20 August 2012

A little bit of sleep, and a little bit of spending money makes me feel a little bit serene.

20 August 2012

 Sooo... I got to wondering...

Why do many people prefer to focus on the negative or the differences they encounter?

(see comments)

20 August 2016

Always enjoyed using my 4-color pens while tutoring... one color for the bare bones math calculations, two colors or more in the graphs, one color for explanatory reminders when the student would look over the work later at home...

20 August 2019

 ..a long string of almost words... (snipped from Kimm’s status update)

Recalling one director’s documentary on their relative with Alzheimer’s... and the babbling brook that they muttered, late in the disease...

Recalling my anger, my friends’ anger, even stranger anger - all trying to latch on to some travesty in our society, and I wonder, “is that some defense, some blame game, to avoid taking s hard look at ourselves?”

Recalling surrealism and post-modern magic, where the word strings become art and the art laughs heartily at the world and everyone trying to make sense out of it all...

But, in the end, it all feels like a wobbly Tower of Babel. The confusion, the hustle, the inconclusive...

Would that I had sanctuary, a quiet place from all this alien... would that I did not feel compelled to be understand...

Would that I could sit by your side, in a beautiful reality where we could contemplate... where we could piece the jigsaw of life together again... cooperatively or individually, as times would allow - without this imperious urge to compete so violently, just to be heard

20 August 2020

 Am I not worthy of love?

20 August 2020

 Am I expecting a particular outcome?

19 August 2018

 My general conclusion, right now, is that very few people care about me. I really don't know how poorly that sits with me, but it doesn't make me comfortable.

- I did try to avoid a blanket all-or-nothing statement,

- I also made a pass at exploring my emotions,

- I have tried discussing my current difficulties with some others, outside of Facebook,

- Yet, I may have let anger loose after the 5:30 AA meeting

= I wanted, but perhaps did not need, to let out some of the steam I have towards AA around these issues.

Yet, again...

- Facebook posting, though it hits a larger audience, is the megaphone shouting in the dinner party...

- and, letting anger take over could be manufacturing unneeded misery and drama

- and, if I keep crying wolf, no one wants to be there when the pack arrives.

So fucking tired of this mockery of a life I've gotten trapped in. Where is the epitomal needle upon my camel's back? ...and will it break my back, or get me moving out of the sun?

So fucking tired...

19 August 2020

 Another day where I feel like running into traffic, or diving off of an overpass...

Right now, I recognize all that as my brain trying to escape from uncomfortable feelings. Yet... “Daaaaammmnn, Brain! Why ya gotta be so mean..?!?”

‘Don’t bother me, Pinky... I’m cogitating on how to escape the rat race...’ -

19 August 2020

 I'm trying to dig myself a pit, filled with self-pity...

I started over-explaining on that, but that might water down the idea.

18 August 2010

 wonders if it's time to go weeding his wall, and nixing old notes, all in an attempt to "create a better first impression" here on Facebook..

18 August 2012

 Just passed the old 7-Eleven, and the McClane's grocery truck was parked outside...

Two thoughts:

1) it's 2 a.m. Man, I feel sorry for the night shift...

2) boy, am I glad that I don't have to work trick nights, now...

18 August 2012

 Sooo... I post a lot of stuff to Facebook, but, honestly what I'm not sharing is...

18 August 2012

 iTunes is cool and all...

...but it would be a lot cooler if it played albums in the order they were arranged.

Abbey Road just ain't the same when on shuffle.

18 August 2014

 Some times I find myself donning the nosy relative hat, and commenting, "You're smart, You're beautiful, and you have a great personality - so why are you still single?"

Then, I remember that you, like me, may well be quite comfortable with living by ourselves...

18 August 2014

 Also, on the way home, the thought crept into my mind, "How can I end my suffering(s)? How!?"

Strange physical body pains throughout my body, pangs of loneliness, financial insecurities... Yeah...

I guess Buddhism has some merits, for a release from suffering. Oh, there's also getting a better job, and maybe finding my better fitting career. Unfortunately, suicidal thoughts can sneak in, too, when the pain feels acutely so...

18 August 2014

 Meh.

Maybe what I need is an awesome massage, gratis...

18 August 2017

 Still trying to figure out "our issue with symbols"...

