16 June 2019

 I look at all the bits of my brain,

Scattered like a 5000 piece jigsaw -

Can not even comprehend

How to Humpty Dumpty them...

can not

make sense, si, naught...

bad bit down, drawn

pensieve thread

jangled memories,

confused thoughts,

betrayed trusts

this virtual blood!

"Out, damn Spot! Out..."

Or do I quote the King,

and give homage to that role I played,

transposed in time?

Or, do I let the dog leave the house?

16 Dec 2018

I see both a mania and a depression bubbling to the surface of my consciousness...

and I see the (possibly environmental) triggers, aggravated as hell, with no "easy solutions"...

...and rational Bean is screaming in terrified agony at how helpless he feels, at how much damage is building upon the horizon, at how "life is heading straight down the toilet, AGAIN..."

...and so, the suicidal thoughts start to crowd in, and so the desire to escape or run away pulls at me, and so the urge to drown out my sorrows in addictive behaviors around food, sex, gambling, and drugs come rushing in -- Just throwing distractions at my life, while my mind crumbles and caves in, which is really just expressing the mania..?

...the frantic racing to find some easy solution, the grasping at straws in the hopes that one will give me breathing room, again. Yet, as the neurons burn themselves to ashes - *SNaP* - and now the brain wants to turn away from the world, to rest and recover and try to regain strength. Unfortunately, it's still burning away, obsessing over the problems, even as I cower under the bed covers.

Looking for excuses, for explanations, for escapes - some sort of hope that it could all be fixed away. Looking for some sort of support, as my world crumbles away. But, there is no easy solution presenting, "No fucking manifestation of my desires"...

Hoping the switch doesn't flip, where, instead, I look for oblivion. 

16 Dec 2018

 courtesy of my dad's joke files:

-----

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

15 Dec 2009

 Ah, me! I'm blowing out yellowish snot from my left nostril... methinks an infection has invaded my inhaler... (grrrr.. :$ ) [...and I can imagine some of you out there saying, "TMI!!"]

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15 Dec 2017

 ote: I consider myself "un-dateable" because:

1) My income's been so pitifully poor for my adult life, that I can't "treat myself to special events", much less anyone else - like a live arts show, or a dinner, or other costly outings (guess it's time to think outside the box)

2) I'm not very physicallyattractive - dough boy body - and I'm not terribly interested in spending time on diet and exercise to become so

3) After the various harassment incidents in the news, since the 1980's, I'm very hesitant to try to initiate dates with women. There's this message I picked up from the media, "don't bother us women with your various advances because we're getting far too many of them from boys in general" (I note that, as a man, I do not sense advances towards me from women for an overwhelming majority of my time) ...so, I'd rather put the ball back in the women's court to start up dating. (Unfortunately, women are very wary of initiating any advances, due to repeated burns by bad men in their past) <this is my perspective, mind you, and not a formal psych study>

4) Most of the women I've been interested in, have been work associates or church or AA or social groups - so... there's another hesitation about trying to date in those spheres, in case the relationship gets awkward and disrupts the group in which we know each other. I've broken this rule a couple of times, with the corresponding disastrous results when the relationship got awkward. (I've also attempted online dating, but that's led to some strange stories of it's own. I will not repeat them on Facebook.)

5) I also don't think I fit the media's portrayal of the All-American Guy that everyone wants to be around. I'm not athletic, extroverted, decisive, handy, touchy-feely (see 3 for why) etc etc... (I am fairly intelligent, and playful around friends, and...????)

Might be able to flesh this out more, if I thought more about it... but I'll stop on that. (cross-posting to my timeline)

15 Dec 2018

 Wanderlust ...

15 Dec 2018

I think me, personally, eating poorly, for the last couple of days, has me craving Whataburger... or maybe Appleby's...

Yet, I think I just get out of the house; and yet... I do not want to do the big social gathering, today. (I'm pretty tapped out by crowds, following a large game night, last night.)

15 Dec 2020

 If you can not honor your word with your actions, then why would I place my confidence with you? I do not enjoy doubting and deceptions.

15 Dec 2020

I’m wide awake at 1:14 a.m.

