"scary changes" (P.o.t.D. 12/23/16)

Change is a challenge:

To give up old behaviors
And trudge forth through the unknown...

Let's walk away,
Slodging through valleys of fear,
leaving this humble hilltop
to try to climb mountains

we don't want to give up
simple, some times flawed
strategies of survival,
when the new paths
could be a stumble
as well as a soar...

I didn't stop drinking,
until it stopped working.

I couldn't stop smoking
until i got free
of its physical addiction barbs:
"I'll just have one more cigarette..."

some fear of failure, too -
"why apply to jobs,
just to get rejection letters?"

ah, yes... fear of failure -
the procrastinator's nightmare,
for i want to perfect
on the first attempt, every time...

true story - i attempted 10 writing components,
all failed or dropped -
i thought because of writer's block...
but perhaps because I was out of my depth -
"you see? because I wrote reams,
when the writing was tied to teaching
and i had been a tutor for seven years..."

this present focus on careers -
as i look at a bird's nest of jobs,
mostly entry-level clerical and retail...
because they're familiar

No baring of my breast
in forays of romance -
why rish the rejection, the possible unease?
the fear of my mind obsessing?
yet, i grow bitter
as ladies pass me by...

i write, and i write,
and some times face ridicule
because i'm being too vulnerable, too open
"yes, that could chase folks away,
thinking no secret is safe with me.."

i near the end
of this self-imposed challenge
to write every day...
A January more,
And then to sift the wheat from the chaffe,
to edit ruthlessly,
to assemble what I can

i'm tired,
yet, try as I may,
i can't sleep,
and my sane bits
scream in terror,
""No! Not that rabbit hole of chaos!"

I'm still wondering
how firm the job offer is,
that i received today...
moreover...
will i have to get a car, too?
do i want to make those changes?





what does "change" evoke in my mind, good and bad?
- three weeks gone by, unattended