12 Dec 2018

 In my present moment, I sit awake at my laptop, in my bathrobe, trying to cool my room down, to be able to sleep better tonight.

In your present moment, you might be reading this, and maybe wondering why I'm writing it...?

There's a whiner in my mind, who feels that the isolation and separation in my life... are aging me, hurting me, causing mental duress? Perhaps that's more of an observation, than a whine, as I do not claim it's your fault, or my fault, or society's fault, or lay any blame, really..

I note that, as long as I am content, I am happy with isolation and solo expeditions and self-sufficiency. The rub, though, is that I am not always content with my own company, or, more to the point, with my own limited resources.

So, I cry out, in the middle of the night, begging the void to have someone take care of me, again, like in my childhood.

I fear not death, but anonymity - I do not want to be written off as some hack character who knew some math and played some games. I do not want to be invisible... but, then, I also fear the spotlight - I do not want the stink of celebrity.

Maybe, I want to be praised for my humility... or my attempts to cause no harm. Maybe I do not want to be the brash boy, barreling around the china shop, shattering lives that I touch. Or that "Alpha Male" personality, "taking charge of situations" and "forging my future", for I forsake that as an unhealthy mode of living that needs to be adjusted in modern society, and soon...

KIng... warrior... wizard... and what else? Cookie cutter roles, pointing at how we mold ourselves to follow our myths. Each generation digests the myths, and sucks the marrow from the fables' bones, to rebuild the myth with their added insights; and pass it all on, to the rest of sentience... Yet, it is not enough to box this into religion, or philosophy; for science and psychology could well be refinements of those disciplines.

We stand upon the shoulders of our ancestors. We see how they fail, and how they succeed, and then... "Monkey do, Monkey See" ...yet, not all things are causally collected, or even correlated... our fallacy may be to think that something works or is there, when the opposite is true.

Alone, though, I simply wither, like a flower kept in the basement. Very little makes its way into the model, by which I see the world and operate. I become a brackish stagnant, and not a still water, running deep. I get twisted up by the flaws, falsely appearing real.

Dying of heartbreak, a curmudgeon yelling at the kids, "Get off of my lawn!"

Unfortunately, stuck in the dark, I can not simply "ask for a solution". I may not even realize that there is a problem. I just barrel around, and ... "I write long monologues"... "I face indecision, not knowing, what can be accomplished, in this present moment, this "Wednesday, 3 a.m."