15 July 2014

Unfortunately, I missed a week of work due to illness, and I had no sick pay left. So, I now find myself poor as a church mouse again...

Any donations to help me through the next 3 weeks would be greatly appreciated (food, money, ???).

15 July 2019

Between my paranoia and others’ drama, I end up “sulking silently in the shadows “...

14 July 2018

 (an attempt to "shock and awe")

...or provoke some response...

blinded to the attention given in the last 48 hours...

the compliments, the good words, the salutations, the gifts

banging the square peg into the round hole, and demanding that "life turns around, and blankets me in wealth and security" - perhaps a mid-life crisis, perhaps a fear grown too large...

perhaps sinking into a quagmire of perceived fails, suffocating at the confinements they create - drowning in my discontent(S)

I do not think that I need the Sun and the Moon, but Betelgeuse might be ripe enough now. I do have a satchel, too, and could probably find a towel near at hand...

waxing dramatic or poetic or "who knows?" ...because I can't pin down the thing(s) that are driving me insane.

Just give me "more"...?

14 July 2019

why this insistence that the dark be bad or evil? night time is a great time to collect one's thoughts, to reflect, and to find peace with what has been and what will be...

perhaps, there's ancestral memories of night predators, followed by the warning stories created since - associating darkness with the unknown and the unseen dangers that can come out of it...

------------------

I say all that, and yet I feel myself suffocating in an encroaching darkness and isolation. I look at where I am, right now, and I want to cry out at the loneliness. I feel the mortality, the end, the anonymity... I fight at the thought of oblivion, of passing on, unremembered...

I feel separated and alone, like the last 16 hours have been wasted, as has the week and the months before. I feel blocked from making real connections, because technology intervenes and because my reservations keep me silent and aloof... (I hear Don's voice in my head, "get back into service!")

I think that so many bridges have been burned to the ground, because I'm not behaving according to expectations... and people don't want wild cards in their life... (myself, included)

I feel so ground into the dirt, by years of living a student's poverty that I don't know how to find the sky, anymore... so chained to my old channels, that I've forgotten how to draw and paint.... and why can't I sing out the Serenity Prayer at the end of the AA meetings?! ...and why did I get picked last for Dodge Ball?!

Of course, it's all just strings of words, very loosely connected. My pessimistic mind tells me that shouting them out is tired and old, and taking vows of silence would be far more bold.

Gods damn it all, though! I've been silent for so long, that I don't know how to control how I want to speak...

My predicting mind says that no one will approach, because, the fear is that I will not hold a confidence. Perhaps it's true... perhaps I speak loosely of others... but most of you do, too...??

Or, maybe, I don't talk enough about people other than you and I...)

14 July 2020

 So, I did a morning meditation walk, this morning. I saw a cat ahead, sitting on the sidewalk; and I thought, “I’d like to meet this cat!”

Slow my pace. Stop.

Move a little closer. Pause.

Cat meows, I mew back..

Cat comes a little closer..

Reach out hand. Cat sniffs at it. Offers forehead

I scratch cat’s head.

Cat rolls around on ground, a little.

I scratch its head again, and try to pet it...

Strike! Bite!

(“Too soon, Mr. Bean - too soon!”)

Then I got reminded of the Bean family motto, and, I was like, “yep! Too soon! Maybe tomorrow?”

Also pictured:

- APO Top Ten mug - Spring 1998

(I had finished within the top 10 members, regarding volunteer service)

- various month chips from AA

- an old TI-35 plus calculator from when I was in high school (1980’s)

14 July 2020

"There are sooo many things I’d like to say but I often find a couple of certain old adages that have long been forgotten helpful and they are:

- 1. “If you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all”

- 2. “Treat people as you’d like to be treated”.

And if you can’t do either than I’ll say a prayer for you."

posted by my friend, Roxanne Greer-Minick, first.

I would like to think that I live by these 2 statements, too.

If I were to start adding more:

- 3. Honesty really is the best policy

- 4. Ask questions before you make assumptions

- 5. Having the last word does not mean that you won an argument.

13 July 2012

Am I trustworthy?

Why or why not?

13 July 2012

Poor quality and low quantity of sleep over the last 30 hours...

"30 year record high level of mold..?" 'maybe, I just want to be more active during my time off - you know, cabin fever..'

Still, my mind feels kind of ragged right now. Hoping it'll pass...

13 July 2013

 I took a stroll tonight through my Facebook wall, and I realized that it has become really cluttered with shared memes over the last few days... weeks... months...

So, I am going to try for a "Vow of Originality" until my next birthday. By that, I mean that whatever I post will be my original thoughts, or possibly paraphrased quotes, and some times comments on others' posts - but I am not going to use the like or share buttons here.

