I was at the bus stop this morning, when the thought came back to me:
"If I lie down, under a stopped car, in front of their back tire..."
I noticed a particularly large tire on the school bus, and wondered if his rear view mirror would catch the action, before the light turned green.
I did not do it, as I am typing this, now; yet the thought was pretty powerful, and it's not the first time that it has occurred to me.
Yes, my finances are still in the toilet. No, I do not appear to be making good progress towards getting a second job. Moreover, I am sick and tired... I am wore out... I am self-deprecating... because I feel such shame at not being able to get my income in order. Most of the time, I go to church or government services, to try to straighten this out, because I am absolutely terrified of asking friends for money.
I noticed a lot of "all or nothing thinking" or just plain distorted thinking, creeping into my mind, this morning (and above: "absolutely terrified")... Such greatest hits of thoughts like:
- I have nothing to live for
- Nobody cares about me
and - Nothing seems to be working...
If I can return to rational thinking, I can see the flaws in these thoughts. I can note the exceptions, where someone did reach out by text, or invite me to breakfast, or offer aid. Hell, there's been tons of aid offered by many of my friends, over the years. Part of me's afraid that, with some, I've reached this point of:
- "Haven't I helped you enough, Mr. Bean?" or
- "You're becoming too dependent on my help, and not on your own resources" or
- "I'm not a limitless supply of aid, and I have my own difficulties"
...which are all valid boundaries that I would like to respect (One of the reasons I'm terrified of asking for help - "my problems should not have to be your problems")
So, there's this level of defeat that's been sinking in, over the last year or two - the touch of Eeyore, too - which just thinks I should check myself in to a mental hospital; because my past 4 stays in those have been fairly pleasant. Or, perhaps run away to a monastery (Buddhist? Catholic? Either would work...) ...and the all or nothing quips in, "I doubt that anyone would miss me. I doubt my meager skills would be wanted. It would all be better, for all, to just disappear, because I already feel so terribly invisible..."
I do not know if there are easy solutions. I have lost much hope of being able to recover from my short-term setbacks, especially since they are stretched out over all my adult life.
So, I fight back the suicidal thoughts, and I recognize a Gordian Knot before me; and I wish that Occum's Razor would slice it neatly into Arianna's Thread...