"'What's on my mind?' . . . gee, I don't know - isn't there some sort of membrane on top of the cerebral cortex? Of course, there's a skull, a scalp, and some (thinning) hair on top of that..."
31 August 2021
31 August 2010
Dang.. whatever "profound status wisdom" I had earlier today
has left.. I guess, at this moment, that I have nothing left to say. 
31 August 2020
Who am I keeping the phone line open for, tonight? I suppose I could send out test calls to the current usual suspects....
gods, though.... how I'm not a fan of the phone
I want to bury myself in a book, or watch the tv - or even youtube... to get some sort of other thoughts into my head. I'll probably play Spotify and rest for a bit to it, as last night was a low sleep night, even though I didn't intend it to be.
I'm going to retract: I'm not a fan of bouncing between distance relations and localized ones - trying to play with the phone while someone's across from the table. It just feels so rude to the person across the table...
...and the Bert Cave does have guests coming over, tonight.
*sigh* I would love to catch up with many of my current Facebook friends, one-on-one, or in small groups. Yet trying to build a schedule of those conversations could be quite a challenge.
Of course, right now, I still have the paranoid delusion that no one's writing or calling me. It might just be that I'm thinking of particular friends, and forgetting the others who are writing and calling...
I guess the real question for me is: "Can I be at peace, by myself?" Considering my typical anxiety triggers are currently away - "Yeah, I think I can... maybe with some background music and something to keep the eyes and hands busy..."
30 August 2021
30 August 2010
Many thanks to all who sent their birthday notes - it is appreciated.. 
Having a birthday late in summer usually meant that most of my school mates had no clue that the first or second day of school was also my birthday. :S
30 August 2015
"And the worms ate into his brain"
...vague dissatisfaction lurking in the dark corners of my consciousness, right now
30 August 2016
Sooo.... thank you all for the wonderful birthday wishes. I was planninng on writing gratitude notes in response..
But, it's late, and I have an appointment in the morning. May attempt it tomorrow during the day, or Wednesday?
30 August 2019
I see this negative swamp trying to pull me under its brackish, cloudy surface...
I also see so many well wishes upon my birthday... so many contacts from across the spectrum of my life.
I do not think my enemy has ever been you - it has always been me... me holding up fun house mirrors, trying to convince me that their distortion is how reality is supposed to BE.
Are they reflections that I’ll never measure up, that I’ll never fit in... that I just can’t bring enough to the table? I hear a cloud, thinking, “if you’re alive, you’re succeeding!”
And I’m reminded of the recent meeting(s), talking of fear... and my unspoken share: “I do not want to be limited. I do not understand boundaries.”
Twin minds within my skull: one that appreciates good company, and the other so afraid that I have nothing good to give...
30 August 2020
if anyone is curious, we made it home safe at 1:30 a.m. There were some wrong turns made along the way...
If anyone is clueless, my housemates and I went on a coastal road trip, to just get OUT of the house.... we saw fishes and flowers and feasts and beaches. There might be a good collection of videos and photos tossed up into my Facebook "My Story" over the next couple of days.
30 August 2020
I thought this was a nice USCCB Daily Reading, for today: (JER 20:7-9)
_____________________
You duped me, O LORD, and I let myself be duped;
you were too strong for me, and you triumphed.
All the day I am an object of laughter;
everyone mocks me.
Whenever I speak, I must cry out,
violence and outrage is my message;
the word of the LORD has brought me
derision and reproach all the day.
I say to myself, I will not mention him,
I will speak in his name no more.
But then it becomes like fire burning in my heart,
imprisoned in my bones;
I grow weary holding it in, I cannot endure it.
_______________________
I might have to think about this, before commenting what it conjures in my mind
29 August 2021
29 August 2014
Today, I turn 42. I sense that my wall will get busy.
I'm still trying not to use Facebook's like button, so this could be a bit of a challenge... 