Perhaps there's another motive, beyond cleaning up my wall. I'm wondering if this will reduce my Facebook fancies, and possibly increase the amount of time I devote to writing, as I have some interest in pursuing writing as a career.

Does anyone have suggestions for the first topics in the next 45 days?

13 July 2017

I wonder if the persona I present on Facebook mirrors the person I am, in Real Life?

I think my posts here are in a bit of a vacuum chamber (partly by design), and so I present more worries and fears and angers - online diary journaling, if you will. Most of the time, I don't have a particular audience in my mind, so I slip into "talking to myself"

That, and I vent the bipolar ups and downs, to get those out of the shadows...

13 July 2018

 Just writing, writing, writing... 'til my palm bleeds blue with cold spilled ink and red with rubbed raw meat, read by skeptical eyes...

not sure what the point is, why the futility exists - why the insatiable thirst is never slaked, why why why....

hoping beyond hope..? that someone may hear, my voice in the darkness? that troubles' loads will be lightened with sympathetic eyes...

yet, battered down by "constructive critics", berated and despised - a pariah in the desert, now - such has become our supports bandied about by independent lives, by the pathos that "we all know what is right" - critical eyes?

in some strange dominant/submissive dance, i retreat behind a happy facade, and yet I still cry out in the night, "Self-sufficiency was good as far as it went....!"

I know the critiques will come, yet I still try to be heard. Because I once heard that "silent men become dead men" and, contrary to what I have said, I do not want to die.

Oh, but I want to thrive! I want to soar! I want to be so, so much more... whereby, I feebly raise broken wings and toast smashed dreams, and taste the bitter bile rising in my throat, these days. the tears begin to flow - i can feel them, welling up now...

nobody wants to read random journals about pain and suffering, as they scroll through cats and created dinners. at least, i know i began to bypass the rants, as a friend grieved his dead parents - over the years past. perhaps, all we want is tidy little packages and Madison Avenue sound bites, and simple solutions.

nobody cares to reach out to the wallflowers who won't entertain them.

nobody is a loaded word, born of all or nothing thinking, embedded in our minds' attempts to have simple solutions, or universal truths.

13 July 2020

 Some times, when people tell us that they're being ignored by other person(s), our first job is not to create solutions in their lives for how to be heard.

Our first priority is to take time to really listen to them, because they trusted us enough to confide in us. Because... maybe they just need to talk their ideas out.

However, we have to watch out that we're not allowing the conversation to prevent us from living our individual lives.

---------------

For that grievous error in communication and life skills, I feel like a major doofus. "Doh!"

12 July 2012

10 pm, and we started from pg. 52: "When we saw others solve their problems by depending on a Spirit of the Universe, we had to quit doubting the power of God..." (from memory, so may not be an exact quote)

My thoughts...?

We have to remember that not everyone else depends on a Higher Power, and that most of those others "suffer from some of the bedevilments" (Is that the contra-positive: (not depending) -> (problems unsolved)..?) Also, some people who think they're depending on God, like a religious zealot, may actually still be engaging in self-centered behavior...

I have to wonder about how I may be depending upon God, or how I may be depending on self-reliance or self-preservation, or how I may be depending on some other person or thing, like money... across all major areas of my life. I think it's possible, too, that I will depend on God in one area, like how I treat others, but depend on self-reliance in another area, like finances...

Thinking about "how" there, I think it really boils down to, "Are my words and actions consistent with respecting and following my conception of a Higher Power?" Like, am I trying to be a worker among workers, a contributing member of society, respectful of others, etc etc...

Sooo... when I think about old ideas at play in my life, I think about fear-motivated or self-preservation motivated ideas that may be causing more harm than good. One area that comes to my mind is dating and romance and flirting.... This status update is getting kind of long, though, and that's spinning off on a tangent - so I'll give that discussion its own status update.

12 July 2012

 So, why is it that I can still be restless, irritable, and discontent even if I seem to have a lot going for me?

Some would attribute it to the addict's mind, and I can see that.

You know... an addict's mind is wired to grab for anything that stimulates and/or increases its dopamine levels, because it's really addicted to its dopamine flood much more than the stimulating thing or activity. At least, that's the idea I picked up from Dr. Loving at Shoal Creek, 7 years ago...

Part of me also wonders if there's some unmet expectations still in my life that are irritating me, like, oh...

- "Why am I still single? Heck, why do I have so few RL interactions with women?"

- or "How can I get beyond living from paycheck to paycheck?"