I’m also angry.

;

15 Dec 2020

 “Why do I feel abandoned and isolated?”

Can that break down to types of interactions that appear to be missing in my life? Maybe they’re being sent along the wrong communication channels - not to disparage the Facebook like, or anything...

I recall asking for praise a couple of days ago, to help build myself up - and not a one had registered in my memory... if they were even provided.

I worry that my past self-pity posts have put me on a Facebook watch list - like the AI is sending the post to a anonymous moderator before it gets put into my friends feeds

Outside of the computer, I’m not used to using the phone. Life’s great if I have a couple of friends that I can regularly be around. Life gets miserable if I’m separated from that small company. Is that an extrovert after all? I don’t know. Or is that my small town heritage?

Slowly venting off steam....

going back to lunch.

15 Dec 2020

 I don't like how I'm feeling about myself, tonight.

I really don't like how that projected out into (mostly inner) criticism of my friends.

(Like, I don't want to believe that I am entirely to blame for my mistakes, this week, this month, this fall... Yet, I don't want to voice any criticisms - mostly because they are not being requested.)

Maybe, I'll attempt a gratitude list, after a shower? ...or maybe I'll take the time to review class notes, so that I'm better prepared for tutoring, tomorrow?

10 people I'm grateful for, this pandemic: (not tagging)

Teresa, Jimmy, Theresa, Bert, Tiffany,

Jack, Emily, Deryl, Alicia, Jeff...

but there's many more: Dad, Shawn, Nora, Alice, Emily, Mary, Jeff, Marilyn, Muse, Nancy, Carolyn, Jessica, ...

No, it's not an exhaustive list of names, by any means. It reminds me that so many people are still interacting with me, even when we're isolated. It reminds me how powerful a community can be, and how even small actions can create lasting impacts.

I apologize if I have been mean and hurtful to anyone, by way of my comments or actions. I would like to take suggestions as to what the damages have been, and what actions could repair them. Because some situations might be sensitive, I would prefer communications by DM or phone calls, rather than by comments, here.

Maybe it's an attempt to better express how I'm feeling that would work. Yet, please understand, that I do have feelings, and they do not always make rational sense (or seem connected to current events).

I'm still in a lot of pain from feelings of failure, this week. I would still appreciate being reminded how you do NOT think I'm a failure, if that be the case.

14 Dec 2010

 The Facebook games lost their appeal. The spam-orific onslaught of gaming allies' pleas just got ooooold... Realized I was wasting my time trying to track people who I only vaguely know, too.

Thus, after about two hours of work, my friends' list has been slashed in half, and my app authorizations have been trimmed down.

Congratulations! You made the cut...

Describing others? 14 Dec 2010

 "-1: yep. you're less than zero... mysterious, too, as it took the Greeks forever to come to grips with you." (had to throw in a number joke, just for fun...?)

6969: I haven't forgotten about you - I'd just like to poke around your profile to get to know you a little better. My plan is to poke, tomorrow afternoon, and then post what I can.

14 Dec 2013

 Looked over the Christmas cards at Walgreen's, and only a couple jumped out as Jody-caliber... Maybe...

I'm going to go downtown on Monday, if Emerald's is still around, to see if they (or maybe Whole Foods) have any cards that can give me a good belly laugh.

Yes, I really do spend hours searching for Christmas cards...

14 Dec 2018

I find my mind in a really dark place, this morning.

"It's like I have the Cacas Touch - everything I touch turns to shit. Honestly, I can't seem to "get it together", to actually succeed at life, for a change..."

...perhaps fueled by being isolated from my family, in the current times of need and times of joy. Seeing the family game night posted, this week, (with me absent) is like a rusty nail, pounded into my heart...

In some twisted concept of being helpful, my mind thinks, "Perhaps I could go somewhere, where they could end my life, painlessly and peacefully; and then harvest my organs to help those who could better use them." I'm reminded of the blank spot, when under anasthesia, during last year's colonoscopy...

"You could just send the cremated ashes and any proceeds generated to help work down my debt, and hopefully help out my family."

