I see both a mania and a depression bubbling to the surface of my consciousness...
and I see the (possibly environmental) triggers, aggravated as hell, with no "easy solutions"...
...and rational Bean is screaming in terrified agony at how helpless he feels, at how much damage is building upon the horizon, at how "life is heading straight down the toilet, AGAIN..."
...and so, the suicidal thoughts start to crowd in, and so the desire to escape or run away pulls at me, and so the urge to drown out my sorrows in addictive behaviors around food, sex, gambling, and drugs come rushing in -- Just throwing distractions at my life, while my mind crumbles and caves in, which is really just expressing the mania..?
...the frantic racing to find some easy solution, the grasping at straws in the hopes that one will give me breathing room, again. Yet, as the neurons burn themselves to ashes - *SNaP* - and now the brain wants to turn away from the world, to rest and recover and try to regain strength. Unfortunately, it's still burning away, obsessing over the problems, even as I cower under the bed covers.
Looking for excuses, for explanations, for escapes - some sort of hope that it could all be fixed away. Looking for some sort of support, as my world crumbles away. But, there is no easy solution presenting, "No fucking manifestation of my desires"...
Hoping the switch doesn't flip, where, instead, I look for oblivion.
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