Should I be offended when someone burns a US flag? ...what if it were another country's flag?

Should I respect that some people do not want to be reminded of the past, embodied in public Confederate statues (or statues of Stalin, or...)?

Should I not get angry, when gangs leave their tags, as that's just them exercising their freedom of speech?

Should I not get angry when others activate an individual's triggers by their "artistic expression"?

I do not have answers for you. However, be careful of the idolatry you give to these public places and symbols, for they are all impermanent and subject to change.

I am reminded of Ozymandius' two pillars in the sand...

17 August 2010

 Sunset after a Texas thunderstorm - the world sure was an interesting shade of orange..

16 August 2019

 Danger: all or nothing statement

“Nobody wants to hear every detail of another person’s life. For one, we are all trying to juggle our individual lives, making it difficult to pack two lives of details into our one life that we live.

For two, most people desire entertainment, yet avoid sadness and strife. So, most people do not enjoy the helplessness created when faced with life situations that they can not directly manage and control.”

(Feels like manic bouncing, a bit. Spewing ideas at the wall, hoping something sticks or clicks...)

(Why broadcast the negatives; when that rarely generates responses? Well, if the point of conversation is to resolve issues, are the broadcasts creating conversation? <no>

(If, on the other hand, speech and conversation are simply bridges for uncovering shared experiences, then being vocal about negatives may provide the light for someone else to say “me, too”...)

Why must I broadcast whatever I would like to share? ...and how much is lost in translation, or via medium...

16 August 2020

 I said, “no writing”...

Yet, I still want to ask for attention. I want proof that I am valued by the people in my life.

I want more conversations and less dissertations. The world news is fucking horrible, sliding into abominable - I get it...

Everyone’s nerves have been frayed into billions of nano-fibers. People are snapping all over each other, as chaos rolls wildly through society...

But... that’s a “dissertation”, right? Me, trying to present an expert opinion without solid research facts / making broad generalizations on only a handful of incidents...

Please! Tell us what you ate for dinner! Tell us about the hobbies keeping your mind curious and collected! Share some great personal stories from both your near and distant past!

...and help us understand how we can better help you reach your personal goals.

Kick the soapbox out, from under my feet, that I may do the same. That I may get honest with you, especially in-person, or on the phone (and hopefully with less use of social media); and that you may get honest with the people you care about (I do hope that I am in that group!)...

We can.

We can better take care of this world.

We can better take care, if we take time to care for each other...

16 August 2020

 I keep trying to convince myself that I am entirely to blame for my loneliness. It makes me devalue my worth, it makes me avoid blaming friends and family for any kind of self-centeredness...

I want to scream across my media channels how unfair it feels, yet I suspect my media channels have become quite defunct - quite possibly due to too many past screams. ...and there, I try to take on the blame again...

I'm not integrated into people's lives. I'm not a vital part of most people's activities. I'm just drowning in the ocean, and there's not a boat to be found nearby - much less a life preserver.

There's this theme: nobody wants to hear what I have to say, because I say too much.

...and so, I want to unplug. I want to just focus on what's in front of me, only. Yet I really do care about my friends and family. Perhaps I care too much, that I want to respect their privacy, and not interfere with them, when they're not in the room... (and even when they are in the room)

and there I go again, trying to put all the blame on my shoulders, leaving no fault for others.

Like I always have to be the first to call,

I always have to start the conversations,

I always have to be willing to step away if I'm not wanted or welcome (even if just momentarily)

I really do want to unplug, though.

I really don't want to find myself worrying about people who aren't interacting with me

-- yet I wonder if that's a dangerous game, considering how strongly people want their convictions and expectations supported.

Is it too much to unplug, and deactivate?

Would I be crippling myself by abandoning all things electronic - or even just the less efficient things?

I never wanted to be chained to a phone, or chained to a computer - yet, by some strange twist of fate - "HERE WE ARE..."

and the fear, I guess, is, "if i unplug and deactivate, how then will I be able to keep up with the people I care about?"

I said, "no writing" yesterday, yet I'm writing again - limited communications options, see? I'm going to try to stop writing again, because "I fucking hate Facebook's style of discourse!"

I'm trying to unplug,

yet I'm also holding on to ten years of history, in case it could be put to good use...

and I'm also barely holding on to my contacts here - in case that's the only way that a friend can reach me...

