I want to post something, because I don't want to call anyone.
...so, there's a desire to talk with anyone, to try to hash out my current fears and frustrations - to attempt to be vulnerable?
...but there's also a filter telling me not to bother anyone at odd hours of the night, not to bother people who I don't normally interact with... basically, some weird polite/paranoid filter, I guess.
I'm really tired of "trying to figure out this life stuff", all on my own. I'm tired of not seeing a support network that I can lean in to. I'm tired of being pushed towards therapists - it's the modern age version of "locking undesirables up in asylums".
I'm sick that I still want to use the "angry white guy" reflex... so many people tell us it's inherently unhealthy for society.
(...and, with me all along, the thought, "Why not end it all?"... because I've been worn out by years of pain and struggle, even if a good bit of it is self-inflicted.)
My paranoid self thinks all this is mute, because no one wants to listen or reply. It tries to convince me that most people have written me off as worthless. It builds its case on the absence of prior contacts, or even the broken promises to stay in touch. It feeds on false expectations of how we're supposed to interact, made all the more false as the digital age mutates communication standards...
I don't know. I'm writing conjectures and such, because I don't know how to connect.