28 Feb 2019

 I keep rejecting things that I want to write; because a lonely heart d

28 Feb 2020

 The shadows in my mind refuse to be trapped and caged in understandable speech. With that ambiguity, they can harness the power of my fears, and leave me babbling in what might possibly the early stages of dementia. Oh, how I've tried to express the concerns to others, yet the oppressive silence that I receive back makes me question the very fabric of my reality.

"Am I making sense, or just written off as phantasmal nonsense?"

Would we understand the fears and anxiety better, if we moved their targets from inside my head onto some of the more heinous acts being committed in this modern world? ...or would you argue that such outward-directed hysteria might be explained as, or by clever gaslighting?

...and another consternation appears, torn from the pages of "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance": Would I let myself stay paralyzed by trying to make sweeping statements about the town's walls, when it would be far more useful to focus in on one brick?

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• Lisa Warfield Monk

  I still say take all these ponderings and put in a book format. Then get a marketer or editor to help you arrange it in a marketable format. It’s an opportunity to get some validation.

  You speak intimately and vulnerably, which is fabulous yet noneth… 

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  • Jody Bean

    Lisa Warfield Monk

     I have been trying to collect my various posts into my blog. Not always able to catch every day’s memories; because I can get too busy to check Facebook...

    

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  • Jody Bean

    Lisa Warfield Monk

     haven’t done much along the lines of publisher research yet - would probably try for an e-book, though

    

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  • Jody Bean

    Lisa Warfield Monk

     in any case, I appreciate your comments, they are motivational..

24 Feb 2013

 I wonder if people treat me poorly, because they don't think I'll try to retaliate..

23 Feb 2012

 “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

22 Feb 2020

 My inner child, my innocent self, and the person I would be if I were unencumbered...

whatever we call it - it's thoroughly bewildered by this "modern world" that it's having to navigate. I feel like a mechanical clock, or even a sundial, trying to keep up with all of the digital watches. My stories to live by have become so distorted, so polluted with garbage that I question if there ever was a fairytale ending.

and yet, i create more trash talk...

i'm suffocating under blankets of anxiety, and it feels like I'm dismissed as just a silly ghost.

i don't know how much of the above I really believe, and how much is me trying to play with words, hoping for some dramatic effect. i do feel out of place, in the present world, more often than not, though...

21 Feb 2018

 In 1982, I was in a bad car accident, where I wasn't wearing my seat belt. I hit the windshield fairly hard with my forehead - at least, hard enough to leave lots of tiny glass shards in my forehead that were dug out over the next six months.

I always have assumed that I came back to consciousness after that event... or after several other losses of consciousness that have happened since.

Still, a delusion, fueled by the various simulated reality stories put forward by the media: "Is it possible that I didn't regain consciousness? ...that I'm caught in some strange simulation, designed to keep my mind stimulated, while medical science is working to find a way to bring me back to health?"

21 Feb 2019

 I’ve been plagued by feelings of worthlessness, this week; brought on by little to no social contacts. I’ve been brought to tears, at least 4 times, over the last 48 hours.

A friend mentioned that I’m the only one who needs to value my life on a previous post; but to what end, if no one else cares to have me around? I imagine if I felt more self-reliant, than I wouldn’t care as much about being in a community...

As near as I can tell, I’m grieving the loss of absent friends..,? Or, I’m just stressed by a more demanding life? I don’t know... it’s got me flustered, though.

21 Feb 2020

 Part of me keeps trying to convince my saner, more rational parts that death would be such bittersweet relief. It's the part that gets irritated at the slightest discomforts, that feeds on annoyance and resentment...

I don't really want to die, though. A filter dropped at the noon meeting, and, if I had been allowed to share (another side resentment, there) - I think I would have shared about getting robbed at the 7-Eleven on an overnight shift (about 8-10 years ago?) at gunpoint. I followed the standard practice, and gave the guy the money in the register. Thankfully, with good cash drop practices, it was only about $30 that he got from my drawer.

That incident spun me out for a good 2 weeks, trying to think of ways that I could have fought, instead. So, it quickly turned into a resentment, dominating my thinking... basically until I found out that the serial robber had finally been caught, after robbing another 10-15 stores.

I have not shared much about this incident since - mostly because I was still in a lot or retail jobs, and I did not want to paint myself as "an easy mark".

Yet, when under real threat of pain or death, I did not joyfully run towards the possibility.

Still, I think there is a part of me that would really like a solid retreat or vacation... that would like to put the modern world on hold for a few weeks, just to disentangle myself from so many financial and physical discomforts. The possibility of a weekend trip came up for this weekend; but on such short notice, that I had already made solid work plans and could not easily cancel them.

There's a part of me that would love to go back to Shoal Creek or even ASH, just to have the epitomal "three hots and a cot" of the hospital environment. I don't think jail would be so great, though. I also hesitate at this strange plan, because I don't want to feel like I'm trapped in a confinement type of situation.

Basically: "Stop the World! I want to get off!" is the sentiment.

I feel so exhausted by living in this first-world hustle that we live in.

19 Feb 2020

 Note: I'm going to talk about some physical health issues, below.

On Sunday night, I woke up, almost puking. I'm thinking it was acid reflex, where it felt like there was bile in my throat. I had such little sleep that I could not stay awake on Monday, if I sat still too long...

I'm not sure how connected the two conditions are... I'm reminded that my doctor thinks that I might have sleep apnea - where I stop breathing in my sleep. That, in turn, can be worsened by being overweight...

I do know that it's been a fairly long time since the last dream that I remembered... and that being so exhausted that my body tries to nod off has been a symptom for years, now. When I worked for the IRS for a month, a large part of my decision to quit was fueled by these episodes of falling asleep, if not kept active.

So, I'm worried that today might be a rough patch, as I again had several moments, last night (Tuesday night) where I woke up, feeling the bile coming up the back of my throat. (Hence, not much deep sleep)

I am afraid of dying by choking on my own food, to some degree. I would really like to invest in the sleep apnea investigation procedures, to see if that can turn around these sleeping problems.

*** edit: I also notice that I have allergy symptoms, usually concurrent with high cedar or mold counts. So, I'm not able to breathe well, due to those, too...

*** another edit: I also have a fairly pronounced addiction to caffeine. sigh.

Thank you for taking the time to read my vent. I'm hoping there may be many kittens and tasty meals in your immediate Facebook feed future....