25 Jan 2020

 I'm writing and revising what I'm writing, right now, over and over, in my mind.

I do not want to be melodramatic; I do not want to exaggerate, or otherwise dress up the words to create an impact.

Yet, I have this horrible feeling that I'm no more than a failure. I can't shake the sense that I can't thrive, much less survive in this world. (...and as I write that, I start to predict different people's different comments...)

I am going to try to take a nap, and hope that can shift my mood, ever so slightly.

I want to believe that the world wants me in it, yet I demand to see tangible proof. Even if it doesn't want me in it, I'm at a loss to figure out what to do, since I already am in it. (and I don't want to fake it, and simply act, "as if...")

Be more extroverted! Be more outgoing! Be more likable! Stop being a wet blanket...

Be of service. Get outside of yourself. Try to help others.

"Call me - let's do lunch!"

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I want to fight against all this advice of "putting myself out there" in other people's lives, because it's very difficult to see the reciprocation - how most other people are putting themselves into my life. Granted, right now, it is a balanced power structure, because the amount of effort I'm exerting (none) matches the amount of effort that they're exerting (none). I guess I really just want to fight the idea that I have to take to initiative to try to change that power structure...

"Fear of being inappropriate or impolite, perhaps?"

..or, perhaps.. dismay at not being attractive enough to draw out interest and initiative from others.

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what's rough is that this creates fuel in my brain that I have no worth in the eyes of my friends, and my suicidal ideation kicks in to convince myself to remove myself from the world and thereby eliminate my drain on the resources. If life is going well, I can usually cut those off at the pass.... but I still feel unmotivated to create. If life is in crisis mode, then the ideations can get dangerous....