26 August 2019

 I will be turning 47 on this Thursday. If you want to get me a birthday gift; may I suggest sending money to my PayPal?

PayPal.Me/JodyBean42

-no need to package a box and pay shipping

-no middle-man Facebook, deducting from donations to a charity

-you can add a message that could be your birthday card

Of course, you could just opt out of getting any gifts, and rely on Facebook’s birthday reminders...

26 August 2020

 [ Just another set of my opinions - Jody ]

-----------------------------

"I thought I was someone else, someone good.

OH, it's such a perfect day, I'm glad I spent it with you."

heard about a minute ago, on Lou Reed's "Perfect Day", playing via Spotify...

..."You're going to reap just what you sow...."

-----------------

Significant synchronicity? Random Juxtaposition.... hell if i know.

Now, Spotify has queued up the 2015 Remaster of Bowie's "Life on Mars"

_______________

Are we heavily influenced by the media we buy into? Yes.

Does it provide a prebuilt structure that I want to map my life onto? Yes.

So, I'm reminded of Jimmy Parker's comment that "Return of the King" should have ended when Sam and Frodo were stranded on the rock outcroppings around Mount Doom's lava flows - like, yes, they got their quest finished but there's no certainty of being saved, after... almost like a "Rogue 1" ending.

I'm reminded that life is not Hallmark Fairy Tales, that we aren't ever guaranteed anything... that sometimes we just have to trudge and sometimes we'll end up hurting each other. People end up on the streets through a series of unfortunate events. People make choices that they can't get out of - like losing a limb from diabetes?

I really don't have to have people's approval. I want it, because it makes me feel slightly more safer and secure. I think that being in a tribe, or even an organization multiplies our collective power and helps distribute strengths to balance out weaknesses...

But that's not always true. We can all be guilty of the same fault(s)... We can all have flawed ways of treating our homes - whether it be our planet or our tribe. We can all favor a celebrity and ignore an unknown....

It just hurts to think I might simply be another unknown... another evolutionary dead-end... an undesirable that most people would rather not take the time to engage with.

To think that my mix of Pink Floyd, Tom Waits, Monty Python, Neil Gaiman and God only knows what is just too jumbled together for people to appreciate. To think that in "trying to be woke", I end up "being put to sleep" (...which is probably a horrible phrasing of some strange sociological forces at play...)

...and to say that I must be the problem, and nobody else has done any wrong - when I really don't know if I truly believe that, in my core. Maybe, I don't want people to get angry at accusations, because I don't want to have to invest a lot of energy in trying to defend them. So, instead, I just try to silence the accusations and they become weird paranoia preying upon my conscience...

Is the current age characterized by a different process of showing disapproval compared to the 00's, 80', and 60's ? More than likely, yes. Do I know what those different processes are? Only hazily - mostly learned through the stories we watch, the media we digest...

(and now i'm reminded of an article, earlier this week - how books like "the power of positive thinking" are getting traced as the beginning of horrible trends in modern America....)

25 August 2012

Just saw Amanda play a great show at JAX Neighborhood Cafe... 

25 August 2012

 Wondering if it would be worth my while to explore okcupid again... Wondering if any women that I actually know in real life find me remotely attractive... Wondering if I'm trying to live by a set of rules that guarantee a life alone...

Ah, yeah... How the lonely heart can fuel fears and resentments. Bleh.

25 August 2019

 (Silently swearing..?)

“I want to die.”

...no, I just feel overwhelmed. I feel less than - perhaps marginalized?

(Somebody quips, “feelings are not facts”... another: “well, when that happened to me, I...”... and another, and another - so many voices trying to be heard)

That’s how I imagine it, when, in reality, it’s more like the deafening roar of silence - everyone’s self-absorbed.

The horrible thing is that I don’t know if I make sense when I speak. I don’t know if I’m getting on your level, speaking your language.

I don’t know if you even care. (Well, That is unfair... all or nothing statement, there...)

