some post about sex and relationships

I'm unsure what I want to say, or if it will have a nice flow and structure. More than likely, this will be a stream of consciousness.... just trying to push the gnawing concerns in my mind out into the open.

part of my mind is picking up on interest. maybe it's reading too much into the hugs, the conversations. so, I'm beginning to ask, "how should i proceed?" i recall similar situations in my past, ending poorly, because... my intensity... my mania... maybe my co-dependency tendencies - too much, too fast can be scary

yet, i've been getting plagued by inner dialogues, and left paralyzed, second guessing what's appropriate and if i have unchecked baggage?
what i'd like most is to make the time and space for honest dialogues. yet, i recall my first girlfriend contacting me 15 years later - having a night of dialogue - then being told that she didn't want to see me any more. also, being ghosted in a couple of other relationships (too much, too fast)

i wonder if my current perceptions of being isolated and abandoned stem from sharing too openly. coming off as untrustworthy, because I talk about some taboo topics. I don't get that, though, because I don't think I talk about other people. well, not specifically calling out names? then there's "why am i posting on Facebook - do i not have a close friend that I can confide in?" (note the irony of saying that, in this note)
I tried calling people today, reaching out in this and that way. Pretty much got delayed. No, I did not call everyone. No, I don't know if I'm ready yet to "confront my flirts" or try to force a conversation. They've got their busy lives, I've got busy life - I do not want them to feel pressured or threatened (recall how that blew up in my face, in the past)...

I've been told that I come off as very patient.

Yet, I see hints of my mortality encroaching upon me.

I see myself getting passed over, turned invisible, because I'm not trying to assert myself. I see flippant replies to my cries for help (one messenger exchange stands out in my mind), and I wonder how sincere people really are, in their offers to listen?

There's a whole other boiling kettle in the background around the areas of dating, flirting, and sexual harassment - especially if we look at verbage instead of body language. Also... there's talk in society about sexual harassment in the workplace, but it's also on the streets, and in various social organizations. I think it could best be summed up that people get uncomfortable when somebody sexualizes a situation and the first person did not intend to draw sexual attention. Part of this is why I'm real hesitant to comment on physically stunning profile pictures, here in Facebook. That mind set that people are much more than their physical appearance, so we should stop trying to prop up and focus on those appearances...

Yeah, a whole other boiling kettle... another thread... yet, underneath, a reason why I try not to act on purely physical attractions. But suppressing those feelings can be so hard...

My isolation is my own fault, to some degree. I'm modelling the behaviors that I'm receiving. If I don't call people or talk to people, then why should I expect them to do the same. If my life is built around group activities, like AA meetings and board game meetups, why should I expect to be invited to dinners or live shows - it's not like recruiting people to go to dinner with me, when I go out, which is quite often (alone). Hell, I live in a house with 5-8 guys at any time, but we do not seem to interact, outside of our bi-weekly house meeting. (I've told people how I thought I was getting into another co-op situation, but that's not how it's turned out.)

So, I'm left, lying in bed at night, ruminating over if there's anything out there, and afraid to test the waters because of past relationships gone south. Yet, I've written a bit here. I hope it fished some of the resentments out of my mind. ...and I have an early day today, so I should attempt some sleep....