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29 January 2021

29 Jan 2012

 "Touch not a catt bot a targe..."

...at one point, when I was working at PCL, shelving books, I took a look at my family ancestry. I like to joke now that I'm cousins to McBeth...
The first line above is the MacBean clan motto: Don't touch a cat without a shield.
Finally, I just learned that Bean goes back to the Gaelic word meaning "the lively one"... A little ironic considering my family's recent entanglements with bipolarism...

28 January 2021

28 Jan 2013

 If I try to define God, then I limit God.

Yet, if I don't try to define God, then I have a much harder time communicating with God - how do I align myself with an unknown will?
...or... I may miss those Higher Powers acting on my life, chalking experiences up to coincidence, instead of considering possible causes and effects.
And further yet, I keep writing and theorizing... My imperfect attempts to try discern how those Powers greater than me may be operating in the Universe..

25 January 2021

25 Jan 2020

 I'm writing and revising what I'm writing, right now, over and over, in my mind.

I do not want to be melodramatic; I do not want to exaggerate, or otherwise dress up the words to create an impact.
Yet, I have this horrible feeling that I'm no more than a failure. I can't shake the sense that I can't thrive, much less survive in this world. (...and as I write that, I start to predict different people's different comments...)
I am going to try to take a nap, and hope that can shift my mood, ever so slightly.
I want to believe that the world wants me in it, yet I demand to see tangible proof. Even if it doesn't want me in it, I'm at a loss to figure out what to do, since I already am in it. (and I don't want to fake it, and simply act, "as if...")

18 January 2021

dentist: 18 Jan 2020

about 18 hours later, and I have some jaw pain developing... I still feel poorly treated by the dentist - probably fueled by some shaky expectations on my part.
It frustrates me that yesterday was the 3rd visit in 4 weeks in the same problem, and what felt like a resolution was dangled before me, only to be yanked away. On the first two visits, practically nothing happened: "dentist stuck her gloved hand in my mouth for a minute to take a look at the trauma, then sends me on my way with a $5 copay. Tells me to gargle with salt water, at home." (both of the first 2 visits)
Today, they were claiming they would get a biopsy, and sand down some of the bone, for a nice $600 charge (with insurance considered)... (like night and day?)
But.... as I'm living paycheck to paycheck, in a non-glamourous job; and it seems impossible to set aside savings - I couldn't pay even the down payment on the credit line offered to cover the expenses. I couldn't pay anything, actually, because my account had overdrafted during the previous night.
I was kind of hoping that I would get some consideration as a returning patient, who had successfully completed a dental credit line, before. Nope, no favoritism here, no consideration of past transactions.
I know it's small beans compared to some people's medical nightmares; but it still feels like I was led on and then uncermoniously let go. ...and I still have to deal with whatever untreated gum condition has been causing me much concern over the last month.
I guess I'll just gargle salt water. It'll be like I'm swimming in the ocean, eh?

16 January 2021

15 Jan 2017

It doesn't make sense. My mind is screaming at me to change the way it feels, or just put an end to it all. I want comforts, and yet I don't see the easy paths to reaching them. Food, company, alcohol, sex, drugs - or oblivion... I just don't want to wait this poverty out. I fear some of my relationships have gotten twisted off, too... I'm worried about my friend(s)...? I'm all sorts of anxious about the future. Yet, my circumstances are mostly going to improve in a short period of time? Part of me wants to write it all off as my bipolar brain in transition from mania to depression. Seems so simplistic, though...

14 January 2021

14 Jan 2016

Remember: Some who live by a religion may be quite peaceful and mild-mannered, while some may be extremists... The religion does not create the crackpots.