(There was a more sinister variety of this particular morbidity, earlier this year, when I wondered how easy it would be to track down a snuff film, in production, on "the dark web". Not that I'm aware of any connections I might have to that, but... similar sentiments of "just process my body, like a cow, and be done with it.)

-------------

I can not see the hope and joy, in my life, right now. It's not that it's not there - it's just that I'm in this ever-constricting tunnel vision that's focusing in on the pain and isolation and immobility and fucking oubliette that I'm walling myself into.

It's an intense anxiety that has me afraid to get out of bed - it took me half an hour of paralyzed crying there to muster the courage to write this... afraid to get out and do positive things, because I'm not certain that I won't instead do something incredibly stupid. "oh, sure. 512-472-HELP" ...but I'm so tired of "being processed by our mental health care system"...

I can not see the help being offered, if it's even there. ...and I try to step past the very real boundaries and limits that keep that help healthy, if those are there.

now, i'm just rambling and making excuses, and trying to "dull the blade"... I keep piling more poo upon the pile.

because i want to talk myself out of the pity pot I'm in? because I want to lash out, instead of trying to run away?

i don't know. i really don't know.

when i turn to face reality, I hate the grotesque mask of fantasy that peers back at me...

14 Dec 2018

 Stealing this from David Jackson:

HOW TO BE UNHAPPY - BY EMMET FOX

Sit down quietly where you are not likely to be disturbed. Relax the body - and begin to think about yourself. Every time your thought wander to something higher, bring it back gently but relentlessly.

Think about the past. Think over all the mistakes you have made, going right back to childhood. Think over all the opportunities you have missed and the time you have wasted. Especially think of all the occasions upon which you have been badly treated.

Think about your body and wonder if your age or your job or the climate isn't beginning to tell. See if you cannot discover a pain or an ache somewhere.

Think about finances and if they are going well now, insist that this is probably too good to last.

In any case, think about yourself, that is the main point, and if you will keep this up faithfully for fifteen or twenty minutes, there can be no doubt about the result.

"Seest thou a man wise in his own conceit? There is more hope of a fool than of him." (Proverbs 26:12)

14 Dec 2019

 When I’m wallowing in my pity pot, it’s really difficult to bring back to consciousness the better times of a few hours, weeks, or years ago. I just latch on to the idea that I’m invisible, ignored, and disrespected...

...which does bring to mind some concrete examples of “where I’m at fault” / “where I’m not living up to another’s expectations”

...or, in the AA context, brings to mind inventory items

But, I also don’t think of completely healthy amends, either. Some times, my desires are at odds with “what society desires”... but more often than not, I still opt for the latter; even if it kills a part of my soul.

Yes, I am rambling aloud, to the air, while waiting, alone, at the bus stop. It might have some vagueness and/or drama sprinkled in the above

13 Dec 2009

 spent the afternoon moving to the room upstairs, so he's pretty tuckered out. I still have to print off some forms for the IRS job, but, true to my procrastination streak, I'm going to catnap for four hours then print them out. (Gives me two to four hours to fill them out before I have to go to turn them in - plenty of time, right??

)

13 Dec 2018

It's like I'm not one of the main actors in anyone's movie, but my own...

just a character sketch brought in for comic reflief, or perhaps tragic effect...

Do I have any visible development, which others can easily see? ...or am I some strange "man of mystery"...?

13 Dec 2018

Gods! I'm in a funk, this morning... "Ozymandius Syndrome", perhaps?

The ennui is thick, the pointlessness is all around. ...and the blame is getting thrown around like an abandoned doll caught up in a cat 5 hurricane....

13 Dec 2018

 an ounce of prevention, right...?

...sure, eating healthy and exercising and reducing stress now help lay the foundations for reducing serious health complications down the road....

...but why does a "Healthy lifestyle" have to cost more than an unhealthy one?

...and why does healthcare have to cost so much to begin with?

12 Dec 2017

 Not sure if a video would work better, or be seen... or a late night phone call.

A strong desire to jump into traffic today. My finances are laughably abysmal. My relationships..? Confusing.

My complaints pile up in my mind, and I retreat from constructive solutions...

