so... i vomit out all the bad stress in my life, and appear to be whining and complaining. I imagine some will then hide my posts or block me, because they don't want to see that stream of negativity.
I did get to enjoy a couple of good meals, today; and most of the tutoring was not difficult to explain, yet it still had nuances of challenge. I was rather upset that the student/tutor ratio was awfully high - not enough tutors to meet the students' demands...
I am rather concerned by my pseudo-narcolepsy... just nodding off to sleep at all times of the day, under all sorts of caffeine levels. It makes me suspect that I might be falling out of balance on vital minerals and nutrients - especially as that has happened in my past.
yet... the nihilistic ennui? yes, I could strive for a healthier, more balanced life, with lots of abundance. Yet, I suspect there is an extreme amount of stress to take on, to get there, especially as a single-income household. So, the thought of suicide tries to present itself as an attractive alternative to all of that stress.
This rat race - it's just so dehumanizing.... so unsatisfying. There has got to be a better model of society that would make lives pleasant for a much larger majority. How can we make this world a much better place for all who live on it?

I gave a presentation today, to about 30 fellow tutors, on trying to understand Number Sense shortcuts. People claim they thought everyone was interested through it all.
I feel that it ended up being incredibly disorganized, with poor notes to follow up on.
I feel a bit ashamed at how chaotic it was, like I was doing a horrible disservice to teaching, to The Number Sense contest, to my own abilities...
I guess I have to wait for the evaluations, yet it feels like “shades of 2003”, when I had a meltdown during student teaching.
The impending sense of doom, this week, gelled into very palpable, tangible doom.

Left to spend another night alone,
With aching back pains galore;
But not willing to dial the phone,
For fear of being a bore...
Not willing to accept calls, either -
I need my sleep, tonight.
already burned out, barely one week in?
(f*ing two-job society...)
(f*ing manic swings...)
Angry that the computer is not typing back,
I'm all up in arms and wanting to f* all this..
Maybe the irish had it best
With a good meal and a long nap?

I’ve been plagued by feelings of worthlessness, this week; brought on by little to no social contacts. I’ve been brought to tears, at least 4 times, over the last 48 hours.
A friend mentioned that I’m the only one who needs to value my life on a previous post; but to what end, if no one else cares to have me around? I imagine if I felt more self-reliant, than I wouldn’t care as much about being in a community...
As near as I can tell, I’m grieving the loss of absent friends..,? Or, I’m just stressed by a more demanding life? I don’t know... it’s got me flustered, though.

Tears came thrice, today;
Hot, intense tracks crossed my cheeks...
Yet, unknown - my pain....

Still screaming, my mind...
Despaired by this stressful life,
No exits - harsh lights.

This Is Just To Say
BY WILLIAM CARLOS WILLIAMS
I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox
and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast
Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

another moment of existential ennui..
My muscles and joints have been aching all night -
I cancelled plans to meet friends...
...which makes this a week of non-socialization?
I just want all the pining,
and all the pains
to evaporate?
No, I really just want
To sleep soundly,
In the hopes
That dreams can fix me?

it feels like my resolve ran out.
my mind just wants to rebel.
it's an ugly mixed episode feeling,
where I want to go manically spend;
yet there is no money,
and even walking around seems treacherous,
due to inclimate weather...
so, it's cabin fever?
perhaps a bit...
and the attempts to distract my mind,
and the hope to be distracted,
Just are not working:
So, suddenly it starts throwing suicidal ideas up -
Trying to tempt me to really give up...
part of me wants to throw up.
it's just an ugly evening,
a horrible reminder
that i don't feel comfortable yet,
especially in my own home;
but also in my current life choices.
the immediate irritants
could take me out?
in the middle of an insane desire
to have peace and comfort again,
...everything could be thrown away...
"such reckless abandon,
such unfeeling selfishness"
Again, I attempt to sleep it off,
to hope for more than an hour nap...

The frantic man
Screamed at the wall,
Hoping the silent bricks
Would sing sweet melodies
About how they all came together...
Alas!
The only voices heard, that night,
“We’re terrible whispers -
Drones deep inside your head;
Built out of your failures,
And cemented together
By your frenzied flights
In fancy and in ‘keeping busy’...”
A man can die
From only a dozen
Deadly bee stings -
He can also die
If he jumps, thinking,
“This time, I can fly!”

I felt so isolated today;
And, even now, I still feel that way...
It stirs up all sorts of fears...
...that I'll trip on my wanderlust,
And get horribly lost.
...or, thinking I will be alone forever,
I'll opt to opt out,
To end it all,
To avoid a prolonged misery of invisibility.
"Sorry, Dad, it's not a happy poem, yet..."
...just let me choke on my pride
and wallow in my piss pool of regrets..
Considering the isolating cause of my distress,
This IS my pitiful cry out for attention,
In the hopes that it will stave off my duress.
But I'll probably half-heartedly cry myself to sleep,
Shooting astral daggers at all, while I weep,
With the thoughts stirred up in my mind's dungeons,
"Fuck Facebook and all its false views of friendship..."

