15 Dec 2020

 I don't like how I'm feeling about myself, tonight.

I really don't like how that projected out into (mostly inner) criticism of my friends.

(Like, I don't want to believe that I am entirely to blame for my mistakes, this week, this month, this fall... Yet, I don't want to voice any criticisms - mostly because they are not being requested.)

Maybe, I'll attempt a gratitude list, after a shower? ...or maybe I'll take the time to review class notes, so that I'm better prepared for tutoring, tomorrow?

10 people I'm grateful for, this pandemic: (not tagging)

Teresa, Jimmy, Theresa, Bert, Tiffany,

Jack, Emily, Deryl, Alicia, Jeff...

but there's many more: Dad, Shawn, Nora, Alice, Emily, Mary, Jeff, Marilyn, Muse, Nancy, Carolyn, Jessica, ...

No, it's not an exhaustive list of names, by any means. It reminds me that so many people are still interacting with me, even when we're isolated. It reminds me how powerful a community can be, and how even small actions can create lasting impacts.

I apologize if I have been mean and hurtful to anyone, by way of my comments or actions. I would like to take suggestions as to what the damages have been, and what actions could repair them. Because some situations might be sensitive, I would prefer communications by DM or phone calls, rather than by comments, here.

Maybe it's an attempt to better express how I'm feeling that would work. Yet, please understand, that I do have feelings, and they do not always make rational sense (or seem connected to current events).

I'm still in a lot of pain from feelings of failure, this week. I would still appreciate being reminded how you do NOT think I'm a failure, if that be the case.