I'm tired of talking in monologues. I'm tired of 3-minute shares. I'm soooo tired of people trying to make big points in a hollow medium....

(...and I kick myself, because I still ended up on the computer, because I'd rather engage in solitary pursuits - like reading, drawing, or watching tv.... "Hey, Youtube!" )

Oh, I'm really tired of asking a question online or by text and never getting an answer - that kind of feels like bad disrespect, there. Yet, not every question deserves an answer, I guess...

At least we're not trying to use smoke signals or morse code to communicate. ...and, yeah, I think everyones' circles of confidantes are really disintegrating down to whoever's "in the room" with them, right now - we're all little castaways on our home islands.

15 August 2016

 Very little interest in Facebook lately..... Except I keep checking it every day.

Wonder what I'm expecting, but not getting...

15 August 2019

I do not know what status update has value. It’s akin to my writing components’ writer’s block...

15 August 2020

"I want more attention, from more people."

yeah.

I think it really boils down to that...

Pre-pandemic, I was fairly active with meetups, and tutoring and AA meetings - so probably seeing about 25 people, each day, in different contexts...

Now, I'm lucky to see 2 room mates in person, and possibly 15 people in zoom meetings. (as an average - some days are worse, some are better)

Add to that: I slashed through my phone contacts and Facebook friends, to try to have more relevant contact possibilities, instead of: "Hi, I'm cold-calling you, because I have your number from an AA meeting that happened 10 years ago" or "your content on Facebook really does sit well with the interests I'd like to follow.

-----------------------

One solution, which I think many have done:

Dive head first into streaming TV, and binge all sorts of shows that I didn't watch when I was rarely around TV. It could be educational... It could also foster the fake History Channel, or the Soap Opera Queen personality - where I begin to believe that the news and shows portrayed on TV are reflections of mainstream society or possibly just reflections of fringe society.

If my attention is on the shows, then my attention is not as aware of your lack of attention.

-------------------------

Another solution:

Throw caution to the wind, and get out and about in the pandemic. I wonder if there's an attitude in this one of "We're all going to die anyway, so why prolong it?" or "The facts and figures are being distorted, and corona is not as bad as everyone thinks."

There's also some element of "selectively demasking" - where we build a multi-household group of people who don't wear masks around each other, and yet we assume that everyone is religiously wearing masks around strangers. It is risky, though - because it hinges on everyone being safe, at all times, outside of the trusted group.

----------------------------

Still, I think there is some loss of connections. A lot of the gathering style socializations cut through the work of keeping up mulitiple text streams and phone calls and social media posts and more. "going to a party is easier than going door-to-door" I imagine that many people, having lost their live gatherings, started friending en masse on social media... that or they already had 1500 friends.

I started seeing phone calls and texts from people I had previously only known through organizations (and I sent some of my own)... In a sense, I think some of us reshuffling our conversation channels - since we can't go meet someone in person, then we'll start up a text exchange, or emails, or even facetime.

I still think that there is more work now to be able to maintain the level and diversity of social contacts that I had before. Is it possible better information is getting conveyed? i don't know.

Yet, I still crave more attention (or just human contact, if I start binging media)

14 August 2010

 Went to bed this morning at 9, and woke up at 1 this afternoon. Now, the bed is calling me back, hopefully for a cool dream..

14 August 2011

 Thoughts spawned by insomnia: "The majority's school experience can be so foreign compared to one's type of personality leading to that one's overwhelming frustration and most probable failure."

14 August 2018

 Broad sweeping dating generalization that over-simplifies, yet...

“As men grow older, they move from wanting to be alone to wanting company. Do women move in the opposite direction, as they age?”

14 August 2019

 trying to wrap my feelings up, for some pity party...

i do not know triggers are at work.

...i feel like crap, and i do not relish trudging onward.

14 August 2020

 I have this frustration boiling and bubbling under my conscious awareness.

It's probably highly connected to all the anxiety out in current society, and a fear of facing that alone...

Or losing friends who did not want to reach out - and end up doing dangerous things, instead.

it could be the classic "mid-life crisis"; where I feel like I've fallen short of so many of my expectations for my life, mostly fed to me by my society's culture(s). Things like "I should be married, I should have a great career, I should have my own car and my own house, I should have a decent retirement fund, ..."

