19 April 2018

 Took a nap, a couple of hours ago. Now, my mind doesn't want to sleep.

feeling a low buzz of anxiety, and a touch of hunger...

Lots of anxiety, swimming around, under the surface. Feeling worried about upcoming bills? ..or about my job prospects being very uncertain during the spring/summer semester break?

Despair is trying to pull me under, as it has in the past. It's whispering, "You have nothing to live for, so why do you keep living?", and the old refrain, "Stop being a drain on society."

It's very frustrating, to feel that life's become such a series of unmanageable hurdles. It's painful, to think I'm so disconnected, perhaps even exiled or shunned. I want to chalk that up to paranoia, yet I can't see good evidence that most people would like for me to be in their lives. No phone calls, emails, letters, social media comments, visits... and part of me suspects that I appear so impoverished, that they fear I may ask for support.

part of me suspects... that I dug a hole, in my grand poetry experiment. ...or through facebook posts sharing a bit too much?

part of me, on the unrevised drafts, would rather use "all or nothing statements" instead of teasing out the finer nuances of reality. Yes, there are people who interact with me. It's not a large set of people, and it's not 24/7 - but they are there...

part of my isolation is my own damn fault, because I personally don't prioritize reaching out to others in my daily activities, especially by phone calls or live visits. It's more out of ignorance than fear - most of the time, I'm just not thinking beyond the world in my personal sensory space. Yet, living in that small world has led to a small life.

Unfortunately, a small life does not seem to be capable of supporting my basic needs. At least, not in my current neighborhood, city, state, country, world... and there's another anxiety, predicting that humanity is quite readily turning the world into a place where humans can't live anymore - at least socially and ecologically.

yay. another rant in the middle of the night. ...and I'm predicting the comments will be sparse... (because Facebook is dying, because so many people unfollowed me and then forgot about me, or maybe just because the timing's not right...)

I will now attempt to sleep, hoping this has emptied my mind, for the moment.

18 April 2009

 haikus: "Rainy morn/Clouds now dot the sky/Sun shines warm"

18 April 2020

 So, I got to wondering on the walk home from work: "Is there a market out there for yard signs that say, 'Beware of God'?"

18 April 2012

 Set aside the negative feelings of self-pity, and ask, "How can I be useful today?"

Then, follow through...

Tutoring ad: 18 April 2014

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P.o.t.D. 4/18/15 "Pollen sucks."

Look! Pretty flowers -

"Ack! Ack! Thbbt..." (They're killing me,

These damn allergens...)

"confusion" : 18 April 2016

 A brain begat a babbling brook

Of weary words, and worries weird...

17 April 2010

What, oh what, will my status be this morn? Will sleep come to me, on angels' wings born? Perhaps they, of Iceland ash, I need warn... I wonder if I'll keep on rhyming - "Darn!" At least, I'm not shooting at the broad side of a barn. (OK, I'll stop, now, this silly little yarn...)

17 April 2011

 How many cups of coffee can I take,

Before I find myself stuck, wide awake?

17 April 2012

 *pondering discretion/confidentiality*

I think there are still topics and events that people are uncomfortable discussing in public settings...

One must be especially careful when talking about another person, or even with another - exercise tact and consideration of what harm could be done to that person...

However, does that mean that we are to be restricted to talking only about rainbows and unicorns? Or, more commonly, to celebrities, sports, and the weather?

Ye-eah... I still hold by my 1992 signature line: "how much of our lives is just idle conversation?"

17 April 2014

 "Life is an unanswered question, but let's believe in the dignity and importance of the question."

- Tennessee Williams

("Zen Calendar: Wednesday, 16 April 2014")

P.o.t.D. 4/17/15: "Separation Anxiety..?"

Seasons roll on, in this cycle of life.

Despite our clinging to those brief moments,

The Grim will swing wide his razor scythe

And separate us from our sharp torments.

17 April 2017

 there's this low level anxiety

just eating away at my sanity

worried the president will trigger a world war

while he gleefullly cuts and slashes

his way through decades of regulations,

some good some out of date

god damn it, though, i think

they all want to reinvent the wheel

under some guise of one moral code?

i want environmental regulations,

yet i'm indifferent to sex conduct

and i hate to watch education

being sold to the cheapest dollar

i know not about finances

or immigrants despised

or little old ladies

losing money to live their lives

well, i know what internet memes

shout at every corner of the web,

all the fester, when not tied to... facts?

i despair, i lose hope,

i wallow in misery

because i can not see

how i can change the world:

does a phone call, or a march,

have any real impact -

do i have the energy to join in,

or is it just protesting too much?

so, there's that -

frustrations abound your government..

not mine! I voted for the Democrats.

