Not sure if a video would work better, or be seen... or a late night phone call.
A strong desire to jump into traffic today. My finances are laughably abysmal. My relationships..? Confusing.
My complaints pile up in my mind, and I retreat from constructive solutions...
I hear past advice from friends and family, far in the background. Heard, but afraid to follow.
Charging forward on this self-destructive path, because...? A short-term pleasure by eating out outweighs the long-term “slow and steady”. Valuing time with acquaintances and chasing that social life like a rabid wombat - instead of seeking more substantial employment, because..?
I am afraid to be alone? I am afraid to fade away, forgotten?
I am afraid I can not survive (or thrive) on my own resources...
I am afraid I’ve fallen on the wrong side of the class wars, that I will starve to death, shivering in the cold of the streets - because the people in this world in power are blind to the plight of the poor masses. ...and I choke on their poisoned air, as the kook-aid is forced into my gut.
I’m afraid of being poor, in so many forms, and I dismay that I can not change these stars.
So, in utter defeat, I squander what I do have, turning a blind eye to mortality; ever thinking, “the present moment is enough.”
I’m ashamed that I find myself hoping for the bombs to fall upon America, that this life could be vaporized in a flash. I’m ashamed that I would kill myself without hesitation, if I thought the method had no chance for survival.
I’m ashamed that I no longer feel that I can survive (or thrive) in this world, and that I now just make feeble motions, as if I want to live.
There’s hope - there’s a tear upon my cheek...
I did not intend for this note, to twist and turn, as it did.
It’s another primal scream; another pitiful “Fuck You!” Shouted at the empty dark. ...another feeble cry for help, because “I just can’t, any more.”
Now, I’ll sleep restlessly for four hours, then plod my way through tutoring students for finals.
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