I imagine the baby on the high chair, banging his spoon for attention... evoking an image of Trump to parallel.

Attention-grabbing... power-seeking... clamoring to be heard, to be seen favorably? (That’s not me - is that me? ...pointing to conversations instead of monologues and 4 a.m. postings)

Now, I’ve lost my steam, because it scrolled off the screen.

(I do not know if there is “an easy fix”... I do not know if I can make sense... I do not know if anyone, myself included, wants to have a fearless conversation...)

I do not know.

So, I want to die.

Oblivion.

—————-

(Taking a cue off an earlier post, I retreat to my bed, to sleep through the depression...)

25 August 2020

 10:45 - 11:40 : breakfast at Arrandas!

Then off to the in-person 12@12

(Trying to have some live interactions, with mask)

25 August 2020

 USCCB Daily Readings - 25 August 2020 (Matthew 23):

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, you hypocrites.

You pay tithes of mint and dill and cummin,

and have neglected the weightier things of the law:

judgment and mercy and fidelity.

But these you should have done, without neglecting the others.

Blind guides, who strain out the gnat and swallow the camel!...”

24 August 2016

 Update for all, at Donna's request:

I'm feeling some muscle soreness and stiffness, especially on my tail bone. The cut on my head did not require stitches, and the pain there has subsided. the CAT Scan showed no internal head damage, so I think my brain's as quirky as ever....

Need to schedule a follow-up with my PCP next week - will do that after I log off here.

I have not yet contacted the driver's insurance about reasonable compensation. I have no experience with auo acciden claims, so I welcome any advice y'all may have, or recommended lawyers.. Wondering if Bradlee may know of some good referrals?

I was still able to work today with low pain levels..

24 August 2018

 I woke up at 5:45, this morning, and started gathering steam to charge into the day...

now, i'm extremely deflated, ready to crawl back under the covers.

I think I overwhelmed myself when I considered my planning.

24 August 2020

 I'm still fighting the feelings that "Nobody - absolutely nobody - would consider me as a life partner."

I try to convince myself that's not the truth, but there's just no evidence to build a case against the statement. So, I'm left wondering if I'm fine being by myself, and I'm really NOT fine with that.

It just makes life seem so fucking futile...

I know the old AA idea: "Imagine your ideal partner, and then grow to become like them."

I'm trying, even if it's baby steps. (I don't understand why we can't grow towards perfection, together, though - instead of having to be perfect, a priori...)

I imagine there's some crap points in my personality,

contributed by fear, the bipolar brain, addictive behaviors, and more...

There's also some definite status deficiencies that people dislike: no car, no house, no savings, no retirement...

And I'm certainly not making good motions that I'm interested in available parties - another defeat from my fears: "Don't blame me! Blame sexual harassment!"

And, right now, I'm probably perceived by you, gentle reader, as just harping on the same tune, again - with no noticeable growth since the last post like this.

Loneliness fucking sucks.

Wanting too much attention fucking sucks.

Seeing how my brain starts the suicidal ideations, just because I'm lonely? (Still fucking sucks.)

Do I go kick around the dating sites again, in the hopes that some random stranger is a magic cure-all for all my loneliness ills? Pshaw... I'm not ready to go through that "meet and greet grinder"" again. I mean, if I just wanted sex without connection - that's pretty easy to gain, but really fucking unsatisfying.

I liked it, back in the day, when people wrote letters back and forth. I liked it, when we gathered for events, at each others' house - or possibly, at a local vendor.

Right now, it all feels like we're all in little glass jars, with our voices bouncing around inside. If we're lucky, we got trapped with a couple of others - even though they might bug us.

Alas... I am second class materials in a society that demands priority hand-delivered curios. (I play at making at a USPS analogy, and I probably fall flat, even there.)

