Maybe it's pride, yet I do not want to ask for help from people, or even friends. I do not want to feel indebted. I do not want to impose. I definitely do not want to make demands.
Perhaps it's pride, or maybe paranoia... or just fear of being vulnerable, and possibly rejected.
There's also some concern, that the help received would not be competent, useful help; and may actually cause more harm than good. (I'm especially perplexed by how **I imagine** some of my friends may try to "tough talk me out of suicide" or perhaps unwittingly "belittle my bipolar")
-----------
Yet I would overwhelmingly like some help, right now. I want to feel cared for, loved, appreciated.
I would value "time in person" the most - probably why I so enjoy going to group outings. It would be nice to have extra hands and extra eyes, helping in the constant career search - I hear this is the power of networking...
Although I'm pitifully poor, this week, and I still have a lot of unresolved debt... I'm not thrilled with the idea of getting money; partly because I don't know if I'd spend it wisely. On the far horizon, I'm horribly afraid of what I'll do for income when I'm no longer able to work.
Food? Meh... I have lots, but it's not a good mix. I know about food banks, and I've tapped them in the past.
-------------
There's some deeper concerns, I guess.
Feeling like I'll be single forever, because I can't seem to improve or change my situation to where I become attractive.
Feeling like I should get out of Austin, just to be somewhere different - oh, a geographic change! (How many people love to travel, and why? What is it that's intolerable about where they're at?)
Staring at my phone and the utter lack of calls from friends and family. A bit of myopia, there, assuming all people will use all channels of communication, all the time (I certainly don't do that)... What ever happened to house visits, too?
Wondering what I can do to get better transportation, better house, a better career... also wondering if i should just abandon it all and go to a Buddhist monastery.