it feels like my resolve ran out.
my mind just wants to rebel.
it's an ugly mixed episode feeling,
where I want to go manically spend;
yet there is no money,
and even walking around seems treacherous,
due to inclimate weather...
so, it's cabin fever?
perhaps a bit...
and the attempts to distract my mind,
and the hope to be distracted,
Just are not working:
So, suddenly it starts throwing suicidal ideas up -
Trying to tempt me to really give up...
part of me wants to throw up.
it's just an ugly evening,
a horrible reminder
that i don't feel comfortable yet,
especially in my own home;
but also in my current life choices.
the immediate irritants
could take me out?
in the middle of an insane desire
to have peace and comfort again,
...everything could be thrown away...
"such reckless abandon,
such unfeeling selfishness"
Again, I attempt to sleep it off,
to hope for more than an hour nap...