15 August 2020

"I want more attention, from more people."

yeah.

I think it really boils down to that...

Pre-pandemic, I was fairly active with meetups, and tutoring and AA meetings - so probably seeing about 25 people, each day, in different contexts...

Now, I'm lucky to see 2 room mates in person, and possibly 15 people in zoom meetings. (as an average - some days are worse, some are better)

Add to that: I slashed through my phone contacts and Facebook friends, to try to have more relevant contact possibilities, instead of: "Hi, I'm cold-calling you, because I have your number from an AA meeting that happened 10 years ago" or "your content on Facebook really does sit well with the interests I'd like to follow.

-----------------------

One solution, which I think many have done:

Dive head first into streaming TV, and binge all sorts of shows that I didn't watch when I was rarely around TV. It could be educational... It could also foster the fake History Channel, or the Soap Opera Queen personality - where I begin to believe that the news and shows portrayed on TV are reflections of mainstream society or possibly just reflections of fringe society.

If my attention is on the shows, then my attention is not as aware of your lack of attention.

-------------------------

Another solution:

Throw caution to the wind, and get out and about in the pandemic. I wonder if there's an attitude in this one of "We're all going to die anyway, so why prolong it?" or "The facts and figures are being distorted, and corona is not as bad as everyone thinks."

There's also some element of "selectively demasking" - where we build a multi-household group of people who don't wear masks around each other, and yet we assume that everyone is religiously wearing masks around strangers. It is risky, though - because it hinges on everyone being safe, at all times, outside of the trusted group.

----------------------------

Still, I think there is some loss of connections. A lot of the gathering style socializations cut through the work of keeping up mulitiple text streams and phone calls and social media posts and more. "going to a party is easier than going door-to-door" I imagine that many people, having lost their live gatherings, started friending en masse on social media... that or they already had 1500 friends.

I started seeing phone calls and texts from people I had previously only known through organizations (and I sent some of my own)... In a sense, I think some of us reshuffling our conversation channels - since we can't go meet someone in person, then we'll start up a text exchange, or emails, or even facetime.

I still think that there is more work now to be able to maintain the level and diversity of social contacts that I had before. Is it possible better information is getting conveyed? i don't know.

Yet, I still crave more attention (or just human contact, if I start binging media)

14 August 2010

 Went to bed this morning at 9, and woke up at 1 this afternoon. Now, the bed is calling me back, hopefully for a cool dream..

14 August 2011

 Thoughts spawned by insomnia: "The majority's school experience can be so foreign compared to one's type of personality leading to that one's overwhelming frustration and most probable failure."

14 August 2018

 Broad sweeping dating generalization that over-simplifies, yet...

“As men grow older, they move from wanting to be alone to wanting company. Do women move in the opposite direction, as they age?”

14 August 2019

 trying to wrap my feelings up, for some pity party...

i do not know triggers are at work.

...i feel like crap, and i do not relish trudging onward.

14 August 2020

 I have this frustration boiling and bubbling under my conscious awareness.

It's probably highly connected to all the anxiety out in current society, and a fear of facing that alone...

Or losing friends who did not want to reach out - and end up doing dangerous things, instead.

it could be the classic "mid-life crisis"; where I feel like I've fallen short of so many of my expectations for my life, mostly fed to me by my society's culture(s). Things like "I should be married, I should have a great career, I should have my own car and my own house, I should have a decent retirement fund, ..."

Honestly, I don't know why I would want those expectations in my life, considering how doom sayers that the world is livable for one or two more human generations, at best (due to our own fumbling about as a species)... I really wonder if we should have a child, just to tell them, "you're about to inherit a shithole!"

Part of me is worried, as societal institutions are crumbling about us, about what our marginalized classes will start to do, as their lives become more and more desperate. This week, we saw a guy chunking topo chicos at all the windows in a a local market. We have tent camps popping up all over town. Do I have to be a lot more vigilant when walking around town, because everyone's anxiety is skyrocketing?