I hear past advice from friends and family, far in the background. Heard, but afraid to follow.

Charging forward on this self-destructive path, because...? A short-term pleasure by eating out outweighs the long-term “slow and steady”. Valuing time with acquaintances and chasing that social life like a rabid wombat - instead of seeking more substantial employment, because..?

I am afraid to be alone? I am afraid to fade away, forgotten?

I am afraid I can not survive (or thrive) on my own resources...

I am afraid I’ve fallen on the wrong side of the class wars, that I will starve to death, shivering in the cold of the streets - because the people in this world in power are blind to the plight of the poor masses. ...and I choke on their poisoned air, as the kook-aid is forced into my gut.

I’m afraid of being poor, in so many forms, and I dismay that I can not change these stars.

So, in utter defeat, I squander what I do have, turning a blind eye to mortality; ever thinking, “the present moment is enough.”

I’m ashamed that I find myself hoping for the bombs to fall upon America, that this life could be vaporized in a flash. I’m ashamed that I would kill myself without hesitation, if I thought the method had no chance for survival.

I’m ashamed that I no longer feel that I can survive (or thrive) in this world, and that I now just make feeble motions, as if I want to live.

There’s hope - there’s a tear upon my cheek...

I did not intend for this note, to twist and turn, as it did.

It’s another primal scream; another pitiful “Fuck You!” Shouted at the empty dark. ...another feeble cry for help, because “I just can’t, any more.”

Now, I’ll sleep restlessly for four hours, then plod my way through tutoring students for finals.

12 Dec 2017

“DECEMBER 12

God gave us memory that

we might have roses in

December.

— James M. Barrie

Do you remember what it was like to not have sobriety? Remember the shame? Remember the loneliness? Remember lying and wishing you could stop? Remember the powerlessness?

Do you remember, also, how it felt when you began to believe you had an illness? Your shame was lifted.

Remember what it was like to look around at your meeting and know you belonged? Your loneliness was lifted.

Remember when your family started to trust you again? Your dishonesty had been lifted.

Sobriety gives us many roses. Our memory will help to keep them fresh.

————————-

Prayer for the Day

Higher Power, never let me forget what it was like. Why? Because I'm only one drink or pill away from losing You.

Action for the Day

I'll find a friend I trust. I'll tell that person what my life was like before sobriety. I'll also talk about how I got sober.”

—————-

(Similarly with other illnesses...?)

12 Dec 2018

 In my present moment, I sit awake at my laptop, in my bathrobe, trying to cool my room down, to be able to sleep better tonight.

In your present moment, you might be reading this, and maybe wondering why I'm writing it...?

There's a whiner in my mind, who feels that the isolation and separation in my life... are aging me, hurting me, causing mental duress? Perhaps that's more of an observation, than a whine, as I do not claim it's your fault, or my fault, or society's fault, or lay any blame, really..

I note that, as long as I am content, I am happy with isolation and solo expeditions and self-sufficiency. The rub, though, is that I am not always content with my own company, or, more to the point, with my own limited resources.

So, I cry out, in the middle of the night, begging the void to have someone take care of me, again, like in my childhood.

I fear not death, but anonymity - I do not want to be written off as some hack character who knew some math and played some games. I do not want to be invisible... but, then, I also fear the spotlight - I do not want the stink of celebrity.

Maybe, I want to be praised for my humility... or my attempts to cause no harm. Maybe I do not want to be the brash boy, barreling around the china shop, shattering lives that I touch. Or that "Alpha Male" personality, "taking charge of situations" and "forging my future", for I forsake that as an unhealthy mode of living that needs to be adjusted in modern society, and soon...

KIng... warrior... wizard... and what else? Cookie cutter roles, pointing at how we mold ourselves to follow our myths. Each generation digests the myths, and sucks the marrow from the fables' bones, to rebuild the myth with their added insights; and pass it all on, to the rest of sentience... Yet, it is not enough to box this into religion, or philosophy; for science and psychology could well be refinements of those disciplines.

We stand upon the shoulders of our ancestors. We see how they fail, and how they succeed, and then... "Monkey do, Monkey See" ...yet, not all things are causally collected, or even correlated... our fallacy may be to think that something works or is there, when the opposite is true.

