20 Oct 2016

 Second Thursday 12@12 in a row that the chair did not call on me... however, some people talked with me, before and after the meeting, so I'm not feeling entirely like a stranger in a strange land...

20 Oct 2019

 I wonder about pen names, handles, and other masks.

There are times when we hold the minority opinion, and that, should the people in power attach those ideas to our person... well, it could get uncomfortable, if not dangerous. Yet, the ideas still need a voice, for they may be the better solution to a vexing problem.

Some also ghost write, in order to develop the trade of writing. We do not want some awkward, error-filled piece attached to our body of work, because it would dilute the image that we want to develop. Some would not take on certain points of view, because doing so contradicts much that can be found in the public image we've developed.

...and, on some issues, we stay adamantly silent. We see the harms and shames that befall others, and we dig our heels in, to say that we will keep that secret to avoid the public shamings.

Or..? Perhaps we have become silent, because we realize that we can no longer change a dissenter's opinion. There is no conversation to be had, so there is no gain to be made.

Are we ever fully free of our secrets?

Are we ever completely transparent, as one person in all aspects of our lives?

...yet I still feel damned, in a way. Like, by talking around the issues that I want to talk about - I start accruing rumors and guesses. You know? The gossips will gossip and try to build up their versions of my life. People will try to fill in words and ideas, like some sort of present guessing at Christmas time? At some point, a simple and direct statement could be useful, to try to vanquish the spectral touches that others use to drain my life of value...(?)

then again, privacy has value, too. i suppose the best bet would be to have a tight-knit group, who I could trust completely, and who I could be completely open with.

I suppose it would be nice, if I could simply trust more, and fear less.

20 Oct 2019

 I'm at the start of 3 weeks on a tight financial budget - or at least that's what I'm projecting into the future.

When I do not have a lot of money, I get twisted up, all sorts of ways, mentally. Past experiences over the last 10 years hammer this point home, all too well.

Yet I'm loathe to ask for any help, because I fear people attaching strings to their help (or even rescinding it) and I want to recognize that everyone else has their own financial struggles that they deal with, too. Also, I am well aware of government and church programs that are freely accessible to me, if I can find the time to access them.

I just do not like the personal stress that I see coming over the horizon.

I wish we did not live in a "welfare world". I wish there were not so many costly demands upon my budget. I wish peace and prosperity upon all...

20 Oct 2019

 8 days later, I’ve been conflicted, still, if I should continue investing time and energy in AA.

I’ve also been conflicted as to whether I should continue investing time and energy into life.

I think, at its core, is this hope that life can be low-stress, enjoyable, and social again - much like my college days ...instead of this horrible feeling that I’m isolated/abandoned and in dire financial straits.

(I’m whining again)

20 Oct 2020

 I'm trapped in a loop, thinking about my self. The media no longer keeps my interest, well. Perhaps I cling to conversations, a bit too much - hoping they will carry me through to "tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow..."

Am I too open with my thoughts? Am I not open enough with my feelings? Do people assume that I can be easily reached, easily recruited ... and so I'm no longer a priority? "Is that even a fair deduction or conclusion?"

Even though today was a good day, anxiety is creeping in, and the thought comes: "You don't have to face tomorrow"

Is it a total lack of purpose? I don't **Really** think so...

Is it so many projects spinning out of control? Perhaps closer to the mark...

Am I overwhelmed?

Am I acting blind?

To the Powers above me, and the Earth below me: Provide me some measure of hope, some sense of community, some belief that mine is not just a "wasted life".

Maybe I should sing the praises for my friends, for once?

...would anyone notice that gratitude list?

19 Oct 2012 ( Matthew 10:14)

 So, a line creeped into my head last night, from the Bible, and I'm wondering why it came to me...

In the comments below, I'll share the line, the paragraph, and the chapter where it came from, for you to ponder.

I invite and welcome any interpretations as to why you think it might have come to me...

19 Oct 2012

 I like that I can see Orion in the sky, when I walk out of my house... I wish I could see much more...

19 Oct 2013

Here's hoping for an enjoyable weekend...

19 Oct 2013

 Which direction to go?