I've been through at least 4 major mental health crises (those were the ones I was hospitalized for)... I know how unhinged my mind became at those times from high anxiety, and how my morality just crumbled while I chased at flimsy ideas. So, I project that onto people out there, losing their minds... and I become fearful of what they might do.

So, under a silghtly less calm demeanor, my brain is in a lot of chaos. It does not like these times. It does not want to have to suffer through them.

...and, yet, here we are.

1Sarah Beth

13 August 2010

I can see the cycle in action, this third time around: I want more game neighbors/allies, and yet I don't want the associated app crap (requests) that comes with them. Of course, three months later, I'll probably be fed up with most of the games I currently play, and wind up deleting them (both games and gaming friends).

13 August 2019

 If I'm not engaged in an activity, it's really easy to nod off in a sleepy daze. My doctor suspects sleep apnea, yet my insurance does not wish to pay for the recommended tests.

13 August 2020

 After "falling apart on Facebook" on last night, I was left with a strong thought that I'm just an imposter in AA - that I really shouldn't be investing my time in it, like I have been. I had the recurring thought:

"I should just exit AA on my birthday' (29 August)

... because I no longer receive from it, and I no longer feel like what I give is welcome.

---------------

I don't know yet if that's a firm conviction, or just some flimsy cry for attention. I don't even know if I really want or could handle the attention.

13 August 2020

 I will be going to physical therapy at 2 p.m. on Friday, 21 August.

I’m curious if anyone would like to join me in ordering takeout from Conan’s Pizza or Tuk tuk (both near Stassney and menchaca); and meeting at Garrison Park to have a sort of “local restaurant picnic”, from 11-noonish (or possibly 1)

You could also do other local restaurants, if you want...

12 August 2019

 i do not know who i am willing to interact with, from the comfort of my home. it feels like i have built up this life where i opt to wander the world, alone.

there are these nagging fears of rejection and delay, like the act of reaching out is interfering with others' lives and plans... possibly fueled by my own desire to have a predictable schedule, in my own life. (also, there have been times where i went to visit others, and i got turned away at the door)

so much of my life is built up around work and interest groups and events - with so little left for spontaneous play. organized play, yes... but not just deciding to have a change of plans.

i would like a female partner, partly for the deeper physical intimacy with another human being; but also for the company and a different perspective on things... honestly, I just want to feel safe and secure that I can express myself through touch. So much fear is built up in me over "shaming" - the delusion that nobody wants to be touched, because nobody trusts that it won't turn into a harmful touch... (and this paragraph probably spins out into pages and pages of monologues...)

i beat myself up because my under-employment keeps me from effectively stepping into a provider role, both for myself and for others. I want to believe that I am capable of earning so much more, yet past experiences make me believe that I can not effectively deal with the higher stress that accompanies higher paychecks.

So often, I forget about all the insidious ways that my bipolar illness manifests in my life. Like riding a manic high, I overlook how alienating I can become when I think that "I have all the answers". I forgot how quick my body is to remind me to either go into overdrive or go into total shutdown; if my stressors become overwhelming. (New Guild, '98: staring out at the trees from our attic room, and imagining so many skull silhouettes staring back... - weird aside / might be workable into another draft?)

a pressure to "fight for what I want", yet i am not a fighter. the last thing that I want to do is harm another person. however, i do not like misguided ideas, either... so, i get passive-aggressive and sharpen my humor; or frame my criticisms in indirect language. back to the pressure - i do not want to intervene, if i see someone else harming another... so being a rescue boyfriend would not suit me well? Still, there's this current in society, the champion archetype, that tells us to defend and promote what we like, usually to the detriment of everything we do not like. We have to be allies and we have to "punch Nazis" or "criminalize abortions" or .... any of 1000 causes that make us believe we are improving lives...

The antithesis of the champion archetype, would be the "live and let live" view, where everyone can do whatever they want, so long as they cause no harm...?

rough drafting.... not sure how clear that picture is, yet...

i do not want to take the action to talk with you, directly. i would rather write, for my own clarification, and leave another text wall for all of you to ponder. i wish i was more willing to talk with each of you, directly. i wish I did not throw up 101 excuses on why the conversation(s) would devolve into wasted time(s).