10 January 2021

10 Jan 2012

Random thoughts that distracted me tonight: "Have I really let my H.P. into my life? Prayer is a weak area for me. However, I've always had a strong personal moral code..." "I find it difficult to ask for help from friends and family, but I'm perfectly willing to tap into government aid. I have mixed feelings about doctors..." ...and towards the end, I was thinking about the Seven of Cups (although I actually had the Five's image in mind) and the Nine of Swords from the Rider-Waite deck... Yep. Just a sample of the twists and turns my mind will wander... ----------------comment one ------------------------- Why do i think prayer is weak? People talk about foxhole prayers, but honestly I've never used them. On the other hand, there have been a couple of "G. Damn It"'s sprinkled in my past... I've only had a few short periods where I pray every night, and usually those periods pull from memorized prayers. I think there's a part of me that doesn't believe prayers to the air will be answered, at least in a manner that I can easily correlate. Then again, part of the power of prayer is that it helps redirect my mind, and refocus it on goals -ya know, like affirmations.. I think this thread ties back more to Sunday morning than to last night... --------------- sub-comments on comment 1 -------------- Jody Bean Correction to first line: Why do I think MY prayer is weak?… See More · Reply · 9y Summer Harris Prayer really does help but if u dont belive in what your praying to it wont! I have been looking at praying more like meditation. Taking my time with it an not rushing helps. · Reply · 9y Don Herminghaus your life will tell you the answer to that · Reply · 9y Jody Bean If one's life is chaos and one doesn't pray, then perhaps there's a connection between the two? I would say the better approach would be to compare one's life before prayer to one's life after prayer... · Reply · 4y Shawn Bean What if ones life is chaos and one *does* pray? Or, what if one doesn't pray but ones life is wonderful? Like Summer Harris mentioned above, most people who try to convince me of the power of prayer tell me I must believe in order for prayer to work. I've believed in many things over the course of my life. I've believed in Christianity, and in the dogma of the Roman Catholic Church (and fair warning to anyone who wants to claim that the Roman Catholic Church isn't Christian: you'd better be able to show me your degree from a Seminary before you make that claim, or you're just going to be dismissed straight out of hand.) I've believed in Buddhism, and that chanting "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo" to a parchment scroll could bring happiness. I've believed that holding onto a funny-shaped rock of the most common mineral in Earth's crust while thinking about a particular color could cure everything from the common cold to stage 4 cancer. I've believed in angels and in aliens. I've believed some things that even schizophrenics suffering from their worst hallucinations would tell you is pure bunk. And I've also believed -- and still do believe -- that the human mind is one of the most sophisticated thinking things that can possibly exist. That's what makes all of those disparate beliefs work, to whatever extent they work. We don't live in any sort of "real" world; our consciousness is confined to the subjective world of our own thoughts and perceptions. And it turns out that is a pretty malleable world where belief and denial can become forces to be reckoned with. So, where does that take us? What works for you -- if you'll excuse the tautology -- is what works for you. It may not work for anyone else, but that's not the point; the point is *your* happiness, *your* contentment, *your* ability to live a good life. If right words, right thoughts, and right deeds coupled with meditation and reflection bring you acceptance and peace with your life, then do you *need* prayer? I once heard it explained that prayer directs outward from ourselves what meditation directs inward from ourselves (bear in mind, it was a Zen teacher who said this, so I haven't the foggiest clue what she meant by "ourselves." Nor "outward" or "inward", for that matter. But there is good Zen there, nonetheless.) So, in that light, prayer and meditation are the same thing, just focused differently. Prayer supposes a personal deity, and meditation supposes an illusory self. But they both seek to provide comfort, strength, resilience, acceptance -- all aspects of turning discontent with our own lives into harmony. (Oh, yeah, and I've believed in Taoism, too; still do, to be honest.) When we look at it like that, the form our comfort takes really becomes secondary to the all-consuming question of: does it work *for you?* If so, then you're doing it right. If not, then, try something else! · Reply · 4y · Edited Summer Harris Everyday I have with him is a blessing. He has so many challenges and never complains he has taught me alot. Image may contain: 2 people, people smiling · Reply · 4y

02 January 2021

2 Jan 2017

As the ice melted, The bitter tang of iced tea Dulled, the past vanished... Since I was a teen, I've guzzled tea after tea, And found water "meh"... Yet, a curse chases: Thirst unquenched, puking begins Without alchohol... This saddens me so - How my stomach tells me, "no"; Yet, my brain: "go.. GO!!"