I'm also 47, going on 48. So, most of my traditional potential partners are no longer available, having been married, for years. I imagine the available ones remaining, are a bit stir crazy, like myself - because we both feel that we missed our boats when they sailed. I'd be willing to date "outside of my traditional parameters", on some fronts -- but I'm pretty sure I'd still balk at some of the others.

yay. another essay. i still fucking want to curl up and die. ...and I think that "flight instead of fight" is definitely NOT a good point of attraction - everyone wants a confident guy, right?

(I kind of hate writing to the Facebook blob.

why didn't I want to call someone, instead?

I think I texted 3 people to check...

Hell, the thoughts have been put out there - I'll post them, anyway.

As far as I know, I'm only talking from my own perception, and not about anybody else, specifically...

so, this will probably die another Facebook post's unnoticed death)

23 August 2009

 Aaaahh! The sweat-soaked shirt! The musky smell, clinging to my skin, nipples barely visible, leaving puddles wherever I sit... "Ah, yes, how do I love this 'benefit' of the sweltering Texas summer heat..."

23 August 2011

 ...and - like *That* - I disappeared for weeks and weeks...

I didn't see anything interesting in my brief return here, but it might just be a slow night. My suspicions are that, with work and school and all, I'll be more of a shadow lurker for the next few months - it's bit tedious, typing on a phone...

Birthday base riddle : 23 August 2017

My dad's birthday is one day before mine. When he turned 40, I turned 4. Now, he's turning 111, while I'll be 55.

Can you determine why?

23 August 2019

 i do not understand this writer's block. some sort of fear is welling up, telling me that I have nothing new to write... and that anything I have written has become bland and unnoticed.

23 August 2019

 So much of my Day borders on solitary pursuits. Yet, I’m surrounded by people?

Do I tell a lie? Do I have difficulty connecting?

I have grown so weary of “my stories”...

(Whining on the bus ride home...)

23 August 2020

“Expecting amends from others does not create closure.”

23 August 2020

 The desire to call out hasn't reached critical mass, yet... For that matter, the desire to write a Facebook post feels rather forced, too.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around over-sharing. I'm still using a paragraph with three supporting sentences, for comparing. ...do I break the pattern, to make a new paragraph, now?

but of course.. "Screw standardizations, if it can hammer home a point!"

I can see how a simple, direct statement has a bit more "umph" than a big long chain of clauses and conditons. I can see it... but my math mind, my science mind - they want those clauses and conditions to prevent you from jumping to erroneous conclusions:

"explain the possibilities away before they were considered."

...and I'm trying to delve deep, and think why the explanations need to be so simple. why the sharing should be in short bursts?

Honestly? I suspect information gets lost, especially when it's only heard, and so adding all those clauses and conditions makes it harder to stay on top of the conversation...

oh, aside here... I forgot my bipolar brain, when it's gone manic, again. it's horrible how much memory i'm trying to dump. I've sat and jotted down notes of triggered thoughts, while other people were sharing - just to keep those thoughts from being overbearing.

If you don't let me go off on the tangents, then I'll get lost in them. I suspect this is why I much prefer reading and writing to speaking and listening. Having my voice sounding the words in my head, and reading them with my eyes, at a leisurely pace - with a chance to rewind when confused... yeah, it's much easier to remember a lot more information.

Now.... having talked about my speech - what about all of yours? If I go over-explaining, do I lose you? Do I leave no opportunities left to contribute to our conversation? Do I basically dump a load on you, so that I'm empty-handed but you're carrying double the weight?

I know this is a long post, now. I'm sure someone could turn it into a short, sweet meme... Yet, I think we have a bit of a conversation crisis - with so many channels, so much information - everyone;s trying to speak, and who then is left to listen?

Do we muffle straight, middle-aged, white males like myself - simply because they've been the dominant speakers, forever!? Actually, yes, and I DO try to keep my verbal comments low...

but who's reading the Facebook feed? who's watching all the channels of TV? Have we hit the multiplication point so that there's too much diversity of opinion out there? How did fake news become such a phenomenon, anyway? Is it just a strange by-product of well-delivered irony and sarcasm? After all, I think good irony can be tough to detect by its particular targets...