Alone, though, I simply wither, like a flower kept in the basement. Very little makes its way into the model, by which I see the world and operate. I become a brackish stagnant, and not a still water, running deep. I get twisted up by the flaws, falsely appearing real.

Dying of heartbreak, a curmudgeon yelling at the kids, "Get off of my lawn!"

Unfortunately, stuck in the dark, I can not simply "ask for a solution". I may not even realize that there is a problem. I just barrel around, and ... "I write long monologues"... "I face indecision, not knowing, what can be accomplished, in this present moment, this "Wednesday, 3 a.m."

11 Dec 2009

finally harvested his trees and animals in Farmville (no special eggs) after "The great Re-organization/Decoration of Dec'09"... 'I decided it's too much of pain to maximize crop space because the game only gives you enough free fuel to do one mechanized action on a 12X12 plowed plot, and I was getting weary of the repetitive point-clicks with the 22X22'

11 Dec 2009

 *shucks* Christmas in Dallas is looking remote at best. Guess I'll be hobnobbing with the friends of Bill...

11 Dec 2010

 You've probably seen this elsewhere in the feed...

Send me a message, with a number from 1 to 1000, and I will post a status addressed to that number, detailing my thoughts and impressions about you...

...hopefully, my critical side will be on holiday...

11 Dec 2011

 I'm grateful that I have a good education, good friends, and good health.

I'm also grateful that I have a job, a place to live, and more freedom than most - but it's easy for me to criticize these because they fall short of my expectations...

( A lot of the time, after the fact, I find that I hate my pessimistic turns - oh, the irony of that! )

May this winter find us all comfortable with where we're at, and who we are, and blessed by unexpected good events!

11 Dec 2016

 I wonder if we'd see any outrage over a non-White Satan...?

11 Dec 2019

 I’m in a horrible mood, this Wednesday morning. I feel very disconnected from the holidays...

11 Dec 2020

 I think I’ll weather through tonight...

But I need a quiet place to stay, with wi-if, for the weekend, at least. Trying to get some work and training done, online... and I have a very noisy house mate

11 Dec 2020

 I decided to drop out of the NAMI Facilitator training about 2 hours into the 3-day course, tonight. I’m hoping I can use the weekend to push through my grading backlog; and maybe finish that on an ok note.

I might be able to try the training again, in a month. It is a volunteer commitment, so I think there’s less consequences? (Volunteer labor)

I still feel even more disappointed in myself, now, as compared to last night (the “crap...” post). I might be able to benefit from some praise, if anyone can think of some I deserve.

10 Dec 2009

 is trying to boil his thoughts down into a status update, but the conclusions elude him. It's time to journal, or - God forbid! - take some inventory. "Feeling frustrated, I am, I am.." (shared with RL list of friends)

10 Dec 2009

is currently focusing his app play to Castle Age, Mafia Wars, Farmville, and Mobsters 2. Other apps still kept active, but may not be "cultivated" regularly. (shared with gaming buddies list of friends)

10 Dec 2009

has plans forming to be in the D/FW Metroplex visiting family in Garland over the holidays - just need to work out how I'm getting up there and back. (shared with Wylie alum list of friends + John B.)

10 Dec 2009

 eat, shave, shower, go to WT, return home to change clothes and then off to points in North Austin (worksource, ACC?, followed by 64th anniversary thingy), get home before I turn into a pumpkin... guess that's the plans for the day?

10 Dec 2011

Money's tight this week.. Month.. Year - and that can be a trigger for my mental unrest.

I'm not looking forward to yet another Christmas where I can't afford any gifts, another week when I can't go to the movies, or even eat regularly...

Grrrrr.. Insert primal scream of frustration here -> 8.-O

9 Dec 2009

 does not feel blessed today by the Muse in charge of wit.. maybe I need to go invest in a bezoar and take a trip to Greece?

9 Dec 2009

thinks the blahs are using his brain as a bowling ball, and sending it straight to the gutter with every bowl - now, what am I trying to say again?!? ...and what would the pins be? (Unachieved goals, hopes, and desires, perhaps...) Methinks it's time to go to bed...