29 August 2019
I've made another orbit about the sun, but I do not think I let Facebook know about it, any more. They already mine too much info off of our profiles, as it is...
29 August 2020
I find myself trying to set expectations for others. It’s like, “I want to have this boundary; because I’m seeing if it improves my quality of life.”
Yet, are these expectations realistic? Do I NEED to verbalize and publicize everything? If I do publicize, does that mean some people will use that boundary as an opportunity to test me - or as a reason to dismiss me?
Is it obvious, a priori, what actions I’ll easily forgive and which ones will seriously provoke me?
(...and what about your expectations?)
Ultimately, am I trying to avoid some sort of pain or discomfort through my expectations, instead of accepting the pain?
Life does not have to be happy or even peaceful, all the time. I need to be willing to deal with discomfort, for, usually, that brings growth. If I’m unwilling to listen to the good, the bad, and the ugly... then I’m trying to avoid some slice of the universe.
Probably my largest fear is my becoming so disrupted that I no longer act rationally. The quickest path there is through lack of sleep (like last night).
Past experience has shown me that, when I get irrational, I drive friends away (usually because of obsessive behaviors), I end up in mental hospitals (because I’ve gone manic), or I think about (all the time) or attempt suicide (once in 1998, once in 2001). I have a fair idea of the environmental triggers that can lead me to irrational thinking - and usually some survival instinct feels threatened by them...
29 August 2020
I’m trying to be more proactive about conversing on the phone or by messaging 1-on-1 with more people. I’m hesitant about starting group texts, just because those can spin out of hand... so, some of you may See IM’s to try to start conversations
I’m trying to reduce my pattern of long posts on Facebook
29 August 2020
“There’s got to be restroom open at 11:48 pm, somewhere in this string of small Texas towns!”
Road trip woes...
28 August 2021
28 August 2010
Walked outside of work, and it was blessedly cool. Just checked the weather online, and it says Austin is at 63 degrees.. AND THIS IS AUSTIN IN AUGUST?! (Thank you, God, although I worry at times about the future weather we're creating..)
28 August 2011
"I'm going to try to quit smoking tomorrow..."
...granted, I've been saying that a lot over the last 10 years, but I'm hoping that this time the REAL health and financial costs will prevail over the "imaginary benefits" that I delude myself into believing that I receive.
I just dread the sleepless nights and bejumbled brain that past experience shows will accompany those first 30 days sans nicotine.
28 August 2019
"Why does scrolling through the Facebook feed make me suicidal?" (-me, over the last year)
Seriously, though... what message(s) am I picking up, consciously and sub-consciously, from "all y'all" and your posts?
27 August 2021
27 August 2010
T - 2 days and ~35 minutes: I think I'll remember 23 for a while - living in French House, and an ex-member brought back a bottle of wine from her trip to Spain, my house mates bought two 12-packs of Shiner, and the Russian exchange students arrived and gave me a "smuggled" bottle of Ruskaya vodka... although 30 and 35 have interesting stories, too..
27 August 2017
My mind is pondering past romances and crushes... trying to get an idea about points of attraction.
Does not make it easy to drift off to sleep.
27 August 2019
At some point, the manic brainstorming simply burns out all of my energy reserves... and my body swings me to a depression to try to rebuild.
(Well, that’s my untested hypothesis, actually. I wonder if it’s a valid model?)
(Also, everyone cycles through energy and depletion, I think. Perhaps my problem is that “my governing mechanisms are damaged/atypical”..?)
27 August 2019
I’m caught up in a pity party.
I do not want a participation reward, though. I want genuine solutions that bring with them “peace of mind”.
Yet, I also fear going through “catastrophic upheavals” in order to achieve those solutions...
What can I do, within my sphere of influence, to create lasting changes that minimize fear and anxiety in my life?
Some have suggested leaving Austin; but that feels catastrophic... there’s no safe landing place in sight, see? ...no sanctuary that I can trust with confidence...