- or "Why is it so hard for me to search for and find a career that makes much better use of my abilities?"

12 July 2013

 I have used the witching hour to sift through the news feed, and share much that resonated with me. It's been a while since the last time I've had full access here, via desktop computer. My apologies if my over-sharing spammed up your news feed, but I do think you'll enjoy some of the stuff I shared....

11 July 2010

 hmm. ...fish to feed? ...treasures to uncover? ...Sleep To PostPone?! Naaah! I'm going to opt for the bed, and hope the current CD mix stirs up some interesting dream material. Well, actually I don't know if Phillip Glass' "Koyaanasqaatsii" would do that trick, but maybe the Moby or the soundtracks will...

11 July 2013

 Do I try for some Facebook therapy?

Would it help matters any that four people wind up liking my status, and three people comment on it with two of those sending support while one sends some snippy side remark?

11 July 2018

A wave of hopelessness churns through my psyche. My soul is so weary, tangled up in the thorny, thousand barbwire pinpricks of missed opportunities...

My body is far worse than Kotter's uncle. Would you believe me, by reading this groan. All the open sores, All the achy joints...

" The ennui - ah, Henri! That cat can relate..."

Dancing with death, in broad daylight, deep in the dark corners of my deprived mind.

...and yet, I tell you, "I'm fine!"

11 July 2019

Another night, winding down, where I’m plagued by feelings of emptiness. *sigh*

I do not want to have to talk down the various thoughts of self-harm and self-Pity... I do not want to have these feelings, to begin with...

A friend often says, “if you want self-esteem, do esteemable acts”...

...but I think my problem is rooted in an over-abundance of my own feelings of envy: “I stare at the empty cupboard, made all the more bare when contrasted with others’ over-flowing pantries”

(But it’s not just food envy or money envy or sex envy... it’s a whole spectrum of perceived deficiencies bearing down and making me feel so worthless)

How is my life a success, by any measures? Why do I try to delude myself into thinking that it’s anything better than an uncertain survival mode?

(I feel like that meme, with the guy at the desk in his yard, with the sign “convince me”. I just do not see evidence that my life is valued, most of all by me... and that’s a half-truth, if I go digging around in past interactions...)

At which point, I end the rant, to try to hide from this wave of hysteria through sleep, surrounded by crickets...

10 July 2017

 I have my personal experience that I can relate to. I do not know what other life-forms experience, although people's attempts to communicate their lives can resonate with my own set of memories.

There are a lot of basic experiences that have been repeated over and over, throughout time, that have generated sets of both good and bad responses. Deciding what's good and bad tends to be built on emotional reactions. (I recall a book in the last 20 years that looked at studies of how lack of emotions impaired judgements)

(I might cross-share this to Facebook)

One of the things I love about Buddhist meditation is that it challenges me to form first-hand insights behind my experiences. Similarly, AA's programs says, "Try these behaviors, see what happens, and use that to form your own experience with a God, as you understand him"

A lot of people wring their hands over what others tell them that God is, or, more often... over people telling them Godly behavior and then practicing the opposite.

I think religion does not create a good model of how the physical world works. However, it does do a good job of looking at social interactions, good and bad, through the ages... however, religion has given rise to philosophy, psychology, even history, and influenced other social sciences - and those fields are now coupling with science to give good insights into social behavior and also abnormalities and how they can "break social rules"

So, I claim to be agnostic. If there is a God, it's much more than my personal experience and understanding. Yet, to thrive in this world, it greatly helps to depend upon experiences beyond my own. I.e., I learn from my elders, sharing in their success and avoiding their mistakes...

10 July 2019

 "Why am I single? Why have I been single, most of my life?"

My first thought is that I try not to approach people as "potential partners". ...or... I do not try to flirt, to say pick-up lines, to focus in on physical attributes, to basically treat people as possible sex partners...

because I've heard that that behavior is not generally appreciated from strangers, and it borders on harassing behavior...

My second thought is that I tend not to frequent places where people are looking for "potential partners", like going to bars or logging in to dating sites. (Mostly because I do not want to be viewed as a possible sex partner, instead of as a person.) ...also, it should be noted that the few attempts to frequent such sites has tended to end abyssmally for me - probably because of the first thought, above...

Yet... there's probably more at play, here, as I have had physical relationships, in the past. Why didn't they last? Probably because it's like giving a starving man a banquet - I quickly began obsessing, in a variety of ways, once the relationships started. (No clue on "How to play it cool", perhaps? Or, also, sabotaging anxiety about all of the ways that I'm not measuring up to the other person's expectations...)