I wish you all well, in your individual lives. Perhaps one day, we will have more shared experiences.

12 August 2019

 A lot of the time, my present moments are fairly enjoyable. Yet, Fear preys upon future-tripping.... or past regrets....

11 August 2009

 "19 years living in Austin, and I've picked up a touch of the slacker ethic..."

11 August 2017

 Hospital fees and abject poverty may be derailing next week's colonoscopy...

11 August 2019

 today, I spent the day at board game bash, playing a variety of games. I spent more money than I was planning around, on hotel food and a good flea market find....

Being broke until Friday is stirring up my fears and resentments. Which I don't like having to try to deflate....

I have non-perishable food in the pantry, I'm caught up on my essential bills...

i'm also reminded of how impermanent our connections with each other can be. i want to rail against my perceptions of the world, i want to drop my tact and troll away... i want to scream at both the positive vibes and the negative vibes...

i don't understand what's going on, in my head. the wise thing would be to attempt to fall asleep, and push "all of that" back outside of my hula hoop. so, that's what i will attempt...

11 August 2020

 How can I be useful, today?

Would anyone appreciate a phone conversation with me?

10 August 2010

 Got several things to do on the "to do" list,

but I'm just not sure what I want to do.

Sooo... procrastinator's pause, as I post pictures found on Facebook?

10 August 2012

 I'm imagining a picture: A person holding a pack of cigarettes up to their temple, possibly with cigarettes coming out the other side of the head, like bullets.

I'm also reminded of a picture while back, where a man was chained to the ground, and he was standing on the word "addiction" where the chains were anchored.

10 August 2019

 A desire to post something positive and uplifting, yet I keep getting dragged back into awareness of my pain and suffering.

I see a world falling apart around me, as people struggle to make ends, sometimes in two or more jobs. The news tells me of violence, near and abroad, and my first reaction is to curl up in a virtual fetal position.... i want to block out everyone's anger and frustrations. I don't want to see you all suffer.

Yet, I also do not want you to lie to me with forced gratitudes or gas=lighting denials.

I should just shut up, and attempt to get some sleep. I would like to wish for a saner world. Yet, caught up in this feedback loop where your pain reminds me of my pain, and my pain steals bits and pieces of my serenity. signing off for the night...

10 August 2020

 I am currently single. I am also interested in dating women, who are also currently single...

Now, how would such dating happen, during lockdown? Are there any ladies that I know, who would be interested in writing and receiving letters, real or electronic?

9 August 2012

 My mind's playing a sneaky trick:

"If you buy a pack today, and make sure you don't smoke after midnight, then you could have a cool quit date of 8/10/12."

Aaaaaarrrgh!!!

9 August 2012

 You know...? 42 in binary is 101010.

Kind of cool, IMHO

9 August 2012

 For a few years now, I've toyed with the idea of an elemental ring around my left ankle...

9 August 2012

 "Loving Kindness" Meditation Mantra:

"Let us be happy,

Let us be peaceful,

Let us be free from suffering,

Let us be full of loving kindness."

9 August 2020

 The topic was “acceptance is the answer” (pg. 417, BB, 4th ed)

I began thinking about the unrealistic expectations that I’ve put on peoples’ communications with me - especially by phone or by internet. Maybe a like or a love reaction is used just as I use them: “I enjoy this post, but I don’t think I have time to respond to it... or I’ll just up-vote it...”

Ultimately, why do I expect several long conversations per day from a host of friends? What planted that seed in my brain and allowed it to grow?

I thought about how little I communicate back... and my poorly synchronized intimacy levels within the audiences I address. Is it possible that people are afraid to reach out, because I have public disclosures or public vulnerability? I.e., they don’t know if sensitive information can be trusted with me, because of the length and frequency of my posts. ...or they have little to no uncertainty about my life, because it’s ALL already posted online. Am I really that transparent, though - do you really KNOW ALL ABOUT ME? (Maybe disclosing lots in one arena allows me to keep silent in another - like a conversational cloaking device.)