Others suggest getting better employment. Fair. Yet, it takes convincing to get employers to hire you - especially well-paying employers.
Similarly, finding a life partner seems tricky. Do I have to change my personality to some model(s) paraded in the media, in order to better fit the picture that prospective partners hold in their mind(s) of “the One”...? Do I have to cater to your expectations of how I should behave and how I react to your behaviors?
There’s reducing expenses by various means, like getting on welfare programs or using food banks. I try to do this. Honestly, I feel like I’ve reduced all optional expenses away - and there’s still too much to pay for...
(Ah, joy. Text wall. Sorry, y’all...)
26 August 2021
26 August 2012
Why do we focus on the breathe?
By doing so, we come into present awareness, and centered.
However, it is trickier than the heart beating, for our mind may try to take control of the breathe, instead of allowing our breathe to guide us towards simultaneous internal and external awareness and acceptance.
26 August 2014
So, I'm scrolling thru the newsfeed, and even looking at many of the comments. Nothing's drawing out a response from me.
Guess that today I'm destined to be a lurker.
26 August 2016
What would I like for my birthday (8/29) this year? Hmmm...
A new wallet (or two?), a black belt (that could handle waists from 30-38?), some large white polo shirts, gift cards for getting black slacks, board games, good old cash to cover my outstanding bills...
Now, what will I get for my birthday? Who knows...
Actually, the best gift is good company.
Just going to put this out there, and hope something neat happens!
26 August 2016
Welp. My phone is bleeding out, dying of thirst...
I'm no longer able to charge it - I tried multiple chargers.
So... until its reincarnation arrives next week, I can best be reached by Facebook and Facebook messenger.
I do have email, too, but that's less likely to be checked regularly.
26 August 2017
A part of me yearns for stronger activity connections with my circle of connections...
Yet time and money seems to hold me back.
I think my HS friends may recall my levels of extra-curricular involvement, and possibly understand how painful it is to be "grayed out" by poverty?
26 August 2019
I will be turning 47 on this Thursday. If you want to get me a birthday gift; may I suggest sending money to my PayPal?
-no need to package a box and pay shipping
-no middle-man Facebook, deducting from donations to a charity
-you can add a message that could be your birthday card
Of course, you could just opt out of getting any gifts, and rely on Facebook’s birthday reminders...
26 August 2020
[ Just another set of my opinions - Jody ]
-----------------------------
"I thought I was someone else, someone good.
OH, it's such a perfect day, I'm glad I spent it with you."
heard about a minute ago, on Lou Reed's "Perfect Day", playing via Spotify...
..."You're going to reap just what you sow...."
-----------------
Significant synchronicity? Random Juxtaposition.... hell if i know.
Now, Spotify has queued up the 2015 Remaster of Bowie's "Life on Mars"
_______________
Are we heavily influenced by the media we buy into? Yes.
Does it provide a prebuilt structure that I want to map my life onto? Yes.
So, I'm reminded of Jimmy Parker's comment that "Return of the King" should have ended when Sam and Frodo were stranded on the rock outcroppings around Mount Doom's lava flows - like, yes, they got their quest finished but there's no certainty of being saved, after... almost like a "Rogue 1" ending.
I'm reminded that life is not Hallmark Fairy Tales, that we aren't ever guaranteed anything... that sometimes we just have to trudge and sometimes we'll end up hurting each other. People end up on the streets through a series of unfortunate events. People make choices that they can't get out of - like losing a limb from diabetes?
I really don't have to have people's approval. I want it, because it makes me feel slightly more safer and secure. I think that being in a tribe, or even an organization multiplies our collective power and helps distribute strengths to balance out weaknesses...
But that's not always true. We can all be guilty of the same fault(s)... We can all have flawed ways of treating our homes - whether it be our planet or our tribe. We can all favor a celebrity and ignore an unknown....
It just hurts to think I might simply be another unknown... another evolutionary dead-end... an undesirable that most people would rather not take the time to engage with.