9 Dec 2010

lone wolf? hermit? curmudgeon? self-centered? introvert? scout? ...afraid of the 10 ton telephone?

I don't know. I think the attitude of "I'll just keep to myself" is dangerous, if not deadly. A couple of experiences Monday night seem appropriate...

9 Dec 2010

 I need to log off the computer.. I'm driving myself crazy trying to think of a positive status update.

9 Dec 2011

 I don't want to post a negative status update, but I'm having a devil of a time thinking of a positive one...

"God(s)? Can you add some abundance to my life?"

...going to sleep now, hoping for interesting dreams...

9 Dec 2011

 Only got 2 hours of sleep, then I snapped awake, like a rubber band... I'm going to try to get another hour in now, and maybe two hours later tonight, before going to work...

Tonight's going to be an energy drink night, fo' sho'

9 Dec 2016

So, Neil Young's got a new album out...

I can just imagine 2016 hiding in the shadows, saying, "Let me feast upon his bones!!!"

yay, 11111100000

9 Dec 2017

 If anyone would be willing, I could use a bus ride to and/or from the Greyhound station, on Christmas weekend. Leaving Saturday lunchtime, returning Tuesday evening.

Thanks in advance!

9 Dec 2020

 It’s now 9 dec 2020, just past midnight. Well, in Austin Tx at least...

Is that important to anyone? Maybe the folks who were born on this day.

{ Oh yeah, I need to craft a gift for one of them - I was thinking of turning a hardcover book into a doodle book / scrap book / coupon book... (well, starting it, at least; and hoping it will be shared forward) }

I feel really defeated and just want to curl up and die...

did you hear the rumor that I started crying uncontrollably while reading the 9th Step promises at an AA meeting? Well, it’s true. All their grand varieties of peace and serenity seem so distant from my life, right now. My unmanageability feels ... well, “ unmanageable “

I feel horribly unattractive... ignored... invisible... despised.

Some would rather have their cigarettes out in the alley, then spend time, inside, with me - and that is addiction at its finest.

I could be a snob, and claim there’s better organizations that I could associate with. I could turn my back on those who only turn to me when they need me. It’s classic elitism, there.

I could lower my standards to better fit in, instead of trying to get others to raise theirs : like the smart date playing dumb... or embracing hedonism because morality stifles. Ultimately, that’s not being true to myself.

I have to accept that my personal code of conduct and collection of interests does not always intersect well with majority opinions. Some times, I have to own and take some pride in my weirdness, for perhaps it might brighten another’s day.

Yet, “fear of the pariah”, I still want to die... because I believe I live an invalidated life. Nobody wants what I have; as it doesn’t synch up well with the ideals they’re fed.

Honestly - that’s just a bunch of hypothesizing. I can not claim any truth to it.

I am afraid of living more years ahead, alone. I want a partner who I could explore physical intimacy with. I want companion(s) to share the world’s activities with. I want a community where I feel safe and secure being true to myself and my interests, who both share similar ideas and yet respect the diversity in differences in ideas.

I fear this world; because everyone is trying to be right... and we’ve adopted dangerous tactics to shame others into thinking they’re wrong.

Maybe that’s the start of a soap box. I don’t know.

I do not like being outside the campfire, left to fend for myself among the beasts of the night. Strange analogy? I do not like that I’m alone and probably irreversibly so, because I did not spend any significant time dating before age 45.

I look at my “accomplishments” and I despair. There’s that insidious voice, with me over the last 22 years: ‘Give up your mortal coil, for others could prosper on the resources you’re wasting...’

I sink deep into pity, again and again. I hope, by broadcasting my struggle, that maybe somebody might see value where I do not and lift me out of this jagged cutting heap of shattered goals and dreams. I hop, by giving it a voice, that my misery will it be with me, as I try to sleep, tonight. I scream because I have yet to learn how to live. Even if I were to live, I still die because I can not thrive.

Yet, it is just a spiritual death. My body keeps shambling along, while my mind keeps chasing distractions. Who would want to connect with a man who’s lost his soul?