21 Feb 2020

 Part of me keeps trying to convince my saner, more rational parts that death would be such bittersweet relief. It's the part that gets irritated at the slightest discomforts, that feeds on annoyance and resentment...

I don't really want to die, though. A filter dropped at the noon meeting, and, if I had been allowed to share (another side resentment, there) - I think I would have shared about getting robbed at the 7-Eleven on an overnight shift (about 8-10 years ago?) at gunpoint. I followed the standard practice, and gave the guy the money in the register. Thankfully, with good cash drop practices, it was only about $30 that he got from my drawer.

That incident spun me out for a good 2 weeks, trying to think of ways that I could have fought, instead. So, it quickly turned into a resentment, dominating my thinking... basically until I found out that the serial robber had finally been caught, after robbing another 10-15 stores.

I have not shared much about this incident since - mostly because I was still in a lot or retail jobs, and I did not want to paint myself as "an easy mark".

Yet, when under real threat of pain or death, I did not joyfully run towards the possibility.

Still, I think there is a part of me that would really like a solid retreat or vacation... that would like to put the modern world on hold for a few weeks, just to disentangle myself from so many financial and physical discomforts. The possibility of a weekend trip came up for this weekend; but on such short notice, that I had already made solid work plans and could not easily cancel them.

There's a part of me that would love to go back to Shoal Creek or even ASH, just to have the epitomal "three hots and a cot" of the hospital environment. I don't think jail would be so great, though. I also hesitate at this strange plan, because I don't want to feel like I'm trapped in a confinement type of situation.

Basically: "Stop the World! I want to get off!" is the sentiment.

I feel so exhausted by living in this first-world hustle that we live in.