- stay mute, just liking and sharing stuff

- break out the laptop and go keyboard crazy

- make a phone call or three...

I'm leaning towards the laptop, as it feels more like a journaling mode in my mind.

19 Oct 2013

 October is a macabre anniversary for me...

But I don't think that's a major factor in my current distress.

19 Oct 2013

 ...I've been watching these deadlines just swoosh past me, and yet I haven't taken any action to try to meet them...

Mostly job postings, without following through with job applications.

I see myself complaining bitterly about my current (lack of) income, so why am I not trying to "better myself"?

19 Oct 2013

...and...

I think I mentioned this yesterday...

I suspect I'm slipping into a clinical depression, or, worse yet, a mixed episode.

It's difficult, nearly impossible, to motivate myself to take actions - on things as simple as cooking or laundry or showers... Much less looking for work or leaving the house or talking on the phone...

I'd rather lay in bed all the day long and only get out of the house to go to work. Even work is a challenge...

It could also be I'm not 100% because I'm fighting seasonal allergies. I'm not very good at self-diagnosing.

Part One: Seven Areas Prone to Addiction : 19 Oct 2016

 There was a presentation by Dr. Loving on seven common life areas where people develop addictions.

The seven areas are:

1) Drugs, including alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine

2) Food, which could overlap with 1) easily...

3) Sex and relationships

4) Work

5) Exercise

6) Gambling (possibly gaming, too) and also shopping (Money management)

7) Spirituality

I saw this while I was enrolled in Shoal Creek's Renaissance out-patient program, in the first month or so of my sobriety, and it still sticks with me, even today. Especially, as I've seen my addiction targets change their stripes, switching from one area to another. It is possible to engage in these areas with some moderation; such as eating enough food to stay healthy... However, I must remember that the medical definition of addiction, paraphrased, is engaging in any activity or substance to the point that it negatively impacts one or more areas of our life.

Part Two: Depending on a Higher Power : 19 Oct 2016

 oth in my alcoholic life, and my sober life, I have depended on higher powers than myself.

In my addictions, I structured my life around getting the next drink, or the next cigarette, or (currently) my next cup of caffeine. For example, I planned my life around drinking with friends who drank like I did, spending time at the bar, spending my money on alcohol instead of rent... I tried to make sure I always had cigarettes, even through the first seven years of sobriety. Also, I usually hung out with the smokers after the meetings. These days, I have become fearful of caffeine headaches, and try to make sure I have coffee or tea handy...

With drugs and food, I'm reordering my life, sometimes without thought, in order to make sure they are always easily available. Part of this is because I crave the chemical rush, the quick elation that they provide. When I was drinking or drugging, this elation weakened as my tolerance went up, causing me to seek even more of the same. I did not try to address the underlying issues causing anxiety in my life, though.

With AA and psychotherapy, I am getting some slower relief from the areas of anxiety in my life. However, it took facing some pretty big fears of how people would view me, if I disclosed those areas of anxiety. I am forever thankful that a man asked if he could sponsor me, that he took a time to work with me at my 9 months of sobriety; because he was the St. George who helped slay my fear dragons. (I need to follow his example, I think.)

I do not claim to be working a perfect AA program today, or to still use psychotherapy to good effect. I know that prayer and meditation are proving to be difficult to "see any results". I know that I am slow to make amends, when needed. I suspect that laziness is at work: "What's the least amount of effort that I can get away with, and still have some contentment?" I've seen people meltdown between 6 to 15 years of sobriety because they stopped working the program, or they got away from the group, or "life began happening, again"...

My own experience is that I've spent at least 4 years now, getting more and more involved in the gaming community in South Austin. I like to think of it as a fun hobby to take part in... However, I was spending 4 nights per week, playing games; and that edged out other activities, like AA meetings or live music or the writing group. With the new job, my gaming has been curtailed, and, yes, I think I've gone through a bit of withdrawal...

So, to me, I want to say the higher power is what gives your life meaning and purpose and satisfaction. What makes you want to live today?

Just be careful, though, because chasing that attraction might ripple through your life and disrupt your ability to meet your commitments, too...