My brain spins about conversation - it has since high school. I want to make better sense out of it... I want to have a variety of styles at my fingertips.

Yet, honestly? I think I've lost most of my audience. And so, there's a little more mass put on the desire to call out... There's a little more sadness, because I feel alone and unappreciated, far too often. (I'm only feeding that, by writing so many essays - because I don't know when they will be read, and by who.)

Plus, "Facebook IS a scrapbook" - a dumping ground for memes.... Here, long essays often die quick deaths.

22 August 2010

A chameleon personality tries to fit in with their social group by parroting the words and actions of their fellows... leads to different personas, none of which is a true display of the inner self. "I think my mom euphemised this by talking about putting on hats for the situation - her worker's hat, her mom's hat, . . ."

22 August 2013

I think I only got 3 hours of sleep last night. So, I'm going to lay down, and see if I can add 3 more hours of sleep...

I don't feel tired right now, but I also have a busy afternoon later today, and don't want to be dragging my heels through it...

21 August 2013

 I'm isolating, and want to break out of it. Does anyone want to meet up with me at Strange Brew, tonight (Wednesday 8/21), after 10 pm?

21 August 2014

 Anyone got plans for tonight?

I have no Facebook events and no personal appointments, so I'm free and flexible.

I also have some tabletop games itching to be played...

If you have my phone number, it may be better to call me, as I think I'm shelving Facebook for the afternoon.

21 August 2014

 Oh yeah. My bump's scheduled to be cut out tomorrow morning... Not sure how I feel about that, yet.

Will scalp stitches and walking in the Texas sun mingle well together?

21 August 2016

 I feel hopeless about my finances.

I don't know if working two jobs will solve my ills, or just breed new ones around time budgeting. Part of me wants to say, "Keep trudging. Keep trusting. There's a light some where ahead..."

It's frustrating, though, as I'm slipping further and further behind on rent; and groceries are dwindling away, and the other bills are getting put into defaults...

Why? Why can I not seem to get out of poverty? How can I change, and start reducing debt and saving money, for once?

25 years of living in Austin, and it all feels like financial hell...

20 August 2012

A little bit of sleep, and a little bit of spending money makes me feel a little bit serene.

20 August 2012

 Sooo... I got to wondering...

Why do many people prefer to focus on the negative or the differences they encounter?

(see comments)

20 August 2016

Always enjoyed using my 4-color pens while tutoring... one color for the bare bones math calculations, two colors or more in the graphs, one color for explanatory reminders when the student would look over the work later at home...

20 August 2019

 ..a long string of almost words... (snipped from Kimm’s status update)

Recalling one director’s documentary on their relative with Alzheimer’s... and the babbling brook that they muttered, late in the disease...

Recalling my anger, my friends’ anger, even stranger anger - all trying to latch on to some travesty in our society, and I wonder, “is that some defense, some blame game, to avoid taking s hard look at ourselves?”

Recalling surrealism and post-modern magic, where the word strings become art and the art laughs heartily at the world and everyone trying to make sense out of it all...

But, in the end, it all feels like a wobbly Tower of Babel. The confusion, the hustle, the inconclusive...

Would that I had sanctuary, a quiet place from all this alien... would that I did not feel compelled to be understand...

Would that I could sit by your side, in a beautiful reality where we could contemplate... where we could piece the jigsaw of life together again... cooperatively or individually, as times would allow - without this imperious urge to compete so violently, just to be heard

20 August 2020

 Am I not worthy of love?

20 August 2020

 Am I expecting a particular outcome?

19 August 2018

 My general conclusion, right now, is that very few people care about me. I really don't know how poorly that sits with me, but it doesn't make me comfortable.