...and i'm sure there's those out there

who would strip me five ways to Sunday

for playing in to the two-party system.

bringing it back to my hula hoop -

i want to be loved, cherished, and respected...?

i want to spend my evenings with friends,

telling about our days' adventures...

I want to date an elegant lady,

who doesn't write me off, for living in poverty...

I want to weigh 180..160..140..?

whatever weight eliminates this belly...

yet again, i feel imprisoned

by my present -

afraid to flirt,

because I don't want to harass;

yet feeling I will be overlooked,

never approached,

because i'm trying wo live outside the old mold

"a common refrain, going back to the 80's"

i can see it now,

being chastised and chided,

by some of my closest friends:

"Why don't you take the initiative?"

...and as I sink into a deep, dark oubliette,

my parting thought is still,

"No lady will reach out, directly,

Because they're fighting polite society..."

Oh, and because i'm fat,

And rather insane, more days than not,

And old and poor

and beating up on myself

for all the unattractive qualities

i'm weighing myself down with...

i'm this geek,

who was pushed into the stoner circle,

because he cut off a cop at a light

after deinking a 6-pack in 30 minutes...

I often think that my drinking and drugging arc

was cut short, way before I thought it was a problem

...and i'm a geek..

i like to play D&D and Euro games,

I enjoy reading in the sciences

and using public media

and i seem to miss the cues

that make conversation so effortless for y'all.

i'm told i don't need to base my happiness

on other people's opinions,

and i twist that up in my mind,

thinking I've just been told to be a hermit

(...and i wonder why friends and family never call...)

[perhaps because i'm lost in my electronics]

skin concerns - 17 April 2019

 I’m watching my skin fall apart in a sort of slow motion:

- rashes, blisters, pimples, foot skin drying out...

With the amount of time, I’ve spent walking under the Texas sun, I fear that it could be early stages of skin cancer. Another part of me wonders if some of the discomfort is a side effect of the blood pressure, like signs that blood is just coming out in odd places, as blisters...

I also wonder, if I might be carrying an over-abundance of mites or fleas or fungus or maybe just poison ivy...

Yet, I’m still uncertain about my insurance options; making me highly hesitant to go see a doctor. Which could well be “killing myself slowly through my own neglect”

It feels so sad to think I’m so trapped.

17 April 2020

 My mind is not very tired...

Perhaps it's racing,

And, given my bipolar past,

...that's not encouraging?

My heart wants to connect

With friends and family -

Perhaps to procrastinate,

By hearing a voice,

Other than my own?

so, yeah, the short burst phrasing,

that i try to pass off as poetic -

maybe it's been played out, too much...

maybe it's long past time

To Quiet the Brainstorms,

To Sift through their wreckage,

In the hopes of finding some truths...

Writing, as a medium

May not be my best communication.

After that burst, above,

I feel my mind dropping gears

And realizing that it is tired,

I balk at writing more,

Because I fear being branded a babbler...

17 April 2020

 why do i force myself to post a status?

my brain's fairly tired, because it couldn't sleep, last night. So, I doubt that I can tap my exhausted muse and spontaneously generate something clever, interesting, or witty...

i'm seeing so many more posts from everyone else, too...

so, what's the motivation(s)?

iHow much of our communication is like Show and Tell, showing off the funny or the poignant that we stubled upon? and iHow much is seeing an audience - trying to gain the attention of others?

17 April 2020

 Our society places far too much emphasis on sexual conduct, and love conduct suffers as a result...

16 April 2018

 Do I judge others,

Or judge those who judge others?

Who am I, to judge?

...some might call this simplistic, some might chastise for being too accepting while others for being too critical. Then I see the specter again, "Don't you want to win friends, and influence people?"

No. I hesitate to say, "I just want to stop the spread of false information..." Hesitate, because who am I to discern it's validity, pointing back at different perspectives: "a blue square, seen along the x axis, but a red circle seen along the y-axis"

Yet... if someone is called "spiritual sandpaper" (that's what's spawning this rant)... I could do well to ask, "what does that really mean to me?" (Not tagging the original posters, to avoid wall cross-pollination)

(For I am quick to think of it as differing attitudes and beliefs that may wear away at some of my own beliefs on the other side of the spectrums - and that's me interpreting out of context)

I see the rant gaining steam... I think of hearing the same shares from the same people, time and time again - even with wildly different conversation topics!