To think that my mix of Pink Floyd, Tom Waits, Monty Python, Neil Gaiman and God only knows what is just too jumbled together for people to appreciate. To think that in "trying to be woke", I end up "being put to sleep" (...which is probably a horrible phrasing of some strange sociological forces at play...)
...and to say that I must be the problem, and nobody else has done any wrong - when I really don't know if I truly believe that, in my core. Maybe, I don't want people to get angry at accusations, because I don't want to have to invest a lot of energy in trying to defend them. So, instead, I just try to silence the accusations and they become weird paranoia preying upon my conscience...
Is the current age characterized by a different process of showing disapproval compared to the 00's, 80', and 60's ? More than likely, yes. Do I know what those different processes are? Only hazily - mostly learned through the stories we watch, the media we digest...
(and now i'm reminded of an article, earlier this week - how books like "the power of positive thinking" are getting traced as the beginning of horrible trends in modern America....)
25 August 2021
25 August 2012
Wondering if it would be worth my while to explore okcupid again... Wondering if any women that I actually know in real life find me remotely attractive... Wondering if I'm trying to live by a set of rules that guarantee a life alone...
Ah, yeah... How the lonely heart can fuel fears and resentments. Bleh.
25 August 2019
(Silently swearing..?)
“I want to die.”
...no, I just feel overwhelmed. I feel less than - perhaps marginalized?
(Somebody quips, “feelings are not facts”... another: “well, when that happened to me, I...”... and another, and another - so many voices trying to be heard)
That’s how I imagine it, when, in reality, it’s more like the deafening roar of silence - everyone’s self-absorbed.
The horrible thing is that I don’t know if I make sense when I speak. I don’t know if I’m getting on your level, speaking your language.
I don’t know if you even care. (Well, That is unfair... all or nothing statement, there...)
I imagine the baby on the high chair, banging his spoon for attention... evoking an image of Trump to parallel.
Attention-grabbing... power-seeking... clamoring to be heard, to be seen favorably? (That’s not me - is that me? ...pointing to conversations instead of monologues and 4 a.m. postings)
Now, I’ve lost my steam, because it scrolled off the screen.
(I do not know if there is “an easy fix”... I do not know if I can make sense... I do not know if anyone, myself included, wants to have a fearless conversation...)
I do not know.
So, I want to die.
Oblivion.
—————-
(Taking a cue off an earlier post, I retreat to my bed, to sleep through the depression...)
25 August 2020
10:45 - 11:40 : breakfast at Arrandas!
Then off to the in-person 12@12
(Trying to have some live interactions, with mask)
25 August 2020
USCCB Daily Readings - 25 August 2020 (Matthew 23):
“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, you hypocrites.
You pay tithes of mint and dill and cummin,
and have neglected the weightier things of the law:
judgment and mercy and fidelity.
But these you should have done, without neglecting the others.
Blind guides, who strain out the gnat and swallow the camel!...”
24 August 2021
24 August 2016
Update for all, at Donna's request:
I'm feeling some muscle soreness and stiffness, especially on my tail bone. The cut on my head did not require stitches, and the pain there has subsided. the CAT Scan showed no internal head damage, so I think my brain's as quirky as ever....
Need to schedule a follow-up with my PCP next week - will do that after I log off here.
I have not yet contacted the driver's insurance about reasonable compensation. I have no experience with auo acciden claims, so I welcome any advice y'all may have, or recommended lawyers.. Wondering if Bradlee may know of some good referrals?
I was still able to work today with low pain levels..
24 August 2018
I woke up at 5:45, this morning, and started gathering steam to charge into the day...
now, i'm extremely deflated, ready to crawl back under the covers.
I think I overwhelmed myself when I considered my planning.
24 August 2020
I'm still fighting the feelings that "Nobody - absolutely nobody - would consider me as a life partner."
I try to convince myself that's not the truth, but there's just no evidence to build a case against the statement. So, I'm left wondering if I'm fine being by myself, and I'm really NOT fine with that.
