a rant, for what it's worth....

I slept for three hours,
And now I'm awake again...

Living on ten dollars until Thursday,
Locked in this cycle
Of paycheck to paycheck,
Wishing I could see financial relief...

Creature comforts.

I'd like to see Dr. Strange,
To eat out more,
Or have good food to choose from
Instead of the bachelor's fridge...
To enjoy the arts?

Feeling this bare hole in my soul -
No companion to share my strife with,
Or my joys, or simply my time...

I did have an option tonight
To push my exhaustion
And go catch some improv with another -
Alas, my weary bones wanted relief.

It worries me that three hours was enough -
"I'm watching you, bipolar!"

...watching like a slow train wreck,
Tearing up sweet friendships
With poorly planned comments,
And my bizarre humor
Overlooked and mistaken...

...and I feel like some misshapen troll,
digging through the news feed,
hoping for some relief, some release,
Some escape from the chaos of my mind.

Maybe I need more books,
Or perhaps I need to create -
To toss my words
Upon a figurative fire,
And keep my monkeys placated...
Or, possibly, meditation would be best
To find a nugget of peace
In this maelstrom, inside and out?

Sitting at the computer, right now,
I hear the clock ticking,
The fridge humming,
And my radio in my room,
Softly playing classical.
Thankfully, the TV is silent
And the house mates are not up and about.
Solitude in the midnight hour.

I talk of the chaos in my mind,
But words can not describe it...?
For no words are coming quickly,
And I'm so slow to respond,
To form my thoughts into something I understand...

I want a safe space, amongst my friends -
A place that I can go
And say whatever I feel,
Without feeling threatened,
Or feeling like I'm threatening...

I want to go back to the 3rd grade playground,
Where we could pretend to be our D&D characters,
And not be concerned by the mocking of others.

I want to understand why
Those women are cutting me out of their lives,
When I thought I was connecting...
Am I too intense?
Do I obsess too much?
Am I fooling myself,
Thinking I'm independent
When I'm actually codependent?
Who do I remind them of,
That triggers that fear?

Do I end this rant here, tonight,
Or for this moment,
To refuel and recharge some more?