Still, it's almost 2 a.m. My brain is far past due for a rest. And my hopelessness swells up, thinking, "it doesn't matter because no one reads your posts, anymore, anyway..." (yay, self-pity. yay, resentment. ) ...or is that paranoia, trying to build a case for my mass abandonment, as the communication channels lie dormant..?

...but, i am no the person, in real life, who appears on the computer! i am not as gloomy in dialog, as I am in soliloquoy!

yeah.

going to sleep now...

16 April 2020

 "In this uncertain time..."

'Why do you say that?! Are you that afraid - '

"No.... I just haven't checked my watch, lately."

----------------

...me, trying to throw a little humor at a trending buzz phrase...

15 April 2012

 "What principles do I live my life by?"

(start with the basic 3-some)

Honesty? Mostly.. Although I may be less likely to discuss sensitive topics out of fear of possible harms..

Open-minded? *I* think so. Influence of co-op living and Austin, in general..

Willing? This one needs some work, especially when dealing with suggestions taken on blind faith..

2William ED Hattaway and 1 other

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• Tim Serpas

  re: Honesty. Saying "I'd rather not discuss that here" or "I don't think you'd like the answer" is still honest.

15 April 2012

 Sooo... I was just thinking about writing research papers in the late 80's for high school classes, and making the trips to the library for finding the research...

The strength of the Internet is that we can yield so many more search results, whereas its weakness is that most of those are based on very sketchy research methods.

15 April 2020

 I'm stuck on what I want to write. I would like to avoid the pity traps that I've dug in the past. Railing at forces beyond my control probably only helps to elevate my blood pressure.

Reality. Perception. Delusion.

I can not assign to you your motivations for your behaviors, especially with generalized blanket assignations. I do not see your joys, your lifves, your struggles... I see at best a sliver of the windows through which you view the world.

"Always seeking an extreme end of the spectrum" In my defense, I claim it is because that's where many mathematicians first test their hypotheses. I want to break the rules before I'll backtrack to see where they work.

Behind me are Escher's "Drawing Hands" and Dali's "Narcissus"... and an original piece by my step-sister. In front of me are two more bits by Escher. Yet, I think I miss Dali's "Persistence of Memory" the most - what with the ants and melting watches and the fluidity of time....

I try to tell the world, how our lives are so woven up with stories. Fairy Tales with everyone living a happy ending - or is that Broadway musicals? The boogeymen in the closet and the urban legends, scaring us straight. All the wisdom of the ages, told and retold - perhaps Scherezade had a 1001 versions of the same story, all seeking to praise and soothe her murderous sultan. Then there's the strands of "Don't take no for an answer" and how that unfortunately feeds into rape culute - or at least it bolsters the selfish, self-centered "My way or the highway" types of sentiments?

See? I can claim not to know where you're coming from.... but, used to be, we were all reading from similar scripts. What the preacher preached from the pulpit, how the radio sang the sun to sleep.... We are awash in a sea of messages and morals, and we cling desperately to the driftwood that has kept us afloat. Then again, some would just let go and sink deep into the depths of a 1001 currents, to wash our faces away with the mask of a new day.

So much of this is just flimsy opinion. I do not write an academic paper. I would hope I could spark a forest fire, burning through so many meta-cultural pieces; and leaving a titantium sword to cut through the ashes... (pfft. trying for metaphor, methinks)

So, that's where this piece went - spinning my wheels until my restless mind got spent. Again, a sliver of windows - this is not the length and breadth of all I'd like to say. Perhaps it just came out first...

14 April 2020

 I like the song, "Veteran of the Psychic Wars", off of the soundtrack to the animated film, "Heavy Metal". I guess I really believe that I could wear it as an anthem or something....

People are freaking out over our little viral friends, and the governments reactions to them. To me, the loss of jobs... the threat of death... the house confinement... - these things just do not seem new to me.

I grew accustomed to losing jobs, regularly, over the last 20 years; and yet I have survived. (maybe not thrived, but...)

