16 Feb 2020

 experiencing an anxiety like writer's block..?

that uncertainty about who the audience is, and what they would like to read...

it recalls university days, and being afraid to write a long paper analyzing Harlan Ellison's "Theme for English B" (which I might have just screwed up on the reference) [no, I am not currently crafting an elegant, well-researched document]

...analyzing the poem for an English professor in modern poetry.

but, here, now, this writer's block...

afraid, more and more with each post, to be vulnerable - to expose my fears and my uncertainties and my feelings... because I do not like to be torn apart by the wolves. Also, I do not consider how best to consider the comments - what is expected of me, in social media, in the pleasantries of the South...?

One careless slip of the tongue, and I'm licking my boots, again.

so, there's a part of me that just wants a silent audience... that wants to write, with the knowledge that this will be read; and the hope that the comments do not become attacks, (or perceived as attacks) on both sides of the conversation; because, I'm afraid of so many things

I'm afraid because I woke up an hour ago with a bad acid reflex, feeling the bile burning the back of my throat.

I'm afraid that our nation's politics do not "act in the interest of the greater good" (I don't want to be exploited)

Can I speak candidly about sex? I've seen people demonized around sex; so I sigh a long sigh, and (writer's block)

Is there still such a thing as discretion? Seeing some of the posts here, some of the ads on TV, some movies; and I wonder. Earlier, today, I wanted to comment how I feel that our current culture cultivates confrontation (thinking especially about reality TV and roasts?)

I do not claim to have a head full of answers. I know some interesting math facts, a little science, and not much else.

I would like to know more.... but I don't want to bury myself in books, just to be able to boast.

I'm afraid that I'm not enough. That my skill set, and my mental flaws, and my lack of physical training have created nothing more than a corporate drone, consigned to a life of minimum wage jobs, and stuck living in rented rooms.

That no lady would accept me as a viable partner, because I do not measure up to some societal standard(s) that she's carrying around with her. ....and, yes, I know, that I could date men, too; but my personal taste does not desire that.

I don't think my gender comes across as "alpha male".... not very dominant, and not very tied up in the stereotypes that get trotted out in the media. I start writing a list, and people shoot it down, but: "likes to watch sports, likes to work with his hands (cars, construction), has a short temper, ..." (who knows, maybe there's a list built by folks in gender studies about activities commonly associated to just men or just women)

I'm hoping the bile has settled enough now, that I can sleep. I know that I wrote another text wall, and I probably didn't say much that's interesting... but if you've read this far, thank you for taking the time to hear me out, as I babble at the computer...