Job failure: Randall's

My mind is a mess, and I don’t know if I’d make much sense...
but I would really like to talk with somebody else right now. Almost willing to say anybody else...
My predictor is thinking some of you will say, “Go to a meeting!” Thinking about that, this evening (most likely Refuge Recovery)
There’s a thought, “Go to confession!” Not sure on that one, as I’ve been away from Church so long...
(Maybe I could use a birthday coupon? Is there free time in our schedules - part of my consternation...)
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Either I quit, or I got fired... still, I’m no longer at Randall’s. I’m really beating up on myself for adding to the chain of lost jobs, lost due to my absenteeism...
My depression’s been flaring up - parts situational, seasonal, and clinical. I saw my psychiatrist on Monday to get my meds. I still don’t have a good therapy solution.
The low security resulting from my poor life choices is creating great anxiety in my mind. It would be nice if I could “chin up” and “pull myself up by my bootstraps” to power forward and succeed; I just don’t think I have the stamina and perseverance for that, any more. (The suicidal ideations keep circling around me like buzzards, whispering, “you are a failure and you need to quit being a burden”)
As the setbacks pile up, I feel I’m drowning in a turbulent stormy sea, and I want the current to drag me under, Thinking tranquility lies in the deep abyss. “Become a rebel, an outlaw...” “run away to a monastery” “overdose, again?” “Jump in front of that bus” “stop trying to fit in to corporate America...”
A maelstrom circling around, a hopelessness that cards are getting stacked against me ready to slice me to ribbons as they get dealt out in an oubliette tableau (?)... a hopelessness that I have been pushed into the working poor and there’s nothing I can do to change that for myself or millions of others... a hopelessness.
I sit here, at a buffet, thinking that will keep me fed and nourished for 24 hours - and halfway through the meal, I started writing this, hoping beyond hope that I am not as alone as I think I am.
I lost another job today,
But it wasn’t keeping me afloat, anyway...
Living life - there’s got be a better way;
Yet, beat down again,
My energy’s long faded away.
I still want to talk with somebody else.