So, ruminating on all this, and considering my recent actions (deleting lots of contacts, unfriending half my Facebook friends, restricting my phone access, abandoning past groups and activities...) -

I feel like I’m withdrawing from a past life... getting still and silent, that I may find the future path(s) before me... trying to decide what I do want to nurture and grow into and what I need to leave behind...

There’s been this feeling for 8 years that I am an outside, that I’m not considered alcoholic enough - or active enough - to be trying to gain the trust of other alcoholics. I just don’t seem to give off the right type of insanity, to have addicts and alcoholics open up with me. (I stay in lecture mode, instead of narrative mode..?)

So, as I spin out from that orbit, I feel that the AA program can provide me some tools for mitigating life’s troubles; but I doubt that it can provide me the connections or friendships that I seek - at least, if I keep on acting, as I have over the last 15 years. So, it steadily loses importance in my mind... and places me on a path of wanderlust, to abandon those groups...

...and, yet...? Where would I go instead? How can I add dimensions to my life that allow me to meet fast friends?

As I’ve been single for all but a few months of my life, as I’ve been cocooned in co-ops and group homes for most of my adult life, I really can’t fathom the challenges - the struggles and inspirations - lying ahead, to try mingling in society. I don’t relish the thought of how my actions and energy are to be allocated... it seems like an impenetrable maze, and I no longer can smell the cheese.

I’m probably becoming maudlin and dramatic, at this point - it’s part of my monologue style.

I want to believe that I see things clearly; yet I doubt that I currently do. Is it worth then, to accept false beliefs?

8 August 2010

 heard an interesting talk about boredom and dealing with the typical today. Sure, it would be nice to live a life of graduations, but I think learning how to accept and embrace waiting periods is a much better goal..?

8 August 2013

 A couple of shares, and a couple of likes... my self-control was waning a wee bit tonight...

btw, it's 3 weeks 'til my natal birthday.

I'm wondering if I should post a birthday wish list here on Facebook - or, like most birthdays I see here, will I just get a flurry of "happy birthday" wishes, and nothing else..? meh

8 August 2017

 Having a rough morning, trying to get to sleep...

So, I post on Facebook, instead of reaching out to individuals, because I trust a blanket broadcast more than a one-on-one conversation. (I can see the nay-sayers posting their replies now...) [Are there some sort of pride issues under that, too...?]

Yet, I also hold back on what my mind's telling me to post, because I feel those posts are fueled by anger and frustration; and I suspect they're attempts to take an audience hostage, to try to pull support from others, based in their own fears... but I don't want to get into nitty gritty details of that scenario...

It's the same old refrain - "I feel so alone, such lack of support, such poverty." I don't want to try to predict what you'll say in retort. I would rather see what's said, to see if I can respond.

And yet... I do want to focus:

- I do know there's people out there who enjoy my posts, my company...

- I suspect I'm not the only one who rarely, if ever, gets a personal phone call or visit. Creditors? Yeah, sure! ...but folks would rather text or facebook or email or wait to the next meetup... (than call)

- There's this feeling that everyone has to be self-sufficient, carrying their own weight, supported by their careers...

- ...yet, I see, time and time again, arguments that a person can NOT meet their basic needs on minimum wage jobs

- ...and, unfortunately, most of my jobs have been really close to minimum wage - so, I've had to struggle all of my adult life.

- Now, some would prod me into thinking I'm quite capable of landing a much better career... thus far, my attempts to keep such careers have landed in abyssmal meltdowns ("Thanks, bipolar!")

- I can hear the camp saying, "Debtor's Anonymous"!

- and, I can see my AA sponsor chiding me again for using Facebook to vent... and I'm responding, in my mind, "This is my starting point for those inventories where I'm not concerned about 'the other people' I'm admitting to..."

