For the next week, I'm relying on my food pantry, and neighborhood food pantries, in order to be fed.
Part of me wants to finally settle down, and see if I can salvage anything usable from the wilted greens, and get to work pickling the various other veggies. I'm leaning towards some sort of grilled veggies mix.
Another part of me doesn't know if I have the energy to spend 1-2 hours in the kitchen, right now; pulling it all together. It's the part that just wants to crawl back under the bed covers again, feeling so defeated by this week, and so afraid that my future budget won't ever be able to recover.
I guess the second option is better than facing that nagging voice in my head that tells me I'm an ill-equipped failure, unable to deal effectively with society's struggles on the path to success. It wants to remind me, painfully, how I've lived like a poor college student since 1990, how I never can get my debts under control, how I can't save for retirement or even entertainment without seriously jeopardizing my essential expenses like food, housing, and medical care.
It's the part that constantly chastises me when I realize that I can't follow through with even simple commitments. It's the anxiety, gripping at my chest, trying to tighten up my heart to the inevitable point of a stroke or heart attack.
It measures me against everyone I see, and against what I've been told to expect; and finds all sorts of ways that I don't measure up... some times, painfully echoed in the criticisms, or even just the avoidances, brought on by the people around me.
Now, that I've had my little scream, I'm going to try to nap for an hour. Hopefully, that'll reset me enough to get to work on those wilted greens...