Meditation: Career Direction : 19 Oct 2016

 What is my ideal career?

- working 4 days per week, up to 12 hours per day (8 is preferred)?

- or setting my own schedule, but still being able to stay busy, 4 days per week...

- work tasks do not follow me home, usually

- earning enough money, to:

= meet my standard bills,

= set aside for retirement,

= and still grow my savings each month...

- staying active, at work, most of the time

- has some element of physical exercise?

- makes use of my knowledge of mathematics, and/or problem-solving skills

- possibly has me writing and/or creating

- engages with other people, as a regular part of the job

- encourages others' growth, instead of feeding their addictions

------------------------

So, is this where I go grab that STRONG career assessment, and post the top ten results, to be scrutinized?

Yes, I think I shall do that...:

So, here's my top five career areas:

1. Science

2. Writing and Mass Communication

3. Mathematics

4. Research

5. Visual Arts & Design

Next, here are my top ten occupations:

1. Technical Writer

2. Computer Programmer

3. Librarian

4. Psychologist

5. Science Teacher

6. Editor

7. Optometrist

8. Sociologist

9. Arts/Entertainment Manager

10. Computer Systems Analyst

Background: This all comes out of the Strong Interest Inventory Profile with College Profile; where I answered about 150 questions about my like or dislike of common work tasks. There's more results, but I certainly agree with most of the recommended careers and career areas.

1Trina Fox

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18 Oct 2010

 "Ah! Another beatiful day in --

What? Why are you wearing those fig leaves?"

18 Oct 2012

 You're reading this, aren't you..?

(Did I just distract you for two seconds? Thbbt!!)

18 Oct 2013

 Find myself crawling back into bed this weekend... A lot..

Probably wallowing in the middle of a clinical depression. Have I ever mentioned how much I dislike my bipolar roller coaster?

Does anyone want to swoop me up, and treat me to a healthy, hearty meal, with their good company, too? I doubt that would fix this, but it might keep me from isolating and slipping into s 'hungry' "woe is me" funk

18 Oct 2013

 Part of me wants to 'scream online', another part thinks, "It wouldn't matter anyway", and then there's that minority who hopes to be rational again...

So, I wonder if I'm being selfish to ask for your prayers and/or help? I think there's people who care enough to do so, at least, I hope there are...

18 Oct 2020

 I have mixed feelings about "counting days"

If it's an activity required for survival, like eating or sleeping, then doing it on a regular cycle does become important.

However, some activities are not essential. Yet, skipping them may teach me how dependent I am upon them. So, showering does not need to be a daily activity - yet it can certainly improve my mood.

In substance abuse recovery, they recognize continuous lengths of sobriety with chip systems. I often think, though, that it's the quality of the sobriety and not the length that is broadcast by a person's demeanor and attitude. Yes, many times, people with longer lengths of sobriety have better attitudes - but it's not always the case.

One could also compare adults to youth in terms of time lived...?

In the end, time is a concept created by people. Yet experiences are accumulated through more channels than just time. So, do not put too much weight into "time earned".

18 Oct 2020

G rateful: Received Joe and Charlie handout on instincts

Learned: Appreciating sports, as athletic/strategic excellence?

Accomplished: Sat in on an online meetup event (9-16 people)

Delight: Jalapeno tarter sauce at Waterloo, on their fish and chips

17 Oct 2010

 I hear the term "spiritual" tossed around quite a bit, and I sometimes wonder if it's being abused, i.e. used when one means something else entirely. To me, PART of living spiritually means, not "trying to get the Things one craves" but rather "receiving help for what one needs from a greater power", sometimes channeled via human intermediaries like advisors or groups.

17 Oct 2012

 Light fog with a light chill in Austin this morning...

16 Oct 2010

 H.L.T. ..but at least I'm not angry. The quandary is if I should eat before, or after, but not during my sleep?

16 Oct 2012

 So, this weekend, the Austin Symphony is performing Aaron Copland's "Symphony #3"... I wish I wish I wish I could go...

(I AM off work this weekend, just caught on shoestring finances. )

16 Oct 2019

 I want to vent... to moan and complain... but I doubt that anyone honestly wants to listen.