- I think I'd rather see lots of feedback, than put all of my faith in one person's opinions

- any way, getting tired of bullets. Simply, I'm getting tired of struggling to pay my bills, because my income doesn't seem to cover my expenses. What can I do to keep my head above water, or make it to shore?

7 August 2012

 Behind schedule at work ( on lunch right now) ... A little frustrated, and thinking it's time to prioritize the remaining tasks:

- what needs to be done?

- what can be done later, when customer traffic picks up?

- is anything optional, that can be put off 'til tomorrow?

6 August 2014

 Fallout from today's therapy:

"It's been several months now, and you're not doing anything, outside of these sessions, to improve your situation. I see an addiction, centered heavily by games and Facebook, fueled by and fueling a depression..."

Now, what else can I do, at bus stops... At home...? Do I need to seek out a different 12 step program, addressing that addiction?

'Where can the sage instill better discipline for the monkey?'

6 August 2014

 Once again, just feeling a disconnect.

People's shares sound like Charlie Brown's teacher, and not remembering what was said earlier in the past...

There's very little interest, on my part, in the lives of those around me. Hmmff.

6 August 2019

 The mish-mash of feelings and perceptions:

- I can post stuff to Facebook, yet it feels like it goes unnoticed.

- I can share in a meeting, and yet no one talks about it, afterwords.

- I begin to second-guess myself, asking, "will any of this hold their attention?"

There's so much noise in the air, and so many people want to be heard (to feel important?) and I feel like I'm drowning. You realize that nobody hears a drowning person... or so I've heard it said....??

A feeling that no one puts weight to my words - the wallflower syndrome, if you will? That heart-sinking feeling that no one else wants to take the time to care about me, that we're all trying to be independent little agents....

Now, I realize there's some faulty perception in all of that, some unrealistic expectations of how we should all interact. There's this yearning to be back in high school, where I could hang out most nights of the week with my best friend, playing pool in his garage. There's also this betrayal lingering in the air, when my first girlfriend reconnected with me, one night, only to tell me never to see her again on the next day....

This awful realization that my boundaries are too flimsy, and my obsessions can grow to be too intense (even for my sanity)... this unmet desire to have a small, intimate world when it's really a scary, big unknown...

...and a weird twist in the gut, as I ruminate on my old 90's quote: "How much of our lives is just idle conversation?" ...this feeling that, by choosing not to talk about politics or celebrity, I am taking away other people's safe zones of small talk. ....similarly, by refusting to admit my attractions and lusts, I have pushed myself out of the realm of dating, because I'm no longer "reading the dating scripts"...

and, lurking in the background, there's that information anxiety, where I'd like to join the conversations and yet I'm afraid of appearing the fool, because I don't have the standard collection of relevant facts to refer to - sort of like failing horribly at having a fandom conversation. (we want to share stories, even if everyone present has heard the story - because we want to box present moments up in those stories...? I do not know....)

I scream a muffled scream, as I'm left to be a spectator to how grand and magnificent you all are. After you walk away, I doubt if I had anything worthwhile to say.

 eh.. book smarts can't hold a candle to street smarts. just sayin'...

5 August 2012

 I'm not sure if I got more than a half hour of sleep. I couldn't get back to sleep...

Sooo... Tonight's probably a 5-hour energy night, and I suspect I'll be quite silly by the morning.

Then again, not sure if game night's going to happen at the Tomato, so I might be able to attempt a nap this afternoon...

5 August 2017

 Reaction: I want to disappear. At least, lay low and hide under the covers...

Probably back to posting "On This Day" poems and nothing else for a while...

5 August 2018

 It's hard to describe my brain, when my brain's having difficulty describing things...

an attempt: lots of exhaustion, dizzy spells, difficulty concentrating... plus all the signs of encroaching depression (mood-wise)

not sure if I'm able to stay in "safe mode boot" right now...

off and on, over the last month or two?

5 August 2019

 So, this makes me pause, as I have caused harm by my words, especially online and via text, over the past few years. (I even want to minimize that, by pointing at my past history with Christmas cards...)