Part of me really enjoys the bachelor life. If I only had a little more money, if I could hire personal care attendants - then I'd probably happily live out the rest of my years, single. Not that I don't care for company, as I rather enjoy good conversations... it kind of begs the question, "Why do I need a partner, anyway? What niche(s) are they uniquely suited to fill in my life?"

I would also be quite content living in a co-op or similar multi-family type of housing. I've done that, most of my adult life.

Still, I would like to attempt another romance, at some point. I kind of hope to be better off, financially, to open up options for activities, food, travel, and housing. I am thinking that I should make some requests, though:

- please, do not expect me to initiate the romance (i.e. "ask you out")... I have reached the conclusion that my doing so is generally considered rude. (because i'm a heterosexual male, and we do not know what we are doing)

- please, allow me some leniency to make mistakes. As I mentioned above, I have not dated 100's of women, so I don't have a clue about your expectations. I also think that all the Hollywood screenplays hurt this situation a lot more than help it (by creating a large set of false expectations)

- and, please, be aware that I am human, too; and I still need to be treated like an ordinary human. I may not be able to do the things that you want of me, and I may not be aware that I am doing things wrong. (...and I understand that this road goes both ways, in that you are human, too - and not some supermodel sex machine or similar distorted image of women)

I write this, alone in my room, and I doubt that much will develop out of it. Perhaps it's just rehearsing, in its way - trying to make sense out of the mess that we call romance?

Any way, thank you for taking the time to read this!

9 July 2017

 I'm very infatuated with one of my Austin Facebook friends - she's got such awesome selfies, she's sober, and she's studied in a field that's spawned many of my previous love interests... (There's more, mind you..)

Yet, I'm afraid to reveal my interest in her, as I do not know if it would be reciprocated. That, and there's been very few interactions between us outside of sober events.

Now, I leave you hanging with this bit of vaguebook...

9 July 2020

 When sharing, and trying to connect with my personal experience, I'm almost left feeling that my real-world examples were inadequate.

That applies in talking on social issues, even on some of my discussion about my struggles with the bipolar mental illness and with alcoholism. Even trying to relate a humorous story form my past: Flop!

I do not know if writing stuff out works better for me - it helps me organize, as I write, a little bit better - yeah. It's hard to organize my speech in mid-speech. Regarding organization, it has helped me in the past to write down short outlines before speaking - partly to clear my brain so I can better to hear what someone else is saying, but also to have a visual aid, to keep me on track.

There is some fear, though, when I put writings into the public - just because of the record it creates, and that those writings need to stand alone on their own weight. They simply can not be defended from all questioning uncertainties when others stumble upon them.

My reaction, if I'm trying to fight uncertainty, is to write more explanation. Those longer posts probably get overlooked - or, at least, uncommented, because everyone values their time, and don't want to be tied up in a reply that lasts hours. Unfortunately, that does not translate well into group conversations, also because of everyone's processing abilities and time concerns.

I've often felt like other speakers take more than their fair share of conversation time - which is probably more of a fear that I'm not getting complete idea across. What's relevant? What's irrelevant? Where are the connections that link what was last said to what's being said? I actually quite enjoy Robert's Rules of Order and other moderation, because they can keep people focused on what's being discussed.

Maybe: Conversing is for the bullets, while writing is for the proofs?

It would be nice to have a well-connected network of ideas with good logical connections with which we can explain the past and predict the future! "Ah, Science!" Yet, I still think there's quite a lot of hidden information in our past, and quite a few false connections that we try to create. Simple models are nice, yes, but not every situation is a simple system...

------------

Ok, I've tried to spin out some ideas, there. Now, I'll try to compact it into a short poem, perhaps, in the comments?

8 July 2016

 My comment from another post: (I thought it may be worth sharing)

(Issue 7). Talking about racism will be difficult.

I would like to think I'm not racist (or classist, or sexist...)

However, the behaviors are so ingrained into our culture, that there may be a lot of racist behaviors I'm unconsciously engaged in, because those behaviors are still perpetuated by mainstream society.

It will be tough, at times, to acknowledge, "yes, I do that..." And tougher still to ask, "what's the right alternative?"

However, we need to be actively engaged in changing our cultural conditionings at the individual level, and not expecting our government to dictate from on high how we should act.

Hopefully, if we can build momentum and consensus and majorities around new behaviors, then we will elect and appoint government that mirrors that...

But it's a very slow process, that can be easily derailed, especially if we come away with the impressions that our micro-changes are not working...