It just makes life seem so fucking futile...
I know the old AA idea: "Imagine your ideal partner, and then grow to become like them."
I'm trying, even if it's baby steps. (I don't understand why we can't grow towards perfection, together, though - instead of having to be perfect, a priori...)
I imagine there's some crap points in my personality,
contributed by fear, the bipolar brain, addictive behaviors, and more...
There's also some definite status deficiencies that people dislike: no car, no house, no savings, no retirement...
And I'm certainly not making good motions that I'm interested in available parties - another defeat from my fears: "Don't blame me! Blame sexual harassment!"
And, right now, I'm probably perceived by you, gentle reader, as just harping on the same tune, again - with no noticeable growth since the last post like this.
Loneliness fucking sucks.
Wanting too much attention fucking sucks.
Seeing how my brain starts the suicidal ideations, just because I'm lonely? (Still fucking sucks.)
Do I go kick around the dating sites again, in the hopes that some random stranger is a magic cure-all for all my loneliness ills? Pshaw... I'm not ready to go through that "meet and greet grinder"" again. I mean, if I just wanted sex without connection - that's pretty easy to gain, but really fucking unsatisfying.
I liked it, back in the day, when people wrote letters back and forth. I liked it, when we gathered for events, at each others' house - or possibly, at a local vendor.
Right now, it all feels like we're all in little glass jars, with our voices bouncing around inside. If we're lucky, we got trapped with a couple of others - even though they might bug us.
Alas... I am second class materials in a society that demands priority hand-delivered curios. (I play at making at a USPS analogy, and I probably fall flat, even there.)
I'm also 47, going on 48. So, most of my traditional potential partners are no longer available, having been married, for years. I imagine the available ones remaining, are a bit stir crazy, like myself - because we both feel that we missed our boats when they sailed. I'd be willing to date "outside of my traditional parameters", on some fronts -- but I'm pretty sure I'd still balk at some of the others.
yay. another essay. i still fucking want to curl up and die. ...and I think that "flight instead of fight" is definitely NOT a good point of attraction - everyone wants a confident guy, right?
(I kind of hate writing to the Facebook blob.
why didn't I want to call someone, instead?
I think I texted 3 people to check...
Hell, the thoughts have been put out there - I'll post them, anyway.
As far as I know, I'm only talking from my own perception, and not about anybody else, specifically...
so, this will probably die another Facebook post's unnoticed death)
23 August 2021
23 August 2009
Aaaahh! The sweat-soaked shirt! The musky smell, clinging to my skin, nipples barely visible, leaving puddles wherever I sit... "Ah, yes, how do I love this 'benefit' of the sweltering Texas summer heat..."
23 August 2011
...and - like *That* - I disappeared for weeks and weeks...
I didn't see anything interesting in my brief return here, but it might just be a slow night. My suspicions are that, with work and school and all, I'll be more of a shadow lurker for the next few months - it's bit tedious, typing on a phone...
Birthday base riddle : 23 August 2017
My dad's birthday is one day before mine. When he turned 40, I turned 4. Now, he's turning 111, while I'll be 55.
Can you determine why?
23 August 2019
i do not understand this writer's block. some sort of fear is welling up, telling me that I have nothing new to write... and that anything I have written has become bland and unnoticed.
23 August 2019
So much of my Day borders on solitary pursuits. Yet, I’m surrounded by people?
Do I tell a lie? Do I have difficulty connecting?
I have grown so weary of “my stories”...
(Whining on the bus ride home...)
23 August 2020
The desire to call out hasn't reached critical mass, yet... For that matter, the desire to write a Facebook post feels rather forced, too.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around over-sharing. I'm still using a paragraph with three supporting sentences, for comparing. ...do I break the pattern, to make a new paragraph, now?
but of course.. "Screw standardizations, if it can hammer home a point!"