Honestly, I don't know why I would want those expectations in my life, considering how doom sayers that the world is livable for one or two more human generations, at best (due to our own fumbling about as a species)... I really wonder if we should have a child, just to tell them, "you're about to inherit a shithole!"

Part of me is worried, as societal institutions are crumbling about us, about what our marginalized classes will start to do, as their lives become more and more desperate. This week, we saw a guy chunking topo chicos at all the windows in a a local market. We have tent camps popping up all over town. Do I have to be a lot more vigilant when walking around town, because everyone's anxiety is skyrocketing?

I've been through at least 4 major mental health crises (those were the ones I was hospitalized for)... I know how unhinged my mind became at those times from high anxiety, and how my morality just crumbled while I chased at flimsy ideas. So, I project that onto people out there, losing their minds... and I become fearful of what they might do.

So, under a silghtly less calm demeanor, my brain is in a lot of chaos. It does not like these times. It does not want to have to suffer through them.

...and, yet, here we are.

1Sarah Beth

13 August 2010

I can see the cycle in action, this third time around: I want more game neighbors/allies, and yet I don't want the associated app crap (requests) that comes with them. Of course, three months later, I'll probably be fed up with most of the games I currently play, and wind up deleting them (both games and gaming friends).

13 August 2019

 If I'm not engaged in an activity, it's really easy to nod off in a sleepy daze. My doctor suspects sleep apnea, yet my insurance does not wish to pay for the recommended tests.

13 August 2020

 After "falling apart on Facebook" on last night, I was left with a strong thought that I'm just an imposter in AA - that I really shouldn't be investing my time in it, like I have been. I had the recurring thought:

"I should just exit AA on my birthday' (29 August)

... because I no longer receive from it, and I no longer feel like what I give is welcome.

---------------

I don't know yet if that's a firm conviction, or just some flimsy cry for attention. I don't even know if I really want or could handle the attention.

13 August 2020

 I will be going to physical therapy at 2 p.m. on Friday, 21 August.

I’m curious if anyone would like to join me in ordering takeout from Conan’s Pizza or Tuk tuk (both near Stassney and menchaca); and meeting at Garrison Park to have a sort of “local restaurant picnic”, from 11-noonish (or possibly 1)

You could also do other local restaurants, if you want...

12 August 2019

 i do not know who i am willing to interact with, from the comfort of my home. it feels like i have built up this life where i opt to wander the world, alone.

there are these nagging fears of rejection and delay, like the act of reaching out is interfering with others' lives and plans... possibly fueled by my own desire to have a predictable schedule, in my own life. (also, there have been times where i went to visit others, and i got turned away at the door)

so much of my life is built up around work and interest groups and events - with so little left for spontaneous play. organized play, yes... but not just deciding to have a change of plans.

i would like a female partner, partly for the deeper physical intimacy with another human being; but also for the company and a different perspective on things... honestly, I just want to feel safe and secure that I can express myself through touch. So much fear is built up in me over "shaming" - the delusion that nobody wants to be touched, because nobody trusts that it won't turn into a harmful touch... (and this paragraph probably spins out into pages and pages of monologues...)

i beat myself up because my under-employment keeps me from effectively stepping into a provider role, both for myself and for others. I want to believe that I am capable of earning so much more, yet past experiences make me believe that I can not effectively deal with the higher stress that accompanies higher paychecks.

So often, I forget about all the insidious ways that my bipolar illness manifests in my life. Like riding a manic high, I overlook how alienating I can become when I think that "I have all the answers". I forgot how quick my body is to remind me to either go into overdrive or go into total shutdown; if my stressors become overwhelming. (New Guild, '98: staring out at the trees from our attic room, and imagining so many skull silhouettes staring back... - weird aside / might be workable into another draft?)

a pressure to "fight for what I want", yet i am not a fighter. the last thing that I want to do is harm another person. however, i do not like misguided ideas, either... so, i get passive-aggressive and sharpen my humor; or frame my criticisms in indirect language. back to the pressure - i do not want to intervene, if i see someone else harming another... so being a rescue boyfriend would not suit me well? Still, there's this current in society, the champion archetype, that tells us to defend and promote what we like, usually to the detriment of everything we do not like. We have to be allies and we have to "punch Nazis" or "criminalize abortions" or .... any of 1000 causes that make us believe we are improving lives...

