so, i'm dissatisfied with the last 24 hours. I wish there had been more company about - most of the time was either spent tutoring or doing stuff by myself.
maybe, it's that I wanted to learn something new, and feel some intellectual stimulation? Like.. why is tutoring not enough to fill the company void? why is reading, whether online or in paper, or even TV shows - why do they not fill the need (to be honest, I did not try much of media, today)
perhaps, meditation could do the trick, too?
i wonder if this is still not 100% accurate. Maybe the unmet need is to feel valued in others' eyes - to have some type of validation outside of myself that I'm actually being useful in society. (even if that society would just be a nuclear family of my own)
If I'm forced to seek solutions (like our society tries to imprint on all men), there's the resounding cry to be of service and/or contact: - to structure the day so that some of my activities include and value others. "it's not enough to vainly hope that others will come to me"
Yet, that "insert yourself into others' lives" strategy seems to be at direct odds with the "respect our privacy" current. In one example, I do not want to compliment women because I don't want to be accused of harassment - providing unwanted attention. Another example would be to "not call after 2 a.m., because most people would like to sleep then"
So, I often talk myself out of attempting to contact and include others; because I have a lot of fear around upsetting or annoying them.
Even the simple events of trying to organize meetups, or offer movie passes, or suggest going to dinner - more often than not, they turn into abyssmal failures where nobody joins in. (If other people create events, there's great turnout - I just seem to have the black thumb of event fizzles)
Perhaps there's some weird conditioning, back in my past, that's created this craving for company. Perhaps, I'm just living under past expectations of how to conduct my day.
it still leaves me restless on many a night... feeling unfulfilled... and ultimately questioning my existence.