So, I present a picture slide with a tree on it, while quoting:

"And now.... #3... The Larch. The Larch."

(obscure reference to a Monty Python skit)

16 Oct 2020

 Do I call?

Do i message?

What's the crisis - why disturb others at this hour?

Because I feel wound up and afraid that I can not sleep?

If I call out to Europe, or Asia, they'd be in their typical waking hours, right? My old room mate is active, right now... "I see the green dot"

Is there anything that needs to be said, or am I just trying to talk through some anxiety? I can always write stuff down in a journal...

I'm in flight mode, I think. I don't want to "process my difficulties".

If I keep spewing out phrases - like a hydra - 3 more pop up in their places. I know I'm a bit worried about some people, but is it really my place to reach out to them? I guess it depends on how much of a role I had in creating my own worries...

feels like a stream of consciousness, with little to no structure. I can hear Mary and Nari both chiding me over how this is turning into a long post. I can hear myself complaining about talking too much, and recalling the complaint that I don't listen.

an attempt to avoid journaling, and yet, then it only becomes a "tip of the iceberg" with a lot of the other worries trying to be hid, to avoid the public eye. you know - what attractions are currently held? what angers, repressed? what difficulties perplex...

and so I try writing, thinking that I'm writing to the crowd. while, within my heart, I hope it might be enough to motivate certain others to reach out (for better or for worse) - just so that the opus of picking up the phone need not fall upon my shoulders, tonight.

" I do not like this pandemic. It chains. It stifles. It strangles. I hope one day that we will share meals together, again..."

16 Oct 2020

 1:23 a.m.

time increasing?

that haiku, that tried to describe the late-night game - calling out repetitive time: 1:11, 11:11, even 12:12

and palindromic time - first two, but now with 12:21

am I morbid because of my anniversary, 22 years later? I remember waking to my mother's voice, and then hearing, on the hospital TV, how John Glenn was back in space. Oh, and what about the Simpsons, and the reruns of halloween specials?

morbid self-reflection. regrets.

If I wallow too much in self-pity, I become ugly and repulsive. It's hard for me to love others when they are lost in their own problems. My soul wants to help so - yet some times, no avenues appear. Man or woman, adult or child, rich or poor - helping another helps me see some piece of my worth....

When, if I'm simply ignored, I begin to deflate... to question who I am and what I can do... I can hear Donnie saying, "don't let other peoples' opinions affect you!"

It's been hard for me to breathe well, through my nose, as I try to sleep at night. I put off checking for sleep apnea. ...and I have a prescription of sleeping pills that I try not to get too used to...

On the nights when I have no worries about others - sleep does happen. Yet on the nights when the worry is high? The fear can take cover, can keep me up all night, can make me make bad calls...

I imagine that caffeine is not helping this situation, beyond reducing caffeine withdrawal symptoms.

I offer a public apology to any and all who might have been hurt by my distance communication behaviors. I image they grow worse, if allowed to run amuck - making calls in the early morning, talking for long stretches... I quite enjoy nice, long conversations; but they can create such disruptions across the rest of our lives (if only just by displacing work times) ...even Facebook posts! Those can create their own style of chaos! (like, who's the intedended audience, if any?)

1:41 approaches... repetitive, palindromic?

15 Oct 2009

 is plagued by congestion and sweats and sleepless nights... bleh.

Doing the laundry... : 15 Oct 2010

 

Who am I writing for?  Myself, mostly, collecting my thoughts.

 

Why am I writing? Honestly? ..'cause I'm tapped out in the games here, not wanting to do "work", waiting for the laundry to finish..

 

So, I must remember to "tread lightly, in honor of my father's wishes".  By that, I mean...?  I can't just bare all, and dig up some "questionable" parts of my past, as there are people on here, who would not understand or, worse yet, use the information to judge and/or do harm.   So, pardon me, if this seems more theory than reality, for there's some self-censoring that's likely to happen...