Still, we are our own governors, and if I can sleep well at night, knowing that I caused no harm today... It's a good day, for me? (Sounds hokey , though)

8 July 2016

 I was tempted to share this at the 5:30 meeting, but fear blocked me:

"I'm depressed, afraid, defeated. I don't know what I'll do for food tonight - maybe be a cannibal and eat a can of beans? ...or a 5-day expired blueberry muffin from work, because that's the last of the write-offs I have left to eat?

I don't know how I'll pay my rent and other essential bills, because my minimum wage job has cut back my hours.

I share this with the group, because at times, my higher power is being embedded in a community that has found answers to problems I still struggle with.

I might go without food tonight, I might be on the streets in a month... But I trust that it's more than likely temporary, as long as I try to be helpful to those around me, and willing to be vulnerable.

Still, I don't know if you want to call me destitute, or mentally unstable, or any other label before you're willing to help... But I'd be very grateful for some help today..."

7 July 2020

I still feel like my mind's lost in a wasteland.

Even though a couple of people have called, even though I've hung out with the house mates, Even though I went to a couple of AA meetings...

It's little cuts that add up to bleeding out.

Do I list them all, and offend people for calling them out? That's the reaction that's happened in the past.

Do I tune them out, with radio and youtube and other distractions? It's ok while it's going on, but then I try to fall asleep. Still, the radio can help with sleep - if it's the right mix of songs...

If I get around people, virtually or in person, my mood picks up; yet if I'm back by myself - the chaos commences.

Then, there's thinking I'm behaving and doing things right, and I'm not getting a cookie (a reward)... Like, I try to do right and the world's falling apart around us ...and nobody ever wanted to be right, to begin with?

[ yay, vague post.]

----------------

it could be that I'm just in a lot of physical body pain, and my mind doesn't like it.

7 July 2020

 What event(s) in your past are significant to you, and why?

They could be either personal event(s) where you played a major role; or cultural events in the world at large. However, they must be events that have happened within your lifetime.

(Trying a different direction than the commonly seen "favorite movie", "favorite song" posts - although those could count as events)

1Tammy Curry

6 July 2009

 just finished reading "One" by Richard and Leslie Bach. "It's stirred up some thoughts around the reality of consciousness, and the illusion that we believe we are islands to ourselves... even if it was a little hokey in the beginning...

"

6 July 2020

 My brain's still in a rough processing cycle. It's revolving around communication, interests, relationships, commitments, and how all that feeds into sexual attractions...

(Or, at least, that's what residuals are stewing. I probably need to reread the long post from yesterday and maybe attempt to organize it into a better presentation. Yet, I'm never a big fan of getting into revision loops; and I have several other projects that want to be done...)

5 July 2012

 I'm reminded of a reading a month ago, that, paraphrased, said,

"American men are taught by their culture not to ask for help, because it's a sign of weakness..."

4 July 2017

I want to shower, but I'm worried it might get bloody...

Not sure if the two stitches on the scalp, from yesterday's surgery might come open.

...if you're surprised, i'd encourage you to call more often.

Oh, and:

Happy 4th!

(Volcanoes are cool fireworks)

4 July 2017

 I can't get to sleep... plagued by self-pity:

"Nobody gives a rat's ass about me!"

"Nobody ever calls...(Not even family)"

"I could just disappear, and they wouldn't notice for weeks, months, maybe years..."

I have some health issues cropping up - today I had a cyst cut out of my scalp, my feet have some weird rash that's not getting better with the doctor's ointment, and my doctor wants me to get a colonoscopy because of some recurring rectal bleeding.

I do have to give a shout out to Cody and Pascal for offering to get me to an out-of-town doctor for the colonoscopy, because my ACA insurance plan doesn't have any in-network specialists in Austin. (I still need to coordinate scheduling the appointment, though)

I'm in limbo with my finances. I'm waiting on more hours from both jobs. I think my credit cards are overdrawn. I do have some extra months paid on the health insurance and the phone service, though. Still, I'm trying to juggle paying for food and paying for rent; and I'm not doing a good job in either arena.

My life line these last couple of years has been board games and role playing games. They give my mind challenges to work through, and there's some social interactions, and they take my mind off of my real-world problems for a couple of hours.

I don't have a clear picture of what my writing goals are. I'd like to assemble a poem for each day of the year, but I'm not sure I want to sift through the pile of rough drafts that I have.

I feel like quite the pariah and outcast in Alcoholics Anonymous; and, ironically, I'm 12 years sober. I've reached out about it, in the past, here and elsewhere; and I usually get chided for being too much of an introvert, or not taking enough action... At this point, I feel like I'm just plodding through, trying to make three meetings a week to meet my sober house's requirements.

One of my fears is to die alone and neglected. ...and yet, I do enjoy large chunks of my time, "doing my own thing".