- I did try to avoid a blanket all-or-nothing statement,

- I also made a pass at exploring my emotions,

- I have tried discussing my current difficulties with some others, outside of Facebook,

- Yet, I may have let anger loose after the 5:30 AA meeting

= I wanted, but perhaps did not need, to let out some of the steam I have towards AA around these issues.

Yet, again...

- Facebook posting, though it hits a larger audience, is the megaphone shouting in the dinner party...

- and, letting anger take over could be manufacturing unneeded misery and drama

- and, if I keep crying wolf, no one wants to be there when the pack arrives.

So fucking tired of this mockery of a life I've gotten trapped in. Where is the epitomal needle upon my camel's back? ...and will it break my back, or get me moving out of the sun?

So fucking tired...

19 August 2020

 Another day where I feel like running into traffic, or diving off of an overpass...

Right now, I recognize all that as my brain trying to escape from uncomfortable feelings. Yet... “Daaaaammmnn, Brain! Why ya gotta be so mean..?!?”

‘Don’t bother me, Pinky... I’m cogitating on how to escape the rat race...’ -

19 August 2020

 I'm trying to dig myself a pit, filled with self-pity...

I started over-explaining on that, but that might water down the idea.

18 August 2010

 wonders if it's time to go weeding his wall, and nixing old notes, all in an attempt to "create a better first impression" here on Facebook..

18 August 2012

 Just passed the old 7-Eleven, and the McClane's grocery truck was parked outside...

Two thoughts:

1) it's 2 a.m. Man, I feel sorry for the night shift...

2) boy, am I glad that I don't have to work trick nights, now...

18 August 2012

 Sooo... I post a lot of stuff to Facebook, but, honestly what I'm not sharing is...

18 August 2012

 iTunes is cool and all...

...but it would be a lot cooler if it played albums in the order they were arranged.

Abbey Road just ain't the same when on shuffle.

18 August 2014

 Some times I find myself donning the nosy relative hat, and commenting, "You're smart, You're beautiful, and you have a great personality - so why are you still single?"

Then, I remember that you, like me, may well be quite comfortable with living by ourselves...

18 August 2014

 Also, on the way home, the thought crept into my mind, "How can I end my suffering(s)? How!?"

Strange physical body pains throughout my body, pangs of loneliness, financial insecurities... Yeah...

I guess Buddhism has some merits, for a release from suffering. Oh, there's also getting a better job, and maybe finding my better fitting career. Unfortunately, suicidal thoughts can sneak in, too, when the pain feels acutely so...

18 August 2014

 Meh.

Maybe what I need is an awesome massage, gratis...

18 August 2017

 Still trying to figure out "our issue with symbols"...

Should I be offended when someone burns a US flag? ...what if it were another country's flag?

Should I respect that some people do not want to be reminded of the past, embodied in public Confederate statues (or statues of Stalin, or...)?

Should I not get angry, when gangs leave their tags, as that's just them exercising their freedom of speech?

Should I not get angry when others activate an individual's triggers by their "artistic expression"?

I do not have answers for you. However, be careful of the idolatry you give to these public places and symbols, for they are all impermanent and subject to change.

I am reminded of Ozymandius' two pillars in the sand...

17 August 2010

 Sunset after a Texas thunderstorm - the world sure was an interesting shade of orange..

16 August 2019

 Danger: all or nothing statement

“Nobody wants to hear every detail of another person’s life. For one, we are all trying to juggle our individual lives, making it difficult to pack two lives of details into our one life that we live.

For two, most people desire entertainment, yet avoid sadness and strife. So, most people do not enjoy the helplessness created when faced with life situations that they can not directly manage and control.”

(Feels like manic bouncing, a bit. Spewing ideas at the wall, hoping something sticks or clicks...)

(Why broadcast the negatives; when that rarely generates responses? Well, if the point of conversation is to resolve issues, are the broadcasts creating conversation? <no>

(If, on the other hand, speech and conversation are simply bridges for uncovering shared experiences, then being vocal about negatives may provide the light for someone else to say “me, too”...)

