKE and that folks might not know about you.

Here's my first cut at that list.

1. Free-form dancing.

2. Creative cooking

3. My Catholic childhood, paired with Eastern philosophies

4. Surrealist Art (making and digesting)

5. Watching various animations

6. Early evening barbeques

7. Deep, yet casual conversations

8. Hikes in the countryside

9. Co-operative housing

10. Public radio and public television

What would your list of hidden likes look like?

10 April 2011

 I hate keeping secrets about my life, as it shows a certain level of paranoia and/or distrust towards the people I know.

Still... Some information is sensitive, and should only be shared with those I trust...

6 April 2021

I just cooked a lot of food, watched some TV shows streamed by my room mate, and did my laundry... decent maintenance accomplishments, I guess?

Yet, The emptiness is crawling up inside me, still. I suspect it's a desire to be with people that I used to interact with on a regular basis (from various arenas of my past)... It's disheartening, because that loneliness wants to take me out - it wants to shake its fist at the world...

Perhaps it's a sign that I should just go to sleep. Perhaps it's an awareness that I feel isolated. I don't know, for sure; because I'm not a big fan of self-induced psycho-analysis.

Perhaps its regrets at good friends turning their backs on me over small words. Yet, they aren't so small that I would want to apologize and try to wipe the words away with pleasantries.

I also recall a three-vector scale, measuring degrees of personality traits that are often considered misanthropic. Not enough to go looking for it, mind you, as my cold bed is calling... But enough to consider that I might be a bit narcissistic; and yet, a lot of my addict friends may be just as much narcissistic, or more...

Just a fancy word for selfish and self-centered? "My agenda is the only correct one, and here are the ways I will try to minimize your inputs..."

...and I know that I should be more pro-active about initiating contacts.. Yet I also know that I rarely think of others who are outside my immediate environment. I also know that I carry a lot of fear around "interrupting someone accidently when I try to reach out"... Oh, and the other fear, of using the wrong channels to communicate, because I'm not hip to what people expect, these days...

Yay. another long monologue.

Fuck... I hate that most everyone coupled up and is tied up, dealing with their family lives, now.

I hate that I'm aging past life milestones without achieving them, and that's telling my brain how much of a failure I must appear to be, to the world, at large...

I hate being poor, and all the stigma that comes with it. I hate being bipolar, or just lumped in with the mentally ill, and all the eggshells that creates around me.

Eventually, this train of thoughts keeps taking back to that point where I honestly feel that my life is not worth living...

...and I can't see a nice escape route - especially when I see so many other people, heading down the same tracks.

I wish we cared enough about ourselves and our planet so that we could see an alternative developing to the "bleak end times of over-pollution, climate change, and mass extinction".

I wish I hadn't reached that point, where I've given up on my future, so that I could be more of a solution than of a problem, to that bleak end above.

(...probably just a tip of the iceberg. Yet so much more than what might make it out in a conversation in the walking world...)

3 April 2018

 So. Anxiety is still trying to pull me under...

Uncertain how to face the basic unsustainability of my current life configuration - mostly career/money concerns, with a dash of stupid spending, too...

There is a whole other arena, wrapped around feelings of isolation and (perhaps?) disrespect..?

I'd like to say denial has run its course, and it's time to start taking action. Yet I'm sooo afraid of changing careers, or changing residences, or changing cities. I'm afraid of cutting back on activities that bring me happiness, even though that would build better responsibility. I'm afraid of trying to manage it all, just by myself...

yet, I'm also afraid of the ideations, lurking in my mind - and how they appear to offer a quick and simple exit. Thank god that they don't offer a painless, 100% guaranteed end; or else I'd lose yet another defense against "putting them into action".

Would it be better if I felt needed and loved, if I felt useful to my employer(s) and community? Perhaps...

Would it be better if I felt safe and secure, if I felt free to do as I please, without concerning myself over costs? Perhaps...