I am hitting that point of resistance.
I do not want to sit in my room, and draft up the presentation on number sense tricks. (procrastination in action)
I do not want to go stomping around in the wintry mix of weather, mostly because I can not think of a destination I want to go to, that I can currently afford.
I am not thrilled at the idea of calling people, or even online chats... partly because I can't think of anything that I would enjoy talking about?
the games on the phone... either played out for the day, or just so much grind fest.
I will probably ending up, lying down, with the radio playing, for a two hour nap. then i will be faced with restlessness at 8:30 pm.
sure...I could flesh out the various one-sentence paragraphs, but my manic mode wants to bounce instead of focus.

My non-specific request for a ride to AA, tonight:
1 - keep in mind that I live in SE Austin, near Bluff Springs and I-35
2 - I was hoping to attend an AA meeting, tonight...
3 - My preference would be for 1313, or the 5:30 12@12, but that’s not required...
4 - The skies have been slinging sleet and ice at us, today - not the best weather to walk, bike, or bus within...
Would anyone like to provide me a ride to and from an AA meeting, tonight? Best way to respond is probably through Facebook Messenger...

Acting from a position of power and security to cause duress and pain to those less fortunate spawns all sorts of abuses. It is at the heart of racism, sexism, classism, and various other ism's...
Yet, I get the impression that many people would discount my personal opinions about such behaviors, because I have never been on their receiving end of the ism abuses (at least, that's how they feel, from their perspective) (since, I am a white, middle-class male, native US, Christian citizen.)
Or... some people feel that because I'm in that position of power, I need to actively counter-act others' abuses by personally providing "favored treatment" to the affected populations. I have mixed opinions about this, but... "queue the 3 people at the fence, standing on different size blocks". To me, it really depends if those amends are helping to accommodate and heal the disability created by the ism, or if they are just trying to cover up continued abuses.
Unfortunately, though, even if I try actively to look beyond the protected characteristics, to try to be a better human... there are deeply seated behaviors in my interactions that still can get triggered. One thing that comes to mind is expressing my physical attraction (or the frustration created by not doing so)... Another I can think of is the difference in tutoring presentations depending on my first impressions of different students...There's probably some fear, too, built around living and walking around in barrios and how that can affect my interactions with strangers I pass on the street.
It's disheartening, really. I am taught by my culture, from an early age, unhealthy behaviors towards others. Even when I try to act against that grain, my little protest can easily be lost when others still see the "single, white man".

this is me,
trying to force out my writing...
i want to avoid
ruminating on the negatives;
i want to embrace
the beauty, the simple, the elegant...
will my mind cooperate?
not without many inner lashings and reprimands,..
you see..or, rather, let me explain...
it sees a problem to solve,
a thing creating disease --
and, focusing and magnifying on that -
all the butterflies and bees
are pushed aside with the flowers and trees...
to make room for nothing more than fleas.
I end up, picking at scabs
That have not an ounce of itchy pain,
IN some forlorn hope
That my skin will be smooth, again.
and... alas, infection is more likely.
noting, now, how negative this turned -
I refrain from banging my head upon the keyboard,
and crying, in desparation,
"Why, God? Why does it go down the drain?"
...yet i will not flush this post,
and I will probably never come back to revise it..
So, it will bleach into the white page,
Like some sort of dog scat,
Left to bake on a friendly Texas sidewalk.

Random strangers are starting to talk with me, during my daily travels. I try to be pleasant and attentive...
Although I do wonder what may be the sparks that lit up all this chit-chat...

May this be happy,
And may it be peaceful...
That the fury and futility subside;
In hopes that life becomes joyful.
It is hard to deny that the fears gnaw upon my bones;
And a challenge to spy gathered birds and bees, not alone.
I am grateful for...
Loving friends and family,
Relative peace in the city;
A cupboard that is not empty;
The company of pets
To bring me back to here and now...
I have some regrets,
Some words harshly spoken,
Lashing out at the world
When fear gripped my throat,
And made me weep for my uncertain future...
Yet, that fear...?
It's the fear of losing something we have, no?
Or is it karma's bitter reminder
That we will receive that which we have sewn?
I must try to sleep, now;
As an early morning approaches -
Beginning a new job,
And continuing an old one;
With the later evening spent
Over board games with friends.
May the sleep be restful,
May the dreams flow from the gate of truth,
And may tomorrow bring us all
Some small measure that life's joys
Are in our pudding's proof..?
Have I had enough meat, yet?

Still picking at a sore, here...
It is not so much the isolation
That comes from being alone,
But the abandonment
When the frenzy of former friendships fizzles,
And I become neglected and abandoned
Like a Jack-o-Lantern on Thanksgiving Day?
"oh, the old patterns! Oh, the old sayings!
Oh, the trouble of being inconvenienced..."
When no longer in fashion,
Must I adopt a new vogue?
Or become a two-bit character actor,
Playing to scripts unseen?

Words are like water,
Slipping through the chasms of my mind.
I want to make sense.
I want to be well understood.
It's a desire for connection,
Or perhaps respect due an elder.
And, yet, my mirror has been shattered,
And my feeble attempts to articulate
Are ending in grotesque tragedies
I flail at my circumstance,
Or I try to whip up
Some sympathetic frenzy
and paranoia tells me
that you hear me crying
too many wolves
...or that no one is left in this empty room.
every poem creates a sad water color
every post gets casually liked, then passed over
every meeting, i climb upon a soapbox
only to be shunned as a dirty heathen.
I float adrift, in this plastic choked sea
stripped of all the stories that lend identity.