 

There are times, when someone's trying to start a 'viral' update - you know, "post this as your status if you agree", where I'm like, "Yeah, I agree, but I'm not too sure I want to make that public information yet..."   I suspect the hesitation is a little fear-based, and rooted in not wanting to defend the particular cause, which that, in turn, may be grounded in not knowing all the facts to make a convincing argument?  Another way of saying that could be that I'm hesitant to say something that may anger others if I don't know how to defuse that anger?

!

eh. whatever.  sounds like the seeds of an inventory...

 

OK.. so, what DO I want to write about?

 

oh!  hey!  the washer's done!  oh! hey! I'm getting comments on an update.   be right back... ;)

 

"Well, I'd like a girlfriend.."  'Really?  What can you offer her?' "Ummm..."

 

I may not be dressed in the finest clothes, and I'm a little overweight - definitely not one for physical exercise, and I don't have my own house or car or high-paying job...  at times, I think I live like a monk. When I've had girl friends in the past, this 'forced spartan lifestyle' has caused me lots of stress, because I'd like to be able to be a 'provider'.

 

I also don't go out of my way to "make people laugh" (if you've ever been on a dating site, you'd certainly recognize how that seems to be a common theme in the ladies' profiles) - although, I do have a kind of wicked sense of humor.  As some examples, I would cite my chip commentaries, my notorious Christmas and birthday cards, and my high school graduation speech.  I suspect my humor draws on British comedies, Robin Williams, George Carlin, and Bill Cosby... and far too many joke books read as a teen.  ..still, I don't like to poke fun when I see that could be harmful to others.  If it's harmful to myself...?

 

I'm fairly honest, and fairly loyal.  I try not to keep my own secrets, as I find, doing so, usually generates undue stress from living the double life.  On the other hand, I try to honor the secrets shared with me, as I think gossip is so petty.  Also, if a friend reveals something private, then they should be the ones who decide who gets to be privy, no?

 

I don't claim to have a wide array of knowledge at my fingertips, and that's partly by choice.  After all, it takes time and energy to learn new fields, and, if I have my hands 'dipped in too many honey pots', then I'm likely to be susceptible to Information Anxiety (great book by Richard Saul Wurman.. I think?)..  So, I'm not subscribed to magazines, right now, as it's hard to find the time to read them; and I don't sit for hours tracking TV programs (I might allow myself "The Simpsons" or educational TV once in a blue moon), and I don't go out every night to see bands.  I do like to catch movies, but that can be an expensive habit, if I'm relying on the movie theatres.  On the other hand, I like to read, and, often, have several books on my person at any given time - especially useful when riding the bus.

 

With facebook?  It's useful as a game engine.  There's periods when I'll catch up on what my real life friends are up to.  ..and, every once in a while, I'll check out posted videos.  I suspect it's mostly an entertainment outlet for me.  Oh, and, there's times that I'll post, too..

 

I suppose a more telling breakdown of "what do I know" would be a survey of information that's in my brain.  I'm fair in the sciences, fairly adept in mathematics, a smattering of information on religion and mythology and such..  I have a wide array of musical and film experiences.  I also know some about psychology, partly because I've had to deal with it on a personal basis (this would be one of those "touchy areas" mentioned earlier in this post).  I don't think of myself as very literary, or historical, or just plain versed in many of the liberal arts.

 

*sigh*  waiting on the dryer to finish, not sure if I'm just starting to spin my wheels..

 

I don't like to get too "political".  I think, underneath that, is that I don't like to tell other people how to run their lives, and I especially don't like to be told how to run mine.   So, getting back to those 'viral wannabe updates', I find most of them tend to be political at some level.  If I'm trying to convince you that I support such-and-such... well, I'd like a little more than 400 odd text characters to do it in, you know?  So, I guess my complaint on those is not that they're inaccurate statements - it's just that they're such a small part of a bigger idea? 

 

Like, I "support our troops" because I believe the government does help people improve their lives through a collective effort, and that there needs to be some defense against hostile groups - on the other hand, I don't agree with some of the actions that our government imposes upon our troops.  Probably underneath it, is that I have friends who have benefited from their military careers, and I even considered one, myself.  I also think that the military and the police and government all tie back into "how do we maintain a civilized society?"