I can see how a simple, direct statement has a bit more "umph" than a big long chain of clauses and conditons. I can see it... but my math mind, my science mind - they want those clauses and conditions to prevent you from jumping to erroneous conclusions:
"explain the possibilities away before they were considered."
...and I'm trying to delve deep, and think why the explanations need to be so simple. why the sharing should be in short bursts?
Honestly? I suspect information gets lost, especially when it's only heard, and so adding all those clauses and conditions makes it harder to stay on top of the conversation...
oh, aside here... I forgot my bipolar brain, when it's gone manic, again. it's horrible how much memory i'm trying to dump. I've sat and jotted down notes of triggered thoughts, while other people were sharing - just to keep those thoughts from being overbearing.
If you don't let me go off on the tangents, then I'll get lost in them. I suspect this is why I much prefer reading and writing to speaking and listening. Having my voice sounding the words in my head, and reading them with my eyes, at a leisurely pace - with a chance to rewind when confused... yeah, it's much easier to remember a lot more information.
Now.... having talked about my speech - what about all of yours? If I go over-explaining, do I lose you? Do I leave no opportunities left to contribute to our conversation? Do I basically dump a load on you, so that I'm empty-handed but you're carrying double the weight?
I know this is a long post, now. I'm sure someone could turn it into a short, sweet meme... Yet, I think we have a bit of a conversation crisis - with so many channels, so much information - everyone;s trying to speak, and who then is left to listen?
Do we muffle straight, middle-aged, white males like myself - simply because they've been the dominant speakers, forever!? Actually, yes, and I DO try to keep my verbal comments low...
but who's reading the Facebook feed? who's watching all the channels of TV? Have we hit the multiplication point so that there's too much diversity of opinion out there? How did fake news become such a phenomenon, anyway? Is it just a strange by-product of well-delivered irony and sarcasm? After all, I think good irony can be tough to detect by its particular targets...
My brain spins about conversation - it has since high school. I want to make better sense out of it... I want to have a variety of styles at my fingertips.
Yet, honestly? I think I've lost most of my audience. And so, there's a little more mass put on the desire to call out... There's a little more sadness, because I feel alone and unappreciated, far too often. (I'm only feeding that, by writing so many essays - because I don't know when they will be read, and by who.)
Plus, "Facebook IS a scrapbook" - a dumping ground for memes.... Here, long essays often die quick deaths.
22 August 2021
22 August 2010
A chameleon personality tries to fit in with their social group by parroting the words and actions of their fellows... leads to different personas, none of which is a true display of the inner self. "I think my mom euphemised this by talking about putting on hats for the situation - her worker's hat, her mom's hat, . . ."
22 August 2013
I think I only got 3 hours of sleep last night. So, I'm going to lay down, and see if I can add 3 more hours of sleep...
I don't feel tired right now, but I also have a busy afternoon later today, and don't want to be dragging my heels through it...
21 August 2021
21 August 2013
I'm isolating, and want to break out of it. Does anyone want to meet up with me at Strange Brew, tonight (Wednesday 8/21), after 10 pm?
21 August 2014
Anyone got plans for tonight?
I have no Facebook events and no personal appointments, so I'm free and flexible.
I also have some tabletop games itching to be played...
If you have my phone number, it may be better to call me, as I think I'm shelving Facebook for the afternoon.
21 August 2014
Oh yeah. My bump's scheduled to be cut out tomorrow morning... Not sure how I feel about that, yet.
Will scalp stitches and walking in the Texas sun mingle well together?
21 August 2016
I feel hopeless about my finances.
I don't know if working two jobs will solve my ills, or just breed new ones around time budgeting. Part of me wants to say, "Keep trudging. Keep trusting. There's a light some where ahead..."
It's frustrating, though, as I'm slipping further and further behind on rent; and groceries are dwindling away, and the other bills are getting put into defaults...
Why? Why can I not seem to get out of poverty? How can I change, and start reducing debt and saving money, for once?
25 years of living in Austin, and it all feels like financial hell...
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