My hands move, while my mind feels trapped.. the words cascade and blockade at the same time, leaving me adrift in a lonely sea, with brash waves beating me back from making a connection....
ah, mania. ah, depression. tearing apart my sanity, yet subtly so... leaving me blabbering on, trying... Trying... TRYING SO, to create coherance out of chaos...?
i look back on the last two bits, tempted to delete them out of existence. I look back on many years online, and posts just a bit vulnerable; and I ruminate, "Where were the solutions? How do we get out of the mousetraps?"
rat traps.. cause i'm a chinese rat, fascinated by trinkets and souvenirs and collections...
is it worth it to babble? ...when friends drift away, confused by what's been written? ...when i get chided for the worries expressed? After all, society says, "Men must be strong and silent..."
So many threads, unravelling from the fabric of my soul, and only two hands or a mouth to express them, to try to patch my chest's gaping hole. Seconds, minutes, hours, and more peel away from Fate's shroud upon my life - would it be enough to express 24/7? Not even that, for I still have to work and eat and sleep and get the bare necessities.
Do the stories even matter? Do the tragedies and triumphs hold water? Or am I drowning in rain puddles? Or, are the stories even true,and not distorted by my mind trying to piece together sense out of a dust storm of incomplete informatin?
Ah, my frustration mounts, like the pile of unanswered mail, because time's "ticking away, like moments that make up a slow day"; and my fear lurks in the background, asking, "If everything was taken care of, would you bother doing anything worthwhile? After all, 14 years for the bachelor's degree..." (and, another story, trying to define me)
I stare ahead, at the years to come, as I rock, back and forth. I see my starvation, my loneliness, my mounting insanity. The best I can do, tonight, is hide in my bed, while drool gathers on my pillow.. I don't know if there's a reachable sanctuary. Perhaps I can sit on my pillow, and focus on breathing?
I hope it's not another night, where I wish for the peaceful oblivion to find me. If only the world could be repaired, over night.