15 Oct 2019

 All I wanted was a coke...

It was about 5 a.m., Saturday morning, and I woke up with a dry cotton mouth. Turning on the light for the stairs, I made my way downstairs to the kitchen, and opened the mini fridge. I grabbed a red can, and poured about half of it into my bedroom mug. Taking a sip, to work off some of the foam -

"What the fuck?!" I thought, at the weird taste; which was definitely not coke. I looked at the can...

Budweiser.

"Yep, that's red, too."

...and now the twist... I thought, "I've poured half of it in my cup already. It's not my beer, it's one of the room mates - and I don't want it to go to waste..." So, I poured the rest of it in my mug, and headed back upstairs, and proceeded to sip on it over the next hour, while updating my phone game apps. (I put the empty can outside in the recycling trash, which was basically hiding the evidence.)

With a very light buzz, I went back to sleep, and actually slept better than most nights over the last 6 months.

Then I got up and went to the noon AA meeting. I thought quite a lot through the meeting about getting a desire chip; but I was a little afraid ("too shy"..?) of how some of the oldtimers would react.

To be honest, I also thought that one beer was not an "impressive relapse"... like I didn't get to the "Mr. Gregarious" phase of past drunken nights. I even saw my rationalizing mind fighting the idea of resetting my sobriety date on 12 October or Columbus Day (although that would sync up nicely with my nicotine free date of 12 September)

I thought it curious that the guy who did get a desire chip on Saturday was also named Joseph.

Sunday found me at the 5:30, similarly conflicted; and yesterday found me at the noon meeting, again - both times my magnifying mind was trying to predict how people would react.

For what it's worth, Facebook has been a fair launching point for my troubles over the last few years. I like being able to hash out my thoughts, and organize on the fly - where I don't get the performance anxiety that I tend to get, when speaking in front of crowds.

So,1 beer intentionally drunk on last Saturday; and I find myself conflicted over the last days.

Will that be the last drink? I don't know.

Do I want to stay active in AA? I don't know.

...but I don't want to stay silent about Saturday for months on end, trying to deceive myself that it was not a relapse, even if it did not have a lot of consequences.. yet...

(So, instead I vague book about being stuck at a crossroads)