Why must I broadcast whatever I would like to share? ...and how much is lost in translation, or via medium...

16 August 2020

 I said, “no writing”...

Yet, I still want to ask for attention. I want proof that I am valued by the people in my life.

I want more conversations and less dissertations. The world news is fucking horrible, sliding into abominable - I get it...

Everyone’s nerves have been frayed into billions of nano-fibers. People are snapping all over each other, as chaos rolls wildly through society...

But... that’s a “dissertation”, right? Me, trying to present an expert opinion without solid research facts / making broad generalizations on only a handful of incidents...

Please! Tell us what you ate for dinner! Tell us about the hobbies keeping your mind curious and collected! Share some great personal stories from both your near and distant past!

...and help us understand how we can better help you reach your personal goals.

Kick the soapbox out, from under my feet, that I may do the same. That I may get honest with you, especially in-person, or on the phone (and hopefully with less use of social media); and that you may get honest with the people you care about (I do hope that I am in that group!)...

We can.

We can better take care of this world.

We can better take care, if we take time to care for each other...

16 August 2020

 I keep trying to convince myself that I am entirely to blame for my loneliness. It makes me devalue my worth, it makes me avoid blaming friends and family for any kind of self-centeredness...

I want to scream across my media channels how unfair it feels, yet I suspect my media channels have become quite defunct - quite possibly due to too many past screams. ...and there, I try to take on the blame again...

I'm not integrated into people's lives. I'm not a vital part of most people's activities. I'm just drowning in the ocean, and there's not a boat to be found nearby - much less a life preserver.

There's this theme: nobody wants to hear what I have to say, because I say too much.

...and so, I want to unplug. I want to just focus on what's in front of me, only. Yet I really do care about my friends and family. Perhaps I care too much, that I want to respect their privacy, and not interfere with them, when they're not in the room... (and even when they are in the room)

and there I go again, trying to put all the blame on my shoulders, leaving no fault for others.

Like I always have to be the first to call,

I always have to start the conversations,

I always have to be willing to step away if I'm not wanted or welcome (even if just momentarily)

I really do want to unplug, though.

I really don't want to find myself worrying about people who aren't interacting with me

-- yet I wonder if that's a dangerous game, considering how strongly people want their convictions and expectations supported.

Is it too much to unplug, and deactivate?

Would I be crippling myself by abandoning all things electronic - or even just the less efficient things?

I never wanted to be chained to a phone, or chained to a computer - yet, by some strange twist of fate - "HERE WE ARE..."

and the fear, I guess, is, "if i unplug and deactivate, how then will I be able to keep up with the people I care about?"

I said, "no writing" yesterday, yet I'm writing again - limited communications options, see? I'm going to try to stop writing again, because "I fucking hate Facebook's style of discourse!"

I'm trying to unplug,

yet I'm also holding on to ten years of history, in case it could be put to good use...

and I'm also barely holding on to my contacts here - in case that's the only way that a friend can reach me...

I'm tired of talking in monologues. I'm tired of 3-minute shares. I'm soooo tired of people trying to make big points in a hollow medium....

(...and I kick myself, because I still ended up on the computer, because I'd rather engage in solitary pursuits - like reading, drawing, or watching tv.... "Hey, Youtube!" )

Oh, I'm really tired of asking a question online or by text and never getting an answer - that kind of feels like bad disrespect, there. Yet, not every question deserves an answer, I guess...

At least we're not trying to use smoke signals or morse code to communicate. ...and, yeah, I think everyones' circles of confidantes are really disintegrating down to whoever's "in the room" with them, right now - we're all little castaways on our home islands.

15 August 2016

 Very little interest in Facebook lately..... Except I keep checking it every day.

Wonder what I'm expecting, but not getting...

15 August 2019

I do not know what status update has value. It’s akin to my writing components’ writer’s block...