Then again, as a frequent victim of "all or nothing thinking", I may be demanding that "Everything must be perfect, or else why should I be here at all?!?!" (at which, i can hear, "life's not about the destination, but about the journey..." or "the learning is in the struggles...")

Still... fighting to keep my head, above water, at the moment.

how can we best support each other?

2 April 2011

 beware self-criticism.

on the one hand, it could be pointing to valid things and values that NEED to be changed... on the other hand, it could be just 'playing for sympathy'

I've lost count of how many times I've ALMOST posted pessimistic status updates, but backed out, thinking "They don't want to hear THAT..." (I must admit, some still got posted)

2 April 2019

 I’m rough drafting this, so it may not be polished and perfect...

I cling to the familiar, yearning for the good old days; scaring old friends away?

(There comes a point in relationships where we see the individuality of others and some times, that shows how different we can be from each other... there also comes a point when we trust enough to be vulnerable, to show our weaknesses and yet the danger is that we become betrayed if the receiver is not ready to accept that...)

I yearn for the familiar, even after We’ve seen some of the uglier sides of each other... because I’ve developed patterns and routines for interacting with the familiar. (One possible answer to “Why does an abused partner stay in a relationship?”)

I dread rebuilding, time and time again, new circles of friends, as I move to new interests and new activities and new jobs and new organizations... I understand that creating the network builds the later support for “doing the thing”; but I get tired of discarding all that left my life through the process of focusing on the new stuff that enters...

Then, there’s that lingering fear that the new relationships will not be satisfying, that some base needs (for debate, for affection, for security...) will be unaddressed because they are not a shared interest.

In the end, I’m left drifting... from a small-town high school, to an honors dorm, to a co-op, then a halfway house, then an apartment, then s friend’s couch... racking up 25+ jobs of very short durations...

It is not as bad as the “military brat’s constant moves”... but it’s still so impermanent, so fleeting.

At which point, I see the allure of being bitter, of no longer trusting, of closing myself off; so that I won’t be hurt again... I see the allure, but I’m not sure that it is a good solution.

2 April 2020

Spring has typically been a busy season for me. Going back to high school, spring was the time for UIL academic competitions, and one - act plays; so I was suddenly flooded with extra-curricular activities.

or is that a story I'm telling myself, to hide a more essential truth?

I like to stay busy. I don't like to sit around, held in a waiting pattern. I like to juggle multiple projects, multiple lives even...

Yet, in all of the hustle, it's easy for me to minimize reaching out to friends. It's like I'm taking the friendship for granted - that it will always be there, even after years of neglect. This idea has not held up with all friendships, even the ones I thought were deep. Most of the time, it was because I gave up on the effort required to keep the long distance communications going.

It's led to a waterfall of regrets, I think. Missed opportunities piling up, people becoming strangers as we trudge our separate paths...

I want to invite people into my life, and yet I'm afraid that I can only offer bread and water; when they silently wish for sweet delicacies and fine port. (Okay, I'm trying to play at being poetic, I guess)

Aside from a fear of dwindling friendships, I harbor a fear built on low self-worth: What can I offer, really? How can I entertain? How can I NOT be an imposition?

Have I destroyed the faith and trust of others through a series of bungling missteps and false maneuvers?

I don't think I have, yet I still doubt.

I feel such shame, as I've degraded, over the years. I feel that all the pressure to succeed and my inability to meet those expectations has left me a broken man, with no hope for tender care. I can not provide for my aging parents; and I can not fathom who would still care for me.

It's a dark pit of despair, with rats in the shadows nipping upon my flesh, even though it be decayed and depraved. (ok, poetic again?)

I never got comfortable with the idea of a telephone. I'm only marginally comfortable with the internet. Still, it feels like the world has gotten too big and too divided to have any comfort in walking to the neighbors' houses. I wish it was a small town, again. I wish there weren't so many negative boogeymen broadcast through our media.

Ok, I think I'm tired again.