Ranting at midnight...

Ranting at midnight, about nothing in particular... I may think it's important while others write it off as "the rambling madman"

No focus. not even sure what's that little irritation in my brain. how i want people to call or visit more often. how i feel so horribly alone, unsupported, abandoned... of course, the advice will probably come back, "Get out and do stuff! Get engageged with your friends first!"

But... when you're depressed, it's so hard to leave the blanket fort.

trying not to get hung up about line breaks, topic breacks, punctuation, white space... all that attempts to organize what I'd rather just stream.

watching as friends disappear, i feel the hollow carved out of my soul, wondering what i might have done to help drive them away. then again, maybe they were doing stuff on their end that made them ashamed to continue our association - a drug or alcohol relapse comes to minnd

where am i finding my friends? some in recovery, with many of those based on very flimsy connections. some in gaming, which is good, because that is an interest of mine. then, my obsessive parts in my brain latch on to those activities, and try to fill my schedule with them. leaving me one-dimensional, because I'm not developing any of those other activities that I feel fulfilling. then again, it's hard to wrap my head around "doing more stuff" when so much stuff seems to cost money...

and frustrated I am that money is not mine to have. desire to find better work is out there, but obsessions leaves work search gathering dust on a back burner. so frustrated that I've pissed away great opportunities to become a better worker in many better positions.

ranting about me me me... maybe because it hurts so to follow the news. i'm one of those unfortunates who gets most of his current events via facebook - because i don't want to watch the cnn 24 hour marathons, or buy a paper, or even search the web... hell, most news is beyond my control, any way. I can rattle my saber, only to find out it's a butter knife.

I still feel alone. Cut off from the world, and written off as nobody. Writing in a vacuum, that sucks the life from my soul.

So, I trudge on. Some days, my mind is like a dungeon, beating my rationality senseless with it's depressive bludgeon.

doesn't feel like a great rant. perhaps that's how i know i'm depressed: I can't get my thoughts together.