 

but, wait!  is that a contradiction?  On the one hand, I have a laissez-faire attitude, but then I come back around and say we need to enforce the law?  It's the degree of control that's in question.  Some where, there's this middle ground between too few rules and too many rules that I'd like to shoot for.  Like, I might not like other people telling me how to do stuff, but I do rely on others' experience to shape my decisions - and I think government and religion both have a significant weight of past experience to draw upon...

 

Surprised the dryer isn't done yet - think I'll go check on it...

 

Oh.  I mentioned religion..  yeeessss... If you look at my profile here, I claim to be a mutt: some Catholic, some Buddhist, a little pantheist.  What do I mean by that?  Basically, I see value in ideas coming from several sources.  I also have a hard time stomaching some of the other ideas from those same sources.   I don't know if I want to convince you of my conception of God, probably because I don't have a perfect understanding of that conception, yet.  I doubt I ever will.  I do have a fairly well-defined code of morals, which draws heavily from the Catholics, but which also seems to mirrored in the Buddhist precepts.  I don't believe in an after-life, or past lives, as I have yet to see convincing evidence to that effect.  To me, religion provides a society of similar-minded people, and a set of life practices that help bring about some contentment with life.

 

I feel like I'm stepping on some shaky ground.  I can see how religion helps one realize they are but a small part of a greater whole... but I'm still very hesitant to say there's any one right religion or one right conception of the universe, if I were to be so lofty..

 

Western society has its roots in Greco-Roman civilization, and that turn is highly connected to the Greek philosophers.   There's a theme there, that the world is dualistic in nature - either an idea is true, or it is false.  So, much of the past theories about the world rely on that black-and-white thinking.  (This could also be tied back to the Judeo-Christian conceptions of Good and Evil, and monotheism?)  I would argue, in the last century, this belief has become challenged by new discoveries, such as in quantum physics and Godel's Incompleteness Theorem.  So, the Zen Koans of oriental philosophy become much more relevant, as they are non-dualistic in their very nature.

 

Ok.. dryer's done. Off to bed now.  Before I leave, I am going to cite an influential book from my past that picks up from where I'm stopping. Check out "Godel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid" by Douglas Hofstadter.  Alternatively, you could read his book "Metamagical Themas" which is a great collection he published through Scientific American.

15 Oct 2010

 O..k.. resume completed. next up: work history that's accurate, but concise.

15 Oct 2010

Still on the fence about immersing myself once again in Facebook... Past experience shows that I should avoid the apps, if I want to have some time to do RL activities. Current experience finds me vaguely dissatisfied with the new news feed format, as it seems I have to wade through lots of "favorite photos and links", when - honestly - I'm a bit more interested in the original compositions posted haphazardly as status updates...?

Ah, vell..! Ve vill see vhat zis vampire vill sink his teeth into! :-{.. 

15 Oct 2012

 Seem to be getting to sleep later and later these days, and this leads to disruptions in my early evening schedule...

So, I may opt for the snooze button at 4 pm, and just sleep through 'til 8 (and night 7 of the 8-night work stretch)

15 Oct 2017

 ok... i've been affected by harassment, both directly as a victim and indirectly as an observer/bystander.

and... there's a lot more men who were harassers than women, in the above experiences.

So, I ask you, why do you think this is going on in our society?

15 Oct 2018

 It is difficult for me to support people who have different struggles than I. Their struggles are as valid (or more valid) than my own, yet I can not easily champion their causes.

It’s a lot of fear, perhaps, and uncertainty; because I do not want to be categorized as something I am not. I do not want to be chastised by the suffering, claiming that “I can not possibly understand what they have to go through”... ...and I do not want to misrepresent their struggles.

So, I try to walk through life, without causing the harms attributed to my various classes. I am probably quite guilty of “projecting invisibility” - not even acknowledging another’s various classes, because - BECAUSE they should not have to influence how we interact with each other.

People will be quick to brand me as “operating from a position of privilege”, because I do not have to be hyper-aware of how my classes may be scorned and attacked by others.

It still tears such a hole in my soul that all of our variations have led to such heinous divisions.