I'd like to post a happy post, from my life, but it's difficult...?
I did make a great batch of spaghetti today, and I fed two of my house mates in the sober house!
My finances are seriously freaking me out, though.
I'm looking for suggestions about getting financial and/or bills and/or rent assistance, especially when one's already employed part-time, in a job they enjoy..?

(Note: this showed up in my blog feed as 1/31/20... but I'm not in a sober house, today. totally guessing at date, now - probably a duplicate)

I'm in the depths of a dark depression - but what else is new?
- bills piling up, unpaid
- hiding under the bed covers, avoiding responsibilities
- paranoid that nobody wants my company
- afraid to ask for help, as nobody has asked me for help, in the past
- grasping at anything to distract - "but I'm still sober!"
...changes in sleep and appetite, irritability, difficulty focusing, delusional thinking...
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I feel like an invisible man, and that people think that I'll just disappear, if ignored long enough. Written off like an Alzheimer's patient, who already died to them, years ago...
I feel so trapped by my circumstances, locked away "in a pestilential prison, on a dull, dark, dock".. Unable to succeed because I don't have the right resources, social skills, or coping skills.
Chided by friends and family that I never have anything positive to contribute, never attempt to create any change in my life, not willing to try their brand of recovery...
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So far, I haven't started crying (in frustration) yet, this time. "Got to be strong, got to tough it out, got to pull myself up by my (flimsy) bootstraps..." More unrealistically, got to clone myself a dozen times, to be able to follow through on all the ideas and suggestions that people throw at me. ("there's some wall-building, eh?")
It's been said, over the last couple of years, to quit writing on Facebook. Ok. So, I write in a private journal. Will that create any feedback or conversation? ...or... I talk to someone in the real world. It still feels very difficult to gauge when and where, to hold serious discussions... Everyone seems tied to their Facebook or their texts or their TV's or their activities... I don't think most people, these days, want to make time to converse (unfortunately, myself, included)... Then again, I minimize what I may contribute in conversations.
Still, got a little bit away from Facebook... found myself drawn back towards it (lack of social skills, remember?)... still not very happy with it. I considered going through a crisis line -
used a text line, briefly. I've increased my AA attendance again (with reservations, still)... I just don't know who I feel comfortable with, asking for help - aside from government services. (Part of me thinks, "it's not their problem" ...? Could be pride, too, or lack of trust, on my part? ...or... Is there ever a good time?)
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I went to a food bank Monday, I was approved for food stamps on Tuesday, I talk with a social worker tomorrow (Wednesday), I have an appointment with DARS in February... and I have some part-time work coming in as a tutor - just not enough to catch up and get ahead of the bills...
On the other hand, the gaping hole of isolation tears apart my soul, in these times when self-reliance is failing horribly. I go grasping for escapes, like games and movies as entertainment, or testing the waters of the dating world, or over-eating... So, I struggle to do group activities, and get partial relief there... but those are focused conversations, that only somewhat touch on what I wonder about...
We won't even talk about how fucked up the government seems to be moving, this election cycle. (non sequitir, but it's certainly impacting my anxiety levels)

I’m getting Various advice bits along the lines of “talk to a doctor”, “talk to a therapist” - I’m saddened that This sounds like “i have to pay someone else to be listened to”...
Is it really that much of a wonder, then, that people are turning into shooters, more days than not? (Or rogue drivers, or all sorts of other violent crimes?)
Just wondering aloud...

Blindly walking any which way
Through a media maze -
Walking dead, day after day...
Eyes open, stare out in a daze.
Try to take a step forward,
And I'm cut to shreds, to very tatters,
With brain brambles and tangles
Clawing at truth's threadbare shirt.
Every past phrase, tossed off, now batters
While a fog of rumors mangles
My body, my vision, my soul -
The three, a bleeding out corpse.
Cuts amass, when pieces aren't whole -
Every past deed leaves today warped.

I must trust,
Not shirk work...
In these hours,
Fear devours.

I'd like to post a happy post, from my life, but it's difficult...?
I did make a great batch of spaghetti today, and I fed two of my house mates in the sober house!
My finances are seriously freaking me out, though.
I'm looking for suggestions about getting financial and/or bills and/or rent assistance, especially when one's already employed part-time, in a job they enjoy..?

Try this again...
I am separating myself from the Facebook wall. I will try not to post anything else here, and I will try not to read anything else here, in passive scroll...
I will still try to keep up with my notifications, and event invites; and messenger... but I wish to retreat from the public forum, until further notice.
Not sure how long I can hold my tongue and avert my eyes - yet I am very tired of this beast.
Thank you for the last 10 years,
Jody

I was getting suicidal an hour ago.
It had the feel of vengeful suicide: "You guys won't pay attention to me, so take that!"
Part of it also had that feel of public broadcasting: "I don't know what to do. Please help me! I'm going to kill myself to force you to help me." (There have been thoughts, in the past, of doing a live video on Facebook, where I stab myself in the heart...)
Maybe it's just a call for help...
I thought about calling 472-HELP... not sure if that's still a working number for PES
So, now, I spew on Facebook, telling myself that I'm outing myself to try to take power out of the suicidal thoughts.
If I wanted to succeed, then I wouldn't tell anyone, right?
sorry to be a little Grim, y'all...

Maybe it's pride, yet I do not want to ask for help from people, or even friends. I do not want to feel indebted. I do not want to impose. I definitely do not want to make demands.
Perhaps it's pride, or maybe paranoia... or just fear of being vulnerable, and possibly rejected.
There's also some concern, that the help received would not be competent, useful help; and may actually cause more harm than good. (I'm especially perplexed by how **I imagine** some of my friends may try to "tough talk me out of suicide" or perhaps unwittingly "belittle my bipolar")
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Yet I would overwhelmingly like some help, right now. I want to feel cared for, loved, appreciated.
I would value "time in person" the most - probably why I so enjoy going to group outings. It would be nice to have extra hands and extra eyes, helping in the constant career search - I hear this is the power of networking...
Although I'm pitifully poor, this week, and I still have a lot of unresolved debt... I'm not thrilled with the idea of getting money; partly because I don't know if I'd spend it wisely. On the far horizon, I'm horribly afraid of what I'll do for income when I'm no longer able to work.
Food? Meh... I have lots, but it's not a good mix. I know about food banks, and I've tapped them in the past.
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There's some deeper concerns, I guess.
Feeling like I'll be single forever, because I can't seem to improve or change my situation to where I become attractive.
Feeling like I should get out of Austin, just to be somewhere different - oh, a geographic change! (How many people love to travel, and why? What is it that's intolerable about where they're at?)
Staring at my phone and the utter lack of calls from friends and family. A bit of myopia, there, assuming all people will use all channels of communication, all the time (I certainly don't do that)... What ever happened to house visits, too?
Wondering what I can do to get better transportation, better house, a better career... also wondering if i should just abandon it all and go to a Buddhist monastery.

My myopia is trying to tell me, tonight, that I'm unvalued, helpless, and alone.

This might be the post where I tell everyone that I'm taking a Facebook hiatus... might be...