Still, I question if I have to back-pedal on those harmful turns of phrase, particularly when they are "attempts to correct" - i.e. attempts to point out what I believe may be harmful attitudes or behaviors in others.

No, I am not always right, and I am quite willing to try to repair damage caused when I later recognize my wrongs. However, I am also not "always wrong", too.

Is there **always** a kinder, softer way to express ideas, so that no harm is caused? If not, am I willing to accept the pain that I will cause others, and possibly myself, by trying to exert my opinions upon the world? (Does that make sense? I do not know. I may be arguing out of a theoretical standing, instead of concrete evidence. I may also be hurting my argument, by babbling on, so...)

4 August 2010

 Shower. Eat at Zen. 1313. Off to work the short shift. Some puttering on the computer. Morning nap. Still undecided if I'll see Chris Gates at Maria's, but going to make an effort to catch some of Amanda's show at Strange Brew. Might do the Trails at 5:45 tomorrow, too.. Yup, that looks like my 24+ hours in a nutshell.

4 August 2017

 I need to vent...

To tame my demons in my head, before they overcome me.

I return to Facebook, because it's 3:24 a.m. here, and I don't want to disrupt somebody else's sleep. If these thoughts continue to bother me, I know that I can always call a hotline.

There was a strong ideation tonight, to plunge a knife into my heart. My hand was feeling around to best find the heartbeat. I didn't go so far as to put a knife in my hand, though.

It sucks that I feel so overwhelmed, at times, that I just want to run away, give up, surrender. I want a quick fix, even if it takes me out. My mind focuses on all the "bad things" in my life, and it tells me, "You're not a success. You're such a failure. You're just sucking up valuable resources that could be better used by somebody else."

"Romances or Finances" - those are usually cited as the big life problems (at least, in some AA meetings I've been to).

It doesn't seem like there's any romance in my life. More generally, I feel a social isolation that's partly perpetuated by my own actions. Every once in a while, I crave company; but, mostly, I'm alright with a single life. Yet, the isolation feels more intense, when I think there's no one that I can turn to for help. Eh. that's flawed "all or nothing" thinking. I have support networks, yet I'm afraid to tap into them, especially for financial assistance.

Then, there's finances. I'm still in a state of flux with my income, trying to balance the two jobs. This, in turn, is leading to bills delayed or unpaid. I've had to get dental work done, and other medical bills are showing up. It's frustrating, because it seems that all that I can cover is rent, and some of the food - leaving no money for the bus ticket(s), phone, health insurance. Then there's three credit cards... I don't know if I could travel for a death or marriage in my family. (I also really need to look into life insurance - deaths have their own expenses)

I know that I can tap into food banks to bolster my pantry. I can apply for food stamps - $16 per month is better than nothing. I need to face my creditors - even though I don't know what payments they'll accept.

It would be good to get into a better paying career; but finding that mythical beast seems so difficult. I did apply to one career today, in mathematics education...

Future-tripping, though, isn't helping me get to sleep, peacefully, now. For me, that can be a slippery slope, slipping into either a deep depression, a mania, or a mixture of both.

Is there a quick fix? I feel parts of my body itch, so maybe a benadryl? Or maybe throwing more blankets on, as a cold front has come through, and the house is colder than it used to be... Or, maybe I'm meant to suffer, tonight...

4 August 2017

 This is an observation, and I'll try to keep it short:

Most of my text posts try to use Facebook as an online diary. They are some of the inner workings of my mind, that I'm willing to share in this semi-public forum, because I trust a good chunk of my Facebook friends with that info.

In many ways, they're just observations, or, to borrow from meditation, notings.

I'm not a big fan of unsolicited advice on them. "Here, let me man-splain my solution for that..."

I say that... and I like to think that, "Were I to need help, I'd be brave enough and direct enough to ask for help." (Yet, part of me suspects somebody's going to call BS on that...)

However, I have been accused in the past of being a "passive-aggressive little s***", so perhaps there are underlying motives looking for feedback in making "my observations"...