The antithesis of the champion archetype, would be the "live and let live" view, where everyone can do whatever they want, so long as they cause no harm...?

rough drafting.... not sure how clear that picture is, yet...

i do not want to take the action to talk with you, directly. i would rather write, for my own clarification, and leave another text wall for all of you to ponder. i wish i was more willing to talk with each of you, directly. i wish I did not throw up 101 excuses on why the conversation(s) would devolve into wasted time(s).

I wish you all well, in your individual lives. Perhaps one day, we will have more shared experiences.

12 August 2019

 A lot of the time, my present moments are fairly enjoyable. Yet, Fear preys upon future-tripping.... or past regrets....

11 August 2009

 "19 years living in Austin, and I've picked up a touch of the slacker ethic..."

11 August 2017

 Hospital fees and abject poverty may be derailing next week's colonoscopy...

11 August 2019

 today, I spent the day at board game bash, playing a variety of games. I spent more money than I was planning around, on hotel food and a good flea market find....

Being broke until Friday is stirring up my fears and resentments. Which I don't like having to try to deflate....

I have non-perishable food in the pantry, I'm caught up on my essential bills...

i'm also reminded of how impermanent our connections with each other can be. i want to rail against my perceptions of the world, i want to drop my tact and troll away... i want to scream at both the positive vibes and the negative vibes...

i don't understand what's going on, in my head. the wise thing would be to attempt to fall asleep, and push "all of that" back outside of my hula hoop. so, that's what i will attempt...

11 August 2020

 How can I be useful, today?

Would anyone appreciate a phone conversation with me?

10 August 2010

 Got several things to do on the "to do" list,

but I'm just not sure what I want to do.

Sooo... procrastinator's pause, as I post pictures found on Facebook?

10 August 2012

 I'm imagining a picture: A person holding a pack of cigarettes up to their temple, possibly with cigarettes coming out the other side of the head, like bullets.

I'm also reminded of a picture while back, where a man was chained to the ground, and he was standing on the word "addiction" where the chains were anchored.

10 August 2019

 A desire to post something positive and uplifting, yet I keep getting dragged back into awareness of my pain and suffering.

I see a world falling apart around me, as people struggle to make ends, sometimes in two or more jobs. The news tells me of violence, near and abroad, and my first reaction is to curl up in a virtual fetal position.... i want to block out everyone's anger and frustrations. I don't want to see you all suffer.

Yet, I also do not want you to lie to me with forced gratitudes or gas=lighting denials.

I should just shut up, and attempt to get some sleep. I would like to wish for a saner world. Yet, caught up in this feedback loop where your pain reminds me of my pain, and my pain steals bits and pieces of my serenity. signing off for the night...

10 August 2020

 I am currently single. I am also interested in dating women, who are also currently single...

Now, how would such dating happen, during lockdown? Are there any ladies that I know, who would be interested in writing and receiving letters, real or electronic?

9 August 2012

 My mind's playing a sneaky trick:

"If you buy a pack today, and make sure you don't smoke after midnight, then you could have a cool quit date of 8/10/12."

Aaaaaarrrgh!!!

9 August 2012

 You know...? 42 in binary is 101010.

Kind of cool, IMHO

9 August 2012

 For a few years now, I've toyed with the idea of an elemental ring around my left ankle...

9 August 2012

 "Loving Kindness" Meditation Mantra:

"Let us be happy,

Let us be peaceful,

Let us be free from suffering,

Let us be full of loving kindness."

9 August 2020

 The topic was “acceptance is the answer” (pg. 417, BB, 4th ed)

I began thinking about the unrealistic expectations that I’ve put on peoples’ communications with me - especially by phone or by internet. Maybe a like or a love reaction is used just as I use them: “I enjoy this post, but I don’t think I have time to respond to it... or I’ll just up-vote it...”

Ultimately, why do I expect several long conversations per day from a host of friends? What planted that seed in my brain and allowed it to grow?

I thought about how little I communicate back... and my poorly synchronized intimacy levels within the audiences I address. Is it possible that people are afraid to reach out, because I have public disclosures or public vulnerability? I.e., they don’t know if sensitive information can be trusted with me, because of the length and frequency of my posts. ...or they have little to no uncertainty about my life, because it’s ALL already posted online. Am I really that transparent, though - do you really KNOW ALL ABOUT ME? (Maybe disclosing lots in one arena allows me to keep silent in another - like a conversational cloaking device.)