I'm mostly at peace with the prospect of dying. Perhaps because I don't feel like an integral part of anyone's lives; I already feel socially disconnected. I've gotten awfully close to dying before. I do not relish the thought of suffocating to death, as this disease is described... I also don't like how contagious it seems...

What am I saying/ "It just doesn't seem like a new threat to me, or one that I have much control over 'solving'. So, make what adjustments that I can, and then do the next task before me."

"When I've lived so long on the brink of poverty, I no longer think of prosperity."

12 April 2012

 Different preoccupation, keeping me awake:

A simplified world map, where the principal locations are the vertices of a Platonic solid.

If, in a conquest/influence game, maybe like Civ, your influence or travel times are based on how many edges you must cross to reach the target vertex...

This could be expanded to a bracket-style system, where once you've conquered your d6 (example), you move to a larger world (d6=8 or more vertices) seeded with opponents who come from d6 or larger base worlds, with each person's vertex/city built as a conglomerate of their previous world conquered...

I'm just trying to remember if d20's or d12's would have the most vertices, but I think it's the d12's... Cause you can embed a d12's vertices in the faces of a d20 and vice versa..? That's certainly true with a d6 and d8, which have 8 and 6 vertices respectively...

Now, I think I'm just rambling - hoping this writing out the thought will clear the way for sleep...

12 April 2018

 I took a nap at 8, now I'm wide awake, in the witching hour...

There's a tiny glimmer of hope, that something profound will flow from my fingertips; and yet, a macabre twist hijacks this thought, as a vision of amputated knuckles with blood rushing out tries to crowd out...

"A man came to us, bleeding profusely, early Wednesday morning. EMS made it to the scene, and I can only pray that his future will be more sane."

Have I ever been in a crime scene? Yes, actually... when I worked overnights at 7-Eleven... but it is not a story that I like to divulge. Granted, my co-worker was all over Facebook in the 24 hours after that night...

Some times, the surreality of life floors me. I just can't make sense out of the disconnected events. Stuff like the moon changed phases in the middle of the night, or hours disappeared in an instant, while standing in the waiting room of ASH. Perhaps it could be drugs administered, unseen?

Or being ghosted... or being cast aside, a week into relations... or the ice-cold shoulder when those relations tried to rekindle two years later... (or...or...or... "gently rowing down the stream!" - how relationships confuse me...)

There's a piece of me that wants to rage at modern-day romance. It's furious how everything's become corrupted, by a variety of forces... If you believe Hollywood, we should magically be married within an hour of the first date? Perhaps I am chastising the media for trying to accelerate a process that really should be taken slowly. It is far better to build a bedrock of trust, before you try to build, in bed, so many babies... could we claim rushed marriages are failing, because horrible differences only appear, after the ceremony?

Then, there's the dichotomy: we're fed this core gender role of how men should act by society and the media (like don't take no for an answer) and yet we have to reconcile it against women's realization that they don't want that role from all of the men around them (why won't this puppy pack just leave me alone?)... i'm reminded of sexual harassment cases built on the man failing to recognize and respect avoidance tactics.

So, what gets me here, is that I feel left in the cold. I say to myself, "Ok, I won't try to flirt with strangers, or compliment on appearances, or basically allow sexual attraction to get expressed in my behavior. I choose to no longer initiate.' What do I get, as a rewad? "Crickets." Is it wrong for me, to even "expect a reward"?

One could claim than men and women are biologically wired differently, regarding the frequency of sexual thoughts.... Or one could point at the double-standard in society - how men rewarded for being sexually active, while women are shamed for being sexually active.

Also, there's that sex drive, seeking to be slated. Most, but not all, people are led to believe that they should have sex (again, it could be more biological than social)... This is all find and dandy, if you have a socially accepted outlet - like a consenting heterosexual marriage. Yet, stray from that accepted norm, and the backlash of outrage rises quick.... So, on the one hand - a relentless sex drive; while on the other - trying to meet it within social norms.... (Not sure where that's going - perhaps a rant that's fizzling)

I just feel that I end up getting left in the cold, if I try to respect the anti-harassment sentiments by leaving sex-driven behaviors off the table. Basically, I have no indications that people are noticing my absence of behavior. (At least, that's how it feels, in my mind)

At which point, I've pretty much let off my steam, for tonight. Yes, I could have kept this all private in my journal... but I'm starving for feedback, y'all.... (which could spin into that whole other thread about lack of communications)...

1Donald Ellerbe

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