i'm afraid of my lack of income, this month - not sure if it will cover my rent alone (let alone all the other bills). part of it is because ACC had it's winter break, and I did not get to work for those 2 weeks. part of it is because i am not good at budgeting my money when it gets this tight.
i tried to get started on a couple of jobs in grocery stores, to go hand-in-hand with my tutoring job. i'm relying on my experience with randall's to help me secure those. i'm also trying to get some job with AISD, but I'm very confused by what documents they want...
However, I get pulled this way and that, by non-work commitments; and I do not know what support i can get from government agencies, and....
it all feels like a clusterfuck of epic proportions
Normal people can weather the storm, and focus on their task, and land a good job after getting a degree. Or, at least, that's what I've been led to believe.
Me? I take 14 years to complete a bachelor's degree. I consistently lose jobs because me anxiety tricks me into taking too much time off, because I do not believe that I can do some part of the job (with the biggest one being showing up on time). I have a hair trigger type of reaction, where a mania or depression can knock me down with very little warning signs that they are coming.
Yeah. whining. self-pity. negative thoughts. wall-building. excuses. "Yes, I can see that there are elements of all of these, here."
Yes, I can see that by writing long meandering notes is pretty fucking passive-aggressive and non-committal.
We do not have the luxury of a face-to-face interaction, right now. You have your own inflections, and your own ways of reading all of this, which (perhaps..?) projects some of your past experiences into it. That might make you eager to chime in your ways that you solved (problem x)... "Just keep in mind, that I will skeptically take it with a grain of salt, and I might dissect/attack your proposed solutions - mostly because I distrust that they are 100% applicable.
"That felt like a soapbox"
I want an influx of money. I would prefer if it was earned quickly and respectfully.
I only half-want a second job, because I fear the time management impacts that come with it.
(In an ideal world, I wish employers did not feel like they could only employ most of their people less than half-time, in order to save the employers money on benefits. No... Actually, I wish more employers valued their employees enough that the employers would feel honored to provide benefits beyond base wages.) (a whole other soap box, though)
I wish that I could see the value that I bring to others much better, even if they do not talk about it, much. I also wish I could better see the defects that others perceive in me, especially those defects that keep them away.
The difference between rehearsal and improvisation? With rehearsal (or journaling or inventory) - we find efficient ways to express ourselves (we have our conversation planned out)... With improvisation, we might uncover (a la DMDR) thoughts and feelings that we are not aware of. (a theory, mind you)
Some people love to tell the same stories, over and over again. They love to hammer their resentments into deadly weapons. While others would constantly act on the fly, thinking they save time, by improv, instead of making plans that never come to fruition. It could be a binary scale, or it could be more of a spectrum... (a diffierent soap box.. just wondering if people want the familiar or the suprising.)