I'm in the depths of a dark depression - but what else is new?
- bills piling up, unpaid
- hiding under the bed covers, avoiding responsibilities
- paranoid that nobody wants my company
- afraid to ask for help, as nobody has asked me for help, in the past
- grasping at anything to distract - "but I'm still sober!"
...changes in sleep and appetite, irritability, difficulty focusing, delusional thinking...
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I feel like an invisible man, and that people think that I'll just disappear, if ignored long enough. Written off like an Alzheimer's patient, who already died to them, years ago...
I feel so trapped by my circumstances, locked away "in a pestilential prison, on a dull, dark, dock".. Unable to succeed because I don't have the right resources, social skills, or coping skills.
Chided by friends and family that I never have anything positive to contribute, never attempt to create any change in my life, not willing to try their brand of recovery...
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So far, I haven't started crying (in frustration) yet, this time. "Got to be strong, got to tough it out, got to pull myself up by my (flimsy) bootstraps..." More unrealistically, got to clone myself a dozen times, to be able to follow through on all the ideas and suggestions that people throw at me. ("there's some wall-building, eh?")
It's been said, over the last couple of years, to quit writing on Facebook. Ok. So, I write in a private journal. Will that create any feedback or conversation? ...or... I talk to someone in the real world. It still feels very difficult to gauge when and where, to hold serious discussions... Everyone seems tied to their Facebook or their texts or their TV's or their activities... I don't think most people, these days, want to make time to converse (unfortunately, myself, included)... Then again, I minimize what I may contribute in conversations.
Still, got a little bit away from Facebook... found myself drawn back towards it (lack of social skills, remember?)... still not very happy with it. I considered going through a crisis line -
used a text line, briefly. I've increased my AA attendance again (with reservations, still)... I just don't know who I feel comfortable with, asking for help - aside from government services. (Part of me thinks, "it's not their problem" ...? Could be pride, too, or lack of trust, on my part? ...or... Is there ever a good time?)
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I went to a food bank Monday, I was approved for food stamps on Tuesday, I talk with a social worker tomorrow (Wednesday), I have an appointment with DARS in February... and I have some part-time work coming in as a tutor - just not enough to catch up and get ahead of the bills...
On the other hand, the gaping hole of isolation tears apart my soul, in these times when self-reliance is failing horribly. I go grasping for escapes, like games and movies as entertainment, or testing the waters of the dating world, or over-eating... So, I struggle to do group activities, and get partial relief there... but those are focused conversations, that only somewhat touch on what I wonder about...
We won't even talk about how fucked up the government seems to be moving, this election cycle. (non sequitir, but it's certainly impacting my anxiety levels)