I also suspect that part of my misunderstanding, and y'all's is how things get lost in translation. Just writing a post, without body language, without the feedback loops, and using imperfect language can create several interpretations in the people reading this stuff...

4 August 2019

 my first thoughts feel like whining, again...

today seemed ok, though. my saturday Arkham deck builder card group made it through part two with minimal damage, and minimal mistakes. the topic at AA was from the 12&12; and I got to babble on about it. Made some food at home, and watched two movies.

I became aware that we had a shooter in El Paso, which I'm not sure if I've become desensitized to these events, as they happen rather often. yes, it's distressing, but i do not know what small moves I can make to diffuse future events...

I'm itching again, and I'm hoping that the antibiotic cream may help clear that up. I still have laundry to fold, and a desire to hop in the shower. I'd like to be asleep before 3...

yet, some of the games on the phone are one my mind... damn my competitive streak... damn the obsessions..

...and again... i want to feel like a regular part of other people's lives. perhaps i want to be distracted from my own, with its limited pallette of choices. perhaps I want to be forgiven? perhaps I want the mystery removed from what i've done wrong...

i could see this as a route back into heavy reading.

i want to shy away from celebrity gossip and politics, though; as I feel like I have so little ability to influence the actions of people who aren't in the room with me.

3 August 2016

 My shoes are getting some wear and tear on them:

- uneven soles

- beginnings of holes in the souls

....

I wonder if the Shoe Fairy might lead me to some low low cost replacements, as funds are super tight, at the moment. I do have my belly button birthday at the end of the month....

At least, these shoes lasted me for about a year. Not bad for an Academy $35 purchase.

I think my shoe size is 9 1/2, and I prefer durable shoes that could double as dress shoes (dark leather lace-ups).

Ok, shoe fairy! Do your magic!

3 August 2017

 I don't want to eat what food I have at home, because i'm not sure when I'll replace it...?

"Hoarding the Scraps"...?

______________________

That, or I just don't want to put the time and energy into preparing it...?

"Is That Procrastination in a New Suit?"

3 August 2017

 Why do I never (well, very rarely) get asked on dates?

2 Auguset 2015

 I'm thankful for the times when I'm content because they help me get through the times when I feel hopeless.

1 August 2012

 Off-the-wall..?

My mind is not like a squirrel's mind. For all I know, a squirrel could be the most peaceful and serene being, thoroughly enjoying the present moment.

Rather, my mind is like the squirrel, running hither and thither through the trees, unable to settle down and rest.

1 August 2017

 Breaking one of my rules: "don't use phone in meeting"

Topic: "pause when agitated"

Me: working on bad sleep, last night + low on cash and food

Very difficult to suppress the desire to just let out a primal scream... sitting on the pity pot, thinking to myself, "poor me, poor me..."

I will be silent, and I suspect I will be ignored once the meeting ends.

I like this meeting, when I'm feeling stable. When I'm not, everything turns sour quickly...

Aaaaiiiiggghhhh!!

1 August 2019

 On the one hand, I hear my paranoia whining, "Nobody wants you in their life. All of your past friendships are deteriorating, by the day. You should just abandon all of that past, and start over.... it would let you drink again, too!"

Another piece of my mind claims that no Texan wants to deal with a car-less individual. Texas is just too sprawled and too big.

whine, whine, whine....

__________________

When I think of the reality, I've structured my life to where I'm isolating. Most of my time is spent at either of the two jobs, or in transit to them. I'm normally well-received, when I'm at the jobs. I got so used to communal living that I don't have a good idea of how to live life in an apartment style.

feels like more whine, whine, whine...

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I think that I only want people in my life, when I become afraid that I can not meet my life's requirements on my own...?

Yes, there's the people in recovery who would wave the "life is unmanageable" flag, or the "trust God" flag.... i see the truths in that, and yet I still want to manage my life and I still want to lean into my community, instead (for my God is expressed best through community actions)

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i do not know what value there is, in writing this post.

i do not know if there is a cry for help, here... or if it's just a midnight terror before laying in an empty bed?

there's a thirst for company, and a fear that none is to be had