So, ruminating on all this, and considering my recent actions (deleting lots of contacts, unfriending half my Facebook friends, restricting my phone access, abandoning past groups and activities...) -

I feel like I’m withdrawing from a past life... getting still and silent, that I may find the future path(s) before me... trying to decide what I do want to nurture and grow into and what I need to leave behind...

There’s been this feeling for 8 years that I am an outside, that I’m not considered alcoholic enough - or active enough - to be trying to gain the trust of other alcoholics. I just don’t seem to give off the right type of insanity, to have addicts and alcoholics open up with me. (I stay in lecture mode, instead of narrative mode..?)

So, as I spin out from that orbit, I feel that the AA program can provide me some tools for mitigating life’s troubles; but I doubt that it can provide me the connections or friendships that I seek - at least, if I keep on acting, as I have over the last 15 years. So, it steadily loses importance in my mind... and places me on a path of wanderlust, to abandon those groups...

...and, yet...? Where would I go instead? How can I add dimensions to my life that allow me to meet fast friends?

As I’ve been single for all but a few months of my life, as I’ve been cocooned in co-ops and group homes for most of my adult life, I really can’t fathom the challenges - the struggles and inspirations - lying ahead, to try mingling in society. I don’t relish the thought of how my actions and energy are to be allocated... it seems like an impenetrable maze, and I no longer can smell the cheese.

I’m probably becoming maudlin and dramatic, at this point - it’s part of my monologue style.

I want to believe that I see things clearly; yet I doubt that I currently do. Is it worth then, to accept false beliefs?

8 August 2010

 heard an interesting talk about boredom and dealing with the typical today. Sure, it would be nice to live a life of graduations, but I think learning how to accept and embrace waiting periods is a much better goal..?

8 August 2013

 A couple of shares, and a couple of likes... my self-control was waning a wee bit tonight...

btw, it's 3 weeks 'til my natal birthday.

I'm wondering if I should post a birthday wish list here on Facebook - or, like most birthdays I see here, will I just get a flurry of "happy birthday" wishes, and nothing else..? meh

8 August 2017

 Having a rough morning, trying to get to sleep...

So, I post on Facebook, instead of reaching out to individuals, because I trust a blanket broadcast more than a one-on-one conversation. (I can see the nay-sayers posting their replies now...) [Are there some sort of pride issues under that, too...?]

Yet, I also hold back on what my mind's telling me to post, because I feel those posts are fueled by anger and frustration; and I suspect they're attempts to take an audience hostage, to try to pull support from others, based in their own fears... but I don't want to get into nitty gritty details of that scenario...

It's the same old refrain - "I feel so alone, such lack of support, such poverty." I don't want to try to predict what you'll say in retort. I would rather see what's said, to see if I can respond.

And yet... I do want to focus:

- I do know there's people out there who enjoy my posts, my company...

- I suspect I'm not the only one who rarely, if ever, gets a personal phone call or visit. Creditors? Yeah, sure! ...but folks would rather text or facebook or email or wait to the next meetup... (than call)

- There's this feeling that everyone has to be self-sufficient, carrying their own weight, supported by their careers...

- ...yet, I see, time and time again, arguments that a person can NOT meet their basic needs on minimum wage jobs

- ...and, unfortunately, most of my jobs have been really close to minimum wage - so, I've had to struggle all of my adult life.

- Now, some would prod me into thinking I'm quite capable of landing a much better career... thus far, my attempts to keep such careers have landed in abyssmal meltdowns ("Thanks, bipolar!")

- I can hear the camp saying, "Debtor's Anonymous"!

- and, I can see my AA sponsor chiding me again for using Facebook to vent... and I'm responding, in my mind, "This is my starting point for those inventories where I'm not concerned about 'the other people' I'm admitting to..."

- I think I'd rather see lots of feedback, than put all of my faith in one person's opinions

- any way, getting tired of bullets. Simply, I'm getting tired of struggling to pay my bills, because my income doesn't seem to cover my expenses. What can I do to keep my head above water, or make it to shore?