The dialogue in my head:
"Nobody ever calls me..."
'...well, you have to take the initiative, and call first!'
"I never get first contact emails on okcupid"
'....that's because the guys are expected to make the first move...'
it just seems like the world expects everyone to be an extrovert, always reaching out to everyone else. Or... interrupting in group conversations, if you want your ideas to be heard.
i'm not sure if that take squares with everyone else's - i'm much more interested if self-identifying introverted guys also feel like they are ignored wall flowers...
however, it just seems that way to me.
maybe i just don't have cool traits or things that other people want in their lives - like i'm discounted and discarded because "I present a weird/bizarre profile" ...like, "no common ground"?
wednesday, I was also airing that "I present a physically unattractive profile" - i'm not trying to overly groom myself or offer physical contact (like hand shakes and hugs)... or, if I get to talking, I tend not to try to maintain eye contact (I think the last may because I'm afraid of 'losing the floor' because I believe looking someone in the eye is a body language signal to allow them to speak? I don't know. maybe eye contact is just a little uncomfortable, especially when speaking to crowds?)
any way.
there's some fear underneath "physical distance", too... "I don't go out of my way to touch people, even if I think they need comforting; because of the spectre of sexual harassment that's hung over us since the 80's. If I'm not dating a person, than I'm hesitant to touch them - what I might think is innocent could be twisted off as something else, entirely, from their perspective...
i wish their were more neutral spaces in my life - I hate that school and work and the co-ops and AA and church all say to me, "this is a safe space, so excise anything that could be interpreted sexually" (Seriously. Sexual harassers fucked up safe places, so now I feel I have to be asexual there.) What's worse is that we can't really draw a clear line between a safe space and a dating zone - if I show my attraction to a co-worker, outside of work; then it'll still impact our interactions at work.
Is that what we might mean by the friend zone? no idea.
I think, myself included, there's a lot of misconceptions around dating in our society. Everyone's all looking for "The One" and quite willing to dismiss friends as possible partners (over some really trivial quibbles, part of of the time)... Then there's that whole camp who want to approach people on the basis of sexual attraction, before they even know them as individuals -
"If we're judging people solely based on their physical appearance, then are we giving them our trust or distrust foolishly?"
So.... back to the beginning...
"all this expectation that I reach out to people, all the time, kind of makes me sick. I know, that if I'm really depressed and withdrawn, I'm not likely to reach out. I'm also becoming more miserable by the minute, if nobody is trying to contact me - as the sense of being alone is only growing."
then there's a whole other thread about being dismissed by others. one week out - let's make plans followed by day of - "oh, i'm doing something else" Again... no desire to follow through on plans, on the part of the other person.... I don't know why? My company's just not valued? They've been burned by other people on dates, so now they're guarded?
It's irritating as all hell to have to rethink my plans for the night, holiday, whatever... because I was trying to reach out and include a friend in my life; and they suddenly decide to back out. (I'm trying not to mention any specific names, because I have been guilty of the same behavior, too. If you feel you must respond, I'd prefer that you do so by text message or Facebook messenger - I'm not trying to hammer out a solution in public. I'm really just wanting to express that it can be irritating if "someone presents themselves as undependable")
So....
Not everyone's built to be an extrovert...
Not everyone gives hugs and handshakes...
Not everyone is dependable, all the time...
...but, God, it can get lonely, if we